When Does it Get Better?

There are many, many people out there who will tell you that adoption is easy. I don’t think those people have actually adopted. I don’t think those people have adopted older children or special needs children or twins. Because if they knew what adoption was really like for the majority of people they would never, ever, in their lives tell you that adoption was easy.

Adoption took it’s toll on me. It almost killed my marriage. It wore me down to my very breaking point. And I had absolutely no one who understood what I was going through.

Luckily, Eric and I sought professional help in the form of an attachment therapist. We got AJ all of the medical and emotional help he needed and he has thrived.

Does it get better? Do the children stop fighting you and start to feel safe? Do they relax and start sleeping? Do they attach? Do they start loving and liking, start listening and understanding who is in charge?

Yes, they do. But it takes time.

AJ still has trouble recognizing when he is safe and understanding that he is not the one in charge. And it is a control issue with him. And it is hard on us. One day at a time, still.

Sleep comes, gradually. Patience comes, gradually. Attachment comes, in the strangest of ways. I remember when I knew AJ was finally, finally starting to REALLY attach…we were at an indoor playground in the local mall and he started tracking where I was, wondering where I was wherever he went on the playground. HE wanted to feel safe and know I was there for him. He was not running off on his own, he was thinking, consciously, about me, his mama, for the first time.

Everyone may fail at laundry or at dusting…at making dinners or at picking up the toys the first 6 months or the first year. But that is TOTALLY okay, especially when adopting an older child. What is really important is being a good mom, not having a clean house. There were days that I never even got the dishes done because I spent over half the day calming AJ’s tantrums or changing parasitic diapers. And that, to me, was an accomplishment.

The good thing is that you won’t fail at being a parent as long as your children are fed, bathed, and clothed. Accepting help is not a failure and it took me a LONG, LONG time to admit this (and I still do it). I want to do the mothering things by myself. I want to maintain my household myself because I should be able to do that, right?

But, when I was sleep deprived, not getting enough to eat, and being beat up my a two year old all day… I was emotionally and physically drained. And I needed to ask, and accept, help.

Our lives are going to change again in a few weeks and I’m praying Gus will not be the hitting type like AJ was, as I am not sure my nose can take anymore hits without breaking (yes, seriously). I don’t want to accept help but I know I will have to. I know that AJ will be jealous and frustrated. And I know I will have to have him out of the house at times. I know I will be sleep deprived again.

And this time I will welcome help so long as I get to cuddle with both my boys at the end of the day.