Here’s an analogy that explains how I feel: imagine that after marriage society approves eating food only with your spouse. It would be terrible to eat in a restaurant, for example. Food is to be shared in private and with your spouse. You could sneak a protein pill in secret sometimes. OK, once you accept that strange premise, here’s the situation. You and your spouse liked to eat 2-3 meals a day early in your relationship. But after a while, your spouse’s appetite decreased to the point of only wanting 2-3 meals a week–enough to physically survive without starving, but so infrequently that you feel hungry 80-90% of the time. Food was not the only important thing in your marriage before, but now it becomes your constant obsession. You would think about your hunger much of the time. You might be very patient and never complain to your spouse. Or you might nag. Or you might think about seeing someone else with whom to eat together. Or you might suggest a marriage counselor or doctor or books on the problem. Or you might divorce. Or you might try concentrating on work or kids or activities to distract you from hunger. That’s pretty much how I feel and the solutions I’ve considered.

I hope that more research will be done on this problem and possible solutions. Our kids are great, but I would, sadly, advise every single person not to have kids or get married: just have a boyfriend or girlfriend so that you can leave when he/she changes drastically from when you met. This pain has been too much.

But, given that we are now already married and have kids, what can we now do as husbands or wives? My wife, for example, refuses to read a book or see a marriage counselor. She said that she knows how she feels in her heart, and nobody could help or change her. Her solution was to force herself to have sex once a week or two. She asked me not to try to stimulate or romance her. I appreciate her sacrifice, but it feels unsustainable, disturbing, and unsatisfying to me. I love her and want us both to be happy like we used to be.

If you lost your sex drive after kids, has it returned yet or not (and how old is your youngest child)? Was there anything you noticed that caused the return? Is there anything you or your husband could have done to hasten the return?

Best wishes

Maybe, though, you can start over. Maybe, you can start dating again. Lead up to seduction, slowly and discover something new. You could even play “search for the new errogenous zone”! Once, you have time, I mean.