Why Men Cheat, What He Meant to Say
September 18, 2008 by Tracee Sioux
Filed under Parenting
According to the teasers for today’s Oprah the first Why Do Men Cheat? show didn’t go over that great because it let men off.
Gist of the show – “Men are lonely because they are basically emotionally retarded and the only communication they understand is sex, so wives should do it more. Oh, and men always need to win.”
Duh.
Uh, here’s something to study: why women are sick to death of being married to it or dating it.
Trying to communicate with a husband is, at times for some women (not myself, of course), like beating your head against a brick wall and then realizing that 1/3 of the time it’s a futile effort and he’ll cheat anyway. Oh, and he’s sure to lie about it too.
However, I think Gary Neuman is a very insightful guy and I think it was a matter of translation. I thought his shows on divorce last year were the best shows ever and I doubt he meant for the cheating issue to come off as simplistically as it did.
I doubt he meant to make men look quite as emotionally retarded as we sometimes think they are. Please God, tell me they aren’t that emotionally retarded and we’ve been letting THEM rule the world. Please.
I can’t wait to watch this afternoon so I can find out what he really meant to say.
He’s going to give us 3 ways to Affair Proof Your Marriage:
My guesses?
1. Do IT more.
2. Never complain, require nothing emotionally.
3. Stroke his Ego.
Anyone else have guesses?
I heard a theory once about men and women (not sure where) but it basically said something like: Women NEED love and Men NEED respect.. Now if you take away the negative connotations from the word respect and think about it’s pure meaning – when you truly respect someone, as opposed to when you’re ’supposed’ to that’s a really insightful bit of knowledge.
They said the worst thing you could ever say to a woman is “I don’t love you anymore” either by saying the words or through actions…and the worst thing you could ever do to a man is tell him “I don’t respect you anymore” or show it with actions. It took a good look at exactly how we’re wired and it made a lot of sense to me. I think this concept might be a piece of this cheating puzzle. We tend to give what WE need instead of trying to accept what the other person NEEDS..and vice versa – men do the same thing. Sometimes they show their love through acts of respect, when we need acts of love and it’s useless..and sometimes we try to give them love, love, love when they really NEED respect.
Does that sound crazy?
Also, I don’t think it’s simplifying the issue to say men need sex to feel loved – that’s the truth…it’snot the only thing they need, but they DO see sex as love where-as we see it as a symptom, or product of love.
If a man cheats on his wife, the first thing I want to do is take a close look at the wife. Honestly, I am often embarassed by other members of my sex. How in the world can women justify being so vicious!? I, for one, have a wonderful marriage, and I am confident that my man won’t cheat on me. I have to think that some women treat their men very badly, and it drives them away.
My own husband was raised by a father who was one of the “Men don’t cry” generation. It took quite a lot of work to get him out of that, but my hubby saw the way I treated his son, and how his son responded. That little boy came right out of his bristly shell once he was allowed to express emotions other than anger! He is so delightful! My husband responded in very much the same way.
Men are pretty simple in their wants and needs most of the time, but I would not say that they are emotionally retarded! LOL! That’s kind of funny tho.
I think the major problem with many marriages today, and a big part of the reason that men cheat, is because husbands and wifes don’t actually TALK to one another. People need to remember that it’s okay to say, “I’m mad at you and this is why … ” and then sit down and talk about it.
I wouldn’t say the first thing I do is look at the wife – that’s sort of what people perceived as offensive in the first show.
It is wrong to cheat – no matter the reason, no matter the circumstances..and there are SOME men who will cheat on every person they’re ever with – those men chase the thrill, the powerful feeling and the ego boost..BUT I thinkthere’s another category of cheater..and he evolves sometimes out of an unhappy marriage – he also has a growing number of female counterparts.
I think this guy on Oprah was just trying to shed some light on having happier, safer marriages. I dont’ think he meant to say “Women, it’s up to you to make sure he doesn’t” but I think that’s how he was taken. He was brought there to give women insight on reasons men cheat and tips to prevent it and then we got all up in arms because of it. I dont think he was condoning cheating – just being honest about the reasons. Men AREN’T as complicated as us – I can see the reason for cheating being pretty simple. I think they are emotionally retarded compared to US.
Hey that girl!
I agree that it’s not a simplification. Men DO need sex to feel loved! But then, I would also think that most women would also need the physical closeness to also feel loved. I do. We can say “I love you.” a million times a day, but unless there is action to SHOW the love as well, it can be hard to feel it.
Little things mean a lot too. A kiss on the forehead as my husband walks by me will make me smile all night long!
I don’t know what I think about any of what either of you said. I have a little of different opinions based on which emotional trigger or sore spot you touched on.
I want respect too. I think most people’s – women’s especially – definition of Love has been distorted. Women are obsessed with it and men aren’t allowed to feel it or express it. I don’t even think it’s a feeling as much as it is respectful behavior.
If men do not respect their wives they will cheat. Cheating is the ultimate lack of respect. Love and respect are intertwined.
And Tigger – I would say that if you think you’ve found the magic potion to make your husband not cheat or leave then you have 2/3 of a chance of being right and 1/3 chance of being painfully, agonizingly wrong.
But, I would say it’s go more to do with whether your husband is making the emotional effort to take care of his inner emotional life and asking for what he needs and allowing you to give it to him, than anything you are doing to him.
Looking to the wife for fault is what we’ve always done and I doubt it has very much to do with male behavior at all. Certainly, looking at it the way you do, will place the blame entirely on your own shoulders should your husband cheat or leave – again, your statistics are the same as every other woman’s. Maybe, just maybe, the responsibility lies with them.
Absolutely – the responsibility is theirs – of course, but we’re opening up this conversation looking for the ‘reason’ not the excuse..
And yes, we want respect – but we need love ..(is what my point was above) this theory is that love, or to be loved, is what we need the most to feel secure and respect is what they need the most.
They are very similar emotions – and yes, I can see that they’re intertwined..but let me ask you something, did you crave respect mostly after you secured love? I know I did. So I guess I can see some truth in this theory.
By respect, I dont’ mean bowing down or letting him take the ultimate dominating role – I just mean not demeaning and immasculating him.
The basis of this theory is that we give what we need the most – automatically.
But that’s flawed, we should acknowledge what we need the most – let it be heard – then acknowledge what they need the most and give it.
I hope this isn’t coming off terrible old school – maybe I’m not explaining it very well.
Tracee, I didn’t mean to cause offense, really I didn’t!
Love and respect are intertwined, most definitely! I’m sure that my explanation was terriffically simplified, as well. Nothing is ever as easy as how I told it. My husband is making that emotional effort, because he was able to see the benefit. Not only to himself, but to everyone around him. It took years, lots of talks until 2 am, and plenty of tears, too. I’m not sure that all people, I can’t just say men, are able to acknowledge what they might see as weakness in themselves.
You are absolutely right about where I place blame on myself though. I have been through a divorce. We owned a business and had two kids, I took the kids to work with me. We read books and potty trained between helping customers! Quite honestly, I made no effort to stay connected to the man I married. I grew bored with him, but made no effort to change things. When I finally did tell him that I was unhappy, I was just ready to leave, and nothing he did was good enough. Yes, I place that blame on myself.
Since then, I have met a wonderful man, and this time, I am making sure I don’t let things fall by the wayside. If either of us is upset about something, we talk about it. My mother taught me to always talk a disagreement through to a resolution and never go to bed angry. I have really taken that to heart and try to live my life that way.
I hope I have done a better job of explaining where I’m coming from this time.
I left out a whole thought!
Love and respect going hand in hand. I was hoping my example of myself would show the love and respect my husband and I share. Enough to work through all those rough spots that can occur.
I feel that one must respect, as well as love, one’s partner for a marriage to truly work. I did not respect my first husband, but I don’t think the love I felt for him will ever completely go away. I don’t think love works like that. It is certainly not as strong, or even the same, as when I married him, but it’s still there.
Another thing to consider on the aspect of why cheating occurs, is marrying for the wrong reasons in the beginning. There are so many motives out there! I think it would be hard to pin the reasons down to one or two. Even a top 10 might get overly full.
My ex was a cheater, and I think it had more to do with his own insecurities than me.
I think Tigger is right, there are a lot of motives out there (and some of the motives are simply excuses.) Obviously, having a bad relationship can lead to problems in this area though.
I do get tired of the idea that men misbehaving is somehow caused by women not acting in a certain way or can be magically prevented by women never saying or doing the wrong thing.
Why is it always on us?
How about I won’t divorce you/punch you in the balls/screw your best friend if you don’t cheat on me?
LOL to your last line Violet! That sounds like a deal many couples should make, but infortunate, too.
I had my husband read this last night, and I was not at all prepared for his reaction! He was MAD that I had taken all this blame on myself, and his reason makes sense, now that I’ve had time to think about it.
My darling husband reminded me that when the “physical aspect” of our marriage seems to be pushed to the back burner, it’s not only MY responsibility to get things back on track. He asked if my first husband was as persistent as my current husband at changing my mind if I claim to be “not in the mood.” And, I have to admit that my first husband would shrug, roll over and just go to sleep. Maybe he cheated because he found someone who would do all the work, while I took all the blame for things falling apart!
My husband would also like me to say that he agrees with Tracee’s comments and only wanted to add that it’s not just men that cheat. He said that whoever does the cheating is the one who has to take the responsibility because ultimately, they are the ONLY ones responsible for the choices they make.
It is very liberating! I’ve been carrying this around with me for more than 10 years and now it’s just … gone! I feel so light now, and I never even knew how heavy this burden was until I didn’t have to carry it anymore.
Thank you for starting this discussion! I may not have helped anyone get closer to figuring out why men cheat, but I have had some deeply emotional baggage cleared away! My poor daughter doesn’t even know what to do with me today! HAHA! Before 7 am I was dancing around the kitchen and singing while fixing her breakfast. I NEVER do that!
This is awesome! Sorry to gush so much … well, no, I’m not really, but I am sorry if it bothers anyone.
That’s awesome. I agree – we shouldn’t take responsibility for the action of cheating. I’ve had friends who’ve been screwed up for years thinking they did something wrong or didn’t do something or whatever.. I was never trying to imply that the responsibility falls on the wife/girlfriend.
But, wasn’t this whole show about the reasons men cheat? Trying to give us a deeper undersanding of the reasons? Not excuses – just the explaination. I, as a married woman, would like to have a greater understanding of the motives of a cheater so that I can
a) look for the signs
b) take preventative measures – if there are any
c) recognize the shift before the act happens
d) come to peace with those that have cheated on me.
I strongly believe that some cheaters simply do it to boost their lacking ego – I dont’ think any woman can prevent that sort of cheating.. But, there’s another camp of cheaters out there – the kind that have only done it once? The kind that have an affair after 20 years in a happy marriage? And I want to understand WHY they go that route. I dont’ think this kind of man is checking out every hot girl in the resteraunt or combing the parking lot for potential scores – I think there’s something very different going on there and I want to understand it,..not excuse it, just understand it.
No, I don’t think it’s my job to make sure he doesn’t cheat – but it is my job to make sure our relationship is healthy and he’s getting what he needs – just like it’s his job to do that for me. I’m very vocal in telling my husband what I need and he’s not quite as good at expressing his needs to me – I think most men are pretty bad at this.
Tigger – I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear that you are not taking responsibility for your ex-husbands behavior or your husband’s behavior. I am also thrilled to hear that your husband sees his investment in the marriage as equal to your own. That’s the only way it can work.
I’m not really that thrilled with the second show either.
It sounded like we’re giving a free pass on men being emotionally retarded. Also, that whole women are checked out of their marriage rings zero true to me.
Most women I know complain about their men rejecting their emotional and romantic advances, being too busy or too cheap to go on dates, not putting down their computers, saying everything is fine when they bring issues up. Most women take their marriages very seriously, suggest seeking help if they have problems, make it a point to speak to their men, surprise them with gifts or special meals, etc. And the men call them “nags” for it.
Then we have guys on this show saying, “I didn’t know I was lonely until the Dr. told me so.”
Here’s the definition of emotionally retarded “you can’t identify your own feeling or emotion and you are rendered helpless to your penis in the face of one.”
Everyone should go to their husbands tonight and say, “This is what ‘lonely’ feels like – a little ache in your heart where you feel disconnected. It’s okay to be lonely, In case of loneliness here’s the phone number for the baby sitter – call her. I’ll go with you. To prevent loneliness you should stop investing so much time and energy in that computer at night, or golf, or your second business, or hatred of your boss, or the beer or your weed, because it will never love you back. “
I know a lot of those women too Tracee, and then I know women that do all of that, but avoid sex with their husbands like the plague..
Again, do you feel like the purpose of the discussion was to excuse behavior, or explain it? I mean, figuring out motive is not exactly excusing the crime.
Maybe I’m not quite as emotional about this as some because I honestly don’t worry about my husband doing this. I dont’ believe it’s something I can prevent – beyond working on our relationship – so I don’t see the point in obsessing over it. Also, my husband and I have overcome some huge obstacles of another kind in the 3 1/2 yrs of marriage and during all of this overcoming there were many points of reckoning that either of us could have easily gone to another for comfort. My husband is also a recovering addict – and there’s lots of feelings and self reflection and talking involved in that recovery – so I guess I’m pretty confident that he is in touch with this feelings.
Another factor in my security is that his parents divorced due to infidelity – and it was devastating to him. His family was literally shattered and I think he sees that as the ultimate evil.
I’m not saying we are immune to the statistics – I’m saying if anything, I worry about us falling into that other category I mentioned above later down the road. All I can see to do is stick close to each other, keep reinventing ourselves, not lose ourselves in one another, always keep divorce off the table, try and respect him as much as I would a best friend, have a lot of sex (for the benefit of all – not just him) and communicate.
I don’t know if that’s the magic formula or not, but I know the beauty of these sorts of discussions is that it makes us all a little more aware and analytical about our own marriages. We regularly have talks about how we hope our future will be, what kinds of ruts we want to avoid, what we’ll expect and need, etc.. I dont’ know – I don’t have all the answers.
I feel like the “I didn’t know I felt like that.” is just a cop-out at this point. Women have been standing up for themselves for quite a while now. Like Tracee said, most women do take their marriages very seriously, and work hard at them … all that stuff men think is “nagging.” It’s just an excuse not to deal with something that’s difficult.
No one ever claimed that dealing with one’s emotions is easy. I don’t think we would appreciate anything if it all came easily. I feel that most men don’t want to put in the effort required to understand themselves, never mind what it takes to understand someone else.
I also feel that some men seem to view “working on the marriage” as something that women do, or are good at, so just let them do it then. And they just wash their hands of the whole thing. After all this time, it’s become pretty obvious, to me at least, that the marriages that work are the ones where BOTH partners are involved in making it work.
I say, Enough already! All of those emotionally “retarded” men out there have had more than enough time to wallow in the mistakes of past generations. Get over it, move on with life and prove that you can actually BE men!
If a few can realize that the wives of the world have been right all this time, then they are all capable of learning. Now as for the rate at which they learn … they ARE still male. Heh!
I’ll get tickled for that little dig later, but it was worth it!
I think maybe a positive of this open discussion is that maybe we’re giving a heads up to women trying to choose a mate – most men are just as emotionally retarded while dating.
And I agree totally – both parties must be invested and actively work at it.
I don’t worry at all about my husband cheating at all to be honest. I just didn’t find Nueman’s insight into male behavior very insightful at all.
When Nueman gave the 3 signs that he’s cheating my husband has all 3. But, I think his Christian Sex Guilt outweighs any temptation he might have.
After the first show we scheduled sex 3 times a week because it will make us both healthier and happier.
If anything, I realized after the 2nd show that I am lonely. I’m tired of his computer and beer replacing an actual relationship with me. And I’m sick to death of having to say the same thing over and over. Why do men have the excuse “I didn’t understand my feelings” or “I didn’t feel like putting in the effort” and then get to destroy their entire families.
I’m lonely, but, am I cheating? No. I’m just telling him I’m lonely. Like a normal person.
We just went through a near-divorce marriage war and we’re in a place where I think we both realized how important this – our marriage and our family – is and we’re both willing to make an effort.
We got out of the weekly date habit due to no babysitters when we moved – I think I’ll find a weekly sitter and suck the $20 up.
It’s hard to make that weekly date – we dont’ even go on a monthly date! Sitters are just a pain and then I’m kinda worried while I’m gone and checking the time.
I really feel like the sex issue is important – not in a 1956 “It’s your wifely duty” kind of way either. I need to have sex with him often or I kind of drift away emotionally..I also feel my security blanket getting thin when we don’t make time.
Its just hard, marriage is hard! I don’t want out or anything – I just think we should be honest about the fact that it’s hard..not fairytale-ish at all.
I so agree!! I hear so many of my friends with the same complaints. The computer or playstation, beer, too much tv. It’s sad to see people who got together because they like to be together, drift apart because once they’re married, they don’t do anything together.
I, for one, am a firm believer in “date night”, even if we can’t go out. My daughter has a weekly overnight visit with Grammy, and I am SO grateful! Sometimes we go out to dinner or a movie, but with money being so tight, more often than not, we just stay in. However, there are no tv, computer or video games allowed! We love to put on some music and then have a Cribbage marathon, or some other kind of game like that.
I think a lot of people have a misconception of the “work” of marriage. It’s not all about the big, amazing act or gift to “make it all ok.” The little things in life have more meaning than they’re given credit for. It goes back to respect and love going hand in hand. If you like to do something that your spouse doesn’t appreciate, both partners should try to find the respect for each other to come to a compromise. Instead of two hours on the computer at night, have an hour for the computer, and an hour for your wife. That kind of thing.
By spending more time together, we may all be reminded of why we got married in the first place!
There is about 50 percent men and 50 percent women out there. How come almost 100 percent of women have all these complaints about cheating men, where are the women out there who are actually taking part in the game with him, why do they not take responsibility for themselves and other peoples marriages/relationships? I always find there is a problem between me and my boyfriend, some other woman is involved. This is in no way meant to confuse men but I do think there is a level of sensitivity in men towards women’s needs.