Working Mothers of Autistic Children 2
January 29, 2007 by Kristina Chew, PhD
Filed under Health
An autism mother left this comment recently on the October 11th post, Working Mothers of Autistic Children:
I have a 7 yr old boy with ASD, I am working full time and trying to manage a household and finances. My husband is a great help. How can I get everything done and still keep a structured schedule to avoid meltdowns. My house is a disaster and there is no time to clean. Any suggestions?
I work full-time; I am able to because, while I go into work five days a week, I have a fairly flexible schedule (I am a college professor of Latin and classical Greek at a college in New Jersey). My short answer about house work is to borrow a page from the notion of “discrete trial teaching” and break down the tasks into small components and do one or a few as I can—–I also make sure to be honest with myself, that sometimes I just cannot get it all done and need to do things for Charlie first and foremost. Now that he is 9 1/2 years old, he has begun to help out more and more—he has been taking out the garbage as of this weekend.
Any and all suggestions welcomed!
I hire house cleaners for the heavy duty stuff, so all I need to do cleaning-wise is the daily maintenance. I rely on my husband to share all house chores with me. And we only cook fast meals, bring leftovers when going out to lunch at work time, etc.
1) We also have someone come in (once a month) to do the big stuff.
2) We try to incorporate cleaning up one activity before we progress to the next.
3) Accept the disorder. As long as it’s sanitary, that’s all that counts. Everyone already thinks we’re bad parents. What’s one more thing for them to “cluck, cluck” about?
We do too much take-out or I cook simple meals for Charlie……plus my parents visit from the West Coast very frequently and help restore order (or its semblance).
Just accept.
My house is train wreck. But, if I have to choose between spending time w/ my boys, working on my dissertation, preparing course prep for my classes, and doing dishes, dishes don’t get done. My friends all think we’re slobs anyway. What can I do? I don’t really care enough to do anything substantial about it.
I close my eyes and ignore the mess, that, and refuse to have anyone else come in the house.
It isnt an ideal solution but there’s only me and small boy, and things just don’t get done.
we have tro loive with the mess. like the above posts said, they already dislike me, what’s one more thing?and in our society, they assume it’s always a womans fault the house isn’t clean.
we survive day to day in chaos
My husband Charlie & I had the housework divided evenly before Brendan was born, when we were both working, & things worked very smoothly. Interestingly, after Brendan was born it was Charlie’s jobs (vacuuming & cleaning the bathrooms) that weren’t getting done (perhaps because I was the one staying home…). He never even considered my taking them over, since Brendan was my new full-time job, so that’s when we found housecleaning help, every other week. There’s still a lot, day-to-day, & some days I’m just happy to have gotten the laundry done & coped succesfully with my family. Our standards for “clean” certainly aren’t those of my mother’s generation, but she’s learned to keep her mouth shut
& we are happy & healthy…
We get the “immediate need” tasks done, then if there’s time & energy, move onto other ones.
My office is a disaster.
My closet is a near-disaster.
The master bedroom is a near-disaster.
We have boxes neatly stacked in various places that need to be gone through.
As for the cooking, I try to make big batches of things that freeze well as often as I can manage, so we just have to microwave stuff when we’re tired and frazzled. We get take-out a little more often than we should. (And I need to start on a batch of soup now, rather than commenting on blogs!)
We live amidst a fair amount of chaos, too. But — we pay a cleaning crew to do the major cleaning once a month. We pay an exterminator so we don’t have to worry (too much!) about creepy-crawlies in our aging Victorian home. As for homework, I’m often so worn out from helping Amigo withhis that I get behind on mine. Oh, must go — the bunnies’ litter box is starting to smell. Must get that done before I comment on any more blogs.
My wife and I have 2 kids age 4 and 2. Our 2 year old has ASD and we are on a very busy schedule of Therapy. I work from 7-5 pm so I’m not home much, but when I get Home, we have dinner and then play with the Kids. a Few times a week our play includes basic clean up. Our little one is intriqued with the Vaccum so we have two of them and I let him push one around while I get the real vacuming done. Our Bedroom almost never gets cleaned but we try to keep the main living area straight by having specific area for toys. We had to buy multiple storage containers and help the kids learn to clean up when done, Its not easy. We also have a cleaning lady come onece a week and do all of the deep cleaning, it cost about $60 per week.
I have two children dianosed with autism. It has been very hard but God is helping us with coping. I recently left my job to be a at home mother to be honest. Me and my husband both work very hard but to me the home was not clean enough. If you have a mother in law or a mom or sister, ask them to help you around with the house chores that way you will not feel so exjausted at the end of the day. If you have other children in the home and they are not special needs children have them assist you. I know usually kids really dont like cleaning but make it a fun activity like playing a little music or singing a song and do it together. It’s the little things that help alot
@shelly, I could not do it without my mom—she buys all of my son’s clothes—-my parents live far away but visit frequently and help us keep things us in more ways than I can describe. Charlie is learning to do more and more things around the house and to enjoy doing this.
I am so glad for you kristina. It is truly a rollercoster ride but thank God for family. Thank God for family… Iam praying for everybody on this blog. I truly believe a breakthrough will happen with autism
We’ve seen so many good things with our son — things are happening already!
Hi, I was wondering do any of you moms work from home online? I am looking for a lagite online job so I can be at home.
Thank You, Sherry Hayes
there is a site called homejobstop.com for online jobs. You might want to try Typeamom.net get paid to write articles about motherhood. Another thing Selling Avon I have researched a lot of mothers are now considering that as extra income in the home.
I stumbled upon this website today, wow I feel better knowing other people struggle as much with their house as I do.I have an a VERY hyper autistic 3 yr old who no matter what, manages to plug up the toilet daily, spill a gallon of milk,attack his 8yr old sister and spill water all over our carpet> so we never have clean towels,and are carpet looks horrible along with every room in are apartment,I’m a stay at home mom,who basically is the only person who attempts to clean anything,I have to constantly be with my son so as to stop him from hurting himself or are animals or sister, He doesn’t understand cause and effect,I’m trying not to blame him, but our whole lives are turn upside down from him, I’m starting to blame myself,for the house,for the unorganized life we live the screaming,that he does,my 8yr old also screams now and is always angry.I would like help from my husband but he just yells or huffs and puffs and expects me to take care of the kids all the time but I never get a break from my son, because no else knows how to deal with his behaviors,and I’m terrified no one will watch him well enough.Yesterday
We got a letter on our door saying we were violating are lease cause are house is not clean up to their standards which that makes me feel like a nasty person,but all I do is TRY to clean all day, but I look and u can’t even tell cause he is obsessed with me moving his things?? so he puts them right back in the same spot and position.or throws a fit untill I let him do it.I don’t have any one thats in my position, and people are shocked to see my place so I never want anyone in please ,someone talk to me.about how they cope, or learn not to blame themselves, or how to deal without feeling resentment.
Hi, I am the mother of a 4year old with ASD. I am depressed and stressed. My husband and I seperated approximately 9 mths ago. I also have an 11year old. This has been a strain. I quite my job in Sept 07 because that was too much stress on top of taking care of my daughter. There never seemed like enough time to do everything. I am being treated for my depression but not to the extent that I need since I dont have health coverage. I am now looking for work and trying to find a job that will give me the hours I need so that I am able to take my daughter to speech and the specialist has been insane! I just want to pull my hair out some days. I also sae some of the comments on taking care of the house. Even being home there never seems to be time to clean. I dont have a real sleep schedule. She just began sleeping straight thru the nights about 2 mths ago for the first time since birth. So now that she is sleeping thru the night I still dont know how to sleep at night. Its crazy but I love my girls and wouldnt trade this crazy life for nothin!
i am a single working mom with a 3 year old daughter who is suspected to have ASD and a 4 year old son who is normal. both at this point are a bit incorrigible and i am sometimes feeling stressed. i bring my daughter to two therapy sessions every week. it’s kinda difficult on my part because my daughter’s case has not been diagnosed with exact clarity. her therapists say she does not show signs of classic autism but her inability to speak, the delay in maturity, sleeping disorders and outbursts is quite questionable. i am at a loss right now on how to discipline my kids. although it’s easier with the older one because he is normal, it becomes difficult when he becomes jealous and insecure about the attention and understanding i extend to his younger sister. i try so hard to explain to him that his sister is not normal yet often times he forgets… this are the difficult times. sometimes i am tempted to send him off to his dad, thinking that would be easier, but i tell myself that this is an adjustment phase for him and me. i think though lately that this effort of mine has slowly become rewarding… when it is me who is losing my temper, it is my son who reminds me that my daughter is not well. God is good. patience i know will get me there.
the mess in the house is exhausting, whenever my daughter gets hold of the milk she ends up giving herself a bath with it. i try very hard to child proof the place but somehow as she is growing she is learning more and more how to find her way to reach for the things that she shouldn’t be holding. this is quite difficult… when you think something is fine where it is… she will prove you wrong. eventually i think i will have to put the stuff on the roof.. haha. this is still an unresolved problem. i hate pests and dirt. my kids get more baths in a day than my dishes do. i find it hard to live in mess. even when i feel tired, i tell my self… one step at a time… one toy in the box at a time… one blanket at a time. i know my son is learning from me because at his young age he picks up after his sister… that i am very proud of.
my daughters eating disorders are still a problem. she was already 2 years old when she learned how to eat solid food. i make sure though that she gets through meals. it’s a constant reminder for her to keep to her seat. she will yell, cry and even spit out the food… but somehow she does get through without wandering around. the spitting is the worse. i saw her once spit at her therapist when she was singing to her. my daughter does not like to hear people singing or clapping… all these annoy her. all this i am still working on. my daughter is really smart, she learned how to count earlier than her brother did. these were one of the few words that she first learned to say. everyday i remain positive, my daughter will improve. i pray a lot. i hope in my heart, she will be ok.
i have been lucky to find a job that where i get to work at home. although this is good for me, i dont think it works for all women who are in my situation. it can get stressful to be around an autistic child all day. eventually when the stress gets into us, we become a liability. other women who i know who have the same problem have found ways to get help from family and friends.
a lot of prayer and hard work… i think one day i might open my own day care for autistic children… who knows.
Hi, I too have that same problem,I have a 7 yr. old with classic autism and who is also deaf.I work full time with toddlers all day and my husband is an emt with crazy hrs, It’s sooo hard to keep my apt. clean,it is always a wreck i’m ashamed to have people over most of the time,they think I don’t know how to clean or i’m lazy,which is farthest from the truth.My son spills food and beverages everywhere and I try to clean up behind him but it just gets overwhelming,It dosen’t seem to bother my husband to much but it really bothers me. I try to clean on the weekend but i’m sooo tired and that time I spend with my son,I’m seriously considering hiring a cleaner to come in once a week to help.I’m so glad that there are other families going through the same thing.