Whatever Is Done Is Over
May 12, 2008 by Mark
Filed under Diseases & Conditions
I’ll try to make use of my imagination because this feels like one of “those” statements that I probably heard many dozens of times when I was drinking and either blew it off out of hand or denied the daylights out of it. I had to have my way of perceiving it for some dark, hidden motive which no doubt rested in some form of self-pity or self-seeking.
From today’s Daily Reflection;
“Whatever is done is over.” Simple, easy statement that irked me. Oh heck no, its not over! One unreimbursed rental coming up! For days on end… weeks, perhaps even months or years. It would bounce around in the gray matter and never get resolved. Kept me awake at night and determined my attitude towards me, you and my loved ones. Fueled my unending excuses to drink.
“It cannot be changed. But my attitude about it can be changed through talking with those who have gone before and with sponsors.”
Didn’t have motivation to speak with anyone for a very long time. Didn’t want to hear any nature of solution. I was happy with the anger. It identified me.
“I can wish the past never was, but if I change my actions in regard to what I have done, my attitude will change. I won’t have to wish the past away. I can change my feelings and attitudes, but only through my actions and the help of my fellow alcoholics.”
The irony? I have changed my actions and my attitude. I became motivated to alter my actions and my thinking because I eventually wind up in enough pain over what I had done to those I loved. The self-hatred overflowed and the only way to stem it was alcohol – until that stopped working. And I still hated myself for the harm I perpetrated, especially on “her.” I find sobriety, I change, develop hope and they change also – except the way they change is: their anger gets worse, their hatred of me gets worse, their negative judgment of me gets worse. I drank, they lived with me. I don’t drink anymore, they can’t live with me.
God and I have a straaaaaange relationship. And – there’s no booze on my breath. Go figure…
