Why Aren’t You Having Sex?
September 19, 2008 by Marye Audet
Filed under Relationships
There is an article on WebMD about sexuality in married couples. They pose the question, Will every night sex make a difference in your marriage?
Citing two books, Annie and Doug Brown’s Just Do It and a book called 365 Nights of Sex by Charla Muller WebMD explores whether or not frequent sex is the answer to most marital problems. They write:
According to the National Opinion Research Center, the average American couple reports having sex 66 times a year. Newsweek has noted that 15% to 20% of couples have sex less than 10 times a year, which is defined as a “sexless” marriage.
Familiarity, advancing age, work pressures, the challenges of raising a family, and household responsibilities all conspire against regular sex among many otherwise loving couples who feel too harried to get physical.
I know that there are various circumstances that make it difficult. For example, in our marriage sex is not always possible due to medications and intense pain…other people are in abusive situations. But for most of you, in “normal” marriages, if you are not having frequent sex, why aren’t you?
So… are you happy with the frequency of sex in your marriage? If you aren’t having sex as much as you would like, why not? Do you think increasing the frequency would make a difference? And, finally, would you ever commit to sex every night for a period of time?
I am general very pleased with our frequency (usually ever other day, or ever two days). In the past couple months, though, we have made some changes in our lives and have been extremely busy, leaving us exhausted at the end of the day. We also have had a house guest, so the only time it’s ever appropriate is right before bed, which can also be an intimacy killer.
Earlier this year a church somewhere tried the “30 Day Sex Challenge” and it was all over the news, so my wife and I gave it a try. We stopped after nine days because I began to not be so excited about it, and on the nights we were both exhausted and it became a chore, it felt awkward.
I’d say if you’re happy with your sex life, doing something like that isn’t so necessary. If you are looking for something to really kick start the intimacy again, though, maybe it’s worth pursuing.
I’m really interested in reading that book, “Just Do It” but haven’t gotten to it yet.
Yep. I think it was a Florida pastor that issued the challenge to the marrieds in his congregation.
I understand about the house guest…with a large family, and then having various people live in our (yes we actually have one) spare room for the last two years it is pretty difficult to be adventurous…
To “a husband”
I think you can go to The bookshelf link in the sidebar “PAGES” I think you can have “Just Do It” delivered to your door, then you just need to sit down and make a little time to read. Just a suggestion. I’m not a big recreational reader but
I really enjoyed the book. Thanks for stopping by.
Marye,
The spirit is willing….
Woohoo!!!
I haven’t put the book ont he bookshelf but it there is a link for it in the review.
I am not happy with our sex life. Ours is a sexless marriage because of undealt-with issues from my past (that my husband knew about before we got married. But we both thought it was a phase I went through and wouldn’t be an issue). We are starting a marriage workshop this week that I hope will help.
God IS working in our marriage and family. My husband is coming to church more often now and our family is growing closer together again.
I am not sure if a marriage workshop will help our sex life or if it needs to be individual counseling for me. We shall see.
Thanks Marc and Marye for your down to earth, real blog.
Lisa- my prayers are with you. It takes alot of courage to work through sexual issues! You are awesome for being willing to do that. Many people, both men and women aren’t.
I don;t get there are much as I used to but they have a real ministry.
On the sidebar there is a link to a site called the Marriage Bed that is very..uh..earthy and supportive.
Hugs to you…thanks for reading the blog..as I told Eileen..I think maybe sometimes it is a little TOO real.
Thanks Marye. I will check out that site. I don’t think your blog gets TOO real.
Realness is sorely lacking i or world most of the time.
Thank you Lisa..that means alot to me.. {{{Lisa}}
This is such a powerful topic, and we hardly ever discuss it. It’s SO easy to get comfortable in the “companionship” part of marriage, and just let the “juice” fade out.
And “scheduled” sex feels like such a chore…we’re all overworked and tired, and it’s so easy to put sex way behind other things – eating dinner, a favorite TV show…we want to “settle in” – and as we get older and our hormones shift, the sexual “charge” isn’t enough to carry us into the bedroom, and we’re too physically tired to go with “on top of the kitchen table.”
What I see is that we are actually, each of us “turned on” at different moments during the day – but we let them pass, and put our sexual feelings off until “later” – to a more “appropriate” time. And then that time never comes.
If we could just allow those small moments to carry us into a general appreciation of our sexual feelings – whenever they show up, and almost always ACT on those feelings – even if we’re all by ourselves in the bathroom at work or at home in the shower…things will shift.
Look forward to more provocative posts, thank you.
Thanks Rory…I agree with what you said…it is the small moments that count in everything.