The cold reality Nikki Bacharach was finally persuaded to do what society has always wanted of her. To eliminate her problematic existance from their precious piece of mind.

God may see every life as sacred, but human beings only value their own.

The school district refused to hear my pleas for his emotional health at first. Finally got a doctor to write a letter. I told them that it would be medical neglect for me to send him back to that school. Am now forcing them to find a better placement. May just homeschool him. I’m ready to lose my car right now because I’ve been unable to work steadily. Sad to say but two years ago I homeschooled him then worked evenings and it was the only way for him to be safe and myself to hold down a job. No school issues.

At the expense of possibly running a topic into the ground, I present my take on this subject. Perhaps an individual who is suffering from Asperger’s, or a family who has a child with this condition can gain some insight from my diatribe. If not, well, sue me for writing a book:)
Like the chap a few entries above me. I know that I will become embarrassed by what I have written, finding many gramatical and structural errors and using I and me statements to the point of sounding pompous………………………Oh well.

I too battle with Asperger’s, and have found myself struggling with the “ravages of the mind” brought on by this peculiarity. While one can’t automatically assume that what one is feeling is the exact same emotion another human has felt, the quote given in regards to Mr. Bacharach’s daughter Nikki sent an awful, sobering resonance throughout my being, as it sounds very close to emotions and thoughts that I have fought with off and on for some time. I feel awful for the girl and her family!

I was born in 1974, and my loving parents knew very early on that I was wired “slightly different” than the average individual, but racked it all up to what would best be described as my own eccentricities. As a young child, I sensed a difference within myself from the other children around, but I really didn’t care. I was more than happy with the “brain candy” I experienced off of staring at colors, or, obsessing about various interests of mine, versus having playmates around. I remember not being able to speak very well also. Once again, at an early age, this didn’t concern me.

Once junior high, and high school rolled around, the desire for dating and relationships seemed to take over as my number one priority. Very natural indeed! I had very bad, systic acne, and felt horribly self conscious. I was looked at as overwhelmingly weird by my classmates, and probably, as an awkward geek by the girls whom I was attracted to. This didn’t help my self esteem at all! It was during j.h. and high school, that I also started noticing problems with comprehending my school work. Even though I asked my teachers questions, they were unable to present the material in a way that I could understand. This too further added to my frustrations and self esteem problems. It sounds strange, but even though I was experiencing EXTREME frustration, I had a very hard time verbalizing EXACTLY how I felt in a way that was comprehendable to those around me. I didn’t realize it then, but I was already angry at the world.

There were hellaciously bad nights of self hatred even in those wonder years! My family started to suspect that what I was experiencing was more than adolescence, yet, one of my parents did not want to admit to it. It was not until my first year in college that my family and I really started to pursue a diagnosis of what might ail me. I visited a few doctors and psychologists and was puzzled that although they could find anomalies within my makeup, they would not give a diagnosis. When I look back upon this time in my life, I am pleased that the doctor’s “suspended judgement” as to what I might suffer. Asperger’s was barely known about within Midwest America in the early 1990’s, and I, however painful it was at the time, am grateful that the doctors didn’t place an incorrect diagnosis upon me.

I finally had a complete breakdown about a year and a half ago which led to my hospitilization for a time. I began to freely talk to my psychiatrist about my experiences in life, and it was not until last year that I received a diagnosis for what I have had for my entire life. It seems that the older I get, the larger my reaction becomes to what I consciously know is happening in my mind……………I am still receiving treatment in the form of experimental medication, and have found that some of the “edge” can be taken off, although I will probably never find a complete “cure.”

If you have read this far, I can tell you that things seem to get both better, and worse as time goes on. I am now 33, and have been married for 6 years. I could not have imagined this coming to be in high school! I will warn individuals with Asperger’s that marriage is difficult even within the confines of the “normal” brain. Make sure your partner KNOWS that they are not going to precipitate a complete change in your mental makeup! Even whilst trying my hardest, I can appear stoic, or, cold towards my mate. I have grown in my capacity to do little things around the house, yet feel agitated at least 50 percent of the time with the busy work. I love my wife dearly, but I realize that I put undue stress upon her with my repititious banter, and sometimes self critical “loathing” towards myself.

I would say that I can hide my true self for a time now out in public, yet, sometime I know that I will break down, and my idiosynchrocies will become VERY apparent. I can be very hard on myself at work when this happens! I have learned that outward disdain for oneself can taint the way other people view you. Try your level best to only show OVERT weakness amongst close friends and family that you trust!

I think the main area of life that gives me the most frustration, is work. I feel more than capable of doing wonderful things with my mind now, yet feel somewhat underchallenged at my work place even though what I do is extremely taxing. I have degrees, and much college under my belt, yet, I have not reaped a job that is consumate with the amount of time and money that have gone into what seemed like a struggle with school that was uphill from all sides. I LOVE both music, and the recording arts and have considered heading back to a college such as Full Sail, and receiving a formal education in working with audio. Not only is this expensive, but unlikely to yield a job that I feel that, no……..That I KNOW that I would be good at. Perhaps I need to continue on in what I am doing, and realize that there are many people within the world who are more than equipped for a job, yet are never fully able to seize it! Perhaps, I am confusing my hobbies with the real world!

I know how you feel.

But even though I share some of your pain (probably all of it), I have found ways to remember, even when things seem the worst (I am having one of those periods right now, which is how I ended up on this website), that life is worth living, and that there is something called “good” to believe in.

I see the world as a piece of music. Everyone knows the feeling of listening to music that you have never heard before and yet feeling as if you already know what’s going to be next.

This is the feeling I get, when everything in the world “matches up” and behaves as it’s “should”, right up to the point where the flock of birds passes overhead and I hear the faint sound of the flapping wings, exactly when it’s supposed to…

This feeling makes me happy, and as long as there are perfect moments like that, I will go on, trying to find them, and find the people that appreciate them the way I do.

Frank