How to Help

One piece of information and advice keeps coming up during every post partum issue I read about: New mothers need the help and support of family and friends.

Support helps to prevent over-exhaustion, isolation, and post partum depression. It also helps to have an experienced and objective eye in the house. I would never have noticed that either of my perfectly beautiful little babies were yellow with jaundice. Luckily someone was there to tell me.
I was hugely lucky when my daughter was born. My mother came from Canada to help me for four weeks. It cost her an extended leave from her job, lost income, an expensive flight to Europe and Christmas away from her other children and grandchild. Still, she was here for all of us when we most needed her and I don’t know what we would have done without her.

I have friends who haven’t been so lucky and yet, they needn’t have coped completely alone. There were plenty of well-meaning people around. The problem is that “help” is often more trouble than doing everything yourself.

It doesn’t have to turn out that way. Would-be helpful people just need to change their vocabulary a little. The phrase, “let me know if there’s anything I can do” has got to go. When you say it to a mother who needs help, she has to complete a million mental tasks. She has to guess what you’d be comfortable doing, how much experience you have with babies or other children, and if you really meant what you said or if it was just a platitude. Even then, she might be too polite to ask anyone for anything.
Instead, a new mother needs to hear a concrete offer or to see a guesture of help she doesn’t need to ask for. Here are some phrases I recommend in place of “Is there anything I can do to help?”

• “Where do you keep the diapers? I’ll change the little one.”
• “Let me help you fold that laundry while we chat. Is there more I can bring up from the basement?”
• “Big brother (or sister) and I are going to the park. We’ll be back in two hours.”
• “I’ll watch the baby, why don’t you go take a nap? I’ll wake you when s/he needs to nurse.”
• “I thought I’d just pop in to bring you this hot meal.” (My mother recommends poached salmon with potatoes and broccoli for new mothers, by the way. The Omega 3s are so important).

Notice the range of ways to help? If you’re comfortable with tiny babies, there’s something for you. More comfortable with older children? Great. No idea what kids are all about, but good in the kitchen? Use your talents wisely.
There are a few caveats of course. It’s true that most first time mothers prefer to take care of the baby themselves. The learning curve and transformation into parenthood is intense. First time mothers are on a path to discovery about babies and motherhood and probably don’t want to be interrupted while they take care of their babies.

That said, friends and family can help out in other ways that help new parents and keep their household functioning. With second, third or more-time mothers, help with babycare is often needed so that mothers can spend time with their older children or just sleep (often, when a new baby comes into the house, older children start to wake at night too).

Why bother to help when a new mother must learn to cope eventually? A little assistance at the right time can mean the difference between a mother who still has the energy to be a friend, a daughter, a wife or a sister and a woman who feels completely abandoned by those she was closest to. Which is better for mother, child and society as a whole?

Now, I need to figure out how to get the information out of the hands of new moms and into the hands of their friends and family. Incidentally,how do you wish your friends and family would offer to help you?