What Would You Do?
I don’t want to go in to a lot of detail in such a public forum, but earlier this week my stepson’s aunt was arrested. Thankfully nobody was physically hurt, but since we live in a fairly small community her arrest did make the front page of the local paper and was on the local news. So it’s not something we can easily ignore.
My first thought was to keep it to ourselves. We don’t subscribe to the paper (we just read it online) and, like many 16-year-old boys, my stepson rarely watches the news (unless it’s a required assignment for school). Plus his aunt has a different last name then we do so most people won’t make the connection. And I also kind of hoped his mom would talk to him about it since it’s her sister.
But the more I thought about it the more I wondered if we shouldn’t discuss it with him. We are the custodial household. And there are people who know their relationship and may ask him about it. Wouldn’t it be best if he hears about it from us? Wouldn’t it be best that we open up and answer any and all questions he may have (although we know very little about it)?
I think part of my apprehension comes from her being part of his mom’s family. On one hand I don’t want to bad mouth that side of his family. On the other hand I want to protect him. So then I have to stop and think, if it was my sister would I tell my kids about it? And I honestly don’t know what the answer to that would be. I’ve never been in this situation before.
What would you do?
I think that someone should discuss it with him – he shouldn’t find out about by accident or from someone at school teasing him about it. And, I think he is old enough to deal with the facts.
I think that you should first have your husband talk to the boy’s Mom. That way they can discuss who should tell him – give her the option if she wants to. If she doesn’t then, have your husband discuss it with him (or the two of you together).
Stick to the basic facts and just “inform” him of the incident, without making any judgement statements. Then ask him if he has any questions and how he feels about the incident.
Just my 2 cents
I agree with Christine’s mom that your husband should approach it.
However, I think it’s ok to make judgment statements, but not “put-downs”. You can teach him to have compassion for his aunt, and to learn from her mistakes, such as “She made some bad choices, and we need to pray for her and hope she’ll turn her life around.”
I have to agree with the others. He needs to be told. You live in a small town and chances are, he’ll find out. Better to find out from his mom or dad than from others. Be truthful about what happened and explain that sometimes people make bad choices and that in life there are consequences for our decisions and mistakes.
Informing him of what happened does not have to mean bad mouthing his aunt and I know you well enough to know you would not do that. She obviously did something that was against the law and that’s all you need to explain to him. I went through this with my boys when their dad was going to spending 30 days in jail for 3rd offense DUI. I just explained to them that he what he did was against the law and there are consequences for those actions and their dad was having to pay those consequences. I agree to first give his mother the option but even if she does offer to speak to him, you know there will be “clean up” to do afterward as her methods are always the most appropriate. No matter how much she tells him or how well she handles it, there are going to be questions and feelings left to deal with that will be up to you & your husband since you are the custodial household. You have long provided him a safe environment for him to feel valued and protected in that I have no doubt you will be able to help him see that this is in no way a reflection on him and it doesn’t have to change the way he feels about his aunt. I know you guys will handle it with aces.
We are pretty open with our kids, my husband more open then I actually like. However with this, I’d talk to him about it. Even if you leave out details, he needs to know.
You just never know when someone from school will know what is going on & it may lead to a worse situation.
First and foremost, shame on you for not subscribing to your local newspaper. An informed citizenry is necessary for our continued freedom. Sure, you can read the paper online (for now) but that is what is killing newspapers. Buy a subscription to your local paper and make the world a better place.
For $57 a year in my town, I get 365 days of information delivered to my door before 6:00am every day. That is less than you pay for cable TV each month.
Off topic rant aside, a newspaper is exactly what you need. Get a copy of the front page and present it to him or, God help me, email him a link to the online story.
This way, he isn’t blindsided when he hears the news from someone else but you are more or less out of the loop. No one can accuse you of being biased if he read the news for himself in the newspaper.
He may have questions. Unless you have factual knowledge about the situation and the ability to transmit that information in a fashion that won’t stir up animosity, refer him back to the newspaper for updates and more details. If it made front page news when it happened, there will probably be follow up articles.
Heck, even if you could be unbiased and tone-neutral, this might be a good way to turn him into a regular newspaper reader thus protecting our republic as a whole.
Cheers,
Matt
I would talk to your husband and tell him. I would also let his mother know that you have told him so she can talk to him and explain in more detail if she wants. He is old enough to understand. I believe honesty is the best policy with kids. He’s very likely to find out anyway. Honesty builds trust with teens. Keeping secrets builds shame and distrust. He does not need to feel shame for this. He did not do anything wrong. He just needs to be informed. Besides, it’s not a secret, it’s on the front page of the newspaper. He may already know…
He may feel betrayed and lied to if you don’t address it with him. Of course, don’t speak of her in a super negative way. Just present the facts and leave it at that. Or you could always ask his mom what she would prefer you to do…