Lost Libido? Normal Sex After Childbirth
January 4, 2007 by kate baggott
Filed under Mental Health
Sex. I hate talking about it, but “new mother + sex” is a rather popular search term on the Internet. This is an era when a feminist should be able to talk about anything. I imagine many searchers are new mothers who are wondering when desire will return, when they will be able to relax and not think about what had to be stitched back together. Other searchers are probably men, like my husband, who will find the one or two references that contradict the conventional wisdom of waiting 6 to 8 weeks after the birth.
These men really need to start getting up in the night with their babies. Then, they will be too tired to even think about sex either. They also might find that their wives and children like them more, that they are truly engaged in family life.
On the other hand, after our first was born, my husband said that the new baby made him feel so emotional, so full of love, that romance seemed like a natural extension to what he was feeling. With our second child, he just hid out at work until most of the hard work was done each day.
It is normal not to feel like doing it after you’ve had a baby. Getting up at night, breastfeeding, fear of getting pregnant again too soon and feeling used all contribute to a seriously deflated libido. And, really, wanting to get your groove back is admirable, as long as you’re doing it for yourself. I am not sure that any relationship benefits from “OK, I’ll do it for you” sex.
Or does it?
So much about giving birth and becoming a mother does pitch us into something primal, something traditonal, something role-ish that can make sex feel like a duty. Many relgious women from a variety of faiths have been taught that sex is just another duty to be performed. And, long term breastfeeding is returning from medical exile, from a time when doctors advised women to put their babies on bottles of forumla 6 to 8 weeks after birth so that she would again be sexually available to her husband, who in return, wouldn’t abandon the family, leaving them dependent on the state.
While I think a sexless period after the birth of a child is normal, many women still feel guilty that they just don’t feel like it. Still others feel pity for their poor, sexually-deprived partners. Both those emotions certainly don’t appeal to my libido.
What do you think is normal? What would you tell a close friend who asked? If you don’t want to leave a comment, check out the poll on the side bar.
Some advice for new dads on the subject of sex after baby
I have read the posts on this forum and I have seen a lot of good things written here. I would like to provide my own advice based on my personal experiences (through two kids) and from the personal research that I have done on the subject. The following things really helped me get over the hurdles of the sexless phase that followed the birth of both of our children:
1. Try to understand the whole thing from your wife’s point of view
So you are sitting there feeling sorry for yourself because its been X months since your wife last gave you some TLC. Sex is important to you and you are frustrated because its obviously not important to her right now. Now try this; imagine what your wife is feeling right now. She has recently been through 9 or so months of pregnancy, the trauma of child birth, and probably a few months of breast feeding, not getting enough sleep and generally being a whipping post for the new baby. If you were in her situation, sex would not be at the top of your priority list either.
2. Don’t take it as a personal rejection
Odds are, if the woman was willing to marry you and have at least one child with you then she must love you. The difference now (after birth) is that there is another person on this planet that she is also learning to love, and that baby’s needs are much larger and more urgent than yours. The fact that 99% of your wife’s attention is focused on the baby does not mean that you have been forgotten. Quite the contrary. Your wife needs you now more than ever. She needs you to be a strong parent (along with her) and a strong husband (for her) so that she will not get totally sucked down the vortex of the baby’s endless needs.
3. Reassess your needs
Dads, I want you to ask yourselves a very important question at this point. What is it that you really need from your wife? What is it that you are lacking right now that is driving you crazy? Is it really sex that you need, or is it something more fundamental than that? You might think its sex that you need, but at its most raw, sex is just a physical imperative that ends with a physical release. You can do that for yourself if you really want to. Obviously there is more to it than that. I’m guessing that what you really want, and need, from your wife is feedback to let you know that she still loves and needs you. Up to now sex has been the primary mechanism by which you receive that feedback. Now sex isn’t happening and its driving you nuts.
4. Learn to meet your needs in new ways
Face it guys, this having a kid thing is not short term. The old days are over. You and your wife have now brought a small person into the world, and that person will have a long term impact on your relationship with each other. So you now have a choice. You can either spend the next 18 years or so trying to get back to the way things were (and being constantly frustrated) or you can accept the new reality and learn to adapt to it. With kids around it is hard to find the time and energy for full blown sex on a regular basis, so you have to learn to get by on less. Obviously sexual intercourse (when it is available) will always be the best choice. However, you have to learn that its not an all-or-nothing deal. If your wife is not up for the full experience then maybe she will agree to something less intense like oral sex or manual stimulation. Just remember that if you are going to ask for such things then you should always offer to return the favour. If she’s not up for sex of any kind than learn to like cuddling, kissing and hugging. It may not be manly, but it beats sitting in the corner feeling sorry for yourself. Try to think of it as a list of activities that are ranked in descending order. You try for option 1 (sex) but if its a no go then try for option 2 and so on. Also, be prepared for the fact that sometimes your wife will agree to something, and then it dosen’t work out. Maybe the lubrication just isn’t there. Maybe the baby starts crying. Instead of fuming at the world because your plans were ruined, be thankful that you managed to get some intimate time together while it lasted. I know this isn’t what you guys want to hear, but honestly, its the truth. Happiness is 99% perception. You may not be able to change a situation, but you can change the way you perceive and react to it.
5. Use the oppurtunity to improve other aspects of your relationship with your wife
Sex is great. We all love sex. However, there are lots of other things that can bring a couple closer together and provide you with the positive feedback that you both need. The trick I used with my wife after our second child was that I chose to see the whole thing as a second courtship. When we were dating we spent long hours just talking, or cuddling, or making out without any expectation of it leading to sex. We both understood that it was a gradual process of build up that eventually moved into the sexual domain when we were ready. Since that time, sex had become central to our interactions and other things fell by the wayside. Now sex is a distant memory. Honestly, its been so long that I can’t remember quite what it feels like. I know from the experience of our first child that even when it does come back it can be very awkward at first. Its like you have to get to know each other again. So why wait until your wife’s libido comes back? Why not start getting to know each again right now. Pretend that that you are back in the dating phase. Do the things that you used to do when you dated. Stay up late talking. Look for all kinds of excuses to hug or kiss your wife. Go out on dates. Make out on the couch. Give each other (non-sexual) massages. All of this stuff will improve your relationship, and your level of comfort with each other. When sex does start to come back, take it slow. Go back through all the same stages you went through as awkward 20 somethings. Do some petting. Do some manual stimulation. Make intercourse a goal that you will eventually reach, but don’t rush. Enjoy the ride. You managed to keep your hormones in check when you dated, so you can learn to do it again. I come back to the idea that happiness is 99% perception. If you choose to be frustrated because you can’t go “all the way” then you will be frustrated, however, you can choose to feel otherwise as well.
6. Learn how to say no to yourself
If you approach your wife for sex or any other kind of affection there is always the possibility that she will say no. Maybe she has a headache. Maybe she is very tired. Maybe something is stressing her out. You can save yourself a lot of grief if you learn to recognize the signs that would indicate a “no” without having to ask. If you know she is exhausted, then just let her go to sleep. If you know she has a headache and is exhausted then offer her a massage and then let her go to sleep. You will be much more successful if you wait for the right conditions before pouncing on your wife for sex. Also, never, ever approach your wife for sex by stating how long it has been since the last time you had sex. Such things come across as an accusation and will probably cause her to get defensive. Another thing to avoid is telling her that you have an urgent physical need that she has to attend to as if its her duty or something. Women typically don’y like feeling as if they are just a hole for you to put your dick into. Each and every time you approach your wife for sex simply tell her that you want to make love to her right now. There is no negative side to such a statement.
7. Sex is better when you are both into it
The final point I want to make is that sex is always better when both people are into it. If she is just doing it for your sake (maybe because you guilted her into it) then her heart will not be in it. Besides, nagging her for sex might get you what you want sometimes, but it may also cause hard feelings and ultimately damage your relationship. If you ask and she says no then go ahead and try some coaxing, but if she gives a firm “no” then let it go. Whining and begging are just going to irritate her.
Thats it. Hopefully some of this will help you guys. Good luck.
ok I have been reading these comments and some make sense and are very helpful but some are pretty ridiculous anyways…ladies let me know what you think about this me and my girl had a baby 6 months ago and no sex in sight hardly any affection we are hardly alone mostly cause when we are both off work she wants to have our son there too no prob but i do want some alone time with my girl i’m 25 she is 21 we are living with her parents right now they are great we actually used to have sex at there house b4 all the time with them upstairs no prob in the living room sex all the time! 2 -3 times a day we would have sex! now not so muchlet me lay the story out she used to say before we had him she couldnt wait till he was born and we get to have our great sex again (the last time we did was a week b4 he was born) and that he would be sleeping in the same room but when he was asleep it would be on! she had a c-section and her back is killing her most of the time and but getting better gradually and she told me at one point it was because we were living at her parents and cause he was sleeping in the same room although she knew that was gonna be the case b4 and didnt mind then (she wont let me buy us a house until she starts making better $ although I could rt now but she does want to live together she tells me all the time she can’t wait…I try to get close to her all the time not out of the normal but likei used to i rub her back all the time get up with the baby during the night and do at least equal amount of work around the house…but when i try to get close to her most of the time she pushes me away we dont fight nerver have 2yrs, little arguments only normal she kisses and huggs me only when i do it first sometimes pushes me away completely ever once in a while she will initiate it but not like she used to she used to be the one to come and kiss me tell me i love you all the time now its 90 percent me. I just want to know do i need to be worried about anything and do i need to do anything different i dont want to end up with no sexual relationship or hardly one at all and i cant cheat on her i love her too much but i’m so frustrated i dont know what to do.. she won’t even go out on a date with me !!!!!!!!!!!
My wife and I had our 3rd son Sept 2007 just 11 months after our 2nd was born. She has no desire for sex or to cuddle or kiss. I dont know what to say or do anymore. After our 1st and 2nd she was not like this even when pregnant it and after she had our 3rd we only waited 4 weeks and it was fine we still had sex alot(4 -5 times a week) Now she wants nothing to do with it. She is a stay at home mom so she is tired but that never stopped her before. We went away alone for 1 week and even then it was like she did it to please me and has no enjoyment in it. What can I do? She thinks she is that same she always has been like nothing is wrong. The only time she wants anything is when she has a few drinks which is rare.
1. Hey Clint,
I read the relevant section of the Babyproofing Book. It did not cheer me up. I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do, apparently. There is nothing more I can hope for. Sigh.
2. Louie, now I feel responsible! I was taking my cue from Kate, who, very near the top of this page, wrote: ‘things can get good again, probably around the time your body is ready for another baby.’
3. Kate has stopped posting – is Babylune no more? That would be a shame, I hope she is OK, her last post in this section seemed a little despairing.
4. There’s a forum at http://www.postpartummen.com, maybe us guys could talk there?
Ian,
If you have the money, I’d recommend picking up the the ‘babyproofing your marriage’ book. It’s got 40+ pages on the topic we are disussing + it has other humorous stuff worth the $25.
Clint
Ian
Don’t worry, I already starting to think along those lines. I have done a lot of things over the past six months to try and improve my relationship with my wife. Every one of them made my marriage better in some way, but none of it got us any closer to having a sexual relationship again. Its like we have hit this invisible wall. No matter what I do or say, she just can’t get herself interested in the idea of doing something sexual with me.
The one point that I have tried several times to get across to her is that I am not asking for much here. I am not expecting sex 2-3 times a week. I’m not even expecting full blown sex that leaves me lying exhausted and happy on the floor any time soon. I just want her to give me one hour a week where she puts aside everything else and focuses on me and my need to be intimate with her. If she would do that, and do it willingly, then I would be walking on cloud nine. On one occassion she even agreed in principle that it was not unreasonable for me to ask for one hour a week. However, that one hour never seems to happen unless I make it obvious that I’m not happy and then she will do it just to shut me up for a while.
I know my wife is tired all the time. I know that being a stay at home mom is demanding and frustrating. I know that sex is not at the top of her to-do list … ever. But I still find it very deflating when every time I approach her on the subject she brushes it off. She is not even trying. Give me one hour a week and I will spend the rest of the week worshipping the ground she walks on. Pretend that you want to do it sometimes, for my sake. However, my wife insists on putting it off and putting it off for weeks sometimes until I am obviously getting upset. So I end up frustrated and hurt because it feels like my wife no longer needs me the way that I need her and I end up telling the world about it on a web blog. It makes me so depressed sometimes.
The real kicker here is that she thinks she can make me feel better by telling me that I am the most involved father she has ever seen and that I am a wonderful husband. She says I make her very happy. However, she is not willing to do the one thing that I have told her over and over would make me very happy. One hour a week! Thats it. Thats all. I just don’t understand.
I wanted to have sex with my partner but she always refused to because she’s still having stress after she’d given birth…
I read this thread and realize how much this truely is such an emotionally charged issue. It seems that women are having very deeply conflicts about their feelings of their own sexuality and so are the men in their lives. Everyone is reading so deep into the issue, which is really normal.
As a woman, I have been having difficulty with post-pardom sex. We resumed sex 4-6 weeks after the baby (with doc approval), but I was so scared of tearing that I tensed up and could barely enjoy it. Of course my sweet partner noticed and we talked about it right away. I made sure he knew that I loved him and I felt desire for him, though physically it was very difficult. This reassurance was continued as I was very distracted for months. It’s so hard to focus on sex with so much else going on in life, but I would like to point out that we kept trying. Not just on the sex, but the intimacy that is the foundation. I feel that the intimacy is very important. We kept the lines of communication open about what we both were feeling and we tried not to read to much into it or over analyse.
Later as my hormones were (and are) still readjusting we are trying to find ways to make sex more enjoyable because things just aren’t as physically up to par as they used to be. Any huge life change is bound to affect you. Your feelings about your identity and sexuality have to adjust so much. How you feel about yourself as a woman modifies and changes. Sometimes we as women (and men) make huge career adjustments that also influence that identity which makes the intimacy meter change as well. Every time we make a huge change, our identity is influenced and those who share that with us (intimacy) are changed.
I think I agree with those who emphasis communication. Most importantly we talk about things and try to find means to allieviate our situation and our feelings that we are both comfortable with. Once again, we make time at least once a week to stay up half the night with a bottle of wine talking…sometimes it leads to other things;)…sometimes it doesn’t. Always it is time that we set apart to reconnect as lovers and not just parents and always it is time well spent.
I encourage others to talk about things and see your gyno’s too, but not to be so discouraged. Despite the difficulties, I think of our sex life as a moment in time where we are connected as one and deeply intimate. I feel that is something we both need. I used to be a very sexual woman and this has been a huge struggle, but the unending support of my partner has been immesureable. In turn I try to support the fact that even though men do not always articulate it, sex is not just sex to them either, so rejection can be as complicated as our feelings of guilt. I will not tell anyone else how to deal with this, but I try to remind everyone that in a good relationship, we try to see things from both sides. I also feel it is as important for us women to realise the often suppressed emotional side of men. They need non-sexual touch as well, dont just save that for the kiddos.
And ladies, as hard as it can be, a fun way to look at it can be this: that man of yours has seen you gain 30+ pounds, get stretch marks, have parts of you stretch unimaginably …and still look at you and find you soooo sexy that they want to make sweet love to you.
I guess I want to point out that instead of just feeling guilty I would try to keep talking about it to maintain the intimacy, which doesnt always have to include sex, in this difficult time. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of, this is just part of the process. The fact folks are looking at this thread and posting, means they are ready to talk, just keep your partner in the loop.
Wish me luck, this is my first baby (6mo), but after all this, I’m a little scared of having another little beastie.
I am so glad I finally found this website! I have a 14 month old son, my first child. I have not really felt like sex since he was born, except for a few occasions, and have not felt like I could speak to anyone about it till now. I finally told my husband how I was feeling last night and it felt so good to have it out in the open. Then we both decided that I should go looking for some info that could help.
When my son was first born, I just put it down to feeling tired. But things haven’t really changed. I love my husband so much but just don’t feel like sex anymore. A lot of the time, I don’t even feel like touching or kissing or much intimacy at all. I am only young and am wondering why my sex drive seems to have just been switched off! I really want that sexual desire back but I just don’t feel like I have any control over it.
I live a very busy life even though I am a stay at home mum. I live on a farm and run my own veggie garden and also do lots of cooking from scratch. My husband works on the farm 6 days a week and we rarely have a holiday. So my life is always flat out! I also stress very easily… which is not hard to do with your family-in-law all living within 1km from you on the same property. Don’t get me wrong, they are lovely people, but things can just get stressful with everyone around all the time. So, I’m sure stress is part of my problem but I just don’t know how to fix it!
I have found everyone’s comments on here so useful and I am going to try to just relax more and see how things go. I’ve also heard that exercise can help to increase blood flow so I’m going to try and get out and exercise more.
The thing that worries me is that I am now pregnant with my second child and I don’t want to go through this pregnancy and 12 months (or more!) afterwards feeling like I do now. I want to solve this trouble now so my husband and I can get closer again and be good parents to our children.
Does anyone have any more useful tips for increasing post childbirth libido? I would appreciate any help!
Well, I’ve been having a better sexual relationship with my husband (after a rocky start after our first child), and I think there definitely were things that helped.
First, I want to point out something that you probably all know, but maybe have forgotten, because it’s been a while: sex leads to more sex.
As long as it’s not uncomfortable for the woman to have sexual intercourse, then if you can work with your partner to get turned on (whatever it takes ladies — get creative, and don’t feel ashamed about it!), then once you actually *do* have a satisfying sexual experience, you’ll be wanting more of it.
But guys, you have to keep the momentum going. If you work up to a great sexual experience, pay attention to your lady in the next few days: if she’s giving you *those* looks, don’t hesitate — make time for some cuddling and playing the next morning, or the following evening. Seriously. I don’t know how often I got some great sex, then we got busy for a week or so and I totally lost the momentum again.
Also ladies, I noticed that my body image really changed (for the worse) after having our son: the extra weight didn’t help, of course, but I don’t think that was the only part of it. So once I started to try to dress sexy, to get some sexy underwear, or dress for dinner out with no underwear — whatever it took to feel daring and a bit sexy — that helped me get in the mood. Whatever you need to do to improve your body image — that’ll really help you feel more interested in sex.
There’s no easy answer. If you are a woman who wants to regain your sexuality, you’re going to work at it. If you are a guy who’s partner isn’t interested yet — I hate to say it, but she’s got to want to change for anything to really work. But certainly getting her into that relaxed mood will help things go in the right direction.
I hope this helps!
We have had a breakthrough!!!
First off, no we did not have sex, but what we did have was still very emotionally satisfying for me.
For months I have been trying to convince my wife to start up some kind of love life again. I knew that we were a long way off from having full blown sex, but I desperately wanted intimate contact of some kind and it fustrated me that my wife did not seem to be interested … at all. However, we recently had a long heart to heart discussion in which she admitted that she felt guilty about constantly brushing off my attempts at physical intimacy. She said that she wanted to give me what I wanted, but she felt that I would get frustrated when things didn’t go “all the way”. She thought it would be better to remain chaste rather than get me reved up and then not deliver the full blown experience. I told her that I was happy to have whatever she was comfortable to give in this department. She seemed dubious, but I guess she decided to take me at my word.
As we were getting ready for bed on valentines day she took off her shirt and revealed that in honor of the occassion she was wearing her sexiest bra. I took this as an invitation and offered to help her remove it. This led to a very enjoyable 30 minutes that featured lots of kissing, cuddling, petting and laughing. It was exactly the kind of thing that I have been hoping for the past few months. We both kept our pants on the whole time but it didn’t matter to me. I kept up my end of the deal and didn’t try to push things any further. I was just so happy that she initiated something on her own.
Today I am very happy and very optimistic about the months ahead.
Louie, that’s wonderful!
Well, its been a year and a half since we had a child and my wife equates how she feels sexually to being a eunuch. She swears that its not just me, but that the desire to masturbate, attraction to other men, fantasies, etc.. are all, just gone. On occasion, she throws me a sympathy oral sex. But I have nearly given up all hope of ever having a romantic, fulfilling sex life with this woman again. And it doesn’t seem to bother her like it does me. Suggestion to seek medical help has been all but ignored by her.
Well… it’ll be two years come this March 9th and I still feel the way Michael describes his wife! I hate feeling this way, I love my husband & son!!!!!! My husband is great! I just don;t know what to do anymore!
I think the longer that a couple is away from sex, the harder it is to get back in the swing again. With our first child we had no sex for almost two years (including the entire pregnancy and 13 months post partum). When we did start things back up again it was slow going. It was almost like we had to go back through all the stages went through when dating. I can still remember the first time (post baby) that my wife initiated sex and it was about 18 months post-partum. We had been sexually active for five months already, but it had been 100% on my initiative up to that point.
With my wife, I think she had to get back to having sex before she could get her libido back. It was like she had to have the experience a few times before she could get past the mental blocks and remember that sex was fun. I assume that the same thing will happen this time. If I keep applying gentle pressure (ie. don’t nag but don’t give up either) eventually she will agree to try having sex again and things will start rolling.
For the mothers out there, if you feel badly about your lack of sexual desire then maybe you just need to try doing it a couple of times. Try to get yourself in the mood, use lubrication if you have to. You might be suprised and find it enjoyable. Maybe it will help jump start your libido again.
On the other hand, fathers need to be aware that if mom agrees to try it, and it dosen’t work out, then you have to be accepting and supportive. If you get upset then it may be a while before she agrees to try again.
One of the things I learnt from my partner is that you have to look after yourself. If you don’t look after yourself, then you’re not going to be in a fit condition to look after anyone else.
I’ve lived for nearly two years on rationed, inhibited sex, and I have been throughout a brilliant dad and brilliant partner (I know this from the stories she brings me of her friends rubbish men, and because she tells me).
But she wants another baby, and I don’t think I can do this again. I’ve put my needs aside for two years, and it’s done my head in. If we have another child and it’s like this time I don’t think I can be the wonderful supportive man that she needs and that I want to be.
I have to think about my needs. If they are met then I can be everything she could hope for. But if they are not…
Hmmm, it’s a conundrum and no mistake!
(PS does anyone know what happened to Kate? Its like she died and Eliza is our new step-mum and no one is mentioning it.)
Oh yeah, Peter, lots of good and useful advice there, thanks for the thoughtful contribution. One thing though, some of us didn’t exactly have the kind of courtship you describe. We got together for sex, that was the whole point at first. It grew into something much, much more. But without the thing that started it all, it doesn’t make sense.
It’s hard to go back to something you never did…
First- Thanks for asking about me. I’m afraid I don’t know what happened with Kate but I hope I will do this blog justice and hope ya’ll will look at me more of a mom then a stepmom. hehe. I have four children so this scenario is familiar with me on many levels. Kind of a been there done that.
Having Sex after Birth-
For myself I’ve went through all the feelings. The I want it before 6 weeks and can’t wait for the doctor to give us the green light. The Ouch, ouch, ouch I’m never having sex again as it hurts still to do it. The I’m ugly, fat and my body will never be the same so I don’t want him to see it phase. And now it’s more of a with holding because I don’t want to get pregnant a 5th time so he’s going to snip it or something before ever doing it again.
Some guys don’t want to after watching their wives give birth. They are somewhat scared of never being able to please her after seeing something so big come out of her. (this is not coming from myself but husband)
I do believe that men and women both grow after giving birth. But at the same time we all deal with it in many different ways and while it is normal for some couples to jump at each other like rabbits there are others that just don’t.
Thanks Eliza for those very insightful and profound comments. We are certainly not going to miss Kate.
Speak for yourself, Ian. Some of us do miss Kate.
Speaking of which, how do I get this site to stop e-mailing me comments? Enough, already.
Under the comment section should be the text “Your are subscribed to this entry. Manage your subscriptions.” If you click manage you should be able to take yourself off it. Hope this helps.
Ian- Your welcome, hope it helps someone.
Ian
I know exactly what you are saying. I went through the same thought process when my wife told me it was time to start thinking about having a second child. At that point our sex life was just getting back on track (two years post partum), and I was not enthusiastic about going back into another long drought after a such a short time back in action.
However, when we got married we agreed that we were going to try and have at least two kids. Its one of those important subjects that you discuss before you get married in order to ensure that you are on the same page before you commit to a life together. The fact that kid #1 was such a bright and beautiful child also made me think that if we stopped at one we would always regret it. What if she could have had an equally bright and beautiful brother or sister but I nixed it because in the short term I didn’t want to give up sex.
I also thought about trying to space the kids out more (wait another year) but in the end we agreed that the younger the mom is the better the odds of a healthy pregnancy. Once we made the decision to start trying I consolled myself with the thought of having really intense sexual activity once a month for a few months. It didn’t work out that way. We got pregnant on the first try.
Now I am on the far side of the second baby experience. On the down side, this time was very much like the first one in terms of sex. We are 11 months post partum and still no sex and no idea of when it will return. However, we have another bright and beautiful child now.
I also have the knowledge that this is it for kids. My wife had too many complications with the last pregnancy so we are not going to try for any more. When the sex does return it will be here to stay.
In the mean time I read the book listed way up there somewhere (for those who don’t want to go hunting its called Good Husband, Great Marriage) because there were other (non-sexual) aspects of our relationship that needed to be fixed. I want my kids to grow up in a house hold where their mom and dad obviously love each other and get along.
Eventually the sex will come back too. I come here to gripe during the times when I get frustrated with how long its taking, but I know that sometime soon we will turn the corner and the physical loving will return. Then we will have another 15-18 years to enjoy it before menopause
Hi Ratphooey, sometimes I forget that Americans and British speak a different language, so my comments can be misintepreted.
My daughter is now 27 months, and since giving birth i have had no interest in sex what so ever. This resulted in me and partner seperating. However, before giving birth my libido was fine and now after 2 years, i am starting to worry. Is this normal?
Dawn, I too have the same issue going on, but fortunately for me my husband is still around; I am sorry your partner left. I am using an prescribed Estrogen Cream that is suppose to help since one of the main reasons for not having sex is that it just plain and simple hurts now, very very dry since childbirth… not so sure the cream is helping, I go back to Dr end of March. I also found another lubricant, Vigorelle, that actually does help. But the problem is not solved by a long ways! My Libido is still down too. SOMETHING has gotta help us!
Dawn
There are several things that are unclear from your message. Was the partner that you are seperated from the father of the child? Is he still involved with raising the child? Are you still breast feeding?
Regardless, I can only imagine that going through the emotional trauma of having your relationship with your partner break down while also struggling with the stress of being a new mom would be enough to cause anyone to sink into depression. Its pretty hard to be enthusiatic about sex when you are depressed.
If you think you may be suffering from depression then I would advise you to see your doctor.
As a personal note, I find it despicable that a new father would walk away from his family at a time that they need him so much. Regardless of what may be going on between the man and his wife (lack of sex or other issues) he helped bring a child into the world and he has a responsibility to stick around and help give that child the best chance of being happy in the world.
I will admit that during my darkest days after the birth of our first child, when I was convinced that my wife didn’t love me like she used to and maybe never would, I considered both the option of leaving her and having an affair. However, it didn’t take long for me to realize how selfish and destructive either of those things would have been. I was not going to let my short term need to feel loved and desired result in long term damage to the happiness of my wife and child.
I read that men who have sex three or more times a week are 50% less likely to have heart attacks.
Guys – please don’t use this information as a weapon!
Can I ask a question? It’s directed at some of the fine women who have contributed to this thread and shown a great deal of understanding for the male condition.
I understand that my partner struggles to find enjoyment in sex. She isn’t over-tired or overworked, we can be relaxed, happy, healthy and alone, but her libido is usually absent. She says she wants to feel amorous but just doesn’t.
What I struggle with, though, is that she also can’t find any reward in giving me a good time. It isn’t just that she is indifferent to me sexually, she actually seems to find it uncomfortable to touch me.
To put it crudely – if I ask for a foot rub that’s no problem. But if I ask for a handjob…
(sorry)
What is the mechanism at work here? What is it that makes pleasing the man you love such a problem?
I can’t really ask her – if I start talking in this kind of way she starts to feel bad about herself and shuts me out.
But I want understand. Ladies, can you help?
This is just a quick note, and probably the last that i will ever post here.
The long dry spell is over. We had one of the best sexual experiences of our married lives tonight. There was nothing awkward about it at all. We were both totally into it and it was truly magical.
There were times over the past few months that I really wondered if I should be pushing harder to get sex back on track. Now I am very glad that I waited until she decided that the time was right. It made a huge difference to know that she was as into it as I was.
I have my lover back
Good luck to Ian and everybody else here. I hope your ending is as happy as mine.
Go Louie!
You bastard! How dare you sort yourself out so suddenly?
Seriously, your problems have put mine into perspective, you’ve been a great help to me.
And I’m also quite excited about how things are going at my house at the moment.
Do come back again and let us know how things are with you. We’d appreciate it – don’t just dump us now you have your lover again!
(Yeah, I know, you want to leave all this behind, and if we never hear from you again then that’s also the best news we could get)
I keep hearing about woman who lost their sex drive. What about the men?
Our son is 7 months old and he doesn’t seem to want sex. Is that normal?? I’m so scared that he’s just not attracted to me anymore.
After reading the comments on this blog I really encourage everyone to read my friend Kathleen Hamilton’s book Sex After Baby, Why there is none. In a totally funny read Kathleen hits the nail on the head as she discusses post partum sex, hormones and women’s desires. She also talks about men and their feelings.
Thanks Susana, I’m not sure the book is available in the UK (or even outside Prince Edward Island!) but it looks interesting.
Another book on a similar theme is Confessions of a Naughty Mommy: How I Found My Lost Libido by Heidi Raykeil.
Since Kate left (was fired?) this blog has gone pretty dead on useful posts related to this subject, so any recommendations of where to get more information and advice are most welcome.
Eric- Are you still around? Have things changed between your wife and you? After reading your comment today I feel a familiarity with it. I am your wife, okay not really, but I have been doing this very thing to my husband. It’s not that I don’t want sex, but it’s being home all day, I want to look pretty, spruced up a bit, not in the same thing and a shower without a child present. I have no clue if this is going on with her but another issue for me is the fear of getting pregnant, she may be worried about getting pregnant again so soon.
Try talking with her, telling her how you feel. If it doesn’t work and you’ve read books or articles that you can get your hands on, I’d suggest counseling. As other comments have stated, sometimes there is more to it. Good luck and please keep us posted.
Sandra- After my 3rd child this happened between the husband and me. I’d actually gained weight and for some reason it really got to him. Not sure if that is your case, or how many other kids you may have. If it is a first he may be a bit scared after seeing the birth. I’ve heard of that happening. Mine finally outgrew or got over that but then when we had our fourth roles got reversed and it is now me that isn’t interested. Keep us posted, hopefully a guy can give their point of view on the subject of why he might not be interested.
before i fell pregnant with my first child my sex life was great with my partner and when i was pregnant i had a very high sex drive then things changed after my son was born who is now 1 i dnt feel at all interested in sex and i feel so guilty towards my partner who feels rejected sometimes. i am now expecting my little girl in 8 weeks( sex didnt go out the window all together but i sometimes feel like i should be doing it for his sake) i would really like some tips on how to make things more romantic for after when shes born so that i can feel good about myself again like i used to.
What’s wrong with feeling like you should be doing it for his sake? Don’t you find it rewarding to please him? Feel good about yourself for that.
What can I do?
My wife and I have been happily married for nearly 5 years. We have two babies, one is 26 months and the other is 8 months. As is consistent with so many of the posts, my wife no longer desires sex. We are intimate about once per month. Im looking for some female insight. I truly love my wife and do all that I can to giver her the life she deserves. I provide such that she doesnt have to work and have committed to do so indefinitely since she was pregnant with our first. Im a Phd student so my schedule is flexible. Utilizing that flexibility I will come home during the day to help out and work into the wee hours of the night to complete work. I clean the house, do the laundry, cook the meals, take the kids every moment that Im home, and so on and so forth. Additionally, I lavish her in jewelry, flowers and unexpected gifts. I read marriage books and talk with her in an effort to understand her decreased libido and more importantly her total disgust with me in any affectionate matter. She doesnt like kisses and is generally repulsed. Im in excellent shape and live a clean lifestyle so I know it is not superficial disgust.
Basically I do all that I can and it just doesn’t seem to do anything for her. She doesn’t want to discuss my feelings or needs and is generally unresponsive sexually or emotionally with me.
HELP?
My son is 9 months old now and I am still experiencing extreme pain with intercourse, This fact largley affects my sex drive. I give my spouse oral sex and hand jobs about 2 times a week and i suffer through sex maybe once every week and a half – 2 weeks. The doctor things i may have endometriosis. And i am not breastfeeding now for 2 months with no period. I am desperate to get my sex drive back and would love to be my mans fantasy again. Reading the mens comments really does make me feel like i need to try harder. What a struggle we all go through. I guess thats just life!
I decided I would poke my head in here to see what is going on. I have a couple of comments to add.
First off, I have my lover back but we are still along ways off from having the kind of roaring sex life that we had before kids. With flu bugs and teething and various other stresses it is still very hard some weeks for my wife to find the energy for sex. The past few weeks it seems like its been one thing after another and my poor wife has been totally exhausted. However, it feels different now. We have gotten past the hurdle of her having no libido. Now its more a matter of having no energy
Oh well. I’ll take what I can get when I can get it.
Kali
- I would say that if your husband is getting oral sex or hand jobs twice a week then he has it very very good. If you need more time to heal before carrying on with intercourse than your husband just needs to suck it up and wait. Tell him to come read this forum and he will see that lots of guys would die to have a wife who accomodates their sexual appetite as well as you do. You have nothing to feel bad about.
I have read most of these comments, and it appears that you get one extreem or another. Clearly hormonal changes post partum are the biggest factor in loss of labido in women. It’s a natural insurance policy for the baby to ensure that its needs are met. The problem is, we live in a society that promotes monogomy. This goes against the natural instincts of men, who have been cursed with a very high labido. So while women go from desire to mate to complete collaps of labido to care for the new offspring, men are left feeling rejected and feeling that their needs are not important. For men, the physical act of intercourse is an expression of love and caring. Something most of the women here have no knowledge of. You are asking your male partner to give up the one thing that makes him feel loved and accepted by his mate. So those of you who say, suck it up, need to have some empathy for your mates. Not only does your male partner not get his sexual needs met, but he is also emotionally detached as you spend all you waking hours devoted to this new child. And as for those of you who talk about your husbands not doing their share, it is my guess that many of you are “stay at home moms” at the expense of your husband working full time. It is also my guess that you signed on for the role of mother when you began trying to get pregnant. I am not saying that dad’s cannot help out around the house with basic duties, such as garbage and dishes, but it sounds like you want them to play double duty. And just for the record, being tired does not curb a man’s desire for sex. Not to say that men cannot go without for a reasonable time frame. We are not completely without understanding. In fact most men are empathetic to the fact that their wives are tired and sleep deprived, but let’s be honest, we are only asking for 10 minutes or less of your time. If it hurts for you to have intercourse, there is another tried and true way that I know your husbands will enjoy. After all ladies, how many of your men actually enjoy taking you to those chick flicks, or spending time with you shopping at the mall while holding your purse. Men do plenty of things that they do not enjoy because they love their wives. The least you could do is pretend you still love them by fufilling such a basic need to make them feel wanted and loved.
Brian, I think the conclusion that we have all come to, and it’s mutual, is that women/men just don’t get it!
It has been 13 months and we had some complications at birth(she vomited the baby out and tore..it was awful for her). My wife had a second degree tear and her hormone levels from breast feeding made tearing even more likely for intercourse. We tried a total of 3 times after hormone treatment. One actual sexual act in 13 mo. and I have to say it has been rough. A man and women just are different about sex and desire. My personal opinion is breast feeding is great and my child’s health and his mother and her bonding is worth some wait on sex. 13 mo. is hard to live with but I love my wife and want her to want to have sex rather than feel a sense of duty. I will say on the other hand that sex is very primal instinct and for a man is quite like drugs for a junky. (just being honest) I am worried about our relationship now more than ever. I have taken care of our son for 7 mo. or so(daddy day care) and I help in many area’s so I am wondering how to get real intimacy back in our lives and genuine love for a long term life of happiness. I would love some professional opinions or other thoughts.
Thanks,
=]
This used to be a really useful and interesting forum for this discussion. but with no imput from the person who’s job it is to oversee the thing it has just died.
Is there anywhere else to go? Anyone?
Hi Ian
You might like to visit http://reclaimsexafterbirth.com/blog/the-6-week-check
Your opinion is very welcome and we have two authors answering questions.
Hi – thanks so much for a wonderful forum and such kind words and advice to all these women.. and for Ian,
Reclaiming your personal space, your energy and your sexuality is a journey all women attempt, but for many, they do not have the tools to undertake it successfully. ( I am saying ‘women’ – as obviously I am not a man and feel I cannot comment on that journey – but I’d love to hear from men!!)
Check out http://www.reclaimsexafterbith.com which is there to dispel and defuse the deeply embedded belief that women should ‘Just get over themselves and get back on the job’ when it comes to sex – it is far more complex than that, as the personal stories show. I think its time that women stop carrying the guilt that it is ‘their fault’ that a couple’s sex life is not like it once was. This is unfair and destructive to a relationship in the short and long term. There are so many assumptions around initiating and maintaining a sex life after birth which are wrong or simplistic. In no way am I demonizing men, as they are often as confused, hurt and trying to make sense of their new role as well.
So in a nutshell – everyone is different, their emotional, psychological and physical needs all heal and grow at differing rates. Reclaiming your sexuality can be a wonderful adventure – so don’t treat it as a chore or something that you just gotta do.
My wife and I are still struggling with this issue. Since Kid #2 was born 19 months ago my wife has had a totally flat libido. It looked like it was starting to come back a few months ago, but things quickly went back to zero again.
I know that being a stay at home mom to two toddlers is exhasuting. I know that she is afraid of getting pregnant again, and I know that the pill has been messing up her hormones. I understand all of these things.
The part I don’t understand is why she is so unwilling to face the issue. I have tried hard to convince her that her low libido was partly caused by the pill but she didn’t believe me. She didn’t even want to talk about it. Now she has been taken off the pill by her doctor for other reasons (migranes) so hopefully things will improve. I’m glad that she is off the pill, but I still find it frustrating that she wouldn’t discuss it until a friend mentionned that her headaches may be caused by the pill. Then she was off it within a couple of days.
The other thing that drives me nuts is the way she reacts every time I bring up the subject of sex. It dosen’t matter how long its been since the last time we discussed it (weeks or months) she always acts like this is something completely new that I have sprung on her. She tells me that she had no idea I was so unhappy, and I should have brought it up sooner instead of jumping on her when she dosen’t expect it, then she always closes off by telling me to be patient and stop bugging her about sex. First off, she knows I am not happy about our sex life and haven’t been for months so why does she always act so surprised when it comes up. Did she think that since I hadn’t mentioned it in a couple of months that the problem had gone away? And why tell me that I need to talk to her more often (she can’t read my mind) and then tell me to stop bringing this subject up? Which does she want?
Its very frustrating.
I just happened to check this blog now and found that, coincidentally, I had posted here exactly one year ago today. You might check my entry on November 26, 2007 to see my situation then. Now I can update what’s happened over the last year: almost nothing. It’s basically the same. Now our children are 5 and 3.5. They are doing great. Our 5-year old boy just was admitted into one of the best, most competitive, primary schools in our city. Our 3.5 year old is a beautiful girl who is more and more fluent in our 2 languages. We still have a live-in maid to do most of the cleaning, cooking, shopping, and chores with the children. My wife and I both still work long hours at busy jobs. She has talked about how much she hates her job and how she looks forward to quitting or being fired for years (since we met!), but she won’t actually take the step of quitting (she always wants more money although we already have enough to retire; or maybe she really enjoys her job more than her complaining suggests). During summer, when she doesn’t work, her libido doesn’t improve, thus stress or fatigue seem not to be major factors. Since we had kids, she started calling me “Daddy,” which sounds cute, but in the context of losing her desire for me as a lover, it sounds like a sad confirmation to me that I’m just her baby daddy, not her lover. She still refuses every time I request we go to marriage counseling, thus I have gone myself, but it is hard to change anything with just one of us trying.
I’m losing patience and thinking of leaving her. I’ve been sad for years. I feel sorry for her, although I’d feel more sympathy if she would at least try counseling or reading a book. Although it seems tragic to break up our family, it also seems tragic to live for the rest of my life without a woman who likes to have sex with me.
Can any of you tell me how long you took to recover your libido (or not) after birth? Or what caused your libido to return (if you have any idea)?
Thank you very much!
Hi Larry,
It sounds like things have been really tough for you.
I had the experience of being really busy with work, not getting enough sleep, and not having any libido after giving birth to our son (who’s now three and a half.) It did take a while for my libido to come back: definitely more than a year, and in part it took some readjustment on both our parts to kick-start it.
I would say that the most important thing that helped get my libido going again was having really good sex. I’m serious! My husband and I took some time (spontaneously, as it turned out) to ourselves, had some highly proficient sex, and after that — wow.
That’s not to say that all our problems have been solved. They aren’t! Both of us are busy enough that it’s hard to have sex often enough to keep my libido on “high” like it was immediately after that. That’s one of the things I think is often the case about women — if we don’t have sex frequently enough, our bodies do the opposite of what mens’ bodies do: they let us forget about sex — they learn to do without it. (This is not the case for all women, I’m sure, but I think it’s a lot more common for women than for men.)
It can be hard to convince your partner to take time to relax, especially if both of you have busy jobs. But maybe you can schedule some special, romantic time away from family, work, house, and everything, and rekindle the romantic side of your relationship.
One of the difficulties for both of you (which my husband and I are also struggling with) is going to be to let go of your unhappiness long enough to get close to each other again. You’ve built up a lot of scar tissue and “hot” buttons in the last five years. The way I try to do it is to stay as low-key as possible and try to treat my husband with the same courtesy as I would treat one of my colleagues — so I don’t snap at him all the time. (I’m still working on this one.) This will help heal some of that scar tissue so that you can rebuild trust in each other. It’s very hard to open yourself up to a person when you perceive that they’ve hurt you time and again, but remember that you really have built some beautiful things together, too, and you *can* forgive the hurt if you try, and move on to having an even better relationship than before.
Best of luck! I hope it works out for you.
-Arwyn
Thanks, Arwyn. That looks like a really good thing to try. I can turn the other cheek and be loving with my wife; I have been nearly the whole time (at least I think I have been; I hope she see’s my behavior the same way). The difficulty will be convincing my wife to relax and want to try to have good sex. It’s a Catch-22, isn’t it? She is happy now, without (or with little) sex, thus she has little motivation to change her feeling by trying new things to discover ways to be stimulated by sex. That’s basically what she has told me. For her, it’s easier to just go through the motions to keep me minimally satisfied, but not to try to stimulate herself since she feels fine without it. Somehow, I’ve got to be a very convincing salesman (which I’m not!) to get my wife to want to take the time and arrange her schedule and her thoughts to relax. I feels it’s like selling a refrigerator to an Eskimo.
I congratulate you on your effort and success. Please keep up trying to be nice to your husband. I always thought it was a bizarre paradox that my wife sometimes yells at me although neither she nor I would yell at strangers, colleagues, or friends. Why should she treat one of the people she loves the most (me) in a way worse than anyone else? I always try to treat her at least as well as anyone else. Anyway, I’ve heard that it’s common for couples to fight, though I don’t feel like it myself. Maybe living and sharing so much makes the stakes much higher; every action of your spouse may affect important things in your life, thus spurring you to defense. Keep up what you’re doing!