Lost Libido? Normal Sex After Childbirth
January 4, 2007 by kate baggott
Filed under Mental Health
Sex. I hate talking about it, but “new mother + sex” is a rather popular search term on the Internet. This is an era when a feminist should be able to talk about anything. I imagine many searchers are new mothers who are wondering when desire will return, when they will be able to relax and not think about what had to be stitched back together. Other searchers are probably men, like my husband, who will find the one or two references that contradict the conventional wisdom of waiting 6 to 8 weeks after the birth.
These men really need to start getting up in the night with their babies. Then, they will be too tired to even think about sex either. They also might find that their wives and children like them more, that they are truly engaged in family life.
On the other hand, after our first was born, my husband said that the new baby made him feel so emotional, so full of love, that romance seemed like a natural extension to what he was feeling. With our second child, he just hid out at work until most of the hard work was done each day.
It is normal not to feel like doing it after you’ve had a baby. Getting up at night, breastfeeding, fear of getting pregnant again too soon and feeling used all contribute to a seriously deflated libido. And, really, wanting to get your groove back is admirable, as long as you’re doing it for yourself. I am not sure that any relationship benefits from “OK, I’ll do it for you” sex.
Or does it?
So much about giving birth and becoming a mother does pitch us into something primal, something traditonal, something role-ish that can make sex feel like a duty. Many relgious women from a variety of faiths have been taught that sex is just another duty to be performed. And, long term breastfeeding is returning from medical exile, from a time when doctors advised women to put their babies on bottles of forumla 6 to 8 weeks after birth so that she would again be sexually available to her husband, who in return, wouldn’t abandon the family, leaving them dependent on the state.
While I think a sexless period after the birth of a child is normal, many women still feel guilty that they just don’t feel like it. Still others feel pity for their poor, sexually-deprived partners. Both those emotions certainly don’t appeal to my libido.
What do you think is normal? What would you tell a close friend who asked? If you don’t want to leave a comment, check out the poll on the side bar.
I just want to chime in with an update that may be very useful to some couples out there.
As I stated in my last post, my wife has decided to go off the pill and try an IUD instead. She has been off the pill for two months now and so far it looks like it was a good idea. At this point its way too early to say how the change has affected her libido, but she is no longer having headaches and says that she generally feels happier. Its like the pill had put her into a semi-permanent state of mild depression. She didn’t really feel sad, but she was generally lacking in motivation for all things.
Since then she has done some reading and found that there are lots of other women who had the same thing happen. When they tried to go back on the pill after having kids it had all kinds of affects that they did not get the first time around (pre-kids). Headaches, depression and loss of libido are apparently common for women who go back on the pill after being away from it for a long time.
Obviously there are lots of other things that can cause loss of libido, but if you are in a situation where by all rights you should want sex but don’t, maybe the pill is part of the problem.
well.. i have had and iud since april of 08. and i still have no libido.. i do the duty sex just keep my marriage happy but i dont always enjoy it. i dont know why but i just dont want it i dont need it.. i just do it.. it has abecome a chore on my list.. any thoughts on that?
Dear Tiffany
you and ma wife behave the same….. even i am also finding the solution to overcome of the situation…. is there any body who tell us about the same… my wife never wants to do love making.
Birth control destroys a libido – google the acronym SHBG and you will see why.
However having kids drains a womans drive. She has a hard time feeling like a sexual woman when she is supposed to feel like MOMMY. Becuase Mommy and kids do not create sexual feelings. a womans drive is mostly mental – a mans is physical.
The woman needs to (if she wants a healthy marriage after kids) research a little bit about how to enjoy sex again. Just having sympathy sex is a band-aid at best. If you’re not enjoying it, trust me, your husband finishes feeling good for 10 minutes only then is more anxious sexually then not having it at all. You need to be orgasmic again. Check out the book Great SEx for Moms by Dr. Valerie Davis Raskin.
and good luck – this time is what makes or breaks relatoinshps – the 30’s. Divorce usually happens all to often because guys get no or bad sex, women get annoyed by his whining, then he doesn’t want to be a good dad, you think he’s selfish, one thing leads to another and finally cheating infidelity, divorce, all because the woman quit enjoying sex. You wonder is that all guys think of? Only if they’re not getting it in a fulfilling way. ITs like food.
You don’t think of it all the time unless you’re starving. Then that’s all you think about. And if you get a piece of bread sure its something, but its not a fulfilling meal that you really need. Do it out of love, and Husbands be patient and understanding and extra loving. Married and Happy by Calle Zorro saved my marriage. 34 with 2 little kids and almost left my wife to find a new sexual woman.
Thank you, I have ordered the book online and hopefully me and my wife will find happiness again.
I decided to buy the EBook that you suggested. I have seen ads for that book before but I was always afraid that it was scam. Its nice to see that someone has actually read it. $37 is pretty steep for an EBook.
I read the description on the web page and it was like reading my own life story. I have worked very hard over the past 3 years to try and be the perfect husband for my wife, and still she shows little or no interest in sex. Fatigue is a large part of it, but I have always suspected that to a degree she also feels no great physical attraction for me. We are best friends, we are great parenting partners, we see eye to eye on just about every important subject, I am in great physical shape and I earn way above the national average salary. However, despite all of these so-called “desirable” traits my wife does not seek out sex with me and does not appear enthusiastic when I bring it up. Even on days that she has slept well and is in a good mood I still feel like I have to do all the work to get sex going.
I have suspected for some time that I have allowed myself to become too much of a compliant, domesticated husband. I make it too easy for her to take me for granted. I have been thinking for some time about how to go about changing that without having to be negative about it. I don’t want to argue with her or manipulate her emotionally. I don’t want to anything that would undermine the other parts of our relationship that are working very well. I just want her to start being sexually attracted to me again. Hopefully this book will help me figure it out. I’ll let you know how it goes. I will also let you know if it turns out to be a complete waste of $37.
I feel the same way, I just had my first child, Im 32, my husband is thinking Im depressed or maybe there is someone else, sometimes I do it just to shut him up! I love him but even dont I have tried to explain him how I feel I dont think he is listening at all!! I feel like im ruining my marrige. Joanna
the PIll causes loss of sex drive. Google SHBG and women you will see you lost one of gods greatest gifts. Physical orgasmic bliss. And your husband as well as you are both suffering getting annoyed with each other. He’s desparate, your irritated by his desparation. one of you will eventually crack and cheat or leave.
figure it out, a guy won’t stay in a relationship with bad sex or no sex just like a woman doesn’t want to be with a guy who never talks or listens to her.
Louie, your needs are just that, needs, not wants. People who don’t have good sex lives die younger, are less happy and less healthy – she is damaging you.
Tell her you’re going to have to find someone else to have sex with. But mean it when you say it, don’t do it just to manipulate her, and start looking.
that does not work sorry, when my husband tells me that i just tell him go ahead cuz i know hes not going to do that is the stupidest thing i have ever heard lol!
You say that now, but what exactly are you planning to do if he actually goes through with it?
A old cowboy once said….
“A woman who keeps her husband in the dog house for to long…will eventually find him in the cat house”
And just what exactly do you plan on doing if he follows through with it? call him a cheating bastard when you basically gave him the go ahead?
an old cowboy once said…
“A woman who keeps her husband in the doghouse for to long, will eventually find him in the cathouse”
Ian, have you lost your mind??
How is that communicating with your partner when you are making threats.
Your wife needs to understand how you feel as well as you understand what is going on with her. Once that is done then you both find a middle ground that makes the both of you happy.
I’ve recently had a baby. Waking up in the middle of the night, taking of daily chores, dinner, homework with older children, playing taxi driver to teenagers’ sports, etc etc, and I’m still expected to have energy??
Now I had my husband take over one weekend so that I could finally SLEEP!!!! Boy did that ever help! It did really it did. However, guess who had crashed early that weekend and was in no mood to perform?? Hmmmmmm…….and he couldn’t even keep the house clean like I do throughout the week either. The mess I had to pick up on Monday morning when everyone left was well worth it. He finally understood what I go through all week long.
Communicate with your partner.
Lose that link and you’ll see your relationship falter.
I found this blog after searching for an article I read about sex after fatherhood. The article was talking about things I long to have/feel. I wanted to got back to it and blog because I don’t think I will ever have/feel that again. I will be married for 5 years now in September. My daugther will be 3 in July. Since finding out she was pregnant, we’ve had sex 3 times (once during pregnancy and 2 times after). It’s been 9 months since the last time. I feel guilty for beeing upset, but at the same time, I think it’s BS. We were doing great. I feel used. I feel she got what she wanted, but now she’s done with me physically. I’m not the “dead beat” dad that you hear about above and in other places. I don’t bury myself in work to avoid helping with kids (we have 2 because we adopted one). The kids love me and rarely act out to get my attention because I avoid them. At this point, I’d even settle for the very first blog about a cuddle while masterbating, but that won’t happen. I tried masterbating in front of her years ago to show my frustration and all she can say is “You’re gross”. I masterbate almost every day, not trying to hide it but I can’t do it in front of her. All I can do is hope she might eventually care. Every time I make a mistake, feel lazy, say something insensitive, etc, all I get is “That’s why I never have sex with you”. I’d love to try counciling, talking about it, what ever, but she never wants to talk about it.
Paul, have you tried making plans with your wife that don’t involve the kids??
Call up a family member or friends that would be willing the take the children for a few hours. Overnight would be preferable.
-Bring back that feeling of courtship.
-Bring her out to where you first met her, or your very first date where you both felt you were the only ones there and nothing else in the world mattered.
-Keep the evening positive and light. Don’t mention that YOU NEED SEX.
-End the evening with a bubble bath, a massage, and whisper in her ear telling her how beautiful she is.
Now I don’t what is going on through her head either at this point. Try this, and you know what else? Don’t ever stop. Flirt with her when you are at work. Send her a text message on her cell, or IM, or email. Call her up and tell her you just wanted to hear her “sexy” voice. Take the lead for now and hopefully, she’ll come around and do the same.
Always keep it positive. Negativity and arguing about will only push her away even further.
Another tip, when out and about with the kids. Make sure she catches you staring at her and make eye contact, and smile. If she asks you “what?”. Tell her, again, how beautiful she is and give her kiss and hug. Then get right back to doing the family thing. On the way home, tell her how she was the most beautiful mom out there.
Maybe she just needs to feel like a woman again in order for her to make you feel like the man you deserve to feel like.
Women can be so high maintenance!!!
Paul, I feel sorry for you. My wife has had similar behavior, but your situation is even worse than mine. My guess (and of course it’s only a guess since I know very little of your situation) is that your wife lost her sex drive like mine–either on becoming pregnant (due to hormone changes?) or some time before (due to the passage of time and loss of the novelty of love?). If the latter was the case, she may have continued with sex anyway in order to become pregnant. She might have been as surprised by this loss of sex drive as you were, or she might have known about it before and hidden it either hoping her desire would return or that at least she could endure it long enough to have children. Anyway, we have no way of knowing, and it is a moot point now.
People can have odd reactions to major changes like this, especially involving a taboo subject like sex. Instead of accepting her loss of sex drive and dealing with it honestly and openly with you, which would take a great deal of courage, she may feel her marriage (and pride and honesty) threatened and become defensive, reacting (not necessarily consciously) by rationalizing her loss of sex drive as your fault. That would protect her feelings and make you feel guilty. Again, that reaction is probably not her fault either, but may be a common and natural (although destructive) defense mechanism. Anyway, I’m just spouting ideas from my head, with no evidence other than the way-too-many sleepless nights I’ve spent trying to think what’s gone so terribly wrong with our formerly great marriage. And my ideas don’t solve your problem.
You might read a book called “The Sex-Starved Marriage” for some perspective, although I don’t think it can help change your situation if your wife doesn’t want to change it. Personally, I’ve tried to go through possible solutions, but as each one fails, I’m facing a choice of either:
1) a lifetime with little sex or
2) divorce, followed by finding a girlfriend but not marrying again, and possibly finding a new girlfriend every few years if the same thing happens even without children
These are bleak choices since I hoped marriage would be companionship and sex, not companionship or sex. But unfortunately sex is necessary to my happiness, thus I am leaning toward option 2 because it seems a terrible waste to live a sad life. I hope there is a way to be divorced without hurting our children or my wife. I’m thinking of living as close to them as possible so that I can spend time with our children every day. But I’m sure there will be some problems with such an arrangement.
One thing I’ve noticed is that my wife not only lost her sex drive, but also her desire for excitement or passion. Her passion was music, and she is a music teacher, but it’s now been years since she listened to any of her hundreds of CDs for pleasure. Did anything similar happen to your wife?
I hope you find a happy solution for your family. At least remember that there are many people in the world suffering the same fate; you are not alone. We can at least feel some solidarity in our pain.
Larry – It sounds like the problems your wife is hasving go way beyond losing her sex drive, If she has also given up other things that used to bring her great pleasure (music) then she is probably suffering from depression.
I know this is not what you want to hear, but if you walk out on your family now her depression will only get worse. And by the way, there is no way that you can leave your family without hurting them. It dosen’t matter if you live in the house right next door and come over to visit every day, they will still feel abandoned.
If you really love your family then you should be working with your wife to find a way to cure her depression before making plans to move on. At the very least you need to urge her to talk to a therapist. Make it clear that you are unhappy with the current state of your marriage and if she refuses to get help then you are not sure you can continue with her.
Anyone living in an intolerable marriage eventually has to reach this point. Whether its abuse, alcholism, gambling or emotional neglect the course of action is the same. State that you are unhappy and that you will leave if things do not improve, and give her a legitimate chance to work with you to find a solution.
It should be noted that new moms with small kids rarely have much of a sex drive.
Ian, I have to disagree with your last post. Sex is a “want” and not a “need”. I need the love and respect of my wife, but I don’t actually need sex from her (although I really really want it).
You and I have both been posting on this forum for a long time, and we have both had our ups and downs. I have re-read posts that I made further up, and I won’t pretend to be a different person than the one who wrote those other posts, but I can also see the flaws in my own logic.
Our lack of a sex life has very much affected my happiness over the past several years, but these days I feel like I have turned a corner and I am finally coming to grips with it. The question I had to ask myself was this : What if something happened to make sex impossible in my relationship with my wife. What if she developed a medical condition such that she could no longer have sex. Is sex so important to me that I would leave her over this? The answer was no, I would not leave her. I would find a way to make the relationship work and be genuinely happy without sex.
So if I know that that is the decision I would make regarding a question of how to spend the rest of my life, then why is it so hard for me to accept that sex is (tempoarily I hope) not a part of my day to day life right now?
Obviously things are not really that simple. My wife does not have a physical condition that prevents her from having sex. She is choosing to not have sex. However, I am not willing to leave her, or cheat on her in order to get sex. So I guess the only choice I have is to try and be happy while I wait for her to come back to wanting sex again.
Some people would say that I am being a sucker, or that my wife takes me for granted, or that I am putting up with something that I should not have to put up with. But, I don’t care. I know that I love my wife and I want to spend the rest of my life with her so I will find a way to make this work.
Hi Louie,
im completely new to this site,yet im very impressed with your answer.Im a 30 year old mom,my beautiful son is 6 months old and my marriage is in dire straits with MY lack of libido in the bedroom.The last time we had sex was about 2 weeks ago.Before that,about a month.To me its NOT like it used to be,i dont feel like sex,it puts me off…i dont WANT it.Ive been very depressed,more so after the birth of my son,but i would say its a combination of things that leads to me not wanting sex.My husband feels i need to give it,as hes married to me and its my duty cos hes not looking for it elsewhere…?Im perfectly content without it,yet im unhappy.
I’m prone to HUGE irretation if i wake in the morning BECAUSE my husband is janking the noodle next to me…he notices im awake and want me to join,and all i feel is that he can go fly i kite!!! I’m extremely tired,and feel that i dont get enough rest.To be rudely awakend because of something like that,makes me miserable as hell.
He helps minimaly with our son,yet he feels different and thinks he does enough.There’s always fights about money,yet we signed a prenup that doesnt allow me anything.I do have a full time job,and have to pay half of all the expenses incl rent,food etc.Hes always working,he comes to bed at 11,12pm per night (he works in IT)-then he want sex.I resent that with all my heart!!!!
i come home from work (i used to work 7-7 but now work shorter hours due to my son…the boss was so gr8 that he cut my pay-after me working for him for more than 3 years) .i get home,i feed my son i bath him,put him to sleep,the times i ask my husband to bath our son i get flatly refused (cos hes working and not playing),never mind the fact that i still need to make dinner,do the baby’s bag for tomorrow,make him lunch,check for clean ironed clothes (we dont have a maid) and STILL he want sex after all of this!!!!!!
I love my husband but hes lack of support for me,and understanding of MY problems makes me want out.We’ve only been married a year and 8 months.
Louie,
Thanks for your reply. Yes, you are probably right that leaving my family would make them feel abandoned. This is a horrible situation with no good solution. But at least I’ve gained some knowledge: that marriage is often bad. I wouldn’t wish our fate on anyone else. To save young people from following our footsteps and suffering as we have, I would advise them not to marry (unless they don’t care much about sex or unless they strongly want children), and instead to find a boyfriend or girlfriend and not have children and not commit to a lifetime together but to agree to leave each other if either one changes drastically. The point of a relationship should be to make both people happy, and it should end if being together makes either person sad. I don’t know why people don’t warn others about this; is it that most marriages are happy, and I’m just weird or unlucky? Or is it that people don’t care what suffering other people undergo? Or is it that evolution selects for individuals and societies that encourage marriage and children and selects against any behavior leading to childlessness? I guess all of the above.
As for her having depression, perhaps it’s true. I have urged her to see a counselor many times, but she adamantly refuses. I’ve suggested she quit her job, which she constantly complains about and which she claims she dreams of being fired from, but she won’t. I’ve tried for years to not complain or put any pressure on her about sex or anything else, and just to absorb the pain and pressure myself, but I can’t stand this forever. I don’t know what else I can do.
“New moms with small kids rarely have much of a sex drive.” I wish I’d known that before we had kids; then I wouldn’t have had kids. That may sound horrible, but I am sad now and was happy before we had kids. I am not a bad person or dad. I love my kids, and my son is a wonderful, smart, caring person who is probably my best friend. My aunt recently told me that I’m an excellent father, and she may be biased, but I think I’m doing a good job. But if we hadn’t had children, my wife might still love me and like sex (though maybe not; who knows?), and we’d have much more free time for sleep, romance, travel, charity, writing books, or other things that would make us happier, fulfilled, and able to help other people.
As for Louie’s response to Ian above, determining whether sex is a “want” or a “need” is like determining whether shelter or friendship or freedom or a 2nd kidney are wants or needs. You can usually live without them, but people will be affected to different extents, physical and emotional. Some people would suffer terribly if they were homeless, and might even die if in a very cold place, while other people might feel uncomfortable but could tolerate it, and others might actually prefer not living within 4 walls and would refuse housing. Sex, like anything else, lies on a continuum between things necessary for physical life, like air and food, and things wanted, like a luxury car, and continuing all the way to things unwanted and then to things that would end life, like poison. Each person arranges things in a different order on the continuum, and the order changes with circumstances, such as having children. Personally, I’d put sex about even with shelter or with hearing. In other words, if I had to choose between homelessness and sexlessness, or between deafness and no sex, either choice would be a toss-up. I guess my wife would put sex on the negative side, about on par with divorce or bankruptcy. Your question–would you leave your wife if she had a medical condition making her unable to have sex with you?–is instructive. I feel ashamed to say that I would answer yes. I feel like an awful person to admit that, and I want to rush to defend myself by saying that I am a good person who devotes all my free time to my family, that I donate large contributions to charities, that I donated gallons of blood over the years and am considering donating a kidney (though I haven’t yet), that my job is biomedical research aiming to cure disease. But maybe my sex drive is just too strong to give up happiness in order to be only a companion. If the situation were reversed, for example if I had dementia, I wouldn’t want to burden my wife to be my nurse and give up her time to take care of me when all I could do would be to be a companion and not a lover. I’d feel better to be in a nursing home so that she could be free, and I could make friends with the other patients and staff there.
Louie, I apologize for my long rambling about myself. I think that everyone can be quite different, and that there’s no absolute right and wrong. We should just try to make ourselves and other people happy. This is difficult because each of us wants different things, and on top of that, we each may change drastically. Living is thus like a game of 4-dimensional chess. If you are happier loving your wife than having sex, and your wife is too, then that’s good. You have found your path of happiness, and I support you to follow it. I wish you all the best!
It’s worth repeating, it’s scientifically proven, people with good sex lives are happier, healthier and live longer.
These women are, literally, killing us!
It is a responsibility of being in a committed relationship to do whatever you can make your partner happy and not shorten his life!
If you have no libido it is a responsibility to get some help – to try anything and everything that might help improve the situation. That applies to men and women alike.
Larry
A large part of why I am willing to put up with no sex right now is become I know that my wife loves me, and her reasons for avoiding sex have very little to do with me personally. Every other aspect of our relationship is great.
It sounds like your marriage is actually bad on more than one front and your wife is refusing to admit there is a problem.
However, I still stand by my earlier statement that if you intend to leave her then you should at least give her some warning first and give her a chance to try and get back to good. If she knows you are unhappy, and that you intend to leave her if things don’t change, and she still refuses to go to councelling then I guess that would speak volumes. I would never suggest that someone should just suck it up and continue in a bad relationship forever. I just think that in a lot of ways divorce is like war, you should only resort to it when the other side has rejected all attempts to achieve a peaceful solution.
Thanks, Louie. That sounds quite reasonable. I have actually asked her to see a marriage counselor with me several times over the years, but she rejects me every time. Thus I have seen counselors on my own. I will now start (again alone) the counseling service of the author of “The Sex-Starved Marriage”, hoping that their expertise on the subject might help us. If this doesn’t work, I’m about at the end of my rope.
I have an almost 3 yr old and an 11 month old. My sex drive increased big time AFTER having kids. Im still breastfeeding and I breastfed my firstborn too. I suffered postpartum depression after both babies as well. Honestly, I think our intimacy helped my PPD.
We had sex 1 week after my oldest was born and 2 weeks after my baby. I had c-sections too! I felt sorry for him and we felt like our love had blossomed with each birth and I guess that was our way of celebrating! I still feel like Im not satisfying him enough, Im sure he could do it multiple times every day. Then again, Im almost 30 and I think it will be my “wild” times soon! We are very creative and are willing to try anything once!
I think dads need to ask themselves whether its really sex that they want so badly or is it a love life. If all you are looking for is the physical release of sex then I would suggest that you consider how your demands for “body time” from your wife may end up hurting your love life down the road.
Prior to having kids my wife and I had a very healthy sex life which I totally took for granted.
After our baby I expected that both of us would want to get back to sex quickly, and I became more and more frustrated when it wasan’t happening. Eventually I started laying guilt trips on my wife about my “physical needs” and she relented to have sex, however, she was not really into it. To put it bluntly, she was giving me service sex in order to avoid damage in our marriage. In hind sight I can clearly see that service sex was bad for our relationship because it turned sex into a chore for her, and it didn’t really meet my needs either. I got my physical release, but it felt wrong to be using her body when her heart and mind were not really engaged in the activity. I can honstly say that I now know what the difference is between having sex and making love.
Guys, be patient and wait for the real thing. Wait for your wife to be ready for real love making instead of demanding service sex. If you are patient and supportive then when sex does return, it will be more fullfilling.
Yes it is a love life we want.
I thought that’s what she wanted too.
But it turns out that she just liked sex, and now she doesn’t.
Because when I ask her about it she says she isn’t interested in sex with anyone.
And that isn’t what I’m asking her, I’m asking her about our love life and what happened to her passion for me, not whether she would theoretically be interested in fucking anyone else.
If our sexual relationship to do with love then she doesn’t love me anymore.
So Tom, how long did you wait?
Ian
I started making demands for sex at about 5-6 months post partum. It was not until 11 months post partum that we finally tried something. That was after many fights, a few of which ended with her in tears.
After a few months of having sex every couple of weeks or so I started to realize that she was not getting into it the way I expected her to. I honestly thought that once we got rolling again she would remember that it was fun and then stop being so reluctant. However, by 15 months post partum I was still initiating all sex and she was still not showing much interest. After that I started to back off and stopped trying to force the issue. We are now almost 24 months post-partum. Sex is still rare, but when it does happen it is a much more positive experience that it used to be.
I have come to grips with the idea that we may never get back to having sex every couple days like we used to. Our world is different now. We are both tired all the time and there are not many oppurtunities to make love.
so what if it is the man with the loss of drive and not the woman?
It is possible for either partner in a relationship to lose their sex drive. This forum tends to focus on moms who want their libido back, or dads who want mom to get her libido back. However, I have seen articles elsewhere that discuss dads losing their sex drive as well. There are lots of possibilities:
1) You may be just exhausted. Having a baby in the house can wear everybody down, not just mom. In our house I am the lighter sleeper so if one of the kids is up in the night 70% of the time it is me who gets up. Some weeks I feel like a zombie at work and I definitely have no desire for noctural activities on those weeks.
2) You may be depressed. Post-partum depression is common for moms, but dads can get it to. Sometimes it is related to lack of sleep. Sometimes its caused by the sudden changes in your life (especially for first time parents). Depression usually effects all aspects of your life. If you are finding that you have also lost the desire to persure other things that you used to enjoy (hobbies etc) then maybe you should talk to your doctor about depression.
3) Sometimes dads have trouble dealing with the physical changes that their wife has gone through. After birth many moms have to really fight to get the baby weight back off. If you are finding your wife less physically attractive than she used to be then you have to be patient (the weight will come off) and also come to grips with the fact that some changes may be permanent. My wife’s breasts are considerably smaller and droopier than they were before kids. It bothered me at first, but I got over it. I don’t look as good as I did 5 years ago either.
4) You may also find that your wife is generally less affectionate and less concerned with your emotional needs than she used to be. This can cause new dads to feel like they have been shoved aside and they get resentful. Honestly, if this is the case then you just need to suck it up and wait it out. Babies need a lot of love and attention through their first 2-3 years. Eventually your wife will have time for you. You can help by off loading some of her baby duties. Personally, I was jealous of our first child during the breast feeding months. I know it was petty and childish, but I felt like my wife’s breasts were like a favourite toy that had been taken away.
5) You may also be secretly afraid of getting your wife pregnant again. This is a common reason for new moms to avoid sex, but it can happen to dads too. If you are finding that being a dad is stressful then it would not be surprising for you to subconciosuly be avoiding the possibility of going through it again.
Maybe none of these things describe your situation. You may need to talk to your doctor. Men are notorious for not wanting to talk about stuff like this. If it is affecting your happiness then you should face it down.
I thought of something else after I posted my earlier reply. Sometimes couple find it really awkward to go back to having sex again after having a baby. The longer you have been away from it, the more awkward it becomes. Its almost like you have to learn how to do lovemaking all over again.
In the early days of our marriage my wife and I fell into certain routines that we would go through when having sex. For instance, it was very easy for me to get her warmed up for sex because her nipples were very sensitive. I could almost give her an orgasm just by playing with her nipples.
After breast feeding kid #1 for 10 months her nipples became much less sensitive. I can remember one embrassing episode where after 15 minutes of me trying everything I could think of to excite her nipples she finally said “look, this isn’t going anywhere. You need to do something else.” It was a very awkward moment and definitely killed my sex drive for the day.
The only advice I can give on this subject is to be patient and communicate with your wife. If the old tricks don’t work anymore than you need to be creative and learn new ways to do foreplay. Think of it like cooking. Learning to cook new dishes is not easy. I usually get them wrong the first time. Sometimes I decide that a particular dish wasan’t as good as I thought it would be and never make it again. However, sometimes I stumble onto something really good that becomes a regular part of our meal rotation.
any advice from anyone please!!!, im 26 year old woman, n i gave birth to my first baby, after a four year try and losing 6 through, my first baby is my lucky 7th. Iv found it hard with my partner to explain how im feeling drawn away from sex over the 4 years, it has been like every time iv lost a baby, apart of me has gone with each one. anyways to get to the point my baby is 16 weeks old now and me and my partner have had sex once since i fell pregnant, iv lost all self esteem, im still getting used to my new body shape n bits, n im feeling really under pressure to have sex with my partner . . to the point were if we have a cuddle n that i feel its going to turn to full on sex so i make an excuse to stop the situation then i feel bad for my partner but he just doesnt understand, i just dont have the feelings that he does . . at the minute . . . for sex . . anyone else been in my shoes . . if so what did you do . . or any comments would be helpful . . please be sensitive
Many thanks for this forum. Lot’s of great insights and information here.
Advice needed though:
My wife and I are in our 30s and have three kids – ages 5, 3, and 1. We both work flexible schedules and share the responsibility of taking care of the kids (no daycare). We’ve been married for 7 years now, and had been dating four years before then. The frequency of our sexual intimacy has been an issue on and off for most of this time. We eventually went to counseling, whereupon our communication improved dramatically and thus our sex life. However, eventually, it waned again…. then more counseling…. then a bit of an improvement…. then waned again.
I realize that we both work, have three young kids, and live in a society where gender roles are being redefined in many areas. However, I am absolutely tired of being the initiator 99% of the time. I feel as if the ball is entirely in her court, and she gets to call all the shots. In short, she is in total control of our sex life. Furthermore, she rarely will stop moving long enough to actually look me in the eye, or give me a meaningful hug or kiss. She is “too busy”. I do chores, take care of sick children, let her sleep in most mornings, I cook all of the meals…. and feel like a tool – an blunt object that is to be used to get a job done with little regard for basic maintenance let alone nurturing. I don’t know what to do, but I feel horribly trapped, unloved, and neglected.
Help.
Familyman
I feel your pain. I am also in a relationship where I initiate 99% percent of all intimacy in our relationship. However, I am past the point of being upset about it now. Over time I have come to understand that my wife really and truly is exhausted all the time. We have two small kids who are very intelligent, and also very active. My wife is a stay at home mom and she is completely wiped by the end of a typical working day. Weekends are not much better because thats when we tend to do most of our errands (shopping etc) and socializing. So, point #1 is that life with small kids is exhausting.
Point #2 is that you can’t overcome that kind of fatigue with small periods of respite. By Friday evening my wife is typically so tired that she passes out shortly after the kids are in bed. Even if I let her sleep in Saturday morning she will still be stiff, sore and tired when she wakes up. I have come to understand that she needs the weekends to recover from the week of being a stay at home mom the same way that people who do physical labor need the weekend to recover. So I have also come to accept that even if I let her sleep in and do all the chores and make supper and put the kids to bed, this may do nothing to increase my chances of getting sex. If I was expecting sex as my reward and it didn’t happen, then thats too bad. She is not obligated to reward me for doing nice things for her.
Point #3 is that the situation described above is a phase of life that will evntually pass. This fall Kid #1 will start school. Hopefully Kid #2 will still be taking naps so that my wife can look forward to having some respite every day for at least 2 hours. Over time both kids will become less and less demanding and then my wife will start having some energy left over to get our love life back on track.
I suppose that I could guilt my wife into jump starting our sex life earlier, but I have chossen to not do that. That would just add to her woes and not really do anything to eliviate mine. Will it really make me happy to have sex with my wife if I know she is only doing it for my sake? Instead I have decided to accept that my wife is as much a victim in this scenario as I am. She dosen’t want to be exhausted, and she dosen’t want me to be unhappy, but the exhaustion is a fact and I have to live with the related fact that we will not have a real sex life until the small kids phase is over.
In the meantime, I have also accepted that the little things that she does do, like spontateous hugs and kisses or surprising me with my favourite meal, are as much an expression of love as sex is. Its like the lyrics in that Bachman Turner Over Drive song …
Any loving is good loving. So I’ll take what I can get.
By the way, I recognize that you are not currently getting the spontaneous hugs. That was something that I had to get going again in our relationship. Early in the small kids phase we argued about sex a lot and the unintended effect of this was my wife started to shy away from any form of affection that I might misinterpret as an invitation for sex. I started giving her spontaneous hugs and kisses without trying to persue things any further and eventually she stopped fretting about what my intentions were and started being affectionate as well. I had to rebuild the trust.
I recently read a book that put a whole new spin on why I have been so unsuccessful in re-igniting a sex life with my wife. The book was called “How to improve your marriage without talking about it”. At first I was certain that this book was going to be about how to manipulate your partner without their knowing, but that was not the point at all. Instead the book focused on the different ways that men and women deal with stress and why marriage issues rarely ever get resolved through talk. I will not recount the entire book, but I would like to point out the big things that I learned.
When I confront my wife about our sex life my intent is to make her aware that I am unhappy so that we can work together to find a solution. My logic is that if she loved me, and she knew that I was unhappy, then she would make changes in order to try and make me happy. However, according to the book, this logic is flawed for the following reasons. A woman’s sexual desire for a man is largely dependant on how connected she feels to him. If she feels that there is a strong connection then it will increase her desire to have sex with him. If she feels that the connection is weak then it will decrease her desire to have sex with him.
In the beginning of a realtionship things are different because the two people are infatuated with each other and their brains are releasing chemicals that override some of their natural defence mechanisms that might otherwise prevent a relationship from forming. In a sense it causes you to have a rosey view of the other person and feel a strong connection, even if its not really there yet. This makes females more sexually attracted to men that they are infatuated with and therefore more likely to want sex with a man early in a romance (or want to have sex with atrractive celebrities etc).
Of course, infatuation always wears off eventually, and after that a couple needs to work to keep the connection strong. Having kids can often cause strain on the connection between a husband and wife (as can many other things). Here is where the problem comes in for us new dads. If we try to pressure our wives into having sex with us by confronting them or otherwise showing that we are unhappy, then our wives will feel that the security of the marriage (and therefore of the family) is threatened and their sense of connection with us will be reduced. The more you fight about sex (or anything else) the weaker the connection becomes. Even if your wife gives into the demands and starts having sex again, she is doing so out of fear of losing her husband and in the background she still feels that the connection is weak and therefore does not actually want to have sex with you.
It is easy to understand why this is the case. The biological purpose of sex is to reproduce. Reproduction requires much more investment for the female (carrying, delivering and nursing the baby) and thus females will not want to go through this process with a man that they feel is not strongly connected for fear that he will abandon them later.
So to get to the point guys, if you want to persue a better sex life you can’t do it by directly confronting your wife or trying to guilt her into it. Doing so will just weaken her sense of connection with you and push you further from the goal. You have to go about it indirectly by doing things that strengthen her sense of connection with you. You have to do things that make her feel safe and secure in the relationship. If you want to know more about it, read the book.
As a side note for moms, the book also has advice for women about how to increase their sense of connection with their husbands. Men are very sensitive to shame. This is why they get very defensive when they are criticised and why they get upset when their attempts at initiating sex are repeatedly refused. Anything that causes a man to feel like he is not being an adequate husband, lover, provider or whatever will cause him to feel shame and his natural way to deal with shame will be to either attack or flee from whatever is causing the shame. This is why some dads withdraw emotionally from their wives after kids are born or suddenly become argumentative when they never were before. If you want to prevent that from happening then sometimes you have to make an effort to boost your husband’s ego and make him feel that he is still important to you … like having sex with him.
Its a very good book. I reccomend it to anyone that is having relationship issues of any kind (even if they are not kid related). It has a lot of good info on why couples fight and why the fighting rarely accomplishes anything.
Want vs. Need: if I needed sex, my hand would suffice. What we need is intimacy. We are social creatures. Sex would be nice, but what I need is a hug.
[quote]4) You may also find that your wife is generally less affectionate and less concerned with your emotional needs than she used to be. This can cause new dads to feel like they have been shoved aside and they get resentful. Honestly, if this is the case then you just need to suck it up and wait it out. Babies need a lot of love and attention through their first 2-3 years. Eventually your wife will have time for you. You can help by off loading some of her baby duties.[/quote]
This particular piece has just saved my life! I am a 29 year old guy who became a first-time father in May. We have a beautiful 5 month old boy that we wouldn’t be without. However it’s come at a price. My partner is tired all the time and has just become quite irritable. I can understand why she has no interest in sex but it’s the lack of interest in any kind of affection that is doing my head in. My frustrations boiled over this week and in a letter I told her how I felt…she basically told me I was selfish and to get over it. Now, having read some of the posts on here I don’t feel so alone. Thank you.
My wife and I are slowly getting things back on track. We are now 2.5 years post partum from kid #2. I never could have imagined that it would take this long for sex to start becoming a normal part of life again.
Looking back I can see that there were a lot reasons why sex was not working for us over the past few years. My wife had problems with both of her pregnancies. The pill messed up her hormones when she went back on it after kid #2 (she is now on an IUD). Having two kids to look after was much harder than one. And hanging above it all was the fact that I was constantly pressuring her to have sex and generally casting a negative shadow over the whole thing.
Guys, I really cannot stress enough how important it is to try and stay positive about your relationship and be patient during the sex drought. I did a lot of damage to our relationship with all the arguments and pressure about sex. You may be able to get sex by fighting and complaining, but doing so will just turn sex into a negative thing for your wife and over the long haul will push you further from the goal.
It took a long time for me to undo the damage I did. Two years ago sex was a very sore isue between us. We had hardly any affection of any kind in our relationship and we were both afraid that our relationship was coming unglued. Then I made a concious effort to start turning things around. I started being more affectionate in non-sexual ways. I went weeks at a time without approaching her for sex and tried really hard to not be upset when my advances were rejected. I was not always successful, but over time I got better at appreciating the affection that I was getting instead of obsessing over sex. It felt like a very long, hard slog and I will admit that I often felt neglected and taken for granted during that time. However, it was important to me to make this relationship work so I had to just sucj it up and be patient.
Over the past six months things have changed dramatically. My wife has started to come out of the haze and is started to actually be interested in sex again. We are still nowhere close to where we were before kids, but my success rate is up to about 25% now (as in, she will say yes 25% of the times I ask). She still does not initiate sex, and we still have periods of time where she will lose interest for a couple of weeks. Maybe one of the kids is sick. Maybe she is not getting enough sleep. When one of those funks comes around I try to be patient and be compassionate about the fact that she is having a hard time and my demands will only add to her woes. The phase passes and we try to get back on track again.
I am confident that things will keep getting better over time. One positive side effect of having infrequent sex is that we have gotten better and having quality sex. My wife read that the average sexual encounter is 15-20 minutes long. We usually clock in at 1 hour or more from when the fore-play starts to when the post-sex cuddling begins. I have decided that I really like sex this way and I have stopped asing for quickies because they are not as satisfying as the real deal. If I need a quick physical release I will do it myself. I read somewhere that masturabation is a like valve to release sexual pressure. I like that description. I only do it when my hormones are going nuts and its obvious that my wife is not up for sex. Some people would say that a married man should never have to masturbate. Others would say its a sin. I have decided that if it keeps my marriage happy during a week that my wife is not on top of her game then its a good thing.
People might find this interesting/useful: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/29/magazine/29sex-t.html?_r=1
whoever Louie is please email me at jpmohave@yahoo.com
I’m looking for some advise from the men out here that seem to understand! I have a 3 1/2 year old and a 4 month old. My husband and I still have sex at least 2-3 times per week, but it’s still not enough for him. He gets frustrated when I’m so exhausted I fall asleep, but doesn’t believe exhaustion is a good excuse. I found myself in an argument at least every other week because he says he feels like he’s not wanted anymore. While he still initiates most of the time, I try to at least 25% of the time. I hate the fact that he feels unwanted, but I don’t know what to do when I can’t physically keep my eyes open.
Can anyone please give me any advise of what to do or what to say to my husband at this point to make him understand both sides. Fighting with him is one of the worst feelings in the world, as he is my everything. I want to find the balance to rest myself but still let him know that I love him and am just as attracted to him as the day we met.
Momx2, I completely understand where you are coming from. Today is my son’s second birthday and I haven’t been right since his birth. I can’t explain why or when and maybe the fact that we had tried for eleven years to have a baby and finally have one explains why I feel I am completely and hoplessly infatuated with my son and it’s almost like I don’t have room for another “man” in my life to love. Am I going crazy? I feel so bad for my husband, he thinks I’ve lost interest in him or that it has something to do with his performance. Trust me, giving in to sympathy sex is the wrong answer. It could wind up as bad as our episode the other night which I compare it to having intercourse with dead slab of meat and me having an out of body experience and being fully disgusted with myself and resentful toward him for pressuring me to do it. It feels vulgar, barbaric, uncessary and un-enjoyable. I am going to seek help because I know this can’t be normal, I’m just glad I found someplace where I can see other women are going through the same thing I am. Good luck.
Momx, and SCH
I feel very terrible for both of you, and also because I have done similar things to my wife.
First off, if your husband expects to have sex more than 2-3 times a week then his expectations are way too high. My guess is that he thinks sex is something he should be entitled to every time he feels a physical urge. However, most men (myself included) think about sex every single day. Does that mean that we are entitled to have it every single day? No.
Having said that, I expect that your problem does not actually stem from the frequency of sex, but more from your husband desperately seeking to feel loved and thinking that frequent sex is the way to acheive what he wants. Having kids presents men with a unique problem in that we are fully engaged in the process of conceiving a child, but then have to watch from the sidelines for much of the next two years. Mom carries and delivers the baby. After birth mom will be the primary source of food and comfort for the baby and thus the two of them (mom and child) develop a strong bond. This can be difficult for dads because they feel that they have been displaced. I know that I was insanely jealous of our kids when I watched my wife kissing and cuddling them and thought “Geez, its been ages since she showered that kind of attention on me.”
Back to the subject of sex. My guess is that your husband is feeling like his special place in your life has been usurped and he is trying to use sex to force his way back in. Sex is the ultimate act of intimacy. If a woman is willing to have sex with you then she must really love you, at least thats how the theory goes. However, if she is only having sex with you because she is tired of fighting about it then it dosen’t feel like love. As SCH put it, having sex with a cold hard slab of meat is not going to feel like a loving act. So he gets the sex he wants, but not the loving feeling that he expected to go with it, and thus he feels cheated and gets angry at you for failing to provide what he actually needed (love and acceptance).
At this point some would say “But if she made more of an effort to be interested and try to get into sex then he would have felt the love and acceptance that he wanted and all would have been good.” However, thats easier said than done. A woman who is exhausted, and not feeling naturally inclined towards sex can’t just make herself get aroused. If your relationship has become buried under layers of negativity and fighting then it becomes extra hard. At best she can fake it, and possibly make him even more upset when he figures it out.
I have been in this situation with my wife (except that I was not getting sex 2-3 times a week) and I know that it can be a difficult situation to climb back out of. There are some things you can do to help, but most of the solution needs to come from your husband.
You can:
- Try showing that you love and accept him in other ways. Little shows of affection can do a lot to heal wounds, although he might not agree. If he has it in his head that its sex or nothing then he might think the hugs and kisses are a tease. You have to be patient with this one.
- Try to be compassionate and keep in mind that although he is being a jerk, and treating you badly, he is also suffering in his own way. Remember that you love him and that the goal is to get back to a harmonious relationship.
- Sympathy sex is not entirely bad, however, you should only agree to do it when you can actually do it properly. If you are half asleep then its probably not going to go well and may do more harm than good. My advice would be to find times that are good for you (you feel awake and feel that you could actually enjoy it) then approach him.
He needs to:
- Stop obsessing about sex. Your husband needs to understand that there is a whole spectrum of ways to show love and appreciation for your spouse and sex is only one of them. He needs to start seeking out hugs when he needs them or cuddling with you as you fall asleep instead of trying to convince you to have sex all the time.
- Accept that sex will only be good when both people are capable of getting in the mood and enjoying it. If its not going to be fun for your wife THEN DON’T DO IT. Don’t ask her for sex when she is exhausted, or has a ripping headache, or has had a really bad day. He has to ask himself if he could enjoy sex under the same conditions. If he says yes then he is lying. The single most important thing that I have learned after 5 years of struggling with the whole sex issue is that it is WAY WAY WAY more enjoyable and more emotionally satisfying when my wife is able to get in the mood and enjoy it along with me. That means I have to wait for the right conditions before I even approach her for sex.
- Learn to masturbate. Seriously, I am not kidding on this one. Many men have the opinion that once you get married you should never have to masturbate. Its her duty to service you when you require it. Honestly, forcing your wife to have sex with you when she dosen’t want to is just masturabation by other means. You will get off, but she will not and you will damage your relationship in the process. If you really need a physical release and your wife is not up for sex then suck it up and take care of yourself.
My final piece of advice is that sex is a very important part of any loving relationship, but it requires balance in order to work. Your husband is demanding way too much and he would probably find that if he waited for the right times (when you were awake and feeling good and could actually enjoy having sex) then the sex would be much better and more emotionally satisfying.
My wife was offering way too little (sex once every 2-3 months) because she had it in her head that she could only enjoy it under perfect conditions, which never seemed to happen. Many women fall into this and it is essentially the opposite form of torture from what your husband is doing to you.
The trick is to find that happy middle ground.
Hi Everyone. It is comforting to some degree that so many people experience this. I am in a relationship whereby if I’m lucky, I may have sex with my partner once in a month or two. Either that or I may receive a handjob.. then after either event takes place, I count the weeks to see how many have gone by, thinking that maybe around the 3rd, 4th or 5th week something may happen.
My partner had two children – now 2.5 and 1.5 years old. They’re great kids – they have slept well through the night since birth and I help out heaps. Many a comment has been made from others about “how good” I am, how I change so many nappies and the likes. I love my children, I love my partner and I want to do the best and be the best that I can. My partner chose to study at home as she is not working and would like to become a midwife. This keeps her up long hours at night, makes her stress about assignments etc and to increase this “student syndrome” of staying up late, she quite often zones out for long periods of time watching TV or playing games when she has planned to study.
Here we are in the second week of the Xmas holidays. I have slept on a sofa for a week due to lack of bed space at both our parents’ houses. Lastnight was our first night in bed together for a while and we’re both exhausted. We had an early night lastnight and I explained to her that I was going to bed earlier to take care of my needs as I was starting to go out of my mind for release. She came to bed at the same time and gave me a nice cuddle so I assumed we would be having sex. Yes, I made the assumption. Rather than just going for it and initiating foreplay I asked her if there was anything she’d like – she said a massage would be nice. So I worked my thumbs hard down her back for a good length of time. It was so good she became so relaxed and wanted to go to sleep. I didn’t moan or sigh. Silly me I suggested she get some sleep – so she did.
This morning I asked her about it and she said yes, we were about to have sex lastnight. Now tonight she is studying hard and isn’t interested in continuing the massage. I told her it would be fine if she fell asleep again but she’s too tired.
Anyway, I have a high sex drive (or perhaps normal??). I would be happy to have sex 2-3 times a week or even one night a week. Even once a fornight. I guess I came on here for a moan as I am feeling utterly depressed about it right now. I love my partner, I want to have sex with my partner. Its at the point where I am considering breaking up my family to have sex with SOMEBODY. I don’t want that. I want to be in my family and be happy too. But I probably will keep going and hoping. If my kids didn’t exist, I would not be in this relationship tomorrow. I know it sounds selfish but I have lived with this frustration for 3 years. She wanted a 3rd child – I want no more, so we agreed to her becoming a surrogate mother. I am due to get a vasectomy in the next few weeks and in a month or two she will carry somebody else’s child. She has no sex drive now. She had no sex drive while pregnant. That spells out no sex drive yet again for at least another 2-3 years.
I will give her credit in that we had an expensive weekend away 3-4 weeks ago. We had a spa bath in our motel and enjoyed a kid-free weekend. We even had sex. The only problem was that she was so tired, it was more or less a case of “lets get on with it as I’m tired”. I only wish there were more of these weekends, but they’re just not possible or within our budget.
Just what is a guy supposed to do? Whenever I raise the subject, she thinks I’m pressuring her. In the past I used to ask for attention and she used to resent me for it. Now there’s no excuse – just nothing. I’m 36. Here I am thinking I will sit down and go along with this until my kids become ready to leave home. Has anybody else done this? Is there really a possibility of finding sexual happiness when you reach 50??
I thought her libido would return after she stopped breastfeeding but boy was I wrong. That would have been about a year ago now.
Life just seems unfair.
There are a wide range of stories that have been discussed here in the last few years, but I think there are a few discrete ‘types’, and it’s useful to identify which is yours.
There’s “decreased libido and want it back”, and “decreased libido and don’t care if it comes back” and also “decreased libido and don’t want it back”. And of course “never had libido but faked it so I could get pregnant”.
Louie pointed out something very important- even during the ‘dry spell’, he knew his wife still loved him. He had other signs that kept him going. I think that’s key to a common ground to work on. If both aren’t happy with the sex life, then you can work together to either find ways to change the desire or compromise.
It’s often not an easy thing to communicate about, but that’s where it has to start. Pual, you didn’t mention how your sex life was before the kids, but you did say ‘return’ which seems to indicate you were happy with it before. Do you know if she’s happy with the way things are? Or does she miss the sex in general, but just not feel like it at any given moment?
I’d like to add, it’s a lot easier living with no sex than some sex. The worst part for me was the rejection. Nothing hurt me more than thinking my wife wanted to make love, only to have her suddenly ask me to stop kissing/touching/massaging her. Or have her go through with it, only to realize that it’s pitty sex, or that she thinks that my desire is ‘amusing’. At least now I know where I stand. No kissy, no huggy, now that we’re done procreating.
Paul
I can totally sympathize with your situation. Your sex life and mine seem to be following a similar trajectory (except for the surrogate mother part). I had a vasectomy a few weeks ago because we are at the stage where we do not want any more kids. We love the two we have, but neither of us wants to reset the game and start over again.
Please don’t give up on your wife. The fact that she came to bed with the intention of having sex with you shows that she does care, she just dosen’t have the energy to follow through all the time. My wife is the same. Most days she is totally exhausted by the time the kids are in bed. I know this is the pattern and I have stopped resenting her for it because she can’t help it. I have faith that things will get better as our two year old gets older. He is still very demanding. Your wife may not be meeting your needs right now, but it won’t take 18 years for her sex drive to come back. Small kids are very draining. Once you get past that stage things change for the better.
A couple of weeks ago my wife and I had sexual intercourse for the first time in many weeks. It was one of those days where the stars lined up. She had slept well, the kids had been good all day and since it was a Saturday I was able to give her some “me” time to read and veg out. I had indicated earlier in the day that I would like to have sex and she surprised me by having sexy underwear on when we started undressing for sex. We went on to have the best sex of our married lives. It was amazing. Nothing has happened since that day, but it was like the rain clouds parted for one day and I was reminded of how very good sex can be when two people who love each other are in the right mood, and have the time to do it right.
Now I have to patiently wait for the next time the stars line up. However. I know that these occurrences will be become more and more common. You just have to wait it out.
Rich
I disagree with your comment that no sex is better than some sex. That kind of all or nothing mentality will just lead to frustration. To a large extent my wife and I have gotten out of the habit of having sex over the past few years and it would be unreasonable for me to expect that at some point the switch will be flicked back to “ON” and we will be having sex twice a week again. It is far more realistic to assume that things will gradually ramp up again.
One thing I have come to understand is that my wife is naturally a low libido person. Sex is not a physical urge for her like it is for me. Looking back I can remember that she tended to avoid sex during busy times in our pre-kid lives as well. We once went on a one month vacation to Europe and I got sex once during that time. It drove me nuts.
In any case, knowing that she is low libido tells me that if I wait around for her hormones to come back on I will be waiting forever. Instead I have decided to try and bring our sex life back by making sex a very positive thing. I avoid asking her for sex when there is an obvious reason for her to say no because she dose not like rejecting me any more than I like being rejected. When I do get rejected I try to take it gracefully and usually suggest some other activity that we can do together (give her a massage, cuddle until she falls asleep, watch her favorite TV show together etc). During the years that we fought about sex I inadvertently created a negative aura around the whole subject of sex and now I am working hard to remove that negativity and replace it with positive things. When we do have sex I just relax and enjoy it without worrying about when the next time will be.
It takes some time, but I can see that this approach is working. She says yes more often and tends to get “in the mood” easier than she used to. My big hope is that if sex is always a fun and loving experience then she will start to crave it just for the happy vibe, even if her hormones are not screaming for it. I know she loves me, and she wants to make me happy, so after a great sexual experience I go out of my way to show her that I am very happy.
It takes time and patience to do this type of thing, and it requires that you take sex when its offered so that you start building the positive aura that you want sex to have in your relationship. If once every two months is all you can get for now, then take it and work with it. It will get better.
I came across an interesting article the other day that might be useful to people out there. It described the five stages that a marriage typically goes through before it ends up in that happy place that we call True Love. I was shocked at how accurately it predicted the course of my own marriage over the past few years.
Stage 1 – Romantic Love
- This when the relationship is still new. You have differences but they are easily over looked and most people would describe themelsves as very happy in this stage. Typically lasts only 2-3 years.
Stage 2 – Reality sets in
- The rose colored glasses come off and you start to realize that your partner has habits or personality traits that are less than ideal. Arguments may erupt from time to time and you generally feel that your marriage is not living up to your expectations.
This stage is most often kicked off by a sudden change in the family dynamic such as having your first child (sound familiar to anyone). It is supposed to last 10-12 years but I would guess that most people reading this forum are already in stage 3 …
Stage 3 – Trying to fix the marriage by changing your partner
- Eventually the frustrations that started building in Stage 2 hit a point where you feel that something must be done to fix your marriage … and that something must be done by your partner. You have basically sized up all of the ways that your partner is not meeting your expectations and you start trying to change them in order to bring them in line with what you want.
As you can guess, the partner usually does not agree that it is them that needs to change and thus the fighting begins. At this point the relationship can go one of three ways:
1) You decide that the relationship cannot be fixed and you end it
2) You decide that the relationship cannot be fixed, but do not want to end it, so you settle into a loveless marriage where you are essentially living seperate lives under the same roof
3) You decide that maybe its not just your partner who has to change … and then you are on to stage 4
Stage 4 – Leraning to love in spite of your differences
- In this stage you learn to accept that no two people are perfect and therefore no relationship can be perfect either. You also take a good hard look at yourself and realize that there are things you could change or things that you could compromise on that would help to pave the way to a happier relationship, and you start making those changes.
Provided that your partner has not lost all hope for the relationship after the trials of stage 3, they will notice that you are making an effort to be a better spouse for them, and this will (hopefully) encourage them to try and be a better spouse for you as well. As good will grows you will start to remember what you like about each other and not just focus on the dislikes all the time. You accept each other as individuals and decide to try and be happy as a couple even if there are things about your relationship that are not ideal … and then you are ready for stage 5.
Stage 5 – True Love
Apparently less than 50% of all couples will get here and most who do make it here do not achieve the goal until after their kids have left home and they are free to focus on each other again.
At this stage the two of you have accepted each other fully and agree that the continued happiness of your marriage is important enough that you will constantly work to maintain it. You make an effort to communicate and stay in tune with each other. If you inadvertently hurt your partner you quickly take steps to heal the damage and get back to good. You go out of your way to avoid doing things that you know your partner will not like, and you go out of your way to do the things that they do like.
———————-
My wife and I defintitely hit stage 2 soon after our first child was born and by the time number 2 came along I was well into stage 3. The thing that forced me to wake up was watching a friend of mine walk out on his family and seeing the devastation that it caused for all of them. I realized that I was heading down the same path and after some soul searching I decided to try reading some relationship books to see if there were ways that I could be a better husband.
Now, two years later, I can say that my marriage is much better because my wife and I are learning how to compromise. We communicate WAY better than before and we are both making an effort to try and adapt to the other person. We are not at stage 5 yet, but we are well on the way there.
If you want to read more on this go on Google and search for the five stages of marriage.
I have been searching the net because after my wife had our first child, her sex drive just wasn’t there. (Going on eight months) She will have sex if I she thinks I am feeling stretched a little too thin, but never shows the passion she had before the our child was born.
I am not searching to read what I find here (or on other blogs) unfortunately. I don’t understand why this subject brings so many angry people out into the chat rooms. Women that desperately want someone to tell them it is OK to tell your husband NO MORE SEX and feminist that just want roar. This shouldn’t be that forum.
A couple of loving people got together with a shared love. There was a passion between them and they had a child. Now one of them no longer has that passion, but it seems the love is still there. The question SERIOUS people are asking is how do I help the partner I love so much get that passion back (or how do I get it back)in a way that that SHE is happy and healthy.
Juan
It is true that many people who post on forums like this are not really looking for advice. They are looking for a place to vent and hoping that other people will validate what they already believe is true (that their partner is being unreasonable and that it is their partner that needs to change). By the way, its not just the ladies that are doing this, we guys are doing it too.
Since you asked for a serious answer I will give you one, but you won’t like it. At 8 months post partum your wife is probably still too exhausted to give you the kind of passion that you want in your sex life. Small children are very demanding of both time and energy from their moms and there is no specific time line for when that starts to change. My youngest is almost 3 and my wife still still finds that she is totally exhausted by the end of each day.
My advice to you is stop worrying about trying to get back to the sex life that you had before kids, and focus on working with what you do have. At this stage you should recognize that sex will not happen very often and you will have to do almost all of the initiating. Thats just the way it is with moms of small children.
When you do get oppurtunities for sex, go out of your way to make it enjoyable for her. Allow her to kick back and relax while you shower attention on her body. Take it slow and allow her to properly relax and get aroused at her own pace. Become an expert in foreplay and learn to accept that there will be nights where even though she said yes, she is actually too tired for sex and thus foreplay is all you will get. We tend to focus too much on sex as being intercourse when sex is actually a whole spectrum of things. If you want more on this try reading the sex chapter in “The Secrets of Happily Married Men”.
I know from experience that this can be very frustrating when you feel like you have to do all the work, but it gets better over time. If you are patient, wait for the right oppurtunities, and work at making sex a loving experience instead of just a quest for orgasm then your wife will start to come around again.
I tried many different things to try and bring my sex life back. I tried waiting for her hormones to come back naturally and that didn’t work. I tried talking to her, and that just made her defensive. I tried begging her for sex and that just made me look pathetic. In the end our sex life did not start coming back until I took the focus off of it and worked on all the other parts of our relationship.
I always did my share of house work and parenting, but I was falling down on meeting her emotional needs. I was not talking with her enough, I was not giving enough non-sexual affection and we were not doing enough fun things together that did not involve the kids. I started working on all of those things and our sex life gradually started to improve. It took a long time (months) for the virtuous cycle to get going but it was well worth the effort. Our relationship is in a really good place now and that carries over into the bedroom. We are having better sex now than we ever did before kids … although still not as often. The reality of early mornings, extra-ciricular activities, sick kids, family obligations etc etc still leaves my wife pretty exhausted most days. Quality over quantity.
I think this will be my last post on this forum for a while. I am starting to feel like its my personal blog since 2 out of every 3 posts are from me.
In any case, I think ist safe to say that my wife and I are officially past the the sex drought. When I first started posting here sex was happening 3-4 times a year and it always felt like my wife was just doing it out of guilt. Now we have reached the point where sex happens 3-4 times a month. However, the quantity does not even seem important anymore because the quality is TOTALLY AMAZING. We are having the best sex of our married lives right now.
For anyone that cares to scroll back down the whole list, you will realize that this was a two year process for us. Two years ago our relationship was not in good shape and I had to deal with the relationship as a whole before sex could be possible again. I used all of the following resources during this process (these are books):
- Good Husband, Great Marriage
- How to change your marriage without talking about it
- Baby Proofing your marriage
- How to have a more sexual realtionship (EBook)
- The marriage turn around guide (EBook)
None of these books was a complete resource in itself, although “How to change your marriage without talking about it” comes pretty close if you are on a tight budget and can’t afford to buy lots of books. You have to pick and choose which bits of advice are appropriate for you.
The most important things I learned were to recognize that my wife’s libido is not so much about hormones or how physically attracted she is to me. For her, sexual attraction is based on a sense of emotional connection with me. We didn’t have that connection and all of the arguing about sex was pushing us further apart.
The other important thing I learned from these books was how to rebuild the emotional connection between us. I had to learn how to meet her emotional needs. That meant spending time with her doing fun things, talking and being affectionate in non sexual ways. This was the part that took a long time, rebuilding our relationship to the point where we were totally comfortable with each other again.
However, knowing that I wanted to be a lover and not just a really good friend and parenting partner for her, I also read up on sex skills. There is really only one book that I read on this subject. Its called How to give her absolute pleasure by Lou Paget. This book convinced me that I was going about sex in the wrong way when I did get the oppurtunity. In particular I was doing foreplay wrong. To the guys out there, even if you can’t bring yourself to actually buy the book (I felt very self concious standing in line to buy it) at least go to the book store, find the book and read chapters 3, 4 and 5. I kid you not that knowing how to do good foreplay has taken my sex life to a whole new level.
And now that sex is back on track for us, it feels like our whole relationship is so much more pleasant. After having great sex Saturday night we were going out of our way to give each other smiles and kisses all day on Sunday. It just feels so good to know that you can connect with your spouse in such a deeply satisfying way again.
Its not all roses of course. To get good sex you have to wait for the right conditions. I don’t force the issue when she says no, which still happens quite a lot. However, I know that it won’t be long before she does say yes and then it will be fire works.
Good luck to everyone out there who is struggling with the sex issue after having kids. Don’t give up on your marriage. Be patient, make your spouse’s happiness a priority for you and do some reading on things you can do to change yourself for the better. If they love you they will notice that you are making an effort and they will eventually meet you in the middle.
I hope that everyone can arrive at a happy ending like I did.
Hi Louie, and thanks for taking over as guest facilitator. You do/did a great job and I’m probably not alone in appreciating it.
My comment a while back about “No sex is better than some sex”:
We’re all just blind men and women, and we’re not even describing the same elephant. At one point you said you managed the drought because you had other signs that she loved you. As I would say, there was a positive momentum in the relationship. If most things are going well, then the occasional negative word or look is like water on a duck’s back. However if the relationship isn’t working, then each negative action is just another nail, and each positive action feels hollow and shallow.
We had good positive momentum, even without the sex, when our child was born. But the momentum changed over the course of a few months. I have to resist the urge to laundry list all the things she did- it takes two and I’m sure I had my part. The point is, there is no connection anymore. We don’t hold hands, kiss, hug, or anything else. Sex is so far off he radar that the lack of it is really just a minor symptom compared to the real issue.
I know that it has to start somewhere, and I’ve tried to withstand the negative and only return positive for long periods, but I always seem to wear down. On a good day I’d say we’re neutral. On a bad day I’m gritting my teeth, reminding myself over and over that the option is being every-other-weekend dad, and I REALLY don’t want that.
I don’t think anything major is going to change until we can agree mutually to change it. But, and here’s the laundry list item I will allow myself: my wife has apologized for one minor thing in the last three years. It may only take one to break a relationship, but it certainly takes two to fix it.
I’m happy for you that you got your sex life where you want it, and more importantly that you got all the ‘other stuff’ that precipitates it. I think you’d agree that while the Saturday night sex is great, the Sunday smiles and kisses are the real heart and soul.