I feel very terrible for both of you, and also because I have done similar things to my wife.

First off, if your husband expects to have sex more than 2-3 times a week then his expectations are way too high. My guess is that he thinks sex is something he should be entitled to every time he feels a physical urge. However, most men (myself included) think about sex every single day. Does that mean that we are entitled to have it every single day? No.

Having said that, I expect that your problem does not actually stem from the frequency of sex, but more from your husband desperately seeking to feel loved and thinking that frequent sex is the way to acheive what he wants. Having kids presents men with a unique problem in that we are fully engaged in the process of conceiving a child, but then have to watch from the sidelines for much of the next two years. Mom carries and delivers the baby. After birth mom will be the primary source of food and comfort for the baby and thus the two of them (mom and child) develop a strong bond. This can be difficult for dads because they feel that they have been displaced. I know that I was insanely jealous of our kids when I watched my wife kissing and cuddling them and thought “Geez, its been ages since she showered that kind of attention on me.”

Back to the subject of sex. My guess is that your husband is feeling like his special place in your life has been usurped and he is trying to use sex to force his way back in. Sex is the ultimate act of intimacy. If a woman is willing to have sex with you then she must really love you, at least thats how the theory goes. However, if she is only having sex with you because she is tired of fighting about it then it dosen’t feel like love. As SCH put it, having sex with a cold hard slab of meat is not going to feel like a loving act. So he gets the sex he wants, but not the loving feeling that he expected to go with it, and thus he feels cheated and gets angry at you for failing to provide what he actually needed (love and acceptance).

At this point some would say “But if she made more of an effort to be interested and try to get into sex then he would have felt the love and acceptance that he wanted and all would have been good.” However, thats easier said than done. A woman who is exhausted, and not feeling naturally inclined towards sex can’t just make herself get aroused. If your relationship has become buried under layers of negativity and fighting then it becomes extra hard. At best she can fake it, and possibly make him even more upset when he figures it out.

I have been in this situation with my wife (except that I was not getting sex 2-3 times a week) and I know that it can be a difficult situation to climb back out of. There are some things you can do to help, but most of the solution needs to come from your husband.

You can:
- Try showing that you love and accept him in other ways. Little shows of affection can do a lot to heal wounds, although he might not agree. If he has it in his head that its sex or nothing then he might think the hugs and kisses are a tease. You have to be patient with this one.
- Try to be compassionate and keep in mind that although he is being a jerk, and treating you badly, he is also suffering in his own way. Remember that you love him and that the goal is to get back to a harmonious relationship.
- Sympathy sex is not entirely bad, however, you should only agree to do it when you can actually do it properly. If you are half asleep then its probably not going to go well and may do more harm than good. My advice would be to find times that are good for you (you feel awake and feel that you could actually enjoy it) then approach him.

He needs to:
- Stop obsessing about sex. Your husband needs to understand that there is a whole spectrum of ways to show love and appreciation for your spouse and sex is only one of them. He needs to start seeking out hugs when he needs them or cuddling with you as you fall asleep instead of trying to convince you to have sex all the time.
- Accept that sex will only be good when both people are capable of getting in the mood and enjoying it. If its not going to be fun for your wife THEN DON’T DO IT. Don’t ask her for sex when she is exhausted, or has a ripping headache, or has had a really bad day. He has to ask himself if he could enjoy sex under the same conditions. If he says yes then he is lying. The single most important thing that I have learned after 5 years of struggling with the whole sex issue is that it is WAY WAY WAY more enjoyable and more emotionally satisfying when my wife is able to get in the mood and enjoy it along with me. That means I have to wait for the right conditions before I even approach her for sex.
- Learn to masturbate. Seriously, I am not kidding on this one. Many men have the opinion that once you get married you should never have to masturbate. Its her duty to service you when you require it. Honestly, forcing your wife to have sex with you when she dosen’t want to is just masturabation by other means. You will get off, but she will not and you will damage your relationship in the process. If you really need a physical release and your wife is not up for sex then suck it up and take care of yourself.

My final piece of advice is that sex is a very important part of any loving relationship, but it requires balance in order to work. Your husband is demanding way too much and he would probably find that if he waited for the right times (when you were awake and feeling good and could actually enjoy having sex) then the sex would be much better and more emotionally satisfying.

My wife was offering way too little (sex once every 2-3 months) because she had it in her head that she could only enjoy it under perfect conditions, which never seemed to happen. Many women fall into this and it is essentially the opposite form of torture from what your husband is doing to you.

The trick is to find that happy middle ground.

Can anyone please give me any advise of what to do or what to say to my husband at this point to make him understand both sides. Fighting with him is one of the worst feelings in the world, as he is my everything. I want to find the balance to rest myself but still let him know that I love him and am just as attracted to him as the day we met.