Going It Alone: Single with Infant

One of the most popular posts on this blog is called Need Advice: Single Mothers. I wrote the post because having a child, especially the second, third, four or more child, is a very stressful time in any relationship. Some relationships just don’t make it and, for a woman alone with a tiny baby, that can be a very scary prospect.

Gloria Gamat, who writes Cancer Commentary, has been a single mother to her son since the very beginning of his life. I asked her about some of the issues she has faced and found out that single motherhood is tough, but manageable.

Kate: Basically, everyone knows that having a child is a stressful time in a relationship and, I think what everyone wants to know is, what happens if you don’t make it.

Gloria: First of all, yes. I agree that having a child is a stressful time in a relationship, especially if the couple don’t make it as probably, the mother will end up raising the child alone. Though there are stories of the father raising the child alone (without the child’s mother dying) but generally mothers take care of the child, whether the mothers like it or not.

Kate: I saw a comment on Solo Mother that said, “Couples should swear that they won’t even think of breaking up until their children are at least two. You’d think the marriage vows would cover that, but not these days.”

I read that comment and felt single mothers were being judged for not tolerating lovelessness, addiction, poor treatment or abuse. I can’t see any reason to go back to the bad old days when there was no way to end a terrible marriage…except by abandonment or poison. Do you ever feel judged by your single status? How do you deal with it?

Gloria: All the time. First of all people wonder – even parents – what must be awfully wrong with you for not being able to keep a man standing beside you and weather the marriage and parenting. In my case, there must really be something wrong with me because my boyfriend sort of disappeared when told him I was pregnant with his child.

Mind over matter. I was always and still am thinking of my child’s future. I’d rather do all I can to raise this child properly in the way I know how instead of spending my energy (not to mention emotion) in running after a man who wouldn’t even want to share half the responsibily. If you could call that a man. Difficult to accomplish but i got the hang of not not minding what other people think about me being a single mom. The important thing is that my son is growing up nicely because of me and those people who love us. I need not convince other people who are not OK with my situation.

Kate: How do you start over with nothing when you have a helpless child to care for too? When Solomother mentioned going to a temp agency to start working immediately, a penny dropped for me. I never would have thought of that way of bringing money into the house immediately. What were your methods?

Gloria: Luckily for me I had a regular nice paying job when I turned into a solo mother. Still, paying for the child’s expenses and your expenses is awful when you are working alone. I had to pay the rent, for house help, etc. I had never had a negative account balance in my life before. I’ve recovered my finances now though. I am now practically starting on a clean slate. A zero balance is lots better than negative balance. I woudn’t have been able to do that without the help and support of friends who never hesitated to give an extra hand or dime.

Before getting to this point I had to make drastic decisions – like quitting my job so I could relocate to my parents’ house and work nearby. MY life is a lot better now: fewer expenses and more family members helping to look after my son while I work. I would be a charity case if I didn’t run back home. My son was already 3 yrs and 4 months when we went home. Imagine what i had to deal with before that.

Kate: I work hard, but I fear drudgery. I cannot imagine a life with only work and not even ten minutes respite at the end of the day. Is that what your life is like? Is there hope for both single parenthood and a decent life?

Gloria: Yes, there is, if you have a very supportive family.

When it was just my son and me (before we moved in with my mother) and I didn’t even have time to do things for myself like the simple pleasure of going to the grocery on weekends in peace or spending a little outside the house just to get a decent pedicure. During that time I felt like I was always running against time. Mostly, especially when my son was barely two…ah terrible. I don’t want to go back to that time when I was too tired to sleep or even eat dinner while doing the laundry at midnight.