Who Is Your Go To?
January 17, 2009 by Marye Audet
Filed under Relationships
Who do you go to to discuss the issues and struggles in your marriage? More importantly, what is your motive? Who is YOUR go to girl/guy?
The reason I am asking is that I have been thinking alot about this very thing. When Marc and I have an issue that I need outside input on, who do I go to and why?
Let’s face it, we all need to confide in someone and get advice once in awhile. I have two kinds of friends. Those that I talk to to just talk it out with, the ones that I use as a sounding board. Actually, the ONE I use as a sounding board because this is only one person. She is a long time friend and a sister in heart, and I feel safe with her. I can say anything that comes to mind and I know she will not judge Marc or I on it. I don’t generally ask her for advice however, because she knows me so well that it is almost like getting advice from myself. I don’t know if that makes sense…but there you have it.
The other friend that I talk to is more for accountability. Generally I don’t say everything that comes to mind. I don’t call her or email her when I am furious, I try to calm down and think things out logically. I want her to look at what I am saying and give me her thoughts and insights. I don’t want to risk saying anything to her that is not true in the heated rage of the moment.
I used to, a long time ago, have someone I went to because they would believe me, sympathize with me, and tell me how I was right. I could get away with twisting things to sound better, downplaying my role in a problem, and I suppose, by my present standards, outright lie about what I had done.
I got lots of emotional strokes but you know what? I didn’t grow. It wasn’t until someone had the guts to tell me that I needed to get real with myself that I began to be honest with God and with me AND with everyone else about who I was. Yep. I took off the fig leaves and stepped in to the light. You can’t hide from God and you can’t hide from yourself for long.
I want people in my life that love me enough to tell me the truth. That look at my sin and mistakes, and just crappy character traits and are willing to risk telling me I need to change. I want people I can trust in my life.
I am lucky enough to have a couple of these people in my life. I am secure in thier friendship and love. I can mess up with them and be forgiven. I don;t have to be right, I don;t have to have them agree with me, I don’t have to impress them with my super-spirituality and maturity.
So I ask you. Who is speaking into you life? Are you going to people that don’t hold the same values and beliefs as you for advice and for accountability? Are you being deceptive with the people you are seeking advice from by down playing what you have done?
Marc came out and took total responsibility for what he had done. He didn’t down play it. He has admitted that it is a long time pattern. I had a few concerns that he was just saying that to smooth things over and that he really felt that I had over reacted. I even asked him point blank this morning. But he says he did not just say it and you know what? I am choosing to trust him. I am choosing to trust that, although my heart is still not wholly convinced, he is not going to go back on what he has said and tell someone that it wasn’t that big of a deal, or that he didn’t do anything wrong.
Men have a tendency to blame their wives for their mistakes. It started with Adam. “She gave me the apple God. Yeah, I took a bite but she gave it to me…and HEY, YOU are the one that put her here with me anyway…”
Be a man if you are a male. Don’t do that. Please?
Marc is seeking accountability from godly people. He isn’t looking for people to tell him he didn’t do anything wrong, or give him strokes emotionally. I admire and love that about him. And his willingness to do that makes me willing to move ahead in a positive way.
So, how do you know if someone is the type of person that should be allowed to speak into your life?
Here are my thoughts.
- They share your spiritual beliefs. This is big. If you are a Christian, honestly nothing a non-Christian advises you is going to be what you need. They have a different perspective. Not wrong necessarily, but different. It’s like asking a man which tampon you should buy.
- They have character qualities that you admire.
- They are honest no matter what.
- Your motive is truth and perspective, not compassion, sympathy, or someone to tell you you are right and your spouse is an idiot.
- They encourage you to be honest, loving, and fair with your spouse.
- They have not only your best interest, but the best interest of your spouse at heart. If they start criticising your spouse then you are talking to the wrong person. Please note, pointing out that your spouse is doing something wrong is not criticizing. Two examples: Positive: Your spouse is wrong for hitting you. Negative: Your spouse is such a freaking idiot and doesn’t deserve you.
- You have a real relationship with them. If you have only emailed with your childhood friend, that you haven’t seen in several years, trust me. They don;t know you well enough to make a call in your situation.
- Relatives are not a good choice. They will almost always “be on your side” and it is almost never helpful in getting past your issues. Besides, when the issue is resolved? The family member generally holds a grudge against your spouse. A LOT of mother in law problems start right here.
- No more than one or two people should be in on the issue. More than that is a pity party.I tend to do this, although not as much as I used to. I am growing.
- If you are a Christian or a Jew your first “go-to” should be God. If you are not, then perhaps meditation, a Spiritual leader,or a long walk would be in order before you begin seeking counsel.
Seriously, take a look at your motives in what you do. The heart is deceptive above all things. It is easy to make ourselves believe that we have good motives when we do not. And most of us know how to lull our conscience to sleep.
Before you seek advice, input, or just a soundingboard make sure that it will be a healthy thing for your relationship to bring this person into it.
Have you ever confided in someone and then figured out it was a really bad idea? How did you handle it? Remember that your comments can help others who are battling to figure out what to do. 
Image: SXC
Point #1 is so true!
>>It’s like asking a man which tampon you should buy.
I love this too!!
thanks Lisa!
I don’t worry so much about finding suitable vessels worthy enough for me to confide in, when need arises, but with making certain that I myself, am not found unworthy of confidences placed in me.
“They share your spiritual beliefs. This is big. If you are a Christian, honestly nothing a non-Christian advises you is going to be what you need.”
I’m learning that the reputation and esteem of body of Christ is best served by me keeping a measurable distance from It in public. I live in fear that my arrogance will contaminate It.
I wouldnt worry about that David..it is already pretty grimy. Luckily we are not called to perfection, just trust
While I agree with the point you’re trying to make, I’m going to have to disagree strongly with your using Adam as an example of dodging blame. But that’s not what this post is about, so I won’t go any further on that topic unless you want me to.
On topic, I agree with everything else. I’m about to get married, and I’ve just moved, too, so I haven’t found any sounding board or confidant just yet. But I’m sure that I’ll be able to find someone else my age in my church when the need arises.
GO for it Joe. What about Adam saying “SHE gave it to me” is not dodging the blame?
Wow. Hostile crowd. Your interpretation is very apparent by the way you choose to emphasize and rephrase his words.
Well, my take on it, which I admit could be wrong, seeing how I wasn’t there, is that he was providing an account of the events that he was a part of or a witness to. He wasn’t around when the serpent tempted Eve, so he couldn’t tell that part. But when the Lord asked him to account for what happened, he told as much of the whole story as he could. (I know the Biblical account phrases it in a yes/no question, but the Lord asked multiple questions. I think it’s pretty clear that he wanted more than a yes/no answer.) What he said was the truth — the whole truth that he could relate, and nothing but.
I think you twisted his words to make them fit your view. (“SHE gave it to me” and “…and HEY, YOU are the one that put her here with me anyway”.) Sure, if he spoke that way, Adam would sound like a first-class jerk. The problem is he didn’t. You portrayed him as condescending or snide towards the Lord, and I feel he wasn’t. I think when Adam said “whom thou gavest to be with me,” he was reasoning that he was supposed to remain with her. I don’t think he overlooked the fact that Eve would be cast out of the garden for her transgression, and he would be left alone. He mentions this to explain his reasoning for choosing to partake of the fruit.
Now, I know Eve gets treated pretty badly by the world. I wish it weren’t so. I revere her for making a wise decision that furthered the purposes of the Earth and all of mankind. But we should extend the same understanding towards Adam. He wasn’t perfect, but he must have been a righteous man to be the first man that God placed on the Earth.
Well, that’s my take on it. But as I said earlier, I do agree that all men should take responsibility for their actions.
Joe, I am not at all hostile..Promise.
What wise decision was it that she made? You lost me on that one.
Adam was responsible for his wife’s behavior. The Bible states that he was there in Gen 3:6 “She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.”
You said”I don’t think he overlooked the fact that Eve would be cast out of the garden for her transgression, and he would be left alone. He mentions this to explain his reasoning for choosing to partake of the fruit.”
Now, if I can’t add my own personal take on it you can’t either. There is no reason to believe that he was thinking of this, or that it was true.
He was not righteous, he was created. He did not deserve to be created.
I was not implying that Adam was snide toward the Lord..only that he was scared and blamed the woman for dragging him into the situation.
Again, no hostility. Trust me. You haven’t seen hostility from me, nor sarcasm. I reserve that for other blogs.
Oh and this is what adam said to the Lord: 12. And the man said , The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat .
Exactly what I said, admittedly without the emphasis. Adam and Eve both did the wrong thing but Adam was in charge. He was the buck stops here person. Afterward they both hid from the Lord, presumably out of shame and guilt. Adam did not step out and trust God. They had been companions in the garden for some time, Adam and God, and Adam knew that although there were rules God was loving and compassionate. They walked together every evening.
Even knowing all of that Adam still tried to hide the situation.
Because of his response I don;t see him as acting responsibly but I read in his words blame shifting.
That is my take.
And that pretty much wraps it up “Kid!”
Joe, Most interpretations as well as studies tend to side with what Marye is saying. The Word of God is inspired by the Holy Spirit, who used holy men to make the written record we call The Holy Bible.
Joe said
“While I agree with the point you’re trying to make, I’m going to have to disagree strongly with your using Adam as an example of dodging blame.”
Sorry Joe, but that is what the Bible says. Adam is where we have gotten the nasty habit of shifting the blame, and it continues to show up all these generations later. We can twist it around but then it is not the perfect Word of God. God’s word is pretty clear in this case.
And we all know where that gets folks like Jim Jones, David Koresh and others. They went of on a tangent and really have made a mess of it. Because they twisted what God’s word really says.
Joe, this is not hostile, nor was Marye. She just wants to make sure you understand the truth. I know my examples are extreme, but it drives home the end result…
Eternal separation from God.
As my much-better-half and I approach our 19th anniversary, I have to say I don’t have anyone to sound-off to regarding marital issues. That’s not to suggest we’ve been in marital bliss for all those years (reminds me of an old joke: my aunt & uncle are married for 25 years, and in that time they’ve had one fight — that’s lasted 25 years…).
She, on the other hand, has her sister and a very close girlfriend.
When things are rough, I work it out myself; I am not perfect, certainly, but at least I have no one to blame, nor share credit, based on my decisions. Prayer plays a role as well, and while you’ve mentioned that I consider it separate, more of a one-way conversation.
Re: Adam & Eve: I can no longer think of them without think of Bill Cosby’s comparing A&E to raising children: GOD: Didn’t I tell you not to eat that apple? ADAM & EVE: Uh-huh. GOD: Then why did you do that? ADAM & EVE: I don’t know!
Charlie-
I spent a lot of hours on the PA turnpike as a kid! I probably knew every Howard Johnson’s there.
Anyway-
I never considered prayer to be a one way conversation..
I do think men have a more difficult time being accountable/having a person to bounce thoughts off of…but I still think it is important. A pastor, a close friend…
I love that sketch by Cosby.
PA Tpk: the moniker came from my commuting 2 hrs each way to work, much of which along the turnpike heading towards Philadelphia. Now I drive I-78 to the Garden State Pky for 110 miles each way, but the old name stuck.
With such a long commute, over such a length of time (now 16 years), I haven’t developed the kind of relationships that would lend themselves to such discussions. And with long stretched of highway, I’ve developed a rapport with myself. Not always perfect, but it so far works.
I know the Garden State Pkwy well too!
Hey if it works..it works.
I haven’t chimed in until now. Over the past maybe 15 years I have had a couple of men to whom I was accountable. I have had four of them.
First about 1991 or so I met with two other men from our church every week. We prayed for as well as sounded off of each other and it was good until one moved to another state and it fell apart as far as the discipline of getting together. The remaining guy and I were still accountable and praying for one another and our families. We have gone separate ways over the years but still try to talk periodically. It has been about six months since we visited and he wasn’t in great shape when I saw him as he had a stroke.
I had another man and friend who was an accountability partner and sounding board after that and we met every Saturday night for prayer and to let off whatever was weighing us down. That went on for a number of years until it suddenly stopped being convenient for him and he was meeting with another man, who was our pastor. (Another story there)
Over the past five or so years I haven’t had that until a six months ago when I asked to get with my friend Ray. We didn’t get together and he said give him a call. It didn’t work and quite honestly it kinda ticked me off a bit. But that lasted maybe a few days after the call suggestion. In November i think it was Ray called me and said he had remembered my request and had forgotten to follow up til then. He said pick a place for lunch and I’ll pickyou up on Friday. Cool!
We got together and made my request that he would consider being my Go-To- Guy. Not the exact words but that I needed someone in my life to talk to and keep me on the right & narrow path in Christ. i was having trouble with dealing with lost ability to do things myself. That included driving. I was also dealing with the loss of being able to be the provider for my family, though God has miraculously been supplying what I lost in income through Marye. Being a guy, you grow up with one of your main priorities is providing for your family and if you can’t do that well….
How Marye’s income growing and mine shrinking also dealt a security blow to my fragile male psyche. She doesn’t need me to provide. Great, so now I’m worthless. Yes, That is a lie from the pit of Hell and Satan.
If it had not been for Ray, his bride Shanta, & my beautiful bride Marye, I wouldn’t have made it through these last few months.
But Ray has been a friend. A true friend and keeps me honest. He will call me on something if he feels I need it. He asks me if I have done “this and that”, that he asked me to do.
No, Ray, I am still looking for the quiet place to go to for me and God.
But, if i need to talk to someone other than Marye, about God stuff or Marc’s junk in the way of his life, I have Ray.
And that can be a scary thought of itself. If you knew Ray.
I’m sorry that I have been long winde and this could have been made into a post of it’s own.
Get over it!
>>Get over it!
LOL!
Marye, Wise words! Over the years I have encouraged people seeking personal growth to have Another, Others and The Other!
Another = a confidante like you describe
Others = a group of like minded folks
The Other = your higher power, which I call God