What’s Wrong with Strict Parenting?
In my previous post, I’ve obviously hit a nerve with some with my belief that pregnant teens don’t deserve any concessions or special privileges because they became pregnant.
Ok, I take that back, if the girl needs to go to the restroom and puke, let her. But that’s about as far as I would take it!
When I was growing up, I was scared to death of what my dad would do if I disobeyed his rules. Was it because he abused me or beat me? NO, not at all. In fact, I only ever remember getting the belt a few times and to be honest, I deserved every whack I got!
My parents raised me to respect them and their decisions. They raised me that every choice I would make in life came with a consequence - some of those would be good, some would be bad.
My grandparents had a great deal of input in my upbringing too, due to a terminally ill sibling.
I back talked my mom a couple of times and took the angel tread slipper right across the mouth.
Was I abused? Hell No!
My grandmother told me if I EVER came home with a hicky on my neck she’d take a wire brush to my neck and you’d never know a hicky had been there.
Did I test that theory? Nope! Did I believe she’d do it? You betcha’
I’ve plucked a few switches off the tree that I knew were going to be used to give me the whoopin I deserved.
Was I abused? Not a chance!
When I’d get ready to go on a date, my date HAD to come to the door. My dad would check my dates watch. If he didn’t have one, my dad would provide one for him. My curfew was 11:00 and I knew if I got INSIDE the door at 11:02, I’d be grounded for a full month. My father had to hear the car start, check the gas gauge and then, if everything seemed in order, I was allowed to leave on a date for 4 hours TOPS!
I was never allowed to have a boy in my room, they were never even allowed to know what my room looked like. There was no reason to.
If I were to ever get a speeding ticket, my driving privileges would be taken away until I was out of school and moving out. My parents told me speeders are only in a hurry to die! And you know what? I understood what they meant!
Because I had the strict parents I had, I remained a virgin until I was engaged to be married and just prior to my 20th birthday. And I lived to tell about it!
Because I had strict parents, I didn’t become a mother myself until I knew I was ready. I had twin boys just before I turned 26.
I never touched alcohol until I was 23. Never really felt the need to. I was too busy having a good time without it.
I watched both my parents work full time to pay for medical care of a terminally ill son and still have the time and the know-how to raise a responsible child. Go Figure!
Personally, I think parents are just scared or lazy when it comes to parenting. It’s our job as parents to raise the kids, not be their friends. That will come later in life. It takes parents being up their kids rears all the time. Monitoring what they are doing, where they are going and who they are going with.
So why aren’t more doing it?
Tags: pregnant teens, strict parenting, parenting teens, high school
When I got pregnant with my first child, at age 19, I got no special concessions. In fact, I got some pretty harsh responses from my family. I knew that I had disappointed them severely. It was horrible to know that I had lost their trust and respect. My parents were very clear in their response to the situation, “Grow up and take responsibility for your choices.” It was pretty dang harsh to be told to get a job and start paying rent. Do you know what it forced me to do? Grow up and take responsibility for my choices! Had I been molly coddled, I would have taken advantage of it and lived the easy life, knowing that I was allowed to be irresponsible. I thank my parents often for giving me the reality check that I so desperately needed.
I did marry the father of that child, we are still together and have seven beautiful children. I hope that I will do the same for them if the situation ever arises.
Amen! I love this!
Okay, so what do I do about this? I’m at my wits end with him. Remember…he’s a special needs kid.
http://adopttwoboys.blogspot.com/2008/01/naked-on-bus-call-from-principal.html
I agree. I have raised 8. None of them are perfect, none have been abused… but they know how to ay yes ma’am, no sir….the boys know how to hold a door for a lady, and they know to treat others with respect. They also know the house rules and abide by them.
When I was in school the only concession to a pregnant teen was allowing her to continue with her studies AT HOME because you were not allowed in school obviousky pregnant unless you were married.
I was raised in a car across the street from a bar. This was in the early 60’s when no one cared. I was raised to duck when a punch was thrown and hide when my fathers friends were around. Life sucked! I raised my children to be loved and respected in a Christian home with fair discipline. But guess what!!! My daughter made a mistake.
So punish her and hide her in her shame? I really dont get it.
Kathy, It’s a sad situation, the way you were raised. But I really think you’re missing the point that’s trying to be made here.
No one is saying that your daughter should have been punished and hidden in shame, but she certainly shouldn’t have the belief that an entire school system should work around her and make adjustments to accommodate her mistake.
Perhaps if getting knocked up when you were in school wasn’t made to seem so glamorous or easy, more kids would take care not to get in that situation to begin with.
That’s what’s wrong with our society as it is. When the prices to be paid are unappealing, fewer people will want to go there.
This is a nice discussion, please don’t take it so personal. It’s nice to get a view from all sides, even when I don’t agree, I’m open to listening at least.
Excuse me Gayle but this is personal. We make exceptions for others with special needs. If a child is blinded because he was playing with matches do we not make special accommodation’s for him? If a high school student is driving to fast and wrecks his car and is paralyzed don’t we try to make his life easier? So why when a girl (and boy) make a mistake why cant we help them to?
Kathy, Wow! I am sorry that you had it so rough as a child. Do you think that maybe the lack of nurturing and sympathy towards you has made you over compensate towards your own daughter?
Of course, hiding her in shame in never a good idea. My parents did not hide me, and they were only ashamed of my actions, not me as a person. Love the sinner, not the sin (I’m sure you’re aware of that common Christian belief.) But giving her the idea that what she did is nothing to be ashamed of, is not a great way to deal with the situation, either. (If that is how you are indeed dealing with it.)
Love her, help her and guide her…but do not make the mistake of making life easier for her, just because she’s pregnant. That will only stunt her personal growth. Just my two cents…God Bless!
Of course a parent should show some compassion towards children who make mistakes and end up getting hurt. But they should still not be rewarded for their actions. Would you not suspend the teenagers driving privileges? Would you not discipline the boy who was playing with matches (after he was well, of course?) I certainly wouldn’t be rewarding his bad behavior, giving him the message that actions do not come with consequences.
I agree Kadi I was ashamed and there were repercussions for my daughter. I was not very sympathetic at the time. I did make sure that she finished school and raised her son who is my greatest joy. I do feel though that it doesn’t hurt to guide these young women to a better life not stall them in to welfare
Where exactly should all this “accommodating” end?
I agree with Kadi, Love the sinner, not the sin.
One of the biggest factors I ever had that played part in my making the “wisest” decisions was the fear of disappointing my parents or my grandparents.
Making the result of poor decisions “easy” is not a way to teach a kid good value, stability and responsibility. The things we actually EARN are the things we value most.
Let them earn their eduction, but make it tough and sure as heck do NOT let them quit!
Agreed. Forcing them inot welfare would never be a good thing. Especially because it hurts the child. But supporting her and enabling her are divided by a very thin line. I’m sure you were not an enabler.
Kadi, I just have to say I LIKE the way you think!
You know, until you have been there you will never know. I was pretty staunch in my thinking before the news came. Its hard you know, seeing you child make a mistake that you raised her not to make and then be confronted by people who will only judge. To know that the school doesnt want her but not being equipped to home school or rich enough to send her away. To hear others say “it wont happen to me” or “its her problem not ours”. To pay taxes to a school system who wont even give your child the least extra help.
Maybe some day you will understand. But truly I bet you wont.
By the way you guys are great!! I love discussion!
You are certainly right. I will not know unless it happens to me. I had two friends who got pregnant while still in school. Because of their mistakes, they had to put off school and get their GED after their babies were older. I repected them tremendously for their choice to take the hard road in finishing their education. They missed out on all the fun stuff we got to do as seniors. But they accepted their fates because they knew that had to pay the price. That to me, is the responsible, adult thing to do. She should miss out on some of the fun. You do the crime, you do the time.
I agree with that. All I wanted was for my daughter to get an education. Her high school experience ended at conception.
You’re right Kathy, we don’t ever know until we’ve been there and yes, discussion is a good thing — it makes us think!
And Kadi is right too! Kids who make these decisions HAVE to miss out on some of the fun - it’s all a part of the choice they made.
I have watched as a relative become pregnant in school, got married and gave birth before graduation. They both seemed so mature in their decision making, but after the baby came the resentment - the feeling of being tied down.
Today we’re all forced to watch as the little one is torn between two homes and pawned off on whoever will keep her when she’s not out running around with one of the parents until the late hours while they take in some of that “fun” they missed out on.
Now it’s to late to ground the girl or force responsibility. The best we can all do is take in the little one when called upon and give her as much love as we can and hope her mommy and daddy grow up soon.
It is sad when an innocent being is made to reap what his/her parents have sown. My own daughter was made to take on more responsibility than she should as I ended up pregnant year after year. My decisions affected a lot more than just me. I realize that now.
God bless and thanks for the lively chat!
Kathy~ I wish your daughter and the baby (and you too) the best. Hopefully she will use your guidance and love to take on her role with a positive and responsible attitude! After all, babies are a blessing, no matter how they get here
Great conversation ladies! I’ve really enjoyed this.
Kathy, did you know you were chatting with an almost TV star? Kadi and her family are going to be on Supernanny in the near future. I’ll be sure to shout out when it’s going to be on. It’s bound to be exciting since, well, I sort of know the mom
Storms are moving in here… I’m going to have to call it a night. Would love to tackle more problems of the world with you all again sometime.
Yeah, shows you right there that I’m not a perfect parent either. It is so much easier to see solutions from outside of the problem! We all have our weak spots. I respect every parent who puts effort into raising their children. It’s the toughest job in the world!! Not to worry, Kathy. You can pummel me with criticism regarding my lack of parenting skills after you see our episode! good night, ladies
i got pregnant when i was 21, not married, but i’d been dating the father for 4 years. (we are now happily married.) i don’t feel like i made the right choice in having sex before marriage, but you live and learn, right?
Anyway, i feel like pregnant H.S. students should be accommodated in school. i really think no matter what, we should be force-feeding school down everyone’s throats, because maybe if H.S. accommodates those girls, those girls will have a better chance of graduating instead of saying “Tough for you! Good luck trying to finish!” Irresponsible sex is a bad decision, but not bad enough that high school should not accommodate “preggos” as having a physical disability. By all means, do whatever is necessary to try to get those women to finish! What a great gift!
As far as the parents go, i agree that they shouldn’t hand everything over to the expecting sons and daughters. Take away their ability to go out at night, or their car, but by no means make it more difficult for them to finish school! Or you are possibly robbing them of a future. The baby and stresses that come from it are long-term consequence enough.