Has Sex Really Left the City?
November 22, 2007 by kate baggott
Filed under Mental Health
Slowly, his fingers approached her heaving chest, tracing the outline of her bra. Her flesh, covered in goosebumps, awaited his touch, anticipated it with each of her heightened senses. Her nipples tightened and struggled free of their lace and silk cup as he unclasped the hook from the eye.
Then, it happened. Of it’s own accord, a stream of breast milk hit him in the eye. The mood died.
Well, obviously an erotic romance novel for new mothers would be very difficult to write. What, with a time-starved, energy starved, and self-esteem starved reality intruding into even the most exciting fantasies. I couldn’t write it. The more married, the more pregnant and the more mumsy I have become, the less I have been able to relate to romance novels, to romantic comedies, or even to Sex and City, all of which I have loved and identified with at other times of my life.
There is no question that parenthood changes the role of sexuality in our relationships, in our perceptions of ourselves and in how we see our partners. It’s not just a complicated relationship issue. It’s a topic full of every emotion human beings experience. The topic goes way beyond observing, or not observing the 6 weeks postpartum when a woman should not have penetrative sex. It goes into the lack of desire some women, and their partners, fear they will never recover from.
Even though the post is more than 11 months old, the post Lost Libido? Normal Sex After Childbirth continues to draw comments and discussion from both men and women.
The comments, separately and together, aren’t easy to read. Throughout, there’s even a kind of animosity against me for daring to broach the topic. I’ve been accused of not giving fathers a fair hearing in the discussion. I’ve been accused on emasculation for wanting men to learn that a vasectomy is not the big deal that they might think it is and is a preferable alternative to playing reproductive roulette or endangering a mother’s life with tubal surgery.
I will admit, however, that a lot my sympathy for sex-starved new fathers went out the window when I learned these statistics about parenthood and sleep:
New mothers report getting an average of 3.5 hours of sleep each night. New fathers report getting an average of 7 hours.
While that statistic might explain why a lot of mothers lose interest in sex, at least temporarily, it doesn’t make the discussion any less complicated. Or any less heart-breaking. Consider this quote from the discussion:
- My wife went from wanting sex all the time to I can’t remember when the last time she came on to me was. We are a younger couple, 23 and 21. I can’t see my sex life being over at age 23. I read some of the other comments and I don’t think self esteem is a problem. She has a great body. Men comment on it all the time and hit on her. She just says she doesn’t have the drive or desire like she used too. I do. Does it get better or is that part of our life just over?
Is it over? A 23 year-old man is asking if his sex life is over? Isn’t that sad?
What do I think this says? Well, giving birth and breastfeeding do mess with a woman’s hormones. Giving all of your time and energy to the care of a helpless baby also drains energy that could be invested in stoking the fires of desire. Even if her husband thinks she has a great body, she is likely to see what is “different” about it, not what is attractive.
I suspect that if there is a solution to this dilemma, we won’t find it in popular culture. Sexual desire, sexual politics, firey flirtation and displays of desire are always being played out in front of our eyes. But, those are played out by the young, the single and the physically flawless. What we don’t see are relationships turning in, one person toward another. We don’t see desire developing into devotion. We don’t see intimacy growing into trust, mutual support and constant communication. We don’t see attraction turning to adoration. And yet, are any of those qualities less wonderful than the display of how we understand modern sexuality.
I have an instinct that parenthood presents a remarkable opportunity for a romantic relationship, for a true a partnership, to grow and deepen. Instead, too often, couples withdraw from each other as resources like time, energy and attention grow scarcer as they are shared out among members of a larger family.
Even as my own libido has returned, I’ve found that sex doesn’t fulfill the need to connect with my husband as the only other adult in this family. Could it be that is the lust parents should concentrate on fulfilling rather than worrying about their carnal desires, or lack thereof? What has been your experience?
Why open this discussion now?
I wanted to write about something so important that you will be moved to click here and vote for me (my name, in case you don’t know, is Kate). It’s time for the second challenge in Project Blog. This blogging contest mirrors the new season of Project Runway and Reality on Bravo sets a challenge for us based on what the contestants of the show have to do. This post was inspired by this week’s challenge from Allison:
On Project Runway, contestants were asked to create an outfit with a partner for fashion icon Sarah Jessica Parker’s newest line, Bitten. This week, blogtestants, you have to write with a partner too – yourself.
That’s right, I want to see your leadership skills, but to make it fair, YOU are the one you’ll be leading.
Pick a post from the past – any post will do – and use that as your inspiration for a new post. You can give us an update on a past news story, revisit a topic, or give further opinion on a factual post. Or hey, do something else – it’s all up to you! Just remember, the goal is to use your past post as inspiration, and you MUST include a link to the past story in your new post. (It can be a post from yesterday or a post from a year ago…timing is not important, any post you choose is fine!)
I am competing for:
- An autographed picture of Jackie Warner, courtesy of Sky Sport and Spa (Jackie Warner’s gym from Work Out)
- A pair of shoes from the newest line from Jonathan Kayne (one of my favorite Project Runway Alums)
- A Soffe college hoodie, courtesy ofBCS Frenzy
- Gold-plated earrings from Aurora at Between the Sheets
- A pet portrait, courtesy of Intricate Art
- A set of bud vases from Top Design’s Jonathan Adler
Plus, if you vote in the poll and then leave a comment on the voting post, you could win an e-cookbook from Food History.
Here is the full list of competitors for this week:
1. Randi, Brad Pitt Watch: “A Blast from the Past for Project Blog”
2. Kate, Babylune: “Has Sex Really Left the City?”
3. Winnie, Watching The View: “Project Blog: Three Ways Rosie O’Donnell Changed The View”
4. Sally, Style Fix: “Because I Slacked on My Promise: A Total ANTM Recall”
5. Kara, Colorado Review: “Weather Update: We’ve Got Clouds
6. Jodie, Gossip on Sports: “Project Blog Week Two Challenge”
7. Cynthia, TV of the Absurd: “Supernatural Origins: Take Two”
8. Mark, Get Incensed, “We’re Still Not Friends”
I have been married for 27 3/4 years. Happily. We have 8 kids. Each of those kids nursed and average of 3 years, give or take. There are times that I was both pregnant and nursing. Our sex life is as rich now as it ever was because our relationship, which it is an important part of, has always been the priority and will continue to be so. The best books I have read are by shaunti feldman (?) and are called for women only, and for men only. wow..this is a soapbox for me..I will maybe take it to one of my personal blogs later this week.
I’d have to say that, even though I never breast fed, our sex life dwindled for awhile. There are just so many other things to concentrate on – the baby – getting your figure back – finding time to take a SHOWER LOL.
I do believe, though, that it’s a good thing to make love – even if you have to schedule it! It keeps you from feeling like you’re JUST mom and dad.
Randi- I hear you.
Marye- Let me know if you pick up this topic on your own blog.
I think I agree. My energy is spent on other endeavors right now. I”m too tired to feel hot.
I agree about the culture too. I find it difficult not to think in terms of sexiness when I try to arouse myself. But, my married normal companionship parenthood thing doesn’t feel like sex looks on TV.
Wow, I really cannot believe some of those comments left on your earlier post! Obviously this an important issue affecting a lot of couples.
Love the intro. It’s so true that my taste for romantic fare has changed with motherhood. My “baby” is 16 now and I’m still well entrenched in mommy mode.
Kate:
here is the link…It is long and rambling, I am sorry..It is a subject I could write pages and pages on..
http://7babesablogging.com/2007/11/24/sex-romance-lies-and-libido/
hehe! Probably a reason there’s no TV show called Post-Partum in the City.
“What we don’t see are relationships turning in, one person toward another. We don’t see desire developing into devotion. We don’t see intimacy growing into trust, mutual support and constant communication. We don’t see attraction turning to adoration…”
Psst. Don’t tell anyone…this is what guys are looking for, too.
(Damn. I should’ve posted anonymously. Don’t tell anyone…)
Thanks for contributing this post to this week’s Carnival of Family Life which I am hosting!! It is a valuable addition to the Carnival.
I wish I had something intelligent and/or witty to say, but as it were, we have kitties instead of kiddies. Thanks for the enlightening post, though!
No worries Jodie. I am so non-sports that when I saw Wayne Gretzky ahead of me in line in a cafe in Toronto, I thought he was someone I went to high school with, but that’s Canadian life for you.
Good luck! I voted. Hope it was in time.