Lost Libido? Normal Sex After Childbirth
January 4, 2007 by kate baggott
Filed under Mental Health
Sex. I hate talking about it, but “new mother + sex” is a rather popular search term on the Internet. This is an era when a feminist should be able to talk about anything. I imagine many searchers are new mothers who are wondering when desire will return, when they will be able to relax and not think about what had to be stitched back together. Other searchers are probably men, like my husband, who will find the one or two references that contradict the conventional wisdom of waiting 6 to 8 weeks after the birth.
These men really need to start getting up in the night with their babies. Then, they will be too tired to even think about sex either. They also might find that their wives and children like them more, that they are truly engaged in family life.
On the other hand, after our first was born, my husband said that the new baby made him feel so emotional, so full of love, that romance seemed like a natural extension to what he was feeling. With our second child, he just hid out at work until most of the hard work was done each day.
It is normal not to feel like doing it after you’ve had a baby. Getting up at night, breastfeeding, fear of getting pregnant again too soon and feeling used all contribute to a seriously deflated libido. And, really, wanting to get your groove back is admirable, as long as you’re doing it for yourself. I am not sure that any relationship benefits from “OK, I’ll do it for you” sex.
Or does it?
So much about giving birth and becoming a mother does pitch us into something primal, something traditonal, something role-ish that can make sex feel like a duty. Many relgious women from a variety of faiths have been taught that sex is just another duty to be performed. And, long term breastfeeding is returning from medical exile, from a time when doctors advised women to put their babies on bottles of forumla 6 to 8 weeks after birth so that she would again be sexually available to her husband, who in return, wouldn’t abandon the family, leaving them dependent on the state.
While I think a sexless period after the birth of a child is normal, many women still feel guilty that they just don’t feel like it. Still others feel pity for their poor, sexually-deprived partners. Both those emotions certainly don’t appeal to my libido.
What do you think is normal? What would you tell a close friend who asked? If you don’t want to leave a comment, check out the poll on the side bar.
I tried to leave another comment but for some reason it is not working?
Thank you
6.5 months and still going..my wife went from wanting sex all the time tell i cant remember when the last time she came on to me was.. We are a younger couple 23 and 21. I can’t see my sex life being over at age 23. I read some of the other comments and i dont think self esteem is a problem she has a great body. men comment on it all the time and hit on her. She just says she doenst have the drive or desire like she used too…I do does it get better or is that part of our life just over?
Justin- It is not over! Have a little faith in love. Have a little faith in yourself and in your wife.
Great body? Tell her!
Exhaustion? Help her.
Remember, the brain is the most powerful sexual organ. Try to stimulate her there. Conversation is closeness, closeness is intimacy and intimacy often leads to sex. If you can put your energy into communicating with your wife, listening with both ears and talking with an open heart, the romance does not die. You don’t have to talk about “sex” or “issues” but about your lives lived separately and making them one family life.
I wish you all the best.
Our kids are 4 and 2.5 years old. I still like sex 2-3 times weekly, and my wife used to also, but now says she prefers 2-3 times yearly! However, we had sex about once a month for the past 5 years. I have tried to be extremely patient for these years, but it’s very hard!
Here’s a fictional analogy that explains how I feel: imagine that after marriage you can eat food only with your spouse, and you don’t want to eat with anyone else, anyway. Your spouse is your lifelong food-mate. Food is to be shared in private and with your spouse. For example, it would be terrible to eat in a restaurant. You could eat a protein pill in secret sometimes. OK, once you accept the strange premise, here’s the situation. You and your spouse liked to eat 2-3 meals a day when you married. But now your spouse’s appetite has decreased to the point of only wanting 2-3 meals a week–enough to physically survive without starving, but so infrequent that you feel hungry 80-90% of the time (Remember: you only eat when your spouse eats.). Food was not the only important thing in your marriage before, but now it becomes your constant obsession. You would think about your hunger much of the time. You might be very patient and never complain to your spouse. Or you might nag. Or you might think about seeing someone else with whom to eat together. Or you might suggest a marriage counselor or doctor or books on the problem. Or you might divorce. Or you might try concentrating on work or kids or activities to distract you from hunger. That’s pretty much how I feel and the solutions I’ve considered. I love my wife and would sacrifice a lot to make her happy and to keep my dream of a family. But would you live for years (or forever?) eating 2-3 times a week to keep your marriage intact?
I hope that more research will be done on this problem and possible solutions. It seems that there is some biological basis in addition to the sleep, communication, and stress problems with kids. (As an analogy, it used to be believed that stress caused ulcers. But now it’s known that a bacteria in the stomach is the cause, not stress.)
But, for now, there doesn’t seem to be a good solution. Our kids are great, but I would, sadly, advise every single person not to have kids or get married: just have a boyfriend or girlfriend so that you can leave when he/she changes drastically from when you met. This pain has been too much.
But, given that we are now already married and have kids, what can we now do as husbands or wives? My wife, for example, refuses to read a book or see a marriage counselor. She said that she knows how she feels in her heart, and nobody could help or change her. Her solution was to force herself to have sex once a week or two. She asked me not to try to stimulate or romance her. I appreciate her sacrifice, but it feels unsustainable, disturbing, and unsatisfying to me. I love her and want us both to be happy like we used to be. I’ve tried the common suggestions: help with housework (we have a live-in maid. I also offered to shop for food, but my wife has high standards [i.e., is picky] and insists on doing it and other household things herself–this may contribute to her stress, despite having a maid), communicate (we talk openly, as far as I can tell; but she refused to see a marriage counselor, which would have facilitated even better communication), show love (flowers, cards, “I love you”). None of these re-awakened her desire to have sex or even to hug me, thus I think that there’s a significant biological (hormonal, brain re-wiring, etc.) component, which, unfortunately, is still beyond scientific knowledge.
Most importantly: If you lost your sex drive after kids, has it returned yet or not (and how old is your youngest child)? Was there anything you noticed that caused the return? Is there anything you or your husband could have done to hasten the return?
Best wishes
hey
I’m a mother of 2. (3 yrs and 6mths) I do not feel like having any sex with my husband of 10years. I really don’t know why but I think this situation is causing some issues b/w both us. During my pregnancy I had to stop having sex because of complications. I ask him to be romantic but he has not done so yet because he feels that as his wife I should want to have sex. Don’t get me wrong he is a wonderful father and a husband. I think is just that as a man we has need unfortunately I can’t meet those needs yet and I’m not sure if I will ever be able. When I first met my husband I was a size 0 now I’m a size 8 or 10. (wowowowo right?) I love my husband very much and I don’t want to loose him but I don’t know what to do? b/w breastfeeding, working full time, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids I just don’t feel want to have sex. Should I fake it? please help
There’s no one right way, but you might tell him how you feel and remind him that it’s common for new mothers to feel too busy and focused on the kids to desire sex. Direct him to this forum or others as evidence. Assure him that you love him, and that your sex drive has taken a hit due to motherhood, not due to him. Then you might suggest that he help you relax and be more likely to be in the mood by doing more of the cooking, cleaning, and childcare himself, being romantic (tell him specifically what you like since men are pretty bad mindreaders), and having date nights without the kids. You can sometimes give him oral sex if you’re not in the mood for having sex yourself. Sometimes you can start sex and see if your desire develops as you go along. I wouldn’t fake it since that’s not honest, but tell him you’ll try to satisfy him sometimes because you love him if he goes halfway to help you get in the mood for sex. Ask for constant communication about what you and he like.
Great points Larry. Thanks for bringing an understanding male voice into the discussion.
I also think it’s important for men to take the initiative in making some couple time. I am not ready to go to the marriage bed right after the kids fall asleep.
I need some transition time and normal adult conversation. My husband can certainly help provide that.
This had been a really hot topic for my husband, too, and I think he got really jealous of the attention that our son was getting from me (especially the breastfeeding attention — I didn’t wean until our son was a bit over two years old — and don’t regret a moment of it, frankly!)
I think the big problem for many mothers — new or not — is that we tend to be working so hard, between kids, housework, and our paid employment that we’re just so tired at the end of the day it’s hard to want anything more than just going to bed. And when I get out of the habit of having sex, I don’t tend to miss it (since I’ve gotten used to not having it.)
But I will remind you that the thing about sex is that the more you have, the more you tend to want. (Assuming it’s good, of course!)
So if you want to get that part of your relationship started again, then start slow, and use some props if needed (try masturbating, or read smut, or watch pornos or something — whatever you think might help), and see if that can jump start things a bit. And remind your husband that you’ll need some “convincing” — you need him to help you be interested in it. Whether that means a romantic evening out for just the two of you, or a champagne and a foot rub — whatever does it for you. Try to help him with some ideas, though.
And it might not hurt to gently remind him that if you have less to do (read: he helps out more) you’ll have more energy for giving him what he needs after the kids are in bed.
Best of luck!
Larry’s food analogy is a good one. I would add one extra line – you only get to eat when your spouse is hungry, you have no control over mealtimes.
I love my partner, when we have sex it’s not wild but it is still wonderful. But the rationing drives me crazy. Each meal leaves me hungrier then ever. She says she now worries when we do have sex because it will make me want it even more.
She says she is very lucky in every other way – when our ten month old child wakes in the night I’m the one who gets up to comfort her. I get up at 6am to bring her to the bed for her morning feed. I stay in when my partner goes out with her friends – we each go out at two or three times a month seperately, and two or three times together.
Everything else in our life is just couldn’t be better…
But I’m always hungry for the sex life we used to enjoy. The need is always there, there is nothing I can do about it. I wish I could change that and we could both relax. I feel guilty (the man is always in the wrong in this situation). If I say anything about it it doesn’t help, just makes her feel bad, which is the opposite of what I want.
But I think things are slowly getting better. I hope our life is not like Larry’s.
Ian — it sounds like you’re really approaching it the right way, and let me validate you here: it also sounds like you’re being an awesome dad and partner!
Looking back, the first year is the hardest — in every way. Sometimes it’s hard to hear that it might take a year or two, but in the big picture, that’s really not such a long time. My son’s two-and-a-half now, and things are *so* much easier in every way! He sleeps better, he’s more independent at entertaining himself…OK, he’s into more things, too, but he’s also learning which things he needs to leave alone.
So hang in there! It’ll start getting better soon! I promise. If you can stick through the first year, you’ll see major improvement soon.
I don’t know how your partner feels about nursing, but I loved it. (This is relevant, really.) I just had the revelation recently that I think my husband feels about sex the way I felt about nursing — it’s wonderful and close, and feeds a part of you, and you don’t miss it unless you’re not getting any. (I didn’t realize this until after I weaned my son.) So maybe if you talk to your partner about it, and relate it to that — if she likes nursing — she might be better able to understand what it means to you.
On the other hand, she might still be just too tired to be able to make time for it — I know I was for most of the first year.
Best of luck!
Thanks Arwyn, I’m sure the nursing comparison is a good one, but maybe she won’t be able to understand it fully until she stops – at which point I’m very much hoping her other needs will become much stronger anyway!
I’m not so awesome – it can upset me that she has time and energy for German classes, and last week went out dancing till 2am. I really have to fight the urge to resent this when she doesn’t make time to give me her sweet loving!
But (and here I’m with Larry, and maybe we’re getting into controversial territory) I have a feeling that low libido is much less to do with things like tiredness and men not helping out than it appears to be.
There are plenty of times when it’s 8pm, our girl is sleeping, and my partner is full of energy for any kind of activity except sex. It just isn’t a priority for her.
I can be the perfect man all day and she’ll say “I’m sorry, I just don’t feel amorous.”
Other times we might fall out, I express my feelings inappropriately and we’re not friends for a few hours, then we make up and have good sex!
I don’t feel how I behave makes much difference to her sexual desire. It seems to be a biological thing, and I just have to respect that.
And anyway I’m not sure that implying sex will be a reward for doing the housework is altogether healthy for a relationship. There is a danger of feeling that sex is part of a transaction.
Men should do their share because it is reward in itself and the right thing to do, not because they expect to get something in return. It’s all about everything being freely given.
Ian- Just so there is no misunderstanding, I don’t think anyone is suggesting that sex is had in return for housework. I think they’re suggesting that lightening the load of responsibility on your partner leaves some energy for other things.
I think there are very few of us who, after 3 weeks CRAVE the intimacy of sex. My husband and I had a great sex life before our child, a decent one during pregnancy, and I’m so ready for him. But, it’s him who suggests I wait till my 6 week visit. I’ve already told him that my cervix is already closed and all stitches healed and that I’ve stopped bleeding like a week ago. This is frustrating me fiercly. I can understand what it’s like for most husbands, lol.
Lisa, there ARE very few of you! Good for you for somehow keeping hold of your libido. I have befriended some other new moms & their babies through a Mommy & Me Boot Camp which is run in my area (I HIGHLY recommend this if you have something similar in your community; I am losing inches and pounds and maintaining my post-partum sanity by getting out, being active and talking with other moms)…a few of us had a good chat about sex the other day and NONE of us feel like doing it AT ALL!!! That said, as I’ve posted previously, I do it and even initiate it anyway. It is an important part of feeling close to us for our men, I think (even when it seems to be a much baser need), and if they can meet us halfway with lots of snuggling and cuddling the rest of the time, I think it’s a good compromise. I think my hubby and I are managing to do it about once a week.
In spite of my lack of general drive, when we do do it I enjoy the penetration more now than I did before. It just feels different somehow. I have never been one to have an O from penetration but it’s almost that good…
Anyway, I feel for you men who are frustrated, but the person who posted the comment about waiting a couple of years is right. It’s probably so hard for you to understand, but imagine the practicality of nature at work here; if we WANTED to have sex right after the baby was born, it would certainly increase the chances of us having more babies at a very fast rate…
Surely you’d rather keep the numbers reasonable!
LOL.
Thanks everyone for your comments, I thought I was the only person feeling like this! My husband and I had an incredible sex life before the baby. Now she is almost 7 mo and it’s been about a year since we had decent intercourse. I have sex just to please him but I have absolutely NO desire for it and it never feels good at all anymore. I’m still physically attracted to him, and we’ve tried EVERYTHING to try to get me in the mood – lube, wine, dirty mags and movies, mutual masterbation… you name it. I’m not stressed or tired – my kid sleeps through the night till 9 am every morning and i get to stay at home with her and not work, and my husband even helps out and gives me a break when he comes home from work. I’m really hoping it’s just the BP pills, micronor – I took my last one tonight, so we’ll see. It might also be the breastfeeding – she still nurses very frequently and I read that subconsciously that might be fulfilling my need for intimacy. Might be true because I really love it, it’s like getting a massage and it definitely releases some stress-relieving hormones. It just really sucks because I worked really hard to not let myself go during and after the pregnancy – i’m back to my normal weight and i must say i look great, no stretch marks, nice full breasts (thanks to the breastfeeding! i know they won’t last for long…) I wish i could take advantage of it cause i’m not gonna be young for much longer.
I want to say a very big thank you to Kate and all the contributors to this strand. This is obviously a massive problem in the world which is not being properly addressed and for which people are not properly prepared. There is a huge need for this kind of forum, both for women and men.
Before reading this I didn’t know how normal my partner was in so often finding herself unable to enjoy sex or give me pleasure.
And I didn’t know how normal I was in thinking about it all the time.
It’s her libido, not lost, just somewhere adrift of her mind and body.
And my libido, tormenting me constantly with its needs.
Is there a forum for the post-partum dad anywhere? It’s nice to visit here but it is not the most forgiving environment for the gentlemen.
Most of the the advice on how to make things better focuses on all the things we can do for our wives (all of which we should do anyway, of course). What we also need to know is how to feel better about ourselves, how to feel attractive and desirable when we are not sexually desired, how to suppress our own desire so that it does not dominate our thoughts.
The hardest thing for me is that there is no separation within me – my love and my desire, my devotion and my passion, they are all intimately related, and to temporarily restrain one part of this so I can relax and enjoy the good things is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do.
Good luck to everyone.
I think for a woman to feel better post-partum, they need to realize they are still a woman and not just a mom at that point. Guys, you can try everything you want, but if she’s stuck in that frame of mind it’s not going to help.
Personally, I very much still feel like a woman. Holding my child and even when I breast fed, did fulfil some level of intimacy…with my child. I felt closer to her and bonded with her. But, I need to still bond with my husband and feel close to him. He has always made me feel beautiful and wanted so that was never an issue for us.
Men, I really do sympathize with you. It’s not always about just sex, even though you may not always say that. If it was about sex you wouldn’t be married! LOL. j/k
Seriously though women, men wouldn’t put the effort in to help with the baby and try and put you in the mood and make you feel wanted. Men aren’t always vocal about stuff like they. Men are more visual creature then anything. If you really want your libido back, try making the first move. Put on some sexy clothes, put yourself in the mood, then surprise him. I’ve learned that the emotion guys get from the surprise very much puts you more in the mood. You have to make an effort too ladies! You can’t always expect your man to romance you!
Lisa, you’re absolutely right that dressing sexy — and, I will add, getting back into shape if you let things slip a bit during pregnancy — will help to make you feel sexy, which will in turn help you be interested in sex.
Upon reflection, other than being tired, I didn’t feel very good about my body after pregnancy, so it was much harder to feel sexy, or interested in sex. To be honest, my husband had gained some weight, too, and was less physically attractive to me as a result. Sure, women aren’t as visual as men, but I doubt very many women would say a flabby man was sexier than a fit man.
And Ian — I’m so glad that you are contributing to this forum. One of the most important things for us women to hear is from men who are thinking and talking about these issues, too. Otherwise this can just turn into a vent-fest where we’re all just complaining about unsupportive partners, and that’s not productive for anyone. So please don’t be put off by the ratio of women to men. I understand why you might like to also discuss this with more men, but please don’t stop airing your voice here if you do find a forum. (And, in fact, I’m sure my husband would be interested if you do find a good men’s forum — please post it here!)
Thanks very much to the people who posted in the last few days. I agree that the world really needs more public discussion of this problem so that new mothers and fathers don’t feel so desperate and alone with this shocking emotional pain, in addition to all the work involved in raising a baby.
It seems to me that Lisa is right that the feeling as mom vs. wife is one of several important things affecting sex drive. My wife said that she loves our kids much more than me. That must reduce her desire for me. I don’t know how to overcome this. It seems like a Catch-22 because it also lowers her motivation to make any effort to change her sex drive. I hope that if she quits her job as she has contemplated for years, she may have enough energy to feel love for me, too.
Larry — that sounds like a really difficult situation! I must admit that I have felt at times that I love my son more than I love my husband, but…I think it isn’t that simple.
I’m having the difficult and yet really helpful experience right now of having to live apart from my husband during the week because we got jobs in different cities. So while we were living together I felt that more often — I got more affection from my son than from my husband, and really felt loved by him. That, plus all the really enjoyable intimacy of nursing meant that I felt more love for my son than my husband.
But now that we’re living apart, and I’m not nursing, I find that my husband is more romantic with me, he calls me a lot and says how he misses me — all kinds of things that make me feel more loved.
So I don’t think it’s a simple equation, but certainly more romance from you will usually make your partner feel more interested in romance and sexuality. And always remember that children change quite quickly — pretty soon they’ll be doing their own things, and not involving their parents as much. Then your wife will certainly have more time for you. Sometimes we just have to stick it out through the difficult times that arise.
Love is not exclusive or limited. I love my child and my partner in somewhat different ways, but it isn’t a competition, I love them both to bits!
The idea that loving your children would somehow mean you didn’t have enough love left to give to your spouse is just plain wrong.
Larry, if your wife sees it this way you have a serious problem.
But – what might really be happening is that she has lost her sexual feelings (and one day they may return) and when you try to talk about it she is just desperate to find an answer that will stop you asking again. She doesn’t like the situation anymore than you do, but sometimes there is no way for you to talk about how bad it makes you feel without her taking it as an accusation and just wanting to push you away. She doesn’t mean it, it’s a defence mechanism. Is that what’s happening?
Sorry for playing the amateur psychologist, good luck to you both.
Larry, I can say in all honesty, that I love my daughter more than my husband. She is a part of me. We made her. If I was forced to choose, it would be her. And as far as loving the kids should not reduce her sex drive for you.
BUT, my love for her is different than that for my husband. My husband is my lover and my BEST FRIEND. We joke around, we play video games together, we wrestle, etc. We do all those things that we did while dating. We keep our love in that perpetual state. We don’t let the things that come with marraige (bills, work, etc) drown out the love feelings.
It is tiring raising a child, but I find that the intimacy of sex with my spouse helps relieve tension, stress, and makes me feel loved and wanted in other ways than just a mother, which should be important to a woman.
Just let her know, that she is still a woman. Not just a mother.
I am writing from the perspective of a father with two children.
After the birth of our first child I did not deal well with the no-sex issue. During the pregnancy my wife had no interest, but I had allowed myself to believe that all this would change 6 weeks after the baby was born. It didn’t help that my friend confided to me that his wife had pulled him into bed 4 weeks after their child was born because she couldn’t wait any longer.
After the six week appointment I approached my wife about the subject and she said she was not ready yet. The same thing occured at 8 weeks, 12 weeks, 16 weeks etc. Over time I started to get more and more upset about the issue. We even had a couple of fights about the subject, and looking back I am ashamed about some of the tactics I used. I even told her once that sex was part of a happy marriage and I didn’t see how we could have a happy marriage without it. This cycle of negativity continued until about 11 months after birth when our daughter was weaned and my wife relented to my constant pressure and our sex life started up again.
However, it soon became obvious that things were still different. My advances were still rebuffed 80% of the time and even when she did consent it was obvious that her heart was not in it. Then we started talking about having kid #2 and I said myself “OK, here we go with 2 years of no sex again.” During a late summer vacation I made a joking comment to that effect to my wife and she turned to me with a very serious look on her face and said “Please promise me right now that if we do this (having a another kid) that you will not treat me the way that you did last time. You made me feel terrible and I was sure that you were going to leave me. I don’t want to go through that again.” I was totally stunned. To me, each encounter over sex was a seperate event that simply added up to me being frustrated. To her, the cummulation of these events was a mounting source of stress about the future of her marriage.
We decided to have kid #2, and I decided that I had to change my ways. I read a great book called “Good Husband, Great Marriage” that really opened my eyes about how destructive some of my selfish habits have been in our marriage. In particular I started to understand how selfish my approach to sex was. I demand sex a lot because it is the ultimate way for me to feel loved. If my wife is willing to give herself to me in that way it is because she loves me and I go away feeling secure about our relationship. However, there a few points that I have since figured out on the subject:
- Its not the same if I have to extort it out of her via guilt trips or sheer persistence. If she is only doing it to shut me up then its not an expression of love.
- At one point I argued with my wife that sex was a physical need for me that had to be addressed on a periodic basis. Now I know that the physical aspect of it is not so important and can be controlled easily by someone who is mature about the subject. Its the emotional need that is really overpowering, and there are other (non-sexual) ways to deal with that. I have taught myself to lean more on the little things like hugs, kisses and cuddling to let me know that my wife loves me. She dosen’t do those things with other people.
- I have learned that whether or not a woman is sexually turned on depends on how emotionally turned on she is with her spouse. In the book Rober Altman said it perfectly with the line ” She makes love to you in the bedroom one hour a week because you make love to her all week long outside of the bedroom.”
All this to say that with Kid #2 I have taken a totally different approach to the sex issue. I can’t say that I am being perfect. I still whine now and then about not having sex for so long (we are now 9 months post partum and still no interest) but there have been no fights, only mature discussions. In the meantime I have been trying to build the foundations for a healthy sex life (later) by working hard at building a strong relationship now. We have done a lot of talking about all aspects of our relationship in the past few months and we have come to a lot of important understandings. I have changed alot of things about myself to try and make her happy, and one of the most important things I changed was my level of empathy for my wife. I try to stay tuned in to her and detect when she needs something from me. Sometimes I let he sleep in while I take the kids downstairs on Saturday because she needs it. Sometimes I come home and without a word of complaint I make supper and then clean up because I can see that she is tired and stressed by the way the kids have been behaving. Sometimes I sit and listen to her vent about whatever subject she wants to discuss because she needs adult time. I even watched a couple of chick flicks with her because she waits watching movies by herself. So far none of this has resulted in more sex, but it has resulted in a much happier marriage. In fact, my wife turned to me in bed a month ago and asked me “are you happy?”. I was caught off guard by the question but before I could answer she said “you have been doing a lot of things to make me happy. They are small things, but I notice them. They do make me happy. I just wanted you to know that.” Then we cuddled for a bit and went to sleep.
The other major change will come when sex does eventually start again. I have resolved to go about it very differently. In the past I have focused on orgasm as the ultimate outcome of sex. This resulted in way too much focus on the mechanics of bringing about orgasm (for both of us), and lots of fustration when it didn’t happen (due to an interuption or bad lubrication day or whatever). The new approach is that sex is not a step wise process that must end in orgasm. Sex is the act of being emtionally intimate with your spouse in a way that you would never be with anyone else. If it starts and ends with foreplay then so be it. At least I got some touching time. Whatever feels fun and brings us closer together is good. If I desperately need a physical release then I can deal with that later on my own if need be.
Louie,
Thank you for your lovely, thoughtful post.
I’m so happy i found this site. I’ve agonized with this for four years.I’ve had two children,4&3. I haven’t been really interested in sex since. When my husband and i have time alone i fantasize about us but when it comes down to it I just want to sleep. i’m a full time working mom .I work overnights so i can take care of my children during the day.But I have no time for my husband. when i’m coming in, he’s heading out to work. I stay up all night and can’t really get my body to adjust to the day. I have so much to do. So i’m sure sleep depevation can be part of it but it can’t be all. I never thought it could be thyroid problems.thankyou I’ll have myself checked out. I’ts not normal to become annoyed because my husband finds me sexy and wants to be with me. I’m still attracted to him but could care less if we ever have sex again. When we do it doesn’t pleasure me the way it used to. We were all over eachother before i gave birth. I do feel guilty because i love him to death and i know he loves me. but it is putting a strain on my seven year marraige. He feels i don’t desire him. I keep explaining it’s not him, it me i just don’t know what’s wrong with me. ofcourse he’s taking it personal, but who wouldn’t after so long,i would!! but he doesn’t pressure me and that just makes things worst because he’s not being an ass about it he’s just unsure and hurt.I hope it’s something that can be fixed with a pill or treatment because this can’t go on forever. I don’t want to lose a good man because of something so simple but so important.
Louie- You are one of two men I have ever heard of who is actually interested enough in his marriage to have read a book about how to improve it! Congratulations.
scheniek- Your lives sounds just exhausting. If there is any couple who needs a week away together, it is you two. It sounds like you don’t have time to connect in the slightest.
This is the first time I have read about this topic online, and now I wish I had done so long before.
Our little boy is now three years and three months old. As most parents would probably confess, this time flies by before you really notice. I also started a new job just 4 weeks before the birth of my son, so this has accelerated time even more.
But my wife will have little physically to do with me now, not just sexually, but regarding any form of intimacy. We had unfulfilling intercourse one time, perhaps four or five months after our son’s birth, and nothing since.
She will not kiss me or let me kiss her, we cannot hold hands and we cannot have hugs. She says she finds the idea of sex boring, and sees any physicality as a prelude to sex, which from my perspective is not the case.
We live our lives nearly three and a half years on really not much more than friends. Reading all the postings above helps me to understand what is going on, as she simply won’t talk about this, resorting again to ’sex is just boring’. This leaves me with no one to talk to about this, as most men would not go any where near this topic with their male friends.
Firstly, this seems a much longer period of time than many people here are talking about, so have we reached the point of no return in our sexual life together? Should this be important?
This leaves me feeling cold and unloved. She says she loves me, but constantly says that she doesn’t think that I love her, which is not true. But now I feel it becoming harder and harder to say that I do truly love her because of the distance she’s putting between us. It’s not solely about the lack of sex, but the entire lack of intimacy.
She has recently returned from a month’s holiday with our boy overseas. I missed them both terribly at this time, especially over Christmas and New Year. Now that she’s back again, I probably feel more sexually attracted to her than ever. She worries about her weight, although she is not very big and this doesn’t turn me off her in any way.
I just find the whole thing incredibly confusing, upsetting and really don’t know what will happen next
Jon- That is a long time. I hope you can focus on the friendship with your wife, but dedicate your real energies to your son.
Giving birth is deeply traumatic for some women (pain, loss of privacy, feeling violated) and sex is never same. That said, it does often become something different – something that is just as pleasurable, but more important. It sounds like your wife hasn’t progressed to the point that she has recovered from the trauma and is living her own life.
Obviously, you can’t broach the subject straight on. You need to get yourself back in to her life: travel with your wife and your son, attend activities with them, follow their routine. The main thing is, get into the family life, join their program and don’t give up trying to get in.
I don’t know if that will get you back into her bed, but I don’t believe in points of no return.
By the way, has she been under a doctor’s care to have her hormones (thyroid, estrogen) checked? Other physical problems could be depression, anti-depression medication, and vaginal stitching that was done improperly following the birth.
Since my last post things have suddenly changed again in my no-sex situation. First my wife’s menstral cycle came back (which she was not at all happy about) and then two weeks later our son accidentally weaned himself. It started with a bite that drew blood on one of her nipples. In order to let it heal my wife had to get a nipple guard and the boyo didn’t like that too much. So we started giving him bottles twice a day to ensure that he was getting enough fluids. Since that time my wife’s milk supply has been steadily decreasing. We were down to one breast feed a day, but the boyo brought that to a sudden halt 2 days ago when he bit her hard enough to draw blood on the other breast. Since then he has been bottle only.
On one hand, my wife is not happy that breast feeding has come to a sudden end. She wanted to go to at least one year but now we are stopping at 9 and a half months. However, she is also clearly excited about the idea of having her body back again. One day after the bite incident she declared that she was only going to wear those nursing bras for one more week and they were all going into the trash. She also declared that all of her old bras (pre-pregnancy) were also going in the trash. She wants new underwear.
My wife has also made a couple of comments about how we need to start going on date nights now that the boyo is on bottles and other people can feed him. At this point I assume this has more to do with wanting to get away from the kids than spending time alone with me, but I’ll take it. She even made a comment about needing a weekend get away in the spring where we would leave both kids with her parents overnight. When she said that my heart almost lept into my throat. I have been dreaming about something like that for months !!
So, three weeks ago I was still in the “keep waiting and try to be patient” mode and all of a sudden things are happening quickly. However, I am telling myself that I still need to be patient. Her sex drive is not a switch that will suddenly come back on. It may take a few months yet before she is actually keen on the idea of sex. Her hormones will take a while to ramp up fully and as a stay-at-home-mom the kids will still be a constant drain on her energy levels.
I have decided to set myself a deadline of March 31st (2 and a half months from now) before I approach her on the subject of restarting our sex life. I figure that I have waited paitently for 17 and a half months so I don’t want to spoil things by trying to rush her at the end. I want her to have some time to get used to the idea that the baby does not rule her every waking moment anymore before I start prodding her about my needs. Its a transition phase of sorts. During that time I will encourage her to go out when she can. I will allow her to sleep in when she can and try to be an all-around good husband and father.
My hope is that sometime between now and March 31st my wife will bring up the subject of sex on her own. It would make me very happy if she did. Even if it is just a discusssion about birth control methods it will be enough for me. However, if it dosen’t happen then I will gently raise the subject and see what she says.
Phew, Louie, you had me feeling you were too good to be true for a while! But you have clearly not been able to make yourself happy in your celibate state: no amount of reading books and saintly behaviour can take away that yearning. (I know it, I’ve read plenty).
Like all of us guys, you are desperate for the lover you used to know.
As has been said – when the lady’s body is ready for another baby she might want you again.
It’s a bit of a tragedy for foolish romantic males to discover that what we thought was a passion for us as whole human beings was really just a need for our seed. Once it’s safely implanted the passion can evaporate.
We thought we were great lovers, but we are nought but sperminators….
(I still love my girl though, still take every breath for her, it drives me crazy…)
Ian
You are right about about a couple of things. I am not totally happy in my celibate state. I never was and was not trying to convince myself that I was. All along I have been longing to get back to that happy place where my wife and I could enjoy a fulfilling sex life again.
You are also right that it is frustrating for me to know that she has not shared that same goal for the past 18 months.
However, I disagree strongly that women only want us for the seed. That particular argument could be completely turned around completely to state that men only want women as a place to plant the seed. I prefer to believe that sex is not just a physical impulse for either party involved.
I have spent months trying to improve everything I can think of about our marriage. Our communication has improved greatly, we share the work load of parenting and chores more evenly, I empathize with her more than ever before, and I have even worked hard at improving my physical appearance. I have done all of this on faith that sometime soon my wife will emerge from the haze of mothering an infant boy 24 hours a day and decide that she is interested in being intimate with her husband again. It may happen next month. It may happen six months from now. Who knows.
However, when it does happen it will not be just because her body is telling her its time to get pregnant again.
Sorry for the double post, but I remembered why I came in here in the first place.
Only six hours after setting my March 31st deadline I went and broke it. While we were lying in bed last night I asked her if she had thought about birth control. She said no. I told her what I thought on the subject. She replied that she didn’t want to talk about it and I should drop the subject before I got myself too excited to sleep. It felt like quite the slap in the face. I rolled back to my side of the bed and a couple of minutes later she was sleeping.
This morning I decided that I needed to say something on the subject. I told her that I am not a teenager and that I am quite capable of having a discussion on the subject of sex without getting too excited to sleep. I think she was a little stunned. She said that it had not been her intention to offend. She thought I was getting worked up to ask her for sex and she wanted to nip it in the bud before I got too wound up.
I guess this goes to show that even after seven years of marriage people can still read each other the wrong way.
Yeah, my husband and I have been married the same length of time and still have frequent misunderstandings.
Ian- Have you thought of reading the book Louie read?
I am wondering how to recommend it to my husband without offending him.
Well Louie, of course I’m playing devil’s advocate to an extent, but reread this whole thread.
All these wonderful women who love their men, telling us how months after giving birth, sometimes years, they feel no sexual desire – that physical impulse is missing.
It often does come back when their bodies and minds are ready to have babies again. Nothing wrong in that – it’s simple biology.
My partner and I, we think about it together now. She’s never stopped trying. I suggested we forget about sex for a while. But she said what’s the point of living together if we don’t have sex?
In the afternoon she might say, let’s have sex tonight, but by nightfall she’d rather do the crossword. She might try but we stop because she can’t enjoy it. But she’s thinking about it, she understands my needs, and she too misses the intimacy it used to bring us when we could just relax and have a good time. She wants to get her groove back, not just for herself, but for us.
Does your wife know what you are going through? Does she appreciate all you’ve done?
What is she doing?
Good luck to you, I hope it works out.
Kate
You think I should read ‘Good Husband, Great Marriage’?
You’re implying that I’m not a good husband and we don’t have a great marriage.
That’s fighting talk in our house, perhaps you’d like to back it up?
But yes of course I’ve thought of it – like I said, I’ve read plenty of books.
Don’t judge every male by your own relationship.
And can you recommend a similar book for Louie’s wife maybe?
Umm, Ian, it was a question, not a judgment that implied anything about you, your marriage or your wife.
Then the answer is yes, I have thought of it.
But Kate, why do you ask?
Ian,
Kate suggested you read the book Louie mentioned because it had been helpful to him. She thought it might be helpful to you, as well.
My sexual interest in my husband has nothing to do with conceiving a child. We had great sex before planning to start a family, and we’ve had great sex since. Have we had it as often? No. Both of our lives have changed drastically since having children. For the better, in most ways.
Kate,
Don’t feed the troll.
Well, I figured out what my problem was and I know this isn’t a solution to everyone’s problems, but I quit my micronor (birth control pill for breastfeeders) and HELLO ORGASM… FINALLY!!!!! It is AMAZING how different I feel after just a few weeks being off it. It was like someone flipped a switch and turned my libido back on. I’m still too tired most days, and actually so is my husband, but it is soooooo worth it on the nights when we actually do feel like it. If anyone is on micronor, camilla, any kind of BCP for breastfeeding moms –stop taking it! Trust me, your husband will be totally willing to use a condom if it means you will actually start enjoying yourself again!
Men, thanks for all your input. My husband was so patient with me and tried to act like this was no big deal that I didn’t want sex anymore, but now that I’m back to normal he admitted how much it hurt his feelings to not be desired and how difficult it was to feel like a failure when trying to please me.
Ladies, I think we all need to realize that sex is just as important to keeping a marriage together as any other household “chore”. What would happen if we ignored the dishes for months, or didnt pay the bills for a year? We find time for all of those stupid things. It’s so easy to put sex on the backburner, but that should be one of our priorities in marriage, not the last thing we think about after everything else has been done. It’s not so romantic to think of it as a task that has to be done, say, once a week, or at least twice a month, or whatever, but if that’s what needs to be done to make sure we are giving our husbands what they need, then so be it. I have learned that even when i’m not in the mood, if i think of it as something that I have to do to keep my marriage alive, then once i get into it i find myself really enjoying it more then i expected. Try just setting aside one night, however often you think you can, and do something romantic — take a bath, drink some wine, wear some sexy underwear and light some candles. I know it’s much easier said than done, but it seems like everyone in this forum is willing to work on it, so….
Trolls, eh?
Nice.
One of the best pieces of advice my lover ever gave me was not to be hard on myself. There are plenty of people in this world who are going to give you a hard time, she said, don’t join them.
The book Kate recommended I read (if that is what she was doing – it seemed a reasonable inference) is based on finding fault – its premise is that men are to blame for most relationship problems.
I asked my beloved what she thought, she said I could read it if I wanted, for myself, but she wouldn’t want me trying to change myself just to please her. She hangs about with me because she likes me as I am, and if that changes, well, she can always ask me to leave. We thought it was just a bad old joke that women chose a man they want to marry then set about trying to change him. She won’t be recommending any books for me to read. The most important thing to her is that I am my own person – she wouldn’t love me if I wasn’t.
Better to devote my energies to something really useful like perfecting that lemon tart recipe.
And maybe stop exposing so much of my life on web forums…
Ian is right that the book (Good Husband. Great Marriage) is definietely biased towards the idea that men are mostly responsible for the problems in their marriages. The author is also big on the idea that in order to fix the marriage it is the husband who needs to change the most. When I decided to read the book I already knew that I was a good husband in a lot of ways. My wife has told me so several times. However, it was obvious from our relationship that there was something preventing us from going that extra mile and having a really great relationship.
Early in 2007 I was sitting at work feeling sorry for myself because of the state of my marriage. I was day dreaming about a scenario in which I find a lamp and rub it and a genie pops out. The genie tells me that I can change my spouse in three ways. I then ask for the following:
- I wish that my wife had a high libido and always wanted to have sex with me
- I wish that my wife would encourage me to have nights out with my friends
- I wish that my wife would make my happiness the most important thing in her life
Obviously these are rather selfish wishes. they all involve my wife changing in order to better suit my needs.
I have had this kind of fantasy several times, but on this one occassion I decided to imagine another scenario in which my wife is the one who found the lamp. What would she wish for? What things about me would she want to change. Would she ask for me to be more attractive? Would she ask for me to have a lower libido? This got me thinking about myself and the fact that I was not the perfect husband. Maybe there were some things about my behaviour that were turning her off.
Thats why I read the book. I was looking for advice on things that women typically complain about when asked why their marriages are unfullfilling. There are 44 chapters in the book, Each one deals with a different form of male behaviour that can damage a marriage. Some of them definitely applied to me and I decided to take the advice to heart.
By suggesting the book I am not saying that I take full responsibility for the state of my marriage. I am not going to become the surrendered husband or anything like that. My wife has some changes that she needs to make as well if this story is going to end happily. However, I have made the decision that I am willing to be the one who changes first. Somebody has the start the process so why not me?
If months go by and my wife does nothing to try and resolve the things about our marriage that she knows I don’t like then I will be singing a different tune. For now I am willing to be patient with her.
Hi Louie-
I didn’t recommend the book to Ian, I asked him if he’s considered reading it. As I mentioned to you, you are one of only two men I have ever heard of who have read a relationship book. Ian, when he read your post said that “reading books” was “angelic” of you.
Sex and libido are no longer problems in my marriage, but we have other issues. I am not sure that my husband cares enough about our relationship to read a book about improving it. And, really, it’s too bad. If I saw that book lying around the house, I would have a sign that he not only cares about our marriage, but that he might actually love me enough to take care of it.
I think it’s simple. If you feel that something is missing in your marriage, isn’t it *your* responsibility to educate yourself as to how to improve it, and then start working on making the changes that will effect those improvements?
You can go around blaming your partner, but that won’t accomplish anything except making things worse. We can only change ourselves, not our partners. But sometimes we can pave the way a bit. That’s what you’ve done, Louie, and it’s a wonderful thing.
Oh Kate, sorry if I overreacted to your question. But you do tend be quite hard on the men who contribute to this forum (Hermes is right about that much), so I was perhaps overly on my guard.
Ratphooey, just so there is no misunderstanding, I did not say that women consciously just have sex to make babies. I said there is a strong connection between desire and the biological urge to reproduce. It’s a corollary of what Samantha (Griffin’s Mum) said about the practicality of nature.
More importantly, I was trying to describe how men in this situation feel sometimes.
Here’s a bit more on that which I hope will be helpful. When a man suddenly finds that the part of the woman that desires him has shut down it’s a terrible shock. It is very hard to reconcile her assurances that she still loves him with her inability to show it physically.
For him that sexual part has not shut down (even if he gets up everytime the baby wakes up – he might be physically exhausted, but after weeks of going without, if she was up for it he could rise to the occasion). It is one of the most important ways of being intimate and showing his love.
She’s having his child, he loves her more than ever. He can’t imagine how it would feel to love her but not desire her.
So, even when his mind is telling him it is a normal thing that has happened, and that she doesn’t love him any less, inside he feels rejected. And he has to do something to suppress or redirect his feelings of desire. Some men run away. Some hide out at work. Some try to talk about it, some don’t know how.
What can happen is that desire is suppressed, but because it’s still wired up with his emotions, then love is suppressed too. Part of him is no longer welcome in the relationship, so he detaches himself. He seems to him that her desire is conditional. She now has so many reasons why she doesn’t want to make love to him, all of which are more important that the reason why she would – that she loves him.
Even when her desire returns it can be difficult to accept. The trust that comes with intimacy has been undermined, and it might take a long time to re-establish that.
This sounds a little bleak, and obviously it’s mixed in with so many other feelings that come with being a dad.
It’s easy for a woman to be angry with a man for having these feelings – after all, she’s done nothing wrong, and she’s doing something amazing which takes so much of her thoughts and energy.
But if his feelings are understood and accepted it takes the sting out of them. He doesn’t want to feel bad about desiring his wife, and he doesn’t want to make her feel bad. These feelings are only a part of him, there are plenty of good feelings too. But they do exist and it won’t help to dismiss them.
Kate, I don’t know if what is going on with you and your husband is a consequence of any of this stuff. It doesn’t sound like you feel you can ask him directly to read a book – or at least one with such a threatening premise. Perhaps there is another book aimed at couples which could be left somewhere he might pick it up and skim through it?
Louie, do you talk to your wife about this book? How does she feel about your reading it? Has she read it?
Ian
My wife knows that I read the book. I even told her what it is called, but she has never asked to see it. I even told her what things I intended to change as a result of reading the book. She told me that all of those changes would be great, and thats about as far as the discussion went.
It should be said that my wife is not a great when it comes to self reflection. She dosen’t like talking about herself or our relationship and whenever I try to initiate such discussions she always gets annoyed. In that sense we definitely have a gender role reversal going on in our relationship. Its usually the male who dosen’t want to talk about the relationship.
The first few times I tried to discuss relationship stuff with her and she brushed it off I was really ticked off. It gave the appearance that she was happy with the way things are and had no interest in changing anything. Since then I have learned that its not that she dosen’t want to change anything, its more that she dosen’t deal well with criticism of any kind. If I tell her that she is doing something that I don’t like her initial response is to become defensive and try to argue that its me who seems to have a problem. However, she usually goes away and thinks about what I said and then will often make an effort to try and smooth things over.
Hey guys out there, try reading a book called ‘Babyproofing your Marriage’. Great book written by 3 female friends. Theres about 40 pages on sex after the baby. Mostly the viewpoint from women, but they did try to get some mens viewpoints too! It also has alot of other humorous things in it.
I do wish there was a forum for guys out there. And I wish we would get some more positive news from guys on this forum like – Hey, this and this and this worked for me… or perhaps some sucess stories.
Well, 16.5 months and the wife seems as uninterested in sex as ever.
I’m still trying to figure out the variable that it is.
Here’s some of the things I’ve thought of:
1. She gained baby weight – Nope, lost it after the baby
2. She quit her job of 10 years. She returned 4.5 months ago to a new job – no change
3. Stressed out about the house chores – maybe, but we share things now more than ever.
4. Maybe doesn’t find me attractive? +5 lbs from where I left high school at and what we were married at – 230 on a 6′3″ frame.
5. We bottle feed – no breastfeeding
6. Birthcontrol – She used the pill for 12+ years before she left it for our baby. Now she is on an IUD. Anyone else out there on an IUD?
Oh, here’s the other kicker, she’s less intimate with me all around. I don’t even think she wants me to touch her for the most part anymore. Hugs and kisses only when I ask. She never initiates. Other than the intamacy issue, our freindship and communication is as good, if not better, than ever.
Thats my soap box.
Check you guys later.
Clint
She took a year off with the baby. We also bottle feed. I was hoping that when she returned to work, she would find whatever she was missing. Nope. Nada. Zero.
Physical appearance maybe? She worked out after the baby arrived and lost the baby weight. Me? I weight +5 lbs from the time I left high school 230 on a 6′3″ frame. I have lost some hair though! Nothin much I can do about that
Ian, good posts. Keep them coming.
I’ve red this forum for several months now and I have to agree that a certain amount of male bashing goes on – but hey, it’s just another hurtle to get over to find out how to get that connection back between you and your wife.
Keep on blogging.
Clint
Thanks Clint.
I don’t mind a bit of bashing. This is a blog about motherhood not fatherhood. It’s a place where women can speak freely of their experiences without judgement or criticism. That is as it should be. It is necessary because in so many other areas of life it’s the other way round.
We men are guests, and we don’t have the same protection. We do need our own forum – somewhere safe that we can go to talk, but one of us has to get off his arse and do it…
As for positive news – I’ll try to remember, when our lass is back up to speed and I’m lying, spent, on the bedroom floor, to come back and tell you guys how it worked out for us.
Clint
Welcome to the discussion. Its true that this a forum for moms, but I have learned a lot from reading it as well.
I will respond to two of your concerns:
1. My appearance
- This one hits close to home for me. When my wife and I got married I was very athletic and in very good shape. Over the seven years of our marriage I have let myself go somewhat. I had love handles (which my wife sometimes commented on) and I didn’t dress as well as I used to. About a year ago I decided to try and improve both of those things. I bought some nice clothes to wear to work and I went on an intensive exercise regime. I don’t have love handles anymore. So far these things have not resulted in me getting more initimate affection from my wife, but I have faith that when her hormones finally come back on she is going to notice that I am a lot more attractive than I was when she was last paying attention to such things. Besides, I feel much better about myself now.
2. Wife not initiating affection
- This one also hits close to home. I told my wife a few months back that I found it frustrating that she never initiated affection with me. She replied that I could have hugs and kisses anytime I wanted them. So, I decided to take her up on that. Whenever I wanted to be affectionate with her I went and did it. I would pull her away from the newspaper for a kiss or come behind her when she was cooking and give her a hug. At first it felt unnatural and a bit awkward, because this was not the way we had been doing things, but over a few months it has now gotten to the point where she is not at all suprised when I do these things, and she actually invites them at times. For example, I started a habit of coming in the door after work and before doing anything else I found my wife and gave her a big hug and a kiss. Last week there were two days where I came in the door and my wife came from wherever she was to enthusiastically receive her greeting at the door. So, if you want more affection, my advice is to go and get it. Over time your wife might decide she likes it and it will become a two way street.
Ian
After much thinking I have decided that you are right. My wife is not going to show any interest in sex until her body starts telling her that it wants to be pregnant. Thats the biological truth. No amount of talking about it, or making personal changes will affect that. She won’t be interested until her hormones tell her to be interested.
However, I do not feel that I have wasted any effort in making all of the positive changes that I have made in myself and my marriage. While it did not result in getting back to sex any earlier, those things will still pay off big time over the future of my marriage. It is obvious that we are communicating better and understanding each other better than ever before. Also, being affectionate with each other is becoming normal for us. Even if you take sex out of the equation, those changes are still worth all the effort I went to. Besides, I have a feeling that when sex does start again it will be better than ever.
At least, thats what I will tell myself for now