What Would Buddha Do? Loving Mindfully

Do you feel like you and your guy have the same argument over and over?  Constantly rehashing something that happened months ago – somthing that somehow still finds it’s way into today’s discussion? There’s really no “winning” an argument like that, is there?  Unfortunately, it’s easy to fall into unhealthy patterns when dating.

Next time, why don’t you try a little mindfulness?  Mindfulness is a Buddhist technique that requires you to be fully present and aware in a given moment. For example, if you are mindfully preparing a meal, you take care with picking out the vegetables for a salad, washing each thoroughly, drying it completely, using a knife to chop each carrot into uniform pieces. Working in this way, a person slows down and thinks about the task in front of them, they don’t react rashly, there’s no lashing out. 

Christine B. Whelan, Ph.D. explains it this way………

In mental health terms, mindfulness is the awareness that emerges from focusing on the present and the ability to perceive — but not judge — your own emotions with detachment; it enables you to choose helpful responses to difficult situations rather than reacting out of habit. While Western thought separates religion and science, Buddhists see mindfulness as both a spiritual and psychological force.

Mindfulness therapies for depression have had well-documented success: Depressed people focus on the negatives, locking themselves into a destructive thought cycle that makes the depression worse. Mindfulness training helps them become aware of this cycle and snap out of it.

The same thing is true for couples gearing up for a rehash of an old argument, says Robyn Walser, a psychologist and co-author of “The Mindful Couple” (to be published in February by New Harbinger). “If you are aware of life as a process, not as an outcome, you step back from the argument. “

I think that this behavioral technique would be equally helpful in dealing with Steve or in dealing with my teenage daughter, Bailey.  Steve and I don’t fight, but we also aren’t great at getting to the important discussions. Avoiding trouble might be an easy fix now, but it’s not going to help any relationship in the long run.  Slow, steady, and mindful works best whether it be dating or cooking or …… well pretty much anything …….. anything that does not involve sports. (Especially NASCAR).

In Bay’s case, I know she would benefit from some mindfulness training. She tends to react to everything with anger and finds anyone and everyone to be a constant source of extreme frustration. (I am so thankful that I am not 16).

Christine B. Whelan, Ph.D.  has a new book coming out in January, entitled Marry Smart: The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to True Love. Watch for my review of her book soon.