You Can’t Tell Anyone Everything
June 27, 2009 by Michelle Smith
Filed under Relationships
Sarah came home a few minutes ago. She was crying and I followed her into her room to figure out what was up. She wouldn’t say anything at first, but finally it came out that she’s very upset because the friend that she has been hanging around with told her to “shut up.”
I don’t like hearing, “shut up,” either. It’s rude and abrupt. There’s got to be a better way to halt the flow of words, but so far I’ve found that “enough” and “shut it” aren’t very good alternatives.
Sarah was angry and wanted a chance to “vent” to someone. That’s when she heard the “shut up.” I’m pretty sure I was the subject of the vent, as I’d just kicked the girls outside and told Sarah to get some exercise. I thought it was very grown up of her to use the word, “vent.” She wants a friend that she “can talk to about anything.” I tried to explain to her that there’s no such friend in existence.
I have a few close friends, a boyfriend, a sister, and a mom that I talk to about things. They are all wonderful listeners, but I cannot talk to any of them about everything. It’s not a matter of trust – I trust them. It’s more a matter of boundaries and respecting their time and attention. The truth is that nobody wants to hear all your stuff. They’ve got their own stuff and we are all just trying to get by.
I told Sarah that what she needs is a journal. She can write anything and everything in the journal and Bay and I will respect her privacy – we will not read the journal. She can unload, vent, talk about everything until she’s feeling calm again. Everyone needs a safe place to let off some steam.
*Update* I found her a journal. It has a pretty cover and a band that keeps it closed. She asked if she’s allowed to write anything in there, “even bad words?” I assured her that it is her book and nobody else will read it.
Image credit: Michelle Smith
Awww. You’re such a good mommy.
I must be lucky. I do have a friend that I can tell anything to. She’s always there and wants to hear how I’m doing. I think the key is that after I’m done “venting”, as it may be termed, I ask her what’s going on with her and if there is anything she has to release. So I return the favor of lending an ear and a shoulder.
You’re right in a way, there are some things I use my better judgement and don’t tell her. However, I know that if I did want to tell her, I could trust her. The thing that is different about being able to tell her vs a diary is that I get feedback from her. Which is most times what I need to feel better.
Everyone is different and everyone parents different. For example, I have a 16yr old daughter and I can tell my daughter that I am there for her and she can tell me anything. Whether she chooses to is up to her and her trust in me. I do think the diary is an excellent idea. It is a release.
It kind of made me chuckle though because I think that it’s great that you will respect her privacy and not read it. I just laugh a little because I know that there MAY BE a time, when the temptation will be there.
My sister had a diary she kept and as far as I know my mom never read it. However, when my sister passed away (she was only 20yrs old) my mom wanted to read it. I debated with her that it wouldn’t be right. That she wouldn’t want her privacy invaded. My mom justified it with the fact that she needed to know and wanted to know everything about her. I let my mom do what she felt she had to do. Closure and accepting loss is hard and everyone deals with it in their own way.
And yes, “shut up” is very hard and rude. Lol. My mom always told us to say, “be quiet” as an alternative. Somehow, she was right. It didn’t sound so rude and it still got the point across. haha..
Well, I wish both you and Sarah the best and maybe one day she will find someone that she can at least “feel” like she can tell anything to.
You ARE the best mom… and dammit, you made me cry!
Thanks for commenting ladies. I do my best and sometimes I get it right. ;D
Sarah’s friends have their own family challenges – one has an alcoholic father, the other has a father who is firefighter, so he’s gone all Summer, and then there’s Sarah with no father at all. They are each feeling that they’ve got the worst case scenerio. I’m trying to teach Sarah to listen, let people talk, and not judge. She’s only 11, but she’s learning.
I have a 16 year old and I don’t read her stuff either. Yes, I’m curious, because my older daughter holds it close and doesn’t share as much, but growing up my mom had a journal and I knew how important it was to her and to never read it. My sister and I read a little of it once, in high school, and it was horrifying to realize that we had violated Mom’s trust, that we knew the extent of her pain. We never did it again.
I commend you for learning from your experience. It’s a shame that not more people are like that. There are a lot of people that hurt others, apologize, then end up hurting them in the same manner as before.
They said curiousity killed the cat. I don’t know if it will ever kill me, but I know that my curiousity has gotten me in to trouble a time or two. So I smile knowing that you don’t give in to that curiousity.
You’re right everyone has their own problems and that’s why it’s so great when people can be there for one another. I’m lucky to have friends that are there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on and a friend to hug. They know that in return I am there for them when they need me too. In that way, I am very blessed
journaling is a perfect way to vent it ALL. i used a journal to get through some difficult times and as my life calmed down my need to write eased. excellent tool to keep your sanity and to later look back on with better understanding.
btw, my husband actually read it and although i was annoyed with him, it did give him some insight and in-turn helped our marriage. who woulda thought?