Lost Libido? Normal Sex After Childbirth
January 4, 2007 by kate baggott
Filed under Mental Health
Sex. I hate talking about it, but “new mother + sex” is a rather popular search term on the Internet. This is an era when a feminist should be able to talk about anything. I imagine many searchers are new mothers who are wondering when desire will return, when they will be able to relax and not think about what had to be stitched back together. Other searchers are probably men, like my husband, who will find the one or two references that contradict the conventional wisdom of waiting 6 to 8 weeks after the birth.
These men really need to start getting up in the night with their babies. Then, they will be too tired to even think about sex either. They also might find that their wives and children like them more, that they are truly engaged in family life.
On the other hand, after our first was born, my husband said that the new baby made him feel so emotional, so full of love, that romance seemed like a natural extension to what he was feeling. With our second child, he just hid out at work until most of the hard work was done each day.
It is normal not to feel like doing it after you’ve had a baby. Getting up at night, breastfeeding, fear of getting pregnant again too soon and feeling used all contribute to a seriously deflated libido. And, really, wanting to get your groove back is admirable, as long as you’re doing it for yourself. I am not sure that any relationship benefits from “OK, I’ll do it for you” sex.
Or does it?
So much about giving birth and becoming a mother does pitch us into something primal, something traditonal, something role-ish that can make sex feel like a duty. Many relgious women from a variety of faiths have been taught that sex is just another duty to be performed. And, long term breastfeeding is returning from medical exile, from a time when doctors advised women to put their babies on bottles of forumla 6 to 8 weeks after birth so that she would again be sexually available to her husband, who in return, wouldn’t abandon the family, leaving them dependent on the state.
While I think a sexless period after the birth of a child is normal, many women still feel guilty that they just don’t feel like it. Still others feel pity for their poor, sexually-deprived partners. Both those emotions certainly don’t appeal to my libido.
What do you think is normal? What would you tell a close friend who asked? If you don’t want to leave a comment, check out the poll on the side bar.
Samantha- Thank you for speaking up and being so supportive toward Diana and other women in her situation.
I wish to qualify a minor typo – I said Diane’s husband would have to go to counseling or “love without her.” As it is evident that he is not treating her with love, I thought I should point out that I meant to type “live.” He is obviously living without her in a sexual way already, so I think she should kick him to the curb! That is not his right within a marriage contract.
I am a father of three, and our youngest is almost 7 months old now. Ever since my wife got pregnant with our second child, who is now two and a half, we have had almost no sex life. even when we do have sex, it feels like she is just going through the motions, there is no excitement or passion. I work a lot, and a long commute. I get an average of 4-5 hours of sleep a night, so i know what its like to be tired. I help around the house, and have done tons of work on our yard, ripping out stumps, building fences, etc, and i also try to take our two older kids with me whenever i go to the store, just to give my wife the least amount of stress possible, but still she has no sex drive. I feel like she is simply no longer attracted to me, and wants nothing to do with me sexually. I love my wife, and i love my kids, and i would never cheat or leave them, but i am pretty much giving up on having a sex life ever again. if there is no true passion or attraction on her part, then it is not worth doing, and i feel like im some kind of monster even bringing it up with her. I just dont know what to do, and reading all of your comments dont give me any heart.
Josh- You and some of the other men here talk about what you do to help and what great fathers you are, but there is one thing none of you mention: conversation & communication.
Here is the thing, if you ask your wife “Why don’t we have a sex life?” you put her on the defensive. If you feel like a monster bringing it up, it’s probably because the communication is broken.
I’ve faced the same issue in my own marriage and it isn’t easy. Yesterday, my husband returned from a long day away and had nothing to say to me. When I brought it up, he assumed that I was talking about missing a sexual connection. I was actually talking about feeling connected to someone.
Remember that feeling, when you were first in love, that you could tell the other person anything and still be accepted?
Where does that go?
I am not saying I know, I am just asking. I can’t help but think that it is related to the missing sexual spark.
I finally got brave enough to update my personal story on this topic here.
http://www.babylune.com/a-beloved-item-from-the-lost-found/
Here is a warning to all you women that don’t care about sex anymore and call your husbands “lame or selfish” . First off you were or are everything too him and he was blown away by how much you used to want him.
My wife used to be the most passionate woman in the world. She is no longer. I adore her but in the past ten years she has rejected me so often that I refuse to keep persuing any kind of romance. I am tired of putting in all the effort for nothing.
I fought the death of our sex life tooth and nail.
But I can’t do it any more. In fact despite my deep affection for her i would rather die than have sex with her again. We were only having bad sex about every three months and great sex about every two years.
So occasionally she is into it. I refuse to have sex with some one that doesn’t want to be with me as much as I want to be with her. Because of her constant rejection I no longer want her.
Funny thing is I haven’t and will not cheat. It is better to masturbate than cause her that kind of hurt. At the same time if she were to have an affair I would be happy for her and shake the mans hand. (never thought I would feel that way)
She tells em she loves me but I do not believe her
I raised our kids so she could have an incredible career and she scorns me for going back to school to retrain my self so I can have that great career. Yes I still want to have sex. Yes I have contemplated an affair. But I will not harm my children or my wife; so no affair for me.
Honestly I am not sure we are going to make it. She says she wants to stay together but no longer claims she wants a romantic life.
Me being romantic is one of the things she used to say she loved about me. It is not important to her so it is not important to me. Our romance is over and the both of us are doomed to a life of increasingly less intimacy. And you know what ladies it is her fault. There is more to it than sex like her demanding I not work unless the kids are in school. her having no understanding of what it means for a man to give up his life completely.
I knew when I married her that there was no way she would stay at home with the kids. She is a doctor and at the time I was working for PBS. I just thought she would appreciate me for giving up on my career and dreams for her. I knew what I was getting into but I didn’t know she didn’t care.
I am totally depressed and relieved that I no longer am interested in having sex with the love of my life. This was my greatest fear about getting married.
You ladies claim men are afraid of commitment.
I wasn’t and look what happend to me.
I went into our marriage as happy as a clam. I was going to spend the rest of my life and have children with a person that wanted me as much as I wanted her; my dream come true. To Bad she was lying; or at least she was when she said a life of romance and a healthy sex life were important to her. Man that could hook any guy. Hell she dosn’t even remember saying it. But she sure as hell remembers every little annoying thing there is about me.
Well okay maybe it is not all her fault that our romance is dead. Maybe the fact that I do all the laundry and cook most of the meals doesn’t forgive my crimes like not folding a towel they way she would or even worse not having a sparkling clean house all the time.
Even if I do get the house clean buy flowers and the whole bit she doesn’t care about sex. So still it is mostly her fault. Just as it is going to be mostly your fault when your man refuses to have sex with you and even worse cheats on you.
Just because you have no understanding of the burden that male sexuality is gives you no right to belittle your spouse because of his Natural desires.
So what if it is natural for women to loose interest. It is also perfectly natural for a man to want to have sex. You need to be understanding of that. Don’t just cal him selfish.
After our fisrt daughter my wife was very understanding and had no problem lending me hand while she was recovering. we didn’t have intercourse but at least there was a something. I don’t know how or when or why she stopped aking an effort for our romance but the longer we have gone with out it the more difficult it became for me. The more she lost interest. You Have to keep touching you have to make time for laughing together.
I made that a priority early in our relationship and I thought she did too. Unfortunately for both of us she didn’t think our sex-life or romance was the most important thing.
I hate how I am ranting to a bunch of strangers about this but I can’t talk to her any more. I have read every book there is out there trying to get her to be involved in our relationship.
Tell me this ladies how can a women possible want to remain in a relationship with a man she has no desire for? How can she expect him to continue his devotion to her? Is it fair to ask a man to value one woman above all else and not give him the same respect?
If you are calling your man lame or selfish because he desires you than you are stupid. If you do not reciprocate his feelings his feelings will die. Like mine and I hate it.
I still think she is the most amazing wonderful woman I have ever met.
To end this plea and rant. I will say this I expect that sometime with in the year she might want to have some sex. As sad as this is for me to admit I will gladly tell her that I am not interested hell I don’t even want to kiss her anymore. It’s like kissing my sister. If she wants sex she will either have to reduce her self to masturbation (like me) or go find it somewhere else. That might hurt her but than again it might just make her day. Again don’t make you man become like me.
Bob- This conversation hasn’t used the word lame. We’re talking about a temporary loss of libido after a woman gives birth, not about total relationship breakdown.
You might think your sex life is broken, but it isn’t. Your marriage is broken. You say you “can’t talk to your wife about it” because you think sex and desire are the problem when it is a symptom. If you wanted to fix this, you could open yourself up to change and go to counselling.
There is another man who commented here who said that two wives abandoned him sexually. Excuse me? Two? Exactly the same situation?
Perhaps it’s about his relationship patterns rather than the women. Maybe you and wife are locked into a bad pattern that you have to break. Reading books doesn’t improve communication. talking, arguing passionately, feeling something strongly and expressing those feelings improves communication.
If you and wife are so withdrawn from your relationship, why are you still together? Perhaps you need to sit down and think about that. Then, you need to give the list to your wife and tell her, this is why I am still married to you.
Ya… I can so relate to a lot of what is being talked about above!
I had two daughters back in 89 and 90. I had no problem getting back on track with my sexual life. I then got a divorce in 96 and remarried in 97.
In 98 I had my third daughter. I lost every desire to have sex from that moment on. It has been 9 years now and there is still NO change. What is a girl to do? I have heard and tried EVERYTHING!
I feel horrible for my sweet husband! I am truley blessed to have ended up with him in my life. He has stood by me and has no problem talking to me about my issues. He still tells me how beautiful and attractive I am and softly sweeps over my back with his hands while I’m half asleep.
If & when I ever find a cure for this issue… I will be sure to post it here for all you wonderful woman going through this terrible ordeal. No one should feel this way.
Here is a link that I found very interesting to read and gives great insight on the issue:
http://health.discovery.com/centers/womens/sexualhealth/healthysex_print.html
I hope all returns back to normal for you girls! Have a wonderful week!
I have a beautiful two year old son and a three month old daughter and a wonderful husband. He is not as slim or trim as he was when we married, but neither am I. I love him and I want to be intimate with him, but it has been most difficult.
With my first little one exhaustion made sex difficult for about a year, but then things improved. So much so that we now have a beautiful baby girl. With this little one I had a third degree tear and I am still sore after 3 months.
We fool around and snuggle and can engage in shallow intercourse but anything substantial is too painful. I have a tearing pain anytime we try. I am often not in the mood, but my loving husband tries so hard to get me there (massage, compliments) that I can’t help but be convinced. So an understanding gentle wooing husband is not the problem. I am nursing as well, but we use lots of lubricant so that is not as much of an issue. Maybe time is the only answer. But any help would be appreciated by both my husband and I.
I read all that was written specifically to me and I appreciate it. It has given me much to think about. I’m praying about our marriage and have hope that it can change. However, I’m sure I’m being very naivee. On the outside, talking about leaving my husband is the easy solution. For me, talking about it and actually doing it are two different things. The one form of advice I will be following up on right now is to get personal counseling for me. My husband doesn’t think we need any more counseling.
Once again, I thank each of you who wrote back to me with the advice.
I’m only 3 1/2 weeks into postpartum and want to have sex with my husband. Is it safe?
mama bear,
the same happened to me after the birth of my first child. I went to my OB/GYN to get it checked out. It turned out that my tear did not heal properly. I had to have another surgury to repair it, but it helped tons. It’s still not perfect, but we were able to enjoy nearly everything again, that is until I gave birth to my second. If you’ve not talked to your doctor, go see him/her. I was glad I did even though it meant more surgury and stitches again. At least I don’t hurt all the time anymore. I hope this helps you.
Christy, you are still in danger of infection until the sixth to eighth week, especially if the blood and mucous haven’t stopped.
Mama bear,
Improper healing of episitomy cuts and tears is more common than you might think. You may have been over/stiched or have funny scar tissue that needs to be removed and restitched. Please have your gynecologist take a look.
I left some comments above, and you asked if perhaps there is a breakdown in communication. I would say that of course there was at least some, how can a man, who physically NEEDS sex, go to his wife who has no desire and figure out whats going on? I was able to breach that wall by sending her the link to this page. Of course her answer was, “see, im not the only one”, to which i replied, “i never thought that you were the only one, i just want you to see this from both sides.” My wife still has no desire, and i guess i will just have to learn to live with that. It’s horribly frustrating for a man who sees his beautiful wife every day, and shares his bed with her, but not be able to touch her sexually. I agree with one thing that Bob said above: i would rather not have sex at all, than to try having sex when she has no desire. if its no there on her side, then i might as well be having sex with a blowup doll. I see no resolution to this any time soon, but at least i understand it better, and i know not to push her at all anymore.
Josh,
I don’t have time to reread the entire thread, but since you still seem at a loss for what to do, perhaps you should focus on *becoming* someone your wife wants to have sex with. It’s hard to feel sexy after a long day of work, either in the home or out of it. Those gears are not always easy to change, so you might have to work harder to romance her (and she might have to make more effort, as well).
In my case, I’d be all over my husband if he just once washed the dishes.
As our lives have changed, gotten busier and more complicated, the things that used to turn me on don’t always do it anymore. It’s practical stuff!
Perhaps something in your approach to your wife makes *her* feel like a blowup doll instead of a loving, equal partner?
I think the breakdown in communication involves more than just sex, if the only way you were able to broach this subject with your wife was by sending her an internet link, instead of simply speaking with her.
Have you considered marriage counseling?
Shani- This is thoughtful and clear. Maybe you should become a counselor.
Hermes,
Sleep is an even stronger drive than sex. That’s has nothing to do with a feminist agenda, it’s simple physiological fact for both men and women.
Other than your misogynist interpretation of feminism, your comment echoes things I and others have already said above. Do you have something to add?
The following comment was submitted from “Hermes” via an IP typically associated with spam. I have copied it below for your consideration.
“Kbaggot, you are feminist, yes? I feel that tone of much of your advice is agenda driven, and in an effort to further feminst social messages you are ignoring the wider issues that people are raising in this thread.
1. Men, really, really need to have sex with their wives.
I feel that you don’t take this fact seriously. It’s a REALLY big issue for men, and so by extension, for a loving couple too. Women must recognise this before suggesting that he do more housework, and be more seductive because these are not sure-safe remedies to the problem.
2. Many woman loose their sex drives temporarily after childbirth. It just happens. No amount of housework, seducing, communication and understand will bring it back in the short-term. It’s just an unfortunate reality for many couples.
3. These two facts are insoluble and will lead to marriage problems, (maybe really bad long term ones), unless both parties respect each others situation, doing as much as possible to keep their partner in positive spirits.
This may take the form of the following examples,
for a man: doing more house work, communicating and understanding, seducing, being very, very patient.
for a woman: understanding the man’s plight, don’t feel guilty, kiss him while he masturbates, don’t forget his needs, be aware of them.
This issue of sex after childbirth needs to be understood an respected from both sides for couples to pass through it in a positive way.”
My feeling is that the comment summarizes exactly what this whole discussion has been about without adding anything new except for attacking me for believing that men and women’s concerns and experiences are equal.
Shani and Kbaggot, yes I would like to add that this thread needs some balance, just like the issue of sex after childbirth.
After reading all the posts in this thread, I felt that the facts I mentioned were in danger of being blurred, and understated by a feminist discourse. So I summarised the thread, leaving out this discourse. This is a popular thread, I’m sure you’ve noticed; it tops google searches on the topic. I assumed that there will be many men reading this thread who feel alienated by the tone of the advice given.
Please, you must realise that not everyone agrees with feminism: and that doesn’t make them a misogynist or an attacker… Seriously, ‘If you’re not for us, you’re against us’??? I feel you’re playing into the negative stereotypes that many people have about feminism.
Hermes- You didn’t mention any facts in your original post, just opinions.
And, quite frankly, feminism has not been mentioned in this discussion until you brought it up.
But balance is all about equality and if you see your needs as superior to, or more important than your wife’s health, then you are against the basic fundamentals of marriage and relationships.
‘But balance is all about equality and if you see your needs as superior to, or more important than your wife’s health, then you are against the basic fundamentals of marriage and relationships.’
You still think I’m a misogynist? What,… what exactly did I say that gave you the impression that I see my sexual needs as more important than my wife’s health? Where did that come from?
I don’t believe feminism helps to solve the contradictions that exist between the sexes; I feel it exacerbates them, and or creates new ones, in addition to harming the very nature of each gender.
So you want facts to support my little old opinion.
In response to many of the comments posted by men in particular you unleashed unhelpful prejudices when attempting to help couples.
I will list the responses you gave that bothered me most.
1. To Colin
The post was obviously very offensive to mothers of young children; it confirmed the unspoken, primal fear that their provider will abandon them right when they need them most.
Unfortunately I feel you missed the real message behind this man’s post: he is bitter and regrets the self restraint he exerted in his youth because it was unrequited.
You instead, in your feminist inspired fury, launched into an attack, completely showing your own misguided understanding of a man’s libido. Kbaggot, it can not be understated how much men want to make love to their wives, (even when they are tired).
What you should have said was: Hey this guy didn’t work things out properly and look what happened to him, the poor fellow. The wife cheated on him, got all his money, took away his kids…
2. Richardo
What, what on earth made you feel the need to have to give this blogger advice on how to raise their kid? I thought it was hypocritical, ironic and mostly just very patronising. I have seen it time and time again the deep seated maternal insecurity that arises when a woman sees a man taking the traditional role of a women, raising a child. This reaction from a non-feminist woman doesn’t bother me at all, really. I understand the sight of a grown man looking after a baby must really shake the very identity of a woman. However coming from a feminist, someone who I assumed to be ‘above’ that kind of thing, I started to wonder. I suspected an unsavoury offshoot of this motherly distrust, the kind that has it’s roots in feminism, was motivating you and that bothered me because I know a lot of people take your advice seriously. Woman should trust men. (And men should trust women)
An unspoken irony of feminism is the intellectual hijacking and perversion of a natural, deep seated and earthy distrust of men IMO. This distrust shouldn’t be encouraged, couples need to get past it.
3. Colby
The guy sounded like a top guy, but still you had to get the message in there about big families being hard on women and that he should consider this, and a vasectomy ( it might sound to some like a specious front for pushing the great emasculator)
Maybe his wife is just not ready. End of story. Why do you have to push the case seemingly always, I feel, that men just aren’t doing enough? What about the wife, why not focus on her?
4. Phil
I once heard a line in an old movie, it went something like this: ‘when the marriage is on the rocks, the stones are in the bed!’
I feel you understated this old guy’s need to make love to his wife. I agree with you he seemed ill, but again you should have pointed to him as another example of what might happen if you don’t deal with this issue properly, with respect, effort and above all love. I gathered that he commented here because that is the message he wanted young people to take home. God bless him. I apologise, I don’t feel your feminism lead you astray on this response.
5. Hubby
OK, he didn’t contribute anything. So why did you have to say: ‘husbands who take an active role in childcare and housework find that their wives recover from their lost libido.’? That’s just false, because you didn’t say ‘eventually’, which is key to the advice. Without that qualifier, you seem to be surreptitiously sending the message that men ‘better work for it’ (which is itself a power entrenched feminist message). Saying the above without making it clear that it may have no immediate effect on her libido is dangerous, because it may confuse, disappoint and potentially anger many who are really at their wits end, under enormous stress dealing with the no sex issue.
Also, In opting to lash out at Hubby for his insensitive contribution you showed an unwise, insular feminist rhetoric which foolishly drives and sets the stage for more chauvinist responses to this thread.
6. Josh
So why didn’t you respond to any women bloggers so curtly and ask for their husbands side of the story?
7. Diane
Get another job – he might start beating you? C’mon, the guy’s got issues obviously but what gives you the right to suggest he’s about to start bashing the poor, stricken women. This seemed like an over reaction born of a feminist witch hunt against domestic violence.
So there you have my facts, well at least the reasons I had for suggesting that you were understating the points I made due to a feminist agenda, and so not giving readers comprehensive
advice.
However having said that I want to say that just because I think you weren’t giving comprehensive advice, doesn’t mean I think you were giving bad advice. Most of what you say is itself, wonderful and it was great coming here to find out how other people are dealing with this issue. Kbaggot, you obviously know your stuff about this issue, please don’t mistaken my responses as rejection of your knowledge. I simple don’t like part of the framework in which you present your good advice. I am sure you are a great mother and I see that many people respect and benefit from reading your blogs. Please keep up the good work!
Feminism is about equality for women. If you’re not in favor of that? It’s misogynist.
I’m not going to bother with the rest of your comments, because they are so absurd.
Hermes- Have you ever considered coming to live in the real world and reading what people actually say rather than what you read into it?
Shani – Oh dear… It’s an unfortunate forum where if you say you don’t like feminism, you are branded a misogynist.
Feminism is not about equality for women, it’s about much, much more. I suppose if you are to take me seriously I need to say I believe that women deserve most of the same opportunities as men, they should get the same pay blah blah blah…, they should be viewed as equal where it is in fact true (which is most of the time). OK? I believe women ought to be unimpeded to succeed in politics, sport, entertainment, the arts、the sciences. Listen, I have a daughter, and I want her to live a world where she has right to flower, and grow to her full potential what ever that may be. Every parent has ideas about what they would like their children to become、but mine, I assure are not premised on feminism, nor are they in anyway by extension based on misogyny. I never pressure her to play stereotypically ‘girl’ games; in fact I’m happy for her that she feels comfortable to play rough, boisterous games with boys as seems to be her nature. I always defend, and support her when well meaning relatives pressure her to do otherwise.
My comments aren’t worth addressing because they are absurd, hey? Well,… at least tell me why they are absurd.
Kbaggott – if what I wrote was all a gross misinterpretation, well… poor me, maybe. But, are you telling me, let me get this straight, that everything I wrote was without merit? Invalid? Completely off the mark? Please, be honest, but before you do, carefully consider what I said, and try to imagine that… I am not a misogynist!
Hermes, this site and this forum is a resource for families where the woman is recovering from childbirth.
Political, critical, social and religious discourse has not been a part of this discussion. MOre specifically, the rest of us have been discussion practical means of addressing specific hormonal, emotional and physical injuries women experience as a result of childbirth.
If you believe that an attack on feminism is in order, you might try a forum that has been created to address that particular topic.
Kbaggot, yes I agree, it’s not the right place. I made my initial comment out of a concern that many men, reading this thread may feel alienated by it. I wanted to bring balance to the thread. You asked for my reasons and I offered them. I understand this site is dedicated to the health of women, but this topic is a concern of both sexes, and if you google it, this thread appears near the top of the list. I just wanted you, as mediator, to be aware of your biases so as that you may help male readers take heart in your good practical advice, rather than feeling alienated by it. I’m sure you never intended to do that, that is: alienate men readers, and I hope I never gave you the impression that I felt you were indeed so malevolent, and I apologise, really, if I did make you feel like that. However, the discourse of feminism, unfortunately for you, alienates men. Sorry it’s a fact – but let’s just leave it at that, because I know this is not the place. I apologise and will say no more, forgive me.
I’m sorry, by ‘health of women’ – I meant ‘women’. Women’s health is obviously a concern of their husbands.
Wow, that is a long list of other Mommies that feel just the way that I do. With only the occasional jerk comment (Hubby). I feel sorry for you.
I have a 2 and 3/4 year old Autistic child, and a 3 month old who is nursing. My Husband is what you would call a Boobs Man, and can’t seem to understand why I don’t want him grabbing me all the time. I hate to be that way! But I think that all of you know how that feels! As far as sex, I am crazy about my Husband, but I too am stuck in labido destitution. Have been for what seems like 3 years now. I too thought that another pregnancy might change that, but nope. I have never felt so guilty in my life, and got the impression that my Hubby is almost to the point of being fed up with me…. He tried to use the tactic of “If it doesn’t happen soon, my demons might take over, and I don’t want them too…” Which he knew had backfired by the tears in my eyes. He apologized rather quickly. I will say though, to all of you other Mommies stuck in the same desert, this does come to an end. Your sex drive does come back, and it comes back better than ever. Understanding has to go both ways, maybe there are other ways to meet your hubbies half way. Such has the cuddling, although, that’s not even there for me…. Try taking a bubble bath together by candlelight, and see what happens. (Ibuprofen helps too…) If only loving conversations comes of it all, I think your hubbies would settle for just being warm, skin to skin, next to their beautiful wife. I wish the best of luck to you all, and don’t stress too much over any of this, it’s all obiously a normal part of recovering from what is the most painful thing we will ever go through. But our babies are soooo worth it. And to our Faithful Husbands, Hang in there, one day our sex drives will come back with a bang, and will be well worth the time lost. Remember, “In sickness, and in Health” We are a little fearful, and under the weather, and need our Husbands to be there for us. Healing comes a lot faster that way.
Take care
Bob, you sound like you still love your wife, but you are so frustrated, you don’t know what to do! I would say that, Most if not all Hubbies feel the same way that you do. Marriage has never been, nor will it ever be, about Sex. I could say that, as a Man, you don’t know what we go through, and you don’t… But, as a woman, it’s hard for me to understand why I can’t just “turn it on” like you, or any other man. What do you love about your wife? Is she a good Mother? Is she a good provider, is she there when you have a bad day, and just need your best friend. Sure, sex brings us in to a relationship, but what happens is someone get’s let’s say, seriously injured in an accident, and can no longer have sex. Does that mean that you leave them? No. You have to hang on to everything else that you love about her. Maybe she is overly focused on her job, it’s hard to say, without knowing her. Maybe you should take her on a vacation, just the two of you, or just a dinner. Tell her that you miss her, and why you love her, why you fell in love in the first place. I Have to give you kudos though, for not straying on your wife, that takes a bigger man. My parents have been married for just over 30 years, and they have had their ups and downs, but they hang on to each other, because their love goes so much deeper than pettiness. Sex is not the only way to show someone that you love them.
Diane, Kbaggot, and Samantha,
Thank God Diane, that we have this website, I was absolutely FLOORED when I read your blog. What the Hey? Sweety, NO ONE deserves to be treated so badly. I hope that you are OK, and that you are able to either get help, or to leave that situation. As a Mother, divorced and now remarried to a Wonderful man (with issues of course, no one is perfect for sure) I have learned that children tend to grow up as a product of their environment. YOU, as the Mother, (which is God in the eyes of their children) have the ability to form and mold them. You would be surprised at just how much the pick up on, and remember. My 14 yr old, forgot to put him in my first blog (bad Mommy, sorry bubb)remembers my first husband throwing things at me, and he was 4. As a Father, he should be setting a Healthy example for his little ones… How is tearing you down, showing them how treat their Mom? There is sooo much out there for you, so many Mommies, who will watch out for you. Leaving my Ex, was the best thing that I could have done for my son. My Ex and I learned a lot from that, he hurt, I hurt, but our son is seing a Healthier relationship, because we no longer fight. His step Dad, is HUGE in his life as well. God brought a better Husband for me, and I am truly Thankful. You are the only person who can take care of you. I know that Divorce is an ugly scary word, but outside of help, that may be your only option. You have to believe in yourself, and I think that you need help to be able to do that. Believe me, I needed it too. I hope again, that you are OK, I didn’t see any other notes.
My wife brought up the same thing as stated above by Shani, that if I were to do more chores around the house, help with the kids more, then she would find that attractive and a turn on. Well… I have been doing that, consistently, and it has gotten me no where. And you want to tell me about how tired you are after a hard day’s work? I get up at four, leave for work at 4:50, get to work at 6:30, get off work at 4:00pm if im lucky, then get home at 6:00pm, again, if im lucky. I am the only one in my home that works, because i dont want my wife to have to worry about providing financial income, and she wants to be a stay at home mom. As you can see, by the time i get home, ive been up for 14 hours, all of which was either dealing with traffic or at work. When i get home, i try to take a shower so i wont interrupt putting our youngest to sleep, and i spend time with the kids and my wife. I help with the baths, I help with dinner, I take care of any bills that have to be paid, and then i go to bed at 11. Please do not tell me that i need to help more around the house, because i am doing that. I just want to know what can be done to help my wife and i get a real sex life again. i dont know if its from breastfeeding, or a hormone imbalance, or what. I agree with hermes, all the opinions on this have been in support of the wife’s needs, but what about the husbands? what about the caring, patient, helping husbands? obviously none of us are perfect, but when husbands like me put SO MUCH effort into being understanding, why cant my our wives put at least SOME effort into some physical affection? it doesnt even have to be sex. My wife wont kiss me unless shes going to bed, and she NEVER hugs me, rubs my shoulders, holds me in bed, nothing! There is no effort on her part, and she seems perfectly fine with that, and THAT is what is driving me insane.
Josh,
I can see you are feeling alone in your marriage. That is not okay, in spite of the fact that your wife may be suffering from some post-partum issues (I don’t know how old your kids are).
I am lucky enough to be married to a wonderful, wonderful man, and he also works an awful lot as he owns his own business. He helps out at home, but I do take my responsibility as the one at home pretty seriously. Because we have a four-month old, I can’t always stay caught up on the laundry, etc., but I try to have hot meals ready for him most of the time, and I rarely refuse him a request for a back rub or some cuddles.
Our sex life is probably the best it has ever been – aside from my second trimester, when I was hornier than a 19-year old boy…The reason for this is not that I am “back to normal” sexually. It is still very tender at first, every time, as I guess my tissue is still healing/adjusting to some slight changes from the birth. So that part we take slowly. I am also slower to orgasm, and so we have purchased a battery operated device that can be holstered onto the man, allowing me to achieve the big “O” while on top.
All of this is great, but I don’t always feel like having sex when we agree to do it. This is not because my husband puts me under any pressure at all, which he does not – often he is as tired as I am uninspired, so we tend to balance each other out. What we are doing when we agree to have a little afternoon “quickie” is making time for intimacy because even when we don’t feel like doing it, onec we have, our connection is stronger. We are both shy people, as well, and while it can be hard to open up and be free with one another (even after 12 years), the more we do it anyway, the easier it gets.
May I suggest that you show this blog to your wife, to give her a few perspectives? I will also add that aside from being an at-home Mom for now, I have an occupation outside of the home. I secured that before we had a child, because I think it is crucial to a Mom’s well-being to have an identity outside of the home. That doesn’t mean it’s not okay to be full-time at home, but I think a woman should always have one foot in the community, be it through volunteer work, a moms and tots group, a small business, job or whatever. That way, when her kids go off to school she won’t find herself sitting there wondering what to do with herself – or worse: where her self went!
Good luck to you, Josh. Perhaps when your wife understands that it is mostly about you just missing her (and of course sex is a crucial extension of this), she will soften and make more of an effort.
Hi Josh,
My Husband and I are in the same exact situation over here, I am a stay at home Mom as well. May I ask how old your little one is? I can understand your frustrations, you have probobly been used to receiving a lot of affection from your wife. I can only explain to you from a womans perspective, so I hope that it might be helpful. My Husband works 2 jobs 7 days a week, and twice a year for 2 months, he has school with homework as well. I too, have had a hard time “Getting back in to the swing of things”. My Husband was trying to be open about his feelings, and was also trying to let me know that he finds me beautiful, by touching me, and asking for intimacy all the time. When I was too tired, and would say “No honey, not tonight”, he would give a heavy sigh, and role over. Granted, just like him, I was running on fumes. You see, staying at home is a lot of work too. I don’t have hours, I have naps at night. My baby is up every 3 hours. So I go to bed around 11, get up at 1am, 4am, 5:30 with my Husband, and than my baby is usually up by 7am. And I’m up until 11pm. My 3 year old is Autistic, so I have a lot of work on my hands just with my boys. Plus a 14 year old in Marching band. Than I also have Laundry for 5 people, dishes, vacuuming, dusting, organizing the bills, and nursing, every 3 hours. Somedays are very foggy. Nursing has a lot to do with lack of interest in sex for Mommy’s, where they were love pillows, they are now an open bar (if you will) for a new baby. I became even less interested in sex, because I felt guilty for my Husbands unhappiness, plus I felt fear of pain from just having a baby. The world felt like it was crashing down, all over sex. If you want your wife to respond to you, try using understanding. She carried a child for you, that you both created together. Sex may slow down, (or stop) for a bit, while her life is crazy, but when she gets back in to her normal routine, intimacy will increase back to normal again. She needs you right now, and sex isn’t how she releases her stress. Try to understand what giving birth is like for a woman…. It feels like EVERYTHING is shredded, and seeing as that is not an area exposed to dry, it takes forever to heal. Let’s say you have an open cut on your Testicles, and she loves dirt bikes, but the thought of sitting on a bouncing, bumpy ride, just isn’t holding the same excitement for you…. Kind of the same feeling if you will… She will respond faster, to understanding, than pressure… I want you to know though, I do understand what you and other men go through. Intimacy is how you show your love and affection, and it is also a release of stress. Things will smooth out, don’t loose faith in your wife….
For both comments from new mom and samantha: we have three children, the oldest is seven, the middle is two and a half, and the youngest is eight months. I understand the issues with pain and everything immediately after and even a few months after giving birth, but it has been 8 months now, and things are no better. I have had my wife look at this blog already, and all that did was reinforce her belief that i am being unreasonable.
Josh,
Your sex drive must be amazing if you still have the energy after working/commuting/preparing to work for 14 hours a day, spending time with your kids, conversing with your wife and helping out with the housework. My schedule is similar with endless drudgery and demands and not sleeping through the night (I often write this blog at 5 am) and sex doesn’t even cross my mind until the weekend, and that’s a considerable improvement over the first year and a half after my youngest child was born.
The statistics say that it can take TWO years for a couple’s sex life to recover after the birth of their FIRST child. I suspect you should add a few months after the birth of each additional offspring.
Obviously, your sex life is higher on your priority list than it is for your wife, but what else does sex mean that could be interfering? You’ve already said that you and your wife can’t communicate on the subject, so let’s do a littly thinking about what the other problems could be.
I can only talk about my own experience.
After not sleeping through the night for more than 5 years, I get pretty jealous of the fact that my husband gets uninterrupted sleep. It isn’t petty jealousy. Some days I feel like I am going to die if I don’t get to sleep and my poor kids will be left with my husband who doesn’t even hear them cry.
Not only is the sleep jealousy hard to take, but I live with a complete absense of romantic stimuli. Women who get a chance to watch a soap opera or read a Harlequin romance actually get their embers stoked, waiting for their husbands to get home. I’m not into either soaps or romance novels and never had any interest when I did have the time. My husband, like many others, has suggested porn to help fill the gap, but that goes too far in other directions. It’s not romantic, and, what I’ve seen is not about pleasure. There’s no contact with the clitoris on the screen, for example, the woman always gets disrespected with ejaculate and unkind words. My husband wouldn’t watch the same things with me and not even see those details because the mechanism works differently. Adding a little fear and disgust to a low-sex situation doesn’t improve things.
There is erotica that appeals to women, I used to have the energy to seek it out, but I was single then.
And let’s face it, stay at home moms have it worse than those of us who work. I get to go to work, be a grown up, discuss what’s happening in the world and in other people’s lives. The Poky Little Puppy, the Incy Wincy Spider and stepping on stray pieces of lego can kill even the strongest desires.
You’ve never mentioned the kids’ grandparents or an aunt or uncle. Is there anyone you could leave the kids with for a weekend to get some time away? Not necessarily time for sex, but time to actually get to know each other again?
If you can’t get away for a weekend, how about a few hours on a SUnday for a marriage retreat? I know about it from a Roman Catholic perspective, but I don’t think you have to belong to the faith to participate. Basically, it’s intense counselling for couples who would never consider getting divorced. They give you strategies for coping with all marriage problems (beside church and prayer) but you have to be really open to talking and listening to each other. I think you are open. Your wife may not be open to sex at the moment, but do you think you could convince her to be open to changing bad situations?
Damn, wrote too much and now I have to get work.
Just a few thoughts…
BTW I am doing much better at 4 mo postpartum than I was at 3.
After my first little one for the first year I had almost constant yeast infections. I had never had one before so I did not know what it was that made me hurt so bad. When they finally cleared up. My sex drive returned. Gentlemen if your wife has a yeast infection it is extremely painful and harmful to have sex. If that is the case then treatment will help.
Also extreme stress will make a woman go into survival mode and sex will just about be at the bottom of the list. So if she has PPD (postpartum depression) that will make things difficult. Or as in my case extreme financial distress that makes sex even more difficult.
That said, Ladies if you have a loving husband and you are hurting or just to stressed to have sex, hugs and kisses never hurt. Love on your man in every way that you can and still be comfortable. Let the kiddies sleep and go to another room and just hug… Kiss… talk. Tell him how much he means to you. Give him a back rub. If you are stressed sometimes this can be so helpful just to connect in this way.
Also gentlemen, try to tell your wife before she is ready to fall into bed that you would like to cuddle. It is so hard for a woman who is already sore, and tired to then be affectionate with out any notice. If she has some notice she may put the kids to bed and try to get herself in “the mood.”
Josh,
I hear you bother; 8 months and still waiting- that’s tough, I feel for you. You’re the model of a good family man – doing everything you can to make it all work out.
This is going to sound a bit harsh but, I think you need to accept the fact:
you just aren’t going to get any lovin’ from your wife for a while.
Keep being a good husband and father and eventually things will improve. It’s as simple as that. You sound like you’re a good man with your priorities in order. You just gotta bite the bullet. Don’t become bitter like some of the other poor guys, who’ve written here – you’ll ruin your life. Be patient, keep communicating with your wife and don’t be ashamed to masterbate!
By the way, I think your wife needs to see your needs as more important; you are not being unreasonable – you just want to make love, right??!! You’re wife is not ready, fair enough, but she’s out of order (in my opinion) saying that you are being unreasonable – that’s not fair and I can see how being told that would make any good husband feel misunderstood, and ignored. For some, in the absence of any lovin’ it’s like salt in the wound, perhaps.
I’ll say it again: Men really want to make love to their spouses. Women must understand the gravity of this desire, even if they don’t share it, and they have to respect these feelings; if they don’t, they should expect relationship problems.
That said, boys, if she doesn’t wanna do it… bad luck.
Be patient and keep being a good spouse by being supportive, positive, communicative and all that.
As you can see my opinion is: a sex life in the months following childbirth is wrought with problems – it’s an inescapably, trying experience for both men and women who love each other. It’s hard work and can only be overcome healthily through respecting one another’s state of mind, and doing as much to alleviate each other’s respective stresses, whilst pursuing (and without ignoring) one’s own lifestyle – a lifestyle that is commensurate with the fundamental values on which marriage (and long term, mature relationships) are founded upon.
The above applies to either of the sexes, I think it can be agreed. I, however, want to speak for men as I feel they are still a little under-represented here.
A man who wants to make love to his wife in the months following child birth is not unreasonable; desires aren’t reasonable, perhaps unfortunately: they just are. The way husbands act on their feelings can be deemed unreasonable – expecting, and putting pressure on a woman to make love when she physically is just not up for it is, in my opinion, unreasonable because it’s asking too much. Doing so in this case violates the tenets of marriage – it’s selfish and uncaring.
That said, a woman MUST respect the weight a man must bare, in order to restrain these primal, and in no way bad, desires. Although she might not actively think about sex in the way she used to, by making herself receptive to the idea of love making, letting go and relaxing as some women have mentioned, she will at least show to her husband the inescapable, natural reality of her body – at the very least she will show to her husband that she is physically not there sexually, which is an honest and communicative move. Any man who witnesses this generous, and loving gesture and still remains openly frustrated and demanding, after feeling his spouse’s empty sexual core, tenderly given – well, he needs to apologise to his wife for not controlling himself and making her feel rotten with his inappropriate behaviour.
At best if a women makes herself more receptive to sex, she might find (Land ahoi) that she actually likes it – and boy’s, we all know what that means!
i don’t understand sex after irth i had no problem with going without sex for months and my fiance hated it but now i want it all the time and he doesn’t is that normal?
sorry i didn’t get to say my whole story…well my daughter is 11 months old and as read before i want sex and he doesn’t i can go anywhere from every 3 days to every 3 weeks, he says hes just not in the mood when before i had my daughter i could touch him and he would be eating outta the palm of my hand, it makes me feel like less of a woman…i don’t know if this is normal will my sex life ever be better or am i doomed for life
How long is normal for my wife to wait? It’s been 13.5 months and shes still not interested at all.
John, I don’t know if there is a “normal.” There’s whatever is right for each person. Have you discussed the issue with your wife? There can be many reasons why someone isn’t interested in sex, but communication is key here (as in most aspects of marriage and parenthood). Personally, it can be hard to feel interested in sex when I’m exhausted from a long day of work/childcare.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
I am so relieved to find so many examples of women not feeling like having ANY sex for many months postpartum. My baby boy is now 6 months old and my once rampant sex drive (right up to giving birth) is still completely absent. This has caused major problems in our relationship as my partner – although incredibly helpful wiith the baby chores – is very unhappy about not getting any sex. I am also not too bothered about doing lots of cuddling – which would help us stay bonded and close – as my body seems ‘over-sensitized’ (yes, I am still breastfeeding) at all times and any additional sensations are not comfortable or even highly irritating. I have stopped feeling bad about it now as there is nothing I can do other than wait although I can see how upsetting and frustrating it is for my partner. But if I pretended otherwise I would be untruthful to myself and resent sex/him even more. Can anyone tell me whether the cuddling instinct comes back sooner than the sex drive? (The advice someone else gave n one of the earlier emails about relaxing into the ‘let’s make love’ mood and trying to let things evolve first mentally and then physically is not working for me I am afraid.)
Again, thanks all for making me feel a lot better about still being a libido-less mum for the time being.
Ilona- I am glad you feel better. I am sure you’ve noticed in the other comments that this is a huge issue for a lot of couples and it can become a deeply hurtful situation.
Even if you don’t feel like spooning right now, I hope you find some kind of contact with your husband that makes you feel good. Even if it is just knowing that you can talk to each other about anything, any time, is can be deeply reassuring and keep you connected until your libido returns.
It has been about 4 years since my wife had our first (have two 4 year old and a 1 and a half) since my wife has been intimate, interested, whatever. Kisses, shoulder rubs, interest in me, sex has basicly gone.
I am not asking for much, I would just like for my wife (wife?) to show me that she cares and is interested in me!!! Yes I like sex and would love it as it is one of the ways my wife used to show that she was interested, in love with, and attracted to me!!!! I guess that is not to be anymore! So how long should I wait?? 20 years like one of the poor souls above??
I am frustrated as you might be able to tell and very upset about this. I have tried numerous times to speak with my wife about this subject to get a “get over it” type response.
I think I just might?
After all her day is not so stressful. She wakes at around 730 to take the one to school and the other to a mothers day out deal which goes till about 2pm. In between then she does ??? which makes her so extremely tired???? She goes to bed around 9-10pm and I help with the children and chores.
Has anybody else had their relationship recover from this?? Will hse recover?? How long should I wait? I have been wanting to get some marriage counseling but she doesn’t seem very interested?? I guess our marriage isn’t that important?? I hope that some of you understand this and try to be a little more understanding with your husband!! I also think thatsome of you might want to do some self evaluation and realize that your life is not tooo stressful to pay attention to your husband!
I think I am not so sympathetic since my days are much longer then hers are and I still help with the children when I’m home durring the day and at night! I have seen her “stressfull” days of her laying on the couch taking cat naps and then getting a good nights sleep (our children sleep throught the night), be awake and alive until it comes time to show me some attention!
Sorry Jman, I can’t say anything of value regarding your sex life.
I don’t know anyone who lives the way you say your wife does, but I imagine it isn’t a very stimulating life, sexually, intellectually, emotionally, or socially. Combined with the sleeping habits you describe, it sounds like she might be depressed. Or, at least, deeply unhappy.
Not that you sound happy or enthused either. You haven’t mentioned anything about love for your wife or children, and you don’t seem to have found any joy in fatherhood itself.
While to you, the lack of sex is the problem, from your wife’s side the sexual withdrawl is probably a response to whatever the real marital problem might be.
Obviously, if your wife has no interest in counselling, she has no interest in your marriage. You can go alone to talk through some of your frustration, or you can make an appointment and give her an ultimatum. Either you go to work on your problems or you go to uncover the reasons why you have to break up. It’s hard, heart-breaking work, but it has to be done if either of you want to be successful parents together or separately.
Jman – I hear a couple of things from your second-last post…firstly, I don’t think you should diminish that your wife is tired after a day at home with the kids, even if there is a break or two where she is without them. If she is depressed, as the other lady suggested, then she will feel exhausted regardless of how busy she is. In addition, while there can seem to be a lot of free space in her day from your perspective out of the home, her role is a taxing one, and sometimes an isolating one, and it can be a much bigger challenge to her sense of self than she may even realize.
That said, anyone in a partnership has a responsibility to be consistent and willing in regard to self-examination, and even self-improvement, as pertains to that partnership. It sounds like your wife feels like you don’t understand her (which to some degree may be the case, though I don’t think it’s for lack of desire to do so). However, she needs to be accountable for that in part, by trying to help you understand what she thinks you’re missing. This is really hard for some women, who have been conditioned to believe that men are kind of a different species, and also to believe that they should be able to read minds, and if they don’t it’s interpreted as a lack of committment or interest.
So you see, I’m not unsympathetic to your plight. But I think there are a lot of underlying issues that need to be addressed in order for you two to get back to a place where intimacy is a comfortable part of the picture. I think you need to TELL your wife that you don’t want to give up on the marriage, but that you need her to want things to get better. You need her to engage in awakening herself as part of the partnership, and to make an effort in helping you to understand her. You both have to be willing to challenge and analyze your beliefs about how the other operates. We are not always right when we assume how our partner feels or whether they support us in their heart of hearts.
I think you have a bit of a hill to climb, but if you can get her to engage in some work through an agreement to renew your relationship (and counseling could help if you’re both willing), there just might be a great ohysical relationship at the top of it for you.
One last thing: The sex drive of a woman just isn’t the same after giving birth(even eight months later). My libido is virtually nil. That said, if I decide to do it anyway, it can be enjoyable, because my husband and I have a real heart-to-heart connection.
I don’t know how long it takes for the sex drive to change physiologically, but all of the things I mentioned above are imperative if you want to break down her mental barriers around it.
I have read both your post Samantha and Kate and there are some very good points!
I just wanted to say thank you again!