WWYD – When MySpace invades Your Space

A Dating Dames reader asks the following question:

So, I meet this great guy on MySpace. Everything was going great. However, we were both on Myspace and Myspace is a relationship breaker in my opinion. For example, he took me out on a date and texted messaged me about how he couldn’t stop thinking about me. After that, he goes online and makes comments on this girls picture about how sexy she is. Isn’t that wrong? Is it just me?

He said on his page he was just there for friends, but I don’t think friends do that.

If he wants everyone to know how he feels about me, why is he posting these comments? He’s constantly flirting openly with other women on MySpace.

The last straw was when he forgot about our date which was okay he was tired from working. Then, he goes on Myspace while I am at home feeling bad and chats with some girl. He keeps telling me that I am blowing everything out of proportion, and that it is not flirting it is Myspacing. What is the difference? Does it make a difference that it is on the internet?

Anyway, we got into this huge fight last weekend. We haven’t talked since. I did text message him a couple times, but he didn’t respond. He was on Myspace Sunday night and Monday night.

I guess that is more important to him than me. I don’t know if he is ever going to contact me again or if I ever meant anything to him. I think he is a nice guy, and he makes it sound like myspace is game. Was I a game?

I don’t know what to do. I really like him and want this to work out. However, I did say some things that I regret because I was mad about the situation. What should I do now? Am I taking myspace too personally. I deleted my account.

What should I do?

Dating Dames Answers…

Gayla:

• There are several factors to consider here…

  1. How long have you known each other?
  2. How many dates have you been on?
  3. Did you two ever discuss being exclusive with one another? And when did he tell you he wanted to tell everyone about you? Or did you just assume that?
  4. How long have you BOTH been single? (NOT in a long term relationship of any kind?)

Not to be too harsh – but it sounds to me like you’ve only had one or two dates and sure, he may have said he ‘couldn’t stop thinking about you,’ but that wasn’t him saying he was thinking about ONLY you.

If it was a great first date – you should have gone with that and just enjoyed it as much as you could for as long as you could.

If you’d never discussed being exclusive, then so what if he was hanging out in a place where the two of you met in the first place and was talking to other people! You knew he had a computer, you knew he had a MySpace and you chose to go out with him. One date does not mean you should both go home and delete every internet profile you have and opt to join Wedding Planners R Us instead. It means you just had one good date and have a good second one to look forward to and so on.

There are plenty of times where I don’t feel like going out and doing something in the outside world, but I have no problem hanging out in my sweats, on my computer – reading blogs, researching – writing or whatever – doesn’t mean I’m doing anything wrong – just that I don’t feel like being away from home.

Now if he had to actually go out to the Library to be on the computer then I would consider that grounds to take it as a hit. But if he was at home, he was at home – nothing more.

The problem I’ve seen FAR too many times in the online meeting/dating world is expectations are FAR too high by the time couples get to the first date process. You’ve talked and developed an interest, but in the mind of most guys – those really don’t count and the physical date is where it begins.

I learned the hard way! Believe me! There were many times I’d feel the tinge of rejection because I’d set my expecations too high. But in the end, it would always turn out that once I got over the rejection, I could see ALL the MANY reasons the guy wasn’t right for
me.

When the time is right (AND I speak with authority on this one) you will feel secure! It won’t be forced, it’s just there. My husband of three years could leave in the morning and be gone all day without one single phone call and I’d NEVER dream of entertaining the thought that he is cheating in any way shape or form. And to me, when a couple is
in a committed relationship, intimate talks online with strangers IS cheating.

I hate to be brutal in my response, but it sounds to me like you have emotional issues that need to be dealt with before you get involved in a relationship. Consider reading the books Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives and Ten Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships.

You’ll gain a LOT from those – I sure did!

Be committed to yourself first! NO ONE ever wants to play Florence Nitengale to someone’s emotions 24/7 even if they are people pleasers. It gets old, quick. Once you’ve lightened the emotional baggage, you’ll be in a much happier, secure and accepting place to open your heart and mind to trust naturally.

If it’s forced, it doesn’t count! Keep it real!

Sasha:

About this MySpace issue, uh, well —

I am not against the idea of meeting potential dates on MySpace or any social network sites. In fact, I have gone and met a few guys from a similar site and they’ve become good people I can hang out with. Then again, my expectation from these meet ups were hardly ever heading towards a romance.

Which brings me to think that something like this could’ve been avoided had she tried to look at the situation objectively before jumping in.

If she was only hoping to hook up with a guy then perhaps this thing is a great way to go about it. But if she was looking for a guy who wants a relationship, they could’ve waited a bit before going straight to the usual stresses that an “exclusive” dating set up brings.

However, on first impression, these conditions weren’t present. The way I understood it, they weren’t exclusively dating yet. But if it was expressed and agreed upon by these two people, then I guess the guy is simply dodgy.

Online courtesy is the same as the courtesy you offer offline. This is not just limited to MySpace so I reckon we really can’t label it “Myspacing” because the question that the guy has to answer is not “Why are you inclined to myspace when you’re already seeing me?” but “What is it that you get out of myspacing?” — regardless of the excuses that he may have put forth, it still can be called flirting.

I can understand how the girl must be feeling but all I can say is just forget the guy. Because someone who can actually do something like this at the start of a relationship is undoubtedly a bad catch.

She may think that she handled the situation badly by reacting the way she did [though, in my opinion, she did in a way] and is now regretting it, but it really wouldn’t change what happened, now, would it? She perhaps is blaming herself for ruining the chances of this relationship working out — true or not — all I can say is drop it and move on. If she’s going to do the chasing, she’ll be doing it for the entire duration of the relationship. Does she really want to do that?

Deleting the account is a little childish, she could’ve just blocked the guy or something. It signifies she lost this battle. It would’ve been better if she kept the account and acted as if the guy didn’t ruffle her feathers.

MySpace is about creating relationships online. If you’re one of the people who are not in it to mess up other people’s lives by using it just to pick up men or women by any means possible or using anonymity to their advantage, then taking it seriously is a given. I suggest that with these kind of sites, being wary helps.

And about her hope to work things out with the guy, she has to know for certain that the guy wants the same thing. She has got to get a clue, though. You initiated contact and garnered no response. It can only mean that he simply doesn’t want to respond.

In my opinion, she’s better off. So, she should just chalk it up to experience and get on with her life.