What Men Want Most

The following are generalizations that Dr. Klayne Rasmussen of www.yourrelationshipsuccess.com believes apply to most men in most marriages.  After reading the article, I have to admit I have always been one that believed that men were all about sex and little else. 

Though Dr. Rasmussen is a family and marriage therapist, I have to wonder how many men would agree with these ‘generalizations’ and would like to see more consideration given to their significant relationship (marriage or not) where these key elements are concerned?

The following generalizations note the word ‘wife’ throughout, however, for the sake of conversation and the theme of Dating Dames, I’d like to ask that you supplement the word ‘wife’ with partner, girlfriend, significant other or whatever may apply.

Number 1: A man wants to know that he is still attractive to his wife. He wants to know that he still “has it,” that he can still run his wife’s motor. This may sound like it’s only about sex and if you’re thinking, “see, men just want sex,” then you’re not understanding the point. To most men, being sexually attractive is more than just being sexual. It means that they are still the alpha male. It means they are top dog on the totem pole. It means that they are number 1. It is a way that men get a sense of that the relationship is still OK. In essence it means they are a real man.

Number 2: A man wants to know he is an adequate provider. Providing for the family is an expectation that he is raised to meet. It is an expectation that most women enter a relationship with: that their man is going to provide for her and her kids. But being a provider is not just about making money. Again, it has more to do with what it means about him. If he is an adequate provider then he is successful at his duty. He is the provider. It gives him a sense of value. The better he provides the more valuable he is. He can take care of his own. Real men take care of their own. He is most certainly a real man.

Number 3: A man wants to feel like he is the king in his castle. He wants to feel important in the relationship. He wants to know that he matters. When he feels like a king he feels important because kings are the most important person in the kingdom. Once again, when he feels royal it means he is a man.

You may have picked up on the general theme of what men want from a relationship: they want to feel like a man. You can call it ego if you want, but it is the way most men feel and it is a fragile position. That makes them very vulnerable to their wife and how she treats him or recognizes his efforts and wants.

Very few women have any idea about what men really want. And they do many things that directly attack the sense of manhood that men are striving to maintain. Women often have less of a sex drive than men. This can be especially true after children start coming into the marriage. She focuses her attention on raising and nurturing the children. She is worn out from it all and has less energy to devote to her husband. The result is she is less responsive sexually to her husband. He feels rejected and he feels he is no longer able to turn her on like he used to. Neither does she initiate sexual contact very often, which leaves him wondering if he has lost it. He feels less of a man. Attack on #1 above!.

A man wants to be a good provider. One of the major complaints in marriage is that there is never enough money, or one of the partners tends to spend too much. Either way, the unspoken and even erroneous, message he hears is, “You’re not a good enough provider for me.” That tears at a man’s sense of manhood and causes irritability, insecurity, and feelings of inadequacy. Attack on #2 above!

A man wants to feel like a king in his castle. The challenge is that in traditional and many non-traditional households, the wife rules the home front. It is her realm (his is usually the work world). She wants things done. (Ever “heard of a “honey-do” list? It’s interesting to note that it’s almost always her list for him and not the reverse.) She expects certain things.

Wives don’t always recognize his contribution when he gets home from work where he actually gets positive feedback and recognition for his competence. He feels he has little influence in the domestic realm so he feels less inclined to do what she wants. When he doesn’t respond how and when she wants him to she asks again. He feels she is nagging him. This is not how a king feels and this is not how he wants to feel. He isn’t feeling very important nor like much of a man. A typical response is to withdraw or get angry and do whatever he darn well pleases just to spite her. Attack on #3 above!

Wives would do well to keep these three things in mind. Next time you go to say or do something that might attack one of the 3 things above, reevaluate and change your approach. If you make a conscious effort to buildup or enhance the 3 Things Men Want, you will likely see your relationship improve. Try it out this week.