What fuels your addiction?
November 12, 2008 by angelique
Filed under Women's Health
As I’ve discussed here before, I enjoy occasionally watching shows on addiction and intervention. And I always think to myself, “Am I an addict, too?” (The answer, by the way, is “yes”.)
I think all of us who have difficulties with eating disorders are addicted in some way to some thing(s). But is there a way to turn an addictive personality into a good rather than negative aspect of one’s life? I’m hoping so.
For instance, I truly believe that the “fuel” for my ED addiction was the need for control in my life. Like many teens, I felt alone and abandoned; consequently, I used those depressing feelings to help create an identity for myself: The Anorexic One. Though this identity was actually out-of-control, it gave me a sense of stability and comfort. Thus, I had a perception of control and my addiction was satisfied.
At this point, I’ve fought my addiction to ana for almost two decades; however, my intense need for control (that nasty little troll that started the whole mess!) has not subsided. Rather than evict control, though, I’m attempting to turn my controlling bent into something positive: control over my career, control over my personal life, control over how I treat my family.
Does this method of only slightly feeding my control issues work? Not entirely. I still want more control and I suppose I always will. I balk at being told what to do (it’s a good thing I was never treated in-patient… can you imagine?) I am a bit defiant at times, too.
Yes, I’m an addict. I just get my “high” from being in control rather than from drugs, sex or alcohol. But I hope I’ve found lifelong ways to a) be in control in a healthy manner; and b) be less in control of circumstances that need little to no control in the first place.
I don’t know about the whole eating disorder = addiction thing. My therapist believes it’s more complicated than that. I have a friend in my ED group who is bulimic. Once she said something to me about the “euphoria” I must get from purging, thinking I would agree with her. I don’t think I really get a high from purging, or restricting for that matter. In fact I hate how anorexics are compared to drug addicts or alcoholics. There is a guy in my group who’s a drug addict (as well as COE), and he drives me crazy talking about “getting his fix” and his “disease of addiction.”
I guess having an eating disorder is a different experience for everyone. My bulimic friend says that she could binge and purge all day, that she actually enjoys it. I hate purging, everything about it. And I hate starving myself. I guess it’s just means to an end for me. I want to lose weight so I can be thinner than everyone and be “special.” Part of my fear of recovering is losing that cache. My greatest worry is being normal or average, and I can’t explain why, but it terrifies me. I just don’t think I am simply “addicted.”