Why isn’t this holiday making me ana-crazed?
December 9, 2008 by angelique
Filed under Women's Health
It’s funny. I have no desire to withhold nourishment from my body even though:
a) In the past year, I’ve put on a few pounds. (Only 5-7, but it seems like a zillion.)
b) I’m unhappy about the “Santa’s-bowl-full-of-jelly-belly” nature of my thighs and derriere.
c) I feel unsexy and downright blechy.
Yet I honestly don’t want to starve myself.
It’s weird.
Usually, my first thoughts in this situation are, “Dear god! How can I make all this GO AWAY?!? Stop eating!”
Could I have overcome a hurdle, slight though it may be? The self-loathing is holding strong (unfortunately), but the desire to deny myself food isn’t occurring (woo hoo).
Of course, this is all subject to how I feel tomorrow. *wryly grins* As we all know, recovery is a process, not a destination!
Honestly, as a 44 year ols married woman, I have batteled this since high school and college. I thouht I had conquered this when I found myself in the military, thriving and despite lingering self doubt, I conquered and excelled beyond my wildest dreams and wishes.
But now,after leaving this wonderful “family” existence and rejoining the civilian world,everything changed.Stress caused occassional relapses. After being layed off and watchin the news every night where all I see is despair and hopelesness, I feel the the “pull” again” to the one bit of control I had in my life. But looking around and not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel,I am so depressed and upon waking feel so paralyzed with doom and without the means to offer my family a holiday similar to past ones, I cant even care about being ‘ana-crazed”. I dont have the energy to drag myself out of bed, after going to bed and hoping I wont be wakin up in the morning. I am beyond ana.