Woman with Asperger’s commits suicide
January 5, 2007 by Kristina Chew, PhD
Filed under Health
Terrible news: Nikki Bacharach, a 40-year-old woman with Asperger’s Syndrome, committed suicide Thursday night at her condo in Thousand Oaks, in Southern California, as reported in Reuters today. Bacharach was the daughter of songwriter Burt Bacharach and actress Angie Dickinson. A statement released by family was quoted in the Associated Press and noted that “‘She loved kitties, and earthquakes, glacial calving, meteor showers, science, blue skies and sunsets, and Tahiti.’” Answers.com notes that her full name was Lea Nikki Bacharach and that she was born three months premature in 1966.
The statement also notes this:
“She quietly and peacefully committed suicide to escape the ravages to her brain brought on by Asperger’s.”
My deepest sympathies go out to an autism family who has lost an autistic child. The mention of Bacharach killing herself “to escape ravages of her brought on by Asperger’s”—brought on by autism—saddens me thoroughly: Was this how Bacharach thought about what it was like to have Asperger’s Syndrome?
How terribly sad. I can only keep working to improve our world so that people like Nikki (and my son with Asperger’s!) don’t have to feel that they are somehow less than what they “should” be.
I’ll keep trying to do what I can too—-our kids and people like Nikki need to know that they are not at all “less,” but “more.”
Dr. Chew,
There may have been mitigaiting circumstances that contributed to Nikki’s untimely and sad death. Nikki’s mother was a full time caregiver to Nikki and devoted to her well being. As you are aware, children and individuals with Aspergers diagnosised today have many treatment options open to them that Nikki may have not had. Nikki was born in 1966, Aspergers did not arrive in this country’s vocabulary until the mid 1980’s. There is still much to be known about Aspergers and I would like to note that anyone who knew Nikki or who spent time with Nikki had not doubt at all that she was more than any of us could have hoped for in a lifetime. She was truly an individual as only a person with Aspergers can be, she was gifted beyond understanding. Please keep her in your heart every time you see a sunset. If you are lucky enough to see a green sparkle that will be Nikki.
Go here and search “suicide” and you will see why this terrible thing is not surprising.
Lora, thank you so much for writing about Nikki here. I know more than a few people of her age who have Asperger’s and have seen how they too have struggled, and how the services and awareness we have today might have helped, even a little.
Am thinking of her.
Just based on my experience with 11 twin boys with Aspergers syndrome, wanting “to escape ravages of her brought on by Asperger’s” was probably not a conscious thought in Nikki and not something she “thought about what it was like to have Asperger’s Syndrome?” There are plenty of people in the world who are only too happy to make life miserable for people with Asperger’s withough any direct knowledge that the person has the syndrome.
My kids have both been horribly bullied because they “use words that are too big” or “know too much,” because they seem different, sometimes a little out of it, perhaps a little naive. They have a cousin who sniffs it out and tries to take advantage of it. This sort of behavior threatens to bring down their self esteem, though we have raised them in such a way that they are able to deflect such treatment. Still, it doesn’t make them think of Asperger’s in any particular way – it only makes them look at themselves in a sad way.
Unfortunately, way too many people are treated like this by their fellow humans for all sorts of reasons – stuttering, boys who are effeminate, you name it. Human beings can be very cruel to other humans who are perceived as different, who are not easily understood, who display what can be construed as a weakness, regardless of the reasons. Being made to feel like crap is, sadly, a human constant that crosses disorders and syndromes and all kinds of living.
Anyhow, I think the most important thing one can do for any kid, not just an Asperger’s child, is to focus on their strengths and their family and use both as the muscles that make taunting meaningless to them.
Sorry for the ramble!
Thank you for the ramble! I hope we can keep working to make our world safe for those who “seem different.”
I have had Asperger’s my whole life now, and I am in graduate school. I think it is one of the most painful forms of human suffering, and anyone who contemplates suicide, including myself, ought to be respected for their right to do so. I have been bullied time and again, ostracized from every social group conceivable, and become a circus show for the female race. To think there is any dignity in this disability is a false hope. I have lost my faith in God because of this syndrome and do not believe in such a thing as “spiritual” nature to human beings. I think we are competitive mammals striving for power and survival, driven by our libido, and nothing more. Only when you are on the margins of society do you realize this, and see exactly how superficial people are, even though they think they are deep, ethical, profound, civil, and so forth. You can disagree with my view, but I the reality is often hard to accept.
George, thank you for writing here about what you have been through: What do you think might be done to make things better? I have been htinking more and more about bullying and its effects in regard to my own son—-I would like to do what I might to help change society.
Dear George, I was born Autistic but didn’t know it until I was diagnosed with Asperger’s at 35. I’m now 36 and having a diagnosis helped me understand why I’ve had so many problems in life and so much pain. My biggest problem is trust: I trust too easily and usually pay dearly. Yes, humans do seem to behave in predatory way and having bullied mercilessly for most of my life I now realise that people do it out of their own insecurity (but it still hurts). I’ve been feeling suicidal many times but I don’t believe that being defeatist (having the right to kill yourself) is a way out. I believe in God, despite the horrific things I’ve been through in my 36 years (enough to want to kill yourself, believe me). God gave life and it’s up to God to take life. We must carry on regardless and suffer if that’s what we have to do. 60 per cent of my family perished in concentration camps and those who survived died of cancer but they fought right to the end. There’s a reason for why we’re here – I don’t know it. But giving up is not an option. I have young children and they would struggle a lot more without their Mother than any suffering I’ve had to endure, for sure. I will live and fight on for them. For people who are all alone in this world, with or without Asperger’s – it must be harder but not impossible. They say: when your own life becomes unbearable – step back from it and help others. It always makes you feel better and you’d be doing something good for others. If you think you own life sucks think about people dying of starvation all over the world. Go and volunteer and help them – you don’t need any money to do it. Just give your time. If the people around you are too selfish to treat you properly – go to a far away place where you’ll be appreciated. Save a child’s life, teach at free school, learn to build a fire. I grew up in 1970-s Soviet Union when the food shops were bare and my grandparents taught me how to grow potatoes and make toys out of old coats – it was the best time of my life. If you REALLY had to struggle, you’d value every second of your life and have joy just because they didn’t turn off the water today and you could have a wash. Everything is relative, but life is ALWAYS precious. Sorry if I sounded preachy – it was not my intention. I just say how I really feel.
please, delete previous! it had mistakes!
Dear George, I was born Autistic but didn’t know it until I was diagnosed with Asperger’s at 35. I’m now 36 and having a diagnosis helped me understand why I’ve had so many problems in life and so much pain. My biggest problem is trust: I trust too easily and usually pay dearly. Yes, humans do seem to behave in predatory way and having been bullied mercilessly for most of my life I now realise that people do it out of their own insecurity (but it still hurts). I’ve been feeling suicidal many times but I don’t believe that being defeatist (having the right to kill yourself) is a way out. I believe in God, despite the horrific things I’ve been through in my 36 years (enough to want to kill yourself, believe me). God gave life and it’s up to God to take life. We must carry on regardless and suffer if that’s what we have to do. 60 per cent of my family perished in concentration camps and those who survived died of cancer or other things but they fought right to the end. There’s a reason for why we’re here – I don’t know it. But giving up is not an option. I have young children and they would struggle a lot more without their Mother than any suffering I’ve had to endure, for sure. I will live and fight on for them. For people who are all alone in this world, with or without Asperger’s – it must be harder but not impossible. They say: when your own life becomes unbearable – step back from it and help others. It always makes you feel better and you’d be doing something good for others. If you think your own life sucks think about people dying of starvation all over the world. Go and volunteer and help them – you don’t need any money to do it. Just give your time. If the people around you are too selfish or bitchy to treat you properly – go to a far away place where you’ll be appreciated. Save a child’s life, teach at free school, learn to build a fire. I respect people who do something positive, not the bullies and many other people feel the same way, believe me! I grew up in 1970-s Soviet Union when the food shops were bare and my grandparents taught me how to grow potatoes and make toys out of old coats – it was the best time of my life. If you REALLY had to struggle, you’d value every second of your life and have joy just because they didn’t turn off the water today and you could have a wash. Everything is relative, but life is ALWAYS precious. Sorry if I sounded preachy – it was not my intention. I just say how I really feel.
I am constantly appalled by how people with AS are treated in our modern society. I am not on the spectrum, but have family members and friends who are. I can see how stressful life is for them and how neurotypicals who are supposed to be so flexible are making it even harder. I am not surprised people feel that suicide is the only option. However, every suicide is one too many. Suicide indicates society’s (that’s everyone’s) failure to help those who are in need. With good support and acceptance of people for who they are, there would not be a need for people to kill themselves. I think we all need to have a good look inside ourselves and think about what THEY can do. Just accepting someone with AS and not asking them to fit in all the time, but accommodating their difference is something that we can all achieve, if only we try.
Given that people are social animals, it’s highly unlikely that the vast majority will ever accept those on the fringes. I would not be surprised if that vast majority actually rejoices at least inwardly when someone who doesn’t fit in takes his/her life. I can relate to what George is saying, and I should mention that suicide is not something done without much thought.
Dear George.
I know how you feel.
But even though I share some of your pain (probably all of it), I have found ways to remember, even when things seem the worst (I am having one of those periods right now, which is how I ended up on this website), that life is worth living, and that there is something called “good” to believe in.
I see the world as a piece of music. Everyone knows the feeling of listening to music that you have never heard before and yet feeling as if you already know what’s going to be next.
This is the feeling I get, when everything in the world “matches up” and behaves as it’s “should”, right up to the point where the flock of birds passes overhead and I hear the faint sound of the flapping wings, exactly when it’s supposed to…
This feeling makes me happy, and as long as there are perfect moments like that, I will go on, trying to find them, and find the people that appreciate them the way I do.
Frank
Greetings,
At the expense of possibly running a topic into the ground, I present my take on this subject. Perhaps an individual who is suffering from Asperger’s, or a family who has a child with this condition can gain some insight from my diatribe. If not, well, sue me for writing a book:)
Like the chap a few entries above me. I know that I will become embarrassed by what I have written, finding many gramatical and structural errors and using I and me statements to the point of sounding pompous………………………Oh well.
I too battle with Asperger’s, and have found myself struggling with the “ravages of the mind” brought on by this peculiarity. While one can’t automatically assume that what one is feeling is the exact same emotion another human has felt, the quote given in regards to Mr. Bacharach’s daughter Nikki sent an awful, sobering resonance throughout my being, as it sounds very close to emotions and thoughts that I have fought with off and on for some time. I feel awful for the girl and her family!
I was born in 1974, and my loving parents knew very early on that I was wired “slightly different” than the average individual, but racked it all up to what would best be described as my own eccentricities. As a young child, I sensed a difference within myself from the other children around, but I really didn’t care. I was more than happy with the “brain candy” I experienced off of staring at colors, or, obsessing about various interests of mine, versus having playmates around. I remember not being able to speak very well also. Once again, at an early age, this didn’t concern me.
Once junior high, and high school rolled around, the desire for dating and relationships seemed to take over as my number one priority. Very natural indeed! I had very bad, systic acne, and felt horribly self conscious. I was looked at as overwhelmingly weird by my classmates, and probably, as an awkward geek by the girls whom I was attracted to. This didn’t help my self esteem at all! It was during j.h. and high school, that I also started noticing problems with comprehending my school work. Even though I asked my teachers questions, they were unable to present the material in a way that I could understand. This too further added to my frustrations and self esteem problems. It sounds strange, but even though I was experiencing EXTREME frustration, I had a very hard time verbalizing EXACTLY how I felt in a way that was comprehendable to those around me. I didn’t realize it then, but I was already angry at the world.
There were hellaciously bad nights of self hatred even in those wonder years! My family started to suspect that what I was experiencing was more than adolescence, yet, one of my parents did not want to admit to it. It was not until my first year in college that my family and I really started to pursue a diagnosis of what might ail me. I visited a few doctors and psychologists and was puzzled that although they could find anomalies within my makeup, they would not give a diagnosis. When I look back upon this time in my life, I am pleased that the doctor’s “suspended judgement” as to what I might suffer. Asperger’s was barely known about within Midwest America in the early 1990’s, and I, however painful it was at the time, am grateful that the doctors didn’t place an incorrect diagnosis upon me.
I finally had a complete breakdown about a year and a half ago which led to my hospitilization for a time. I began to freely talk to my psychiatrist about my experiences in life, and it was not until last year that I received a diagnosis for what I have had for my entire life. It seems that the older I get, the larger my reaction becomes to what I consciously know is happening in my mind……………I am still receiving treatment in the form of experimental medication, and have found that some of the “edge” can be taken off, although I will probably never find a complete “cure.”
If you have read this far, I can tell you that things seem to get both better, and worse as time goes on. I am now 33, and have been married for 6 years. I could not have imagined this coming to be in high school! I will warn individuals with Asperger’s that marriage is difficult even within the confines of the “normal” brain. Make sure your partner KNOWS that they are not going to precipitate a complete change in your mental makeup! Even whilst trying my hardest, I can appear stoic, or, cold towards my mate. I have grown in my capacity to do little things around the house, yet feel agitated at least 50 percent of the time with the busy work. I love my wife dearly, but I realize that I put undue stress upon her with my repititious banter, and sometimes self critical “loathing” towards myself.
I would say that I can hide my true self for a time now out in public, yet, sometime I know that I will break down, and my idiosynchrocies will become VERY apparent. I can be very hard on myself at work when this happens! I have learned that outward disdain for oneself can taint the way other people view you. Try your level best to only show OVERT weakness amongst close friends and family that you trust!
I think the main area of life that gives me the most frustration, is work. I feel more than capable of doing wonderful things with my mind now, yet feel somewhat underchallenged at my work place even though what I do is extremely taxing. I have degrees, and much college under my belt, yet, I have not reaped a job that is consumate with the amount of time and money that have gone into what seemed like a struggle with school that was uphill from all sides. I LOVE both music, and the recording arts and have considered heading back to a college such as Full Sail, and receiving a formal education in working with audio. Not only is this expensive, but unlikely to yield a job that I feel that, no……..That I KNOW that I would be good at. Perhaps I need to continue on in what I am doing, and realize that there are many people within the world who are more than equipped for a job, yet are never fully able to seize it! Perhaps, I am confusing my hobbies with the real world!
I have an 11 son diagnoised at 3 we have been blessed with this child and his younger sister. But recentlty he went into middle school 6th grade and has made comments such as “the world hates me” and he wants to kill himself saying nobody loves him etc. all these statements are made under extreme emotionally events (to him , to anybody else the situation is no big deal but to him…..) Has anybody else expeirenced a simiular situation? Obviously this is a concern to all envolved and can’t be ignored and for the better part of his life he has been very successful. He may not have alot of friends but does have a stable few and can make a friend in a second . He even has a “girlfriend”. The thought of him being even a little serious about suicide is alarming.
Any help suggestions comments etc. are greatly appreiated
Thank you
Karen
I don’t have answers, Karen, but can say I do know families with children with Asperger who have gone through, or are now going through, exactly the same experiences. I will look for some resources—–that is great that he has a “girlfriend”! My son is just around the same age and has an autism diagnosis, and not enough language to express his thoughts. I have been worrying about what will happen as he grows into adolescence.
My own son is going through what Karen is speaking of. I am a single mother trying to handle a job with his needs. He couldn’t deal with middle school, was placed in a program for those with emotional disturbances and that just put him alone in a classroom full of bullies, not just one or two. So called mental health experts there told me that he would have to put up with the bullying because that is just what these kids do as part of their issues and after all his issues brings on the bullying (like somehow he’s giong to stop being Aspergers if he’s just tortured enough).
The school district refused to hear my pleas for his emotional health at first. Finally got a doctor to write a letter. I told them that it would be medical neglect for me to send him back to that school. Am now forcing them to find a better placement. May just homeschool him. I’m ready to lose my car right now because I’ve been unable to work steadily. Sad to say but two years ago I homeschooled him then worked evenings and it was the only way for him to be safe and myself to hold down a job. No school issues.
Cindy, hang in—another mother told me about how, when her son (he has Aspergers too) would sit at a table in the cafeteria, other students would get up and leave……… it made a huge difference when one teacher kept his room open during lunch time. What is happening for your son while a new placement is sought—-is he home? How is he handling all this?
I would be interested in knowing more. My husband had been meeting with a therapist who as started to discuss Asperger’s Syndrome with him (I had believed it for over a year). He is starting to understand that he has difficulties and,therefore, I have problems finding the right way for our family to function. Further, we have just removed our child from a “Christian” school because of bullying and, finally, all students removing themselves from my child’s area while watching a movie. This is a good student who has tried many ways to engage children. I suspect my child has asperger’s syndrome but, as a special ed teachers, don’t see that public school does much for these kids. Yes, learning disabled students also have other behavioral problems, often aggression, and would be the worst children to place someone with asperger’s syndrome in the same classroom. I am encouraged by the work of Dr. Olweus at the University of Bergen in Norway. He writes a very good book that shares a strategy for improving students’ behaviors towards students. It is a proper way to design the classroom atmosphere. Please read this book and approach your administrator about how they plan to implement this program into the classroom curriculum.
Interesting discussion. This is why I homeschool my 13 year old HFA son. We have two more years of middle school and I hope he gets into the LA Zoo high school magnet, otherwise not sure what the options are for him. He just wants to work at the Zoo.
I congratulate this woman on her escape from hell. I have a high IQ and am very shy and have been terrorized and bullied my entire life for being different and independent. I only recently found out that I have Aspergers, but it explains a lot. At 31, I am still bullied regularly by people who think I’m weird and I was severely abused by my ex husband who told me I embarrassed him with my shyness and inability to make small talk with his friends. I am resigned to being outcast and powerless and patiently trudge through life waiting for the day I am lucky enough for life to end. It seems to me this disorder is basically a guarantee that you will be miserable and there is no escaping it. I think society should be more accepting of suicide. We put our pets out of misery, why not ourselves? I thoroughly respect the choice of someone who wants to commit suicide.