Lost Libido? Normal Sex After Childbirth
January 4, 2007 by kate baggott
Filed under Mental Health
Sex. I hate talking about it, but “new mother + sex” is a rather popular search term on the Internet. This is an era when a feminist should be able to talk about anything. I imagine many searchers are new mothers who are wondering when desire will return, when they will be able to relax and not think about what had to be stitched back together. Other searchers are probably men, like my husband, who will find the one or two references that contradict the conventional wisdom of waiting 6 to 8 weeks after the birth.
These men really need to start getting up in the night with their babies. Then, they will be too tired to even think about sex either. They also might find that their wives and children like them more, that they are truly engaged in family life.
On the other hand, after our first was born, my husband said that the new baby made him feel so emotional, so full of love, that romance seemed like a natural extension to what he was feeling. With our second child, he just hid out at work until most of the hard work was done each day.
It is normal not to feel like doing it after you’ve had a baby. Getting up at night, breastfeeding, fear of getting pregnant again too soon and feeling used all contribute to a seriously deflated libido. And, really, wanting to get your groove back is admirable, as long as you’re doing it for yourself. I am not sure that any relationship benefits from “OK, I’ll do it for you” sex.
Or does it?
So much about giving birth and becoming a mother does pitch us into something primal, something traditonal, something role-ish that can make sex feel like a duty. Many relgious women from a variety of faiths have been taught that sex is just another duty to be performed. And, long term breastfeeding is returning from medical exile, from a time when doctors advised women to put their babies on bottles of forumla 6 to 8 weeks after birth so that she would again be sexually available to her husband, who in return, wouldn’t abandon the family, leaving them dependent on the state.
While I think a sexless period after the birth of a child is normal, many women still feel guilty that they just don’t feel like it. Still others feel pity for their poor, sexually-deprived partners. Both those emotions certainly don’t appeal to my libido.
What do you think is normal? What would you tell a close friend who asked? If you don’t want to leave a comment, check out the poll on the side bar.
Sex can mean things other than intercourse.
If my spouse is feeling romantic, sometimes all I need to do is cuddle him a bit while he masturbates. The closeness is good for both of us, even if I’m not feeling terribly sexy myself.
Well, that’s a nice compromise.
The most important thing is mom’s recovery. I think men need to take a step back and get some perspective. For me 8 weeks was the minimum and even then with breastfeeding a libido was rare. I am glad I have a very understanding hubby.
8 weeks is generous, if you’re expecting it back by then. My baby is 4 1/2 months and I still could care less. Breastfeeding really puts a damper on things, especially if you don’t have a cycle. (Which I don’t, when I am nursing).
Not wanting it, is so normal. But it is lame for husbands.
I must be rather abnormal; after all 3 of my kids I haven’t been willing to wait more than 3 weeks. I love making love with my husband – pain or no pain! It’s definitely not the time for the “Rough Riders”, though.
Gentleness is greatly appreciated for quite a while.
6.5 months and still counting….feel like if i never have sex again i wont miss it. Feel guilty for husband though so do play along for him.
My wife is not interested in sex like it was before giving birth. I think it is for various reasons, ranging from being too exhausted and also being a full-time mum. Could be down to hormones or post-natal depression. I’m talking about the 8 months after the baby’s born. Nothing left then masturbating.
I have a 5 month old son, first child, and I want nothing more than to feel sexually aroused again. I am so afraid that my relationship is over with, sexually! I want to have sex, but when we do, it doesn’t feel the same as it used to. The sexual attraction is gone!!! Will things always be this way? How hard do I have to work at making them change?
Meaghan-
You need to focus on the arousal, not the sex. And, you and your partner need to be able to discuss it. Preferably, over a nice dinner you don’t have to prepare or clean up.
This has nothing to do with sexual organs or the sense of touch. It has to do with exhaustion and hormones.
To be honest, I am not sure things can ever be the same again. Life has changed forever and so have you and your partner.
But, things can get good again, probably around the time your body is ready for another baby. I am not sure it’s up to you to work at this. I think it’s up to your husband to seduce you. For him to really seduce you. Not for him to pester you until you give in, but to find new pleasures.
My baby is 6 months old and my husband and I used to have a smokin’ sex life. We’re not really exhausted since we have two sets of enthusiastic grandparents who chomp at the bit to give us ample breaks. My huz and I are still very affectionate and sweet but my libido is GONE! I could care less about sex. Ever.
Elisa, sometimes I find that, while my mind couldn’t care less, if I just let my body go, my mind gets with the program after a while. You know?
Elisa- I’ve been starting the weaning process and felt a glimmer of return.
Wow Ratphooey! To me it seems like only a few weeks since baby two was born.
Oh, I was speaking about the last go-round. At only three weeks post-partum, I’m too sleep-deprived to even consider it now!
almost 6m postpartum with first child- and for awhile I thought I was the only one that felt like this. At least I;m not alone in feeling this way. I could care less about sex. I am almost turned off by the thought of it, It’s still painful when we try and I’m just not arroused-ever!!. My husband is so great and very understanding, but I still can’t help myself for feeling almost guilty. I know it’s probably a combo of being emotionally exhausted and hormonal ( still breastfeeding), but it’s frustrating cause I want to want it-(I think) My body doesn’t feel like mine anymore. Hope this will eventually get better- Maybe I should see my docter.??? This sucks !!
Ever since I had my first child I have not wanted to have sex or do much of anything sexual with my husband. When she was 8 months old I got pregnant again and now my second daughter is only 4 weeks old. My sexual desire has never returned. It totally sucks beacsue I feel guilty all the time. I thought I would have a sex drive when I was pregnant because I did with my first but nothing!! I can see the sadness in my husbands eyes wen I say that I dont feel like it. I feel terrible. I am only 4 weeks post-partum and intercourse is totally out of the question but I do not want to do any “fooling around” at all. I would rather just cuddle. Sex has never been the same…sometimes painful and just feels like a responsibility. I find myself annoyed with my husband when I actually do have sex. What is wrong with me!!?? Any advice…
My baby is a little over 3 months old, and I want to have sex but really don’t care if I don’t. I am a full-time student and a new mom and I am really just too tired to do anything. When we get a night without the baby, all I want to do is just sleep. and…when we do have sex, I don’t really enjoy it all that much. I got the Depo shot in January and am approaching the next, so this one is waring off, and my libido is a little higher than before. Is the shot part of my problem?
Marie & Jenna- You are both completely normal. IN fact, it’s weirder to want sex after giving bith. The statistics are in: parents have less sex and it can take two years for your libido to recover after the birth of a child.
http://www.babylune.com/its-official-parents-have-less-sex/
But birth control hormones can make women feel less stimulated in that way (the opposite is also true). Thyroid hormone problems can also arise right after childbirth and should be checked. No libido is also a symptom of thyroid problems.
It’s been sixteen months, and our baby is now ten months old. I was waiting for the stitches to heal and the pain to subside. Now I am waiting to be seduced.
Kristine,
I wanted lots of sex during the second trimester of my first pregnancy. But the second one, while working a demanding job AND coming home to an active toddler? Sleep was all I wanted.
#2 is six weeks old, and it’s still all I want.
But I’d welcome a little seduction any time now.
“I must be rather abnormal; after all 3 of my kids I haven’t been willing to wait more than 3 weeks. I love making love with my husband – pain or no pain!”
God Bless this woman.
Otherwise, I wholeheartedly encourage all men with high libido’s to carefully choose outside lovers. The things I read about women’s expectation that even highly sexed men, should take it on the chin, serves only to train them to expect to ignore our needs whenever and for whatever. Don’t like your husband’s libido? Then don’t expect him to like yours.
Before childbirth men should get their accounting and assets in order, when their is any indication that it will simply be better to go.
After all the usually expected sacrifice and kiddies become older, many women will take lovers themselves and leave with the kids anyway. So, it is simply time to face facts. Denial cuts no longterm favours.
When delivery is unusually traumatic, of course their is some tolerance. I speak about respect for daddy’s libido and normal human needs.
Don’t like my libido? Then I don’t like yours.
Colin,
Any new father who claims to have a highly active libido is obviously not playing his role as a parent. It is exhausting for both in the pair.
And as for your suggestion to take a lover, I can’t imagine any idea more repugnant, irresponsible or neglectful of his family for man to do. Your attitude suggests that you are nothin but a heartless control freak who has never felt love for anyone. Understanding and sharing the load helps to repair a woman’s libido.
But, there are plenty of reasons marriages break down. Based on your world view though, yours won’t break down based on your sex drive. It will break down on your self-centered egoism.
I ended up being a single mom, and although it is very difficult doing everything on my own. I look at my friends who are married, they still do pretty much everything on their own (in regards to the baby care) and then have to deal with their husbands needs as well. I am happy not to have the added pressure of “When can we have sex again honey?” Let’s face it, men just don’t get it and our society doesn’t really help in this matter. My daughter is almost 9 months old and I am just starting to feel normal again.
It has been 13 months since my son was born and I still no sex interest, I am annoyed by my husbands advances, the libido is down…. and I feel very guilty and bad about it all. It is definetly causing a marriage strain, especially with a hubby who is a typical non talking kind of guy! I hate this, but love my son very much, and I love my husband too. HELP!
I have a 17 month old son… and I actually met my current finace 1 week prior to finding out I was pregnant. I told him right away and the father of the baby wanted nothing to do with the child. My boyfriend at the time stuck with me through the whole ordeal bc he said despite circumstances he just couldn’t walk away there was something there that he never had before. Throughout my early months of pregnancy the we were very close and intimate. Then the baby came in Nov of 05′. I was proposed to in September of 06′ and we are planning a big wedding for August. I love my fiance soooo much but have NEVER got back my desire to be intimate with him. I went to the dr. she suggested staying off the birthcontrol for a few months. this didn’t help at all!! I try drinking wine, I try thinking about sexy things and all I want to do is go to sleep when we get in bed. And when he try’s to kiss me- I almost get annoyed. Help should I be marrying someone if I have no interest in having sex with them. My fiance is very attractive and fit, clean cut and sooooo good to me. I just can’t bring myself to want to have sex with him. I don’t know what to do I feel horrible.
Shelley & Sarah- Neither of you mention whether you are still breastfeeding & if the babies are still getting up in the night, both of which can and do impair libido. That’s why they say it can take two years for the sex drive to return.
Other issues could be hormonal. Pregnancy & birth can affect the thyropid gland, a little butterfly-shaped organ that regulates your metabolism. One symptom is absense of sex drive. If there is a problem there, TSH and T4s can be checked via a simple blood test.
If there is no thyroid or other hormonal issue, it might mean that mothering is just taking up every bit of your energy and identity. You probably need more time to yourself so that you remember who you are. You need that before you can share something intimate with your partner.
Most people suggest a weekend away without the child, but that is just not possible for some people. What is possible for both of you, though, is a day away. You need to leave your children with your partner at 8am on a day off and not return until the baby is asleep for the night. Spend the day all by yourself being an adult, thinking adult thoughts, doing adult things. Whenever you feel yourself missing the baby, tell yourself that your child is fine with your partner, transfer those “I miss you emotions” and brainwash yourself into missing your partner instead.
One day won’t change everything, but it is a start.
Hi-thanks fro the response. I actually didn’t breastfeed at all. I have thought about going to get my Thyroid checked bc I can’t think of what else it is except for possibly my situation since it was indeed an unplanned pregnancy, could I possibly “unconciously be turned away from sex now” We actually are going away next weekend by ourselves. The grandparents are taking the little one so I know he will be in good hands. I am going to see how the weekend effects our “sex life” if things don’t change over the weekend I am scheduling an appt to get the thyroid checked. My baby 90% of the time sleeps through the night but still wakes up very early. I do work full time and I’m in the mist of planning a wedding so I definatly would suggest some of it is from everyday stress but to be annoyed at my fiance’ wanting to kiss me…it not ok to me.
You’re right Sarah, it’s not OK. I hope you have a great week-end away.
Nope, not breastfeeding anymore and it’s been quite a while. I have noticed that I am getting better or more ‘normal’ as time goes by, but still have a ways to go. I just may try something I would have never ever ever dreamed of… the female formula of viagra, vigorelle or erostat. Not sure yet though, stuff like that is not my thing. Once good thing is that my husband and I finally talked about all this and he really does understand and he is trying not to take it personally and get his feelings hurt which was happening! Just us talking has helped mentally and emotionally big time!
Shelley- They do say that good communication makes for better…well, you know…
Thanks to everyone who posted comments about low sex drive after baby….now I know it is totally normal…I was beginning to think there was something wrong in the marriage…like I wasn’t attracted to my husband anymore…its probably a combination of the hormones, breastfeeding and total sleep deprivation that is making me totally not interested in having sex right now…our daughter is only 8 weeks old.
J9- Let’s face it, if your sex drive isn’t “normal” when your baby is two years old, you might have a problem. At 8 weeks, no libido is normal.
For the first time in my google searching life i have struck what I wanted. My son is 8 months old and I am a Stay At Home Dad as of 6 weeks ago. Coinciding with a change of country from NZ to Japan, my wife is now working full time, and yes,we are not having the sex,,,libido,,,thats the friggin word, Talking about it is the only way forward,but hey. Guess I was trying too hard to get our sex life back to where it was. this info will help me stop nagging,,,its just that mens imagination for sex is a volcano…ok son awake,,better go changypoo!
Thanks everyone
incl Colin
r
Richardo- I want you to know that when your wife watches you interact with your child, sees your relationship develop, it helps her body clock re-set…Unless she gets a bit jealous because you and the baby are together all day. Are there activities or games the three of you can play together “like let’s find mummy” or “where’s daddy hiding” to give you an opportunity to feel like a team before the baby goes to bed?
It’s one thing to reverse roles, to define schedules, but it’s another thing to really share them.
Which also reminds me of the ten touches a day rule. I can’t remember which book it is, but one of the big relationship books says that in successful marriages, each member of the couple touches the other in a non-sexual but affectionate way at least ten times a day. Maybe one of the ten touches inevitably finds the “on” button?
At least, all of us can hope.
I turly feel for all ya’ll women. As a father of four (my fourth was born three weeks ago.) I can understand the points ya’ll are making. I do not mind the comments “guys just don’t understand, all they want is sex.” true some do.
The problem I have is simply this. My wife likes for me to play with her sexually and give or oral, yet she does not return the favor at all. I mean no kind of way sexually. I do not ask as she gets seriously annoyed and aggravated.
Please do insult all men as I do my fatherly duties with all four of my kids. My oldest is five. I do the diaper changing and nightly feedings. I take my wife out to dinner and the movies as often as I can so we can spend quality time together.
What can I do so that she looks at me in same way.
Hi Colby-
Three weeks postpartum is really too soon to be worrying that it will never be the same. She’s probably still bleeding, the stiches (if any) have just recently healed and everything is still stretched out of shape. Leave her alone for eight weeks to do kegels and for everything to move back into place.
Four kids in five years would take a serious toll on any woman both physically and emotionally.
Is your family complete with four kids? If so, my first impulse is to suggest you have a vasectomy. It would take away the fear of her getting pregnant again, especially when your youngest is still so young. It really is, at least for me, the fear that stops me from letting go and just having a good time.
While men don’t tend to like anyone messing with their plumbing, getting the snip is nothing like childbirth (especially times four). When you consider that the procedure takes fifteen minutes, the recovery time is about a day in bed with an ice pack and a few days of pain killers, and there is no risk of death from aenesthic, the arguments for vasectomy over tubal ligation are pretty strong.
If you scheduled a talk with your doctor for next week and the procedure a week later, you’d have to abstain for another few weeks while your ejaculate is tested to make sure there are no little swimmers in there.
Once you remove the fear of pregnancy from sex, there is one less barrier to sexual expression. And, you have to consider, sexual expression changes as couples are together longer.
I am not a big porn consumer, but what I have seen was more about one really ugly hairy guy, humiliation and power than it was about love and sharing pleasure. Those two things are about communication: touch words, response and curiosity. Everyone’s understanding of those things changes the more complicated their lives get. Finding out how you and your partner are changing is part of being together. It takes time and attention when both are in short supply. That means making a place and a time when they are there.
I wish we had enough space to make a private corner for ourselves. A no kids allowed married-couple club house just for us. It’s not an option in our tiny apartment, but it might be for you.
thank you for the suggestions. there is more to this that might help you understand my situation. my first two kids or not for my current wife. they are for my x-wife. my current wife had me fight for them so we do have them in the household though. even though i think that was a mistake as she no longer wants them.
i told her i wanted a vasectomy but she wants a daughter. which she blames me for not having lol. that is ok. she will be getting the iud mirena in a week or so. she does not want me to have the vasectomy even though i strongly want one as four kids at the age of 26 is a bit much. i love them to death but anymore would defintely put a bigger strain on this marriage.
any thoughts on how to make this transition just a little more pleasant please advise. im at my wits end
Twenty-five years ago I heard the very same words from my wife. She told me not to expect any kind of sex for at least six months. Two years later our last child was born. I didn’t even ask for sex that time for six to eight months. In both cases waiting never cured anything. I was patient. I got up with the kids. I cooked, cleaned, pampered and only occasionally tried to get close to her in bed. I don’t know how many times over the few years that followed that I was rejected and physically shoved away. She gained a ton of weight and I was the model of the understanding husband. But after fives years of being rejected, limited to as many as four and as few as zero times of intercourse per year, I had a one night stand in a distant city. I felt so guilty that I stupidly confessed it a year later. Without her taking any responsibility she pounded me for years to come for my adultery. It’s not that I didn’t take responsibility for my action, but she continued to gain weight and continued to demand that I do everything around the house, while she continued to have temper tamptrums when I became insistent that we needed a sex life or counseling. I continued to live without any sex at all on some years while working to support the family. She had the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom, which she very much wanted. Job changes and greater levels of responsibility and money brought us to a new city and ready to buy the dream house. She wanted the house and I told her that I would buy it for her. But I also asked her to promise me that we would have a real marriage with a normal sex life (meaning at least once per month). She agreed but on the day we closed on the new house she rolled over away from me just as she had hundreds of times before. She had even marked the event on the calendar with the word, “CELEBRATE”! That meant more than going out for Mexican food. I laid in the dark realizing that I was the greatest fool in a 100 mile radius. My resentment grew as she continued to revile my needs and refusing to go with me for counseling. Four months later I was on a plane by myself. I had quite my job and taken another good job on the West Coast. My only regret was my kids. I visited from time to time during a year away and finally moved back into the house to insure that my children would have their father. I did not come back for my wife. But she had lost 100 pounds and looked great. Still, the homecoming was short-lived as she went back to the yelling and food addiction. The bed once again turned ice cold as she blamed me for everything that was wrong. My career had taken a beating and the next several years were a financial bomb. All along she verbally abused me as she made it clear that I didn’t deserve sex. So, we settled into a slow simmer of rage with her having her way about sex and me wondering if the nightmare would ever end. I became a regular patient on the psychiatrists couch as one mental and emotional stress and illness was treated. I’ve considered of late going to the hospital and seeking disability. Anxiety and clinical depression are only bearable with a variety of drugs. My once promising career is a joke. My friends pity me and I’m sure they feel sorry for my wife who has had to live with my unstable and black personality. Our sons are now grown and married to wonderful girls. I asked both sons privately if their prospective brides were the kind that … I didn’t say it, but they knew what I meant. They had both deliberately sought out a wife with the opposite temperament of their mother.
I’m now considering how to live out my days with a woman who, no matter what the situation, will not even embrace me when I’m afraid.
My wife has made it clear. I’m the last of all possible priorities in her life. Others have told me that I was handsome, smart, youthful and sexy. But my wife has convinced me that I’m not desirable. That can only mean one thing to a man. He is not a real man.
Probably, I’m not a real man. A real man wouldn’t put up with being thrown away for twenty-five years. A real man would be wanted and desired by his wife. The real cost to a man when he has a wife who rejects him is that he eventually stops believing he is masculine. Worse … he just stops believing.
Phil
Phil- I feel for you, but we both know that your comments and experiences are not related to your wife giving birth.
While we haven’t heard your wife’s side of the story, it does sound like you are both mentally ill. It also sounds like each of you found, in the other, someone who brings out the worst in your personalities. I am sure you know all about co-dependency from your own therapy.
I don’t understand why, if both are you are so unhappy, you still live together. While there are religious prohibitions against divorce, there are none against having two addresses and living completely separate lives.
You don’t need to participate in a web forum for new parents to talk about 25 years worth of unhappiness. You need a lawyer.
I hope that all of you women who have lost interest in sex are very confident that some young, possibly beautiful young gal won’t make off with your domesticated, bread winning spouse. And leave you to grow old alone. Rest easy girls.
Wow! I didn’t realize there were so many refugees from the 1950s, Hubby!
Most women have babies, take care of them AND work. Welcome to modern times. And, husbands who take an active role in childcare and housework find that their wives recover from their lost libido.
I am happy to report that mine is back and my husband is more attractive than ever. Mostly, because he is smart and understanding and doesn’t think like you!
OK, I am hiding this comment. Our youngest is 18 months old today. This is not the only reason to celebrate. As I confessed, above, things are working again.
Unfortunately, we’re both still starved for it.
The kids have some kind of conspiracy going. They’ve stopped going to bed because the days are so long. They insist on prolonging their times of neediness throughout the evening.
In some ways, it’s like being 17 again. Except, that instead of sneaking around so your parents don’t find out, you’re sneaking around so the kids don’t find out.
The following comment came in via an IP that is connected to a service whose customers are generally spammers. For that reason, I did not want to open unfiltered posting up to this user. However, this is an open forum and I have quoted the text below:
—QUOTE—–
Since my partner found out she was pregnant our i sex life life has gone right down hill, well actually its fallen from the top of Everest and seems to have no sign of changing. Reading some of the comments I feel like my situation is me being silly and inconsiderate, but it seems that my partner (soon to be wife) reads all these books/magazines and takes their advice, she also has several friends she can discuss the issue with, while on the other hand if I were to breathe a word to anybody hell would break loose, during pregnancy sex was a no go she made very little effort to help with my sex drive (which I admit is rather high, in that we would have sex at least once a day) she would sit infront of me sometimes while I masterbated (watching tv) which made me feel like a dirty pervert, and we did manage sex 3 times towards the end of her pregnancy. Now our daughter is about 3 months old and absolutly nothing i know its still fairly early, she shows no interest in even helping me out orally or in any other way, we have discussed the issue she says maybee soon we can have sex once every two weeks weeks but it must last no longer than 10 minutes and she is doing it for me (in other words she wont enjoy it at all) which I dont want at all for me sex is a bit more than insert, thrust repeat untill done. I know her feelings may change, and she has already told me to go and have sex with someone else (which I dont want to do), I am getting married in under 2 months and am very worried that our sex life is over already I may sound like im grosly exadurating the possible future but the way its been over the last year and the way my partner talks about the issue I see no change ever !!!!!!! Comments please
— END QUOTE —-
My husband has always been a bit of a workaholic, has translated into him not always having the energy for his libido (which is otherwise good and healthy). In otherwords, he has often been the one saying “not tonight, honey, I have a headache…” That said, I am a bit younger and was in school for a while, and had more free time to store up sexual energy…so it was a bit of an imbalance but now that 12 years have gone by, things are better than they’ve ever been. The pregnancy – especially the second trimester – was the horniest time of my life. And I mean EVER – I was like a 19 year old boy. I couldn’t get enough. We had the best sex of our relationship so far while I was pregnant.
Now we have resumed sex (at about 6 weeks), which we do have to be a bit gentle with still, but it’s pretty good. My question is that even though I love being horny, and in theory I’m always up for a romp, I’m not physically feeling as turned on as I used to. I think some of the nerve endings may still be repairing in the area that counts…so it’s hard for me to achieve orgasm and I haven’t actually done so with my husband yet since we’ve resumed. So how do I get that back? Is it a physical thing that I have to just wait on, or what? I guess it’s worth noting that I almost never orgasm through intercourse anyway; external stimulation is the only thing that works. Sigh. I just want to have that release with my husband, instead of separately.
To poor Phil.
You are NOT NUTS you are in an identical situation I was in when married for 20 years.
Now, new partner, and…although not getting abused anymore, my sex life with her is OVER. She is not interested and has no idea how important it is to my view of the relationship.
I don’t know what to do except wait till baby is about 12 months old…she’s 10 months now.
Maybe some blokes have got it worked out by going to brothels – at least they are not seeking a new relationship, just that they need the intimacy. Maybe if I didn’t have a conscience…
I am a father of two, and loving husband. Am after reading these comments I am absolutely bewildered. There is some truth to those says that men are from mars, women from Venus. Ladies, please.
I work a difficult job, law enforcement. Shift work which could land me one week on the night shift, one week during the day, etc. Despite this, every time I get home I dive right into work. I pick up, clean, put things away. Making sure that the house is in tip-top shape every single night I get home so it doesn’t pile up. Dishes, laundry, you name it. Then I have a little bit of time I spend with my kids.
My wife, she gets home and really doesn’t have much to do. If dinner wasn’t made by me, then she has already eaten out. Everything is neatly put away or being put away. All she has to do is breastfeed our 4 month old and sit back.
Sex has totally disappeared — and its not because of the husband not sharing in the responsibilities. I do my fare share and more — what I cannot do is feed my child, but she sleeps through the night and might wake up one time only.
The wife just doesn’t want to have hubby time. She could put the kids to bed at 8:30 if she wanted to, and we could spend an hour or more together but that doesn’t happen. She’ll put them to bed at 9:30, fall asleep with them and leave me to do what I want.
now I”m sure someone is going to say I need to be more understanding but give me a break, some women need to take responsibility. my wife needs to take responsbility and realize if she wants ‘us’ to be happy she needs to give it up. thank you.
I’m so glad I found this site. I was beginning to feel like maybe I was permanently damaged when I gave birth 3 months ago. I had a second degree tear which took 9 weeks to heal. My husband was very gentle with me when we decided to try sex again, so I didn’t have significant pain, but nothing feels the same as before. First there’s the lack of arrousal (but there is the interest), then there’s the lubrication issue, then I just feel numb down there. My breasts used to be an errogenous zone for me but now they feel like “they’re just for the baby.” I realize after reading this forum, that these feelings are most likely related to my hormone levels since I’m breastfeeding and not an anatomical problem. My husband and I have tried sex three times and each time an orgasm has been elusive. I want it but it just won’t happen. So it seems that the answer is to just wait and things will go back to normal in time. I guess this is nature’s form of birth control. At least now I know how common this is.
Josh- It sounds like your wife is pretty unhappy. Now that we know how you feel about the situation, it sounds like you need to find out how she feels about it.
Sarah- It does get better. I’ll write a post about what helped me in a few days. As soon as I can summon the courage to be really honest about it.
kbaggott-
I’ve never blogged before but hoping you can help me with some of your wonderful sound advice you’ve given to others.
I’ll start by saying that we’ve been married for almost 7 years. We have 2 kids. One turns 4 in one week and the other will be six months old tomorrow. When our daughter was born, I had a 2nd degree tear. At three months, the tear had not healed correctly which caused me to have to have a second surgery to repair my perinium. Since then, I’ve always had pain and certain positions will tear me again. But my husband and I have learned how to avoid my pain causing positions. When our daughter was 3 months old, he began a 4 month affair. Then when she was 10 months old had a one-night-stand. Through lots of counseling, we worked through the issues, I thought. We lost a baby between the two kids, as a result of falling down some stairs. Then we got pregnant with our son. During pregnancy, my husband was verbally abusive to me. (He sounds like a real jerk, but has many more great qualities.) My reason for writing now is to find out how to help him understand my body. I have absolutely no sexual desire. I’m on zoloft for postpartum depression. I had major suicidal thoughts after birth. I’m breastfeeding. I’m getting up 2-3 times a night. I’m a full-time-mom. I do all the housework and mow the yard. (He goes to work and brings home the money.) He will play with the kids after he has eaten dinner. But heaven forbid dinner isn’t ready when he comes home. He yells and then won’t play with the kids because he has to have his temper tantrum.
So, this week, he told me that he is unhappy with our sex life and has called me a corpse repeatedly. I sent my daughter to her grandparents last night. I got the house picked up and organized, but I didn’t have time to clean his car, because I promised to take our daughter swimming. (I can’t break my promise to her.) Then I came home, got really pretty, and met him at work when he got off. We went to a nice resaurant, with the baby, of course, and had a nice date. I was mentally ready to have sex. When we got home, his first words were, “So, what did you do all day? You are lazy!” There went all libido for me. He said that I was good for nothing.
Today, again, I tried to be aroused. He told me that I must be a lesbian because I don’t feel like having sex and that I’m either a corpse or am attracted to women. He said that I should watch pornography with him. I said that it would mentally affect my mind. I’ve tried telling him in as many ways as I can to date me, romance me, help me around the house, be patient cause I know my feelings will return in time. They did as soon as I quit breastfeeding my daughter. He told me today that I am in a tough situation because he is going to go find a woman to sleep with and is going to start praying to God for him to provide a woman who can fulfill his desires. I do believe in for better or for worse. I must admit that this is the for worse part. I just want to know what I can say to him to help him understand that this too shall pass and to be patient with me and that name calling does nothing to help my libido.
P.S. If you are a man and think like my husband, please stop. It tears your wife down so much and she has very little chance of overcoming her low libido when she is emotionally drained along side being physically drained.
Diane,
I am so, so sorry, but this doesn’t sound like it is your problem. Your husband might have some good qualities, but living with a controlling, emotionally abusive jerk who cheats on you and perverts his own faith to justify adultery has gotten you nowhere but on anti depressants with no self esteem. By putting this on you, he is not addressing his own emotional problems.
I urge you to go to counselling yourself to work on why you put up with a grown man behaving like a two year/old. I would also suggest that you start looking for a job so that if this escalates to physical abuse against you or the kids, you have the money to get out. Please confide in a friend or relative who could take you and the kids in and keep you safe if he gets any worse.
Diane.
Firstly, it sounds like you are doing an amazing job as a woman and as a mother in general. Living with a husband who is so unable to be supportive may have more to do with your lack of libido than you realize…though it sounds like you do realize it. I believe some antidepressants can also have an effect on the libido; zoloft is likely one of them.
I am sure your husband does have many good qualities – many reasons to make you love him – but that does not excuse the way he is treating you. I look at it this way: I as a mother have a huge responsibility which goes far above and beyond the diaper changing and the laundry and even the cuddles (though of course those are imperative). It is my job above all else to be a good role model, and that includes showing my children how I allow others to treat me. Remember that especially in the case of your same-sex children (I think you said you have one of each), the way they see you responding to the way others behave around you is going to mold the way they let others treat them in turn. If you want your daughter to grow up and allow herself to be treated the way you are allowing yourself to be treated, then stay in your situation. If not, you need to give your husband an ultimatum or get out of the marriage. He needs to commit to some serious marriage counseling, or if he is unwilling, he will have to love without you.
Just because a large portion of men in our society choose to be unfaithful doesn’t mean that has to be your lot in life. It sounds to me like you are breaking your back to do everything for everyone else. Another responsibility you have which goes with the role model thing is to value yourself enough to demand better! You and your children will ALL be better off for it.
I wish you the best of luck in finding a happier life. You do NOT deserve to be treated this way. It qualifies as domestic abuse, clearly, and you MUST take the necessary steps to stop it.