When is it okay to start looking again?
August 25, 2008 by Lara Kulpa
Filed under Relationships
Okay, so my ex and I had a horrible breakup after a horrible 6 month relationship. I loved him and his family and he responded by cheating on me with his ex several times, lying to me, talking trash about my family and friends, and calling me a “fat bitch” 40 times a day. I know… I know. I should’ve never let it get past the 3rd date, to be honest. I don’t know why I did… I guess I fell for his crap and tried to forgive him. I just got tired of it all when he let the ex back in his life for the 4th time and decided I’d had enough.
After it was finally over (I got sucked back in a couple times with those lines like, “You’re perfect, and if I wasn’t so afraid/insecure/big an ass I’d marry you in a heartbeat.” How stupid am I, right?) I held off for a while before going back out there and trying to meet someone new. I wanted to spend time getting “the old me” back. I had given up my friends and a lot of the things I loved before I met him. I had allowed him to lower my self-esteem, despite the fact that while together I’d lost 35 pounds and he’d gained it. *snicker* Despite the fact that I know I’m a kickass chick. Despite the fact that we had really nothing in common… blah blah blah.
So a month and a half after our last conversation, I thought I might be ready, and I joined eHarmony. All’s good, and I thought I wouldn’t have to deal with seeing him there because it’s pretty expensive and he’s a cheap bastard.
He then tried to contact me again (after all the times he tried before in the past six weeks that failed him, and even caused me to set up my phone to treat his calls special by faking that the phone’s been disconnected) and this time, the bastard used his nephew’s birthday to get to me. He knows I loved those kids. But I ripped him a new one, and asked that he not contact me again.
Meanwhile, the eHarmony matches died down, so I decided to go peek around PlentyOfFish last night and lo and behold… there he is. He wasn’t on there before I’d told him off in that email. But that was I guess his ticket to go out there and find someone else to hurt. I’m sitting there reading his stupid profile, thinking to myself, “He’s lying to all these women. He’s NOT this person,” and wanting to create a profile just to warn women of their inevitable demise if they consider speaking to him. (No, I didn’t do that.)
I guess the thing that bothers me is that just the day before, he was making yet another attempt at reeling me back in, and now he’s on there trying to reel in someone else when I made it clear I’m not biting this time, or ever again. No, I don’t want him back. I wouldn’t take him back if he went all Lloyd Dobler on me. But I don’t want him to be happy. I want him to be miserable like he made me. I’m over him, but I’m not over the hurt, you know?
I’m afraid that that’s going to hurt me even more when it comes to meeting my own matches. I’m scared that the next guy is going to be like him. I’m afraid I’ll be cheated on again. I’m afraid that I’m going to push someone away who could be wonderful because I’m going to get suspicious and scared and paranoid. I’m wondering if I should take my profile down from eHarmony, eat the $120 and wait.
Then another part of me wants to meet new people because it’s not in my nature to be so mistrusting. I’m wanting some guy out there to restore my faith in relationships, in love. But I don’t want to be “that girl” who whines about her horrible ex to the next guy either.
Is it okay for me to be looking? I think it’s sick and twisted that he is, but is it okay for me?
Don’t stop looking. Don’t ever stop looking. Mr Perfect does not exist, but that DOES NOT mean you should settle for less than Mr Most-Awesome-Dude-EVAR. Find the one who compliments you and motivates you and embraces the real you.
Thanks, Davi. I know that no one’s perfect. I’m sure as hell not! LOL But I don’t want to take the chance on missing out on Mr. Perfect for Me either… and no guy has ever affected me this badly before, so it makes me nervous sometimes. Thank you for the reassurance.
I’d say don’t stop looking but at the same time it might be good to just take a “pause” from the dating scene to do some healing. As you mentioned, and I’ve totally been there too, you’re over him but not over the hurt. If you’re still carrying around the hurt like a bright beacon, you’re not going to energetically be in the best space to attract someone better for you. And you deserve the love you desire my dear.
What I did for awhile while healing from the hurt part was to make an effort to go out with lots of my guy friends so that I was around male energy that didn’t have romance attached to it. I could totally relax yet still be around men. Then it helped me build the groundedness to start actively dating on the online sites. After the time to heal the ocuhies, I’m a much healthier partner for a new man.
Thanks, Stephanie… I knew you’d be able to offer up some fantastic words o’ wisdom! Ya “big sister” you!
Part of my problem is that because of the relationship, I’d alienated some of my closest guy friends. Aside from the firehouse gang, who all have girlfriends and wives, it’s hard.
I’m by no means looking to jump into serious mode with anyone though, so hopefully even just hanging out will help. Then, who knows from there!?
It’s ok to look, better to touch. If we all stopped dating men because they were creeps, no one would go out.
Haha very very true!
That’s what big sis’ are for
I hear ya on the alienating thing. Long time ago when I was in an unhealthy relationship, I alienated lots of friends men & women because I just didn’t want to hear the usual, “You can do so much better. I don’t understand why you….” You get the pic. In hindsight, much of what they said was true, I just didn’t want to hear it. But, these are life lessons. So we grow and try to do better the next time around!
I’m not on the “when is it…” boat but more of the “how can i…” boat. I’m still too torn up about my last relationship to start looking again
I agree that its hard to get over someone. I actually found some great advice online about how to move on and get over your ex. There’s an article under the forums at vdateonline.com that I found helpful as well. Hang in there!
OMG…I so need to read this. I’ve been through a similar situation…and it does make you lose trust in people and lose faith in love! And that was very hard for me…cause I love the idea of “Love”, but for a moment there I started to fall out of love with the idea, but give it sometime…you’ll be not back to the “old self” but to a “better self”…I hope that made scenes…lol!!!
Yeah heartbreak is painful and takes alot to get used to, but we all fall and we all get back up we just have to have the will power to do so because if we don’t then there’s probably not a day that goes by that we don’t think about what we might have missed trying to get over them. i know i’ve been there and it wasn’t fun, he was my first love i’ve never gotten over him but i’ve moved on, but try to stand up and move on because they’re not worth the tears u’ve already cried and they’re definitely not worth the time to deal with.
You’re so right Jordan! I’m proud of you for getting back up and dusting off, and going for the gold because YOU deserve it!
guess what? do whatever YOU wish to do when you are ready to do it… cos it’s YOU who’s important… remember that! you matter…