More Silence on Sex and the New Mother
October 9, 2006 by kate baggott
Filed under Mental Health
As you know, I avoid talking about sex, even though the question on almost every new mother’s mind is when, or even if, she will ever feel like doing the deed again. There are a lot of reasons for a post partum mother to avoid sex. First, there is the prohibition against doing it while the postpartum blood is still in evidence due to fear of infection. This later progresses to a fear of pain, and goes on to memories of being stitched back together. Add to that sleep starvation, fear of another pregnancy, the hormonal demands and changes of breastfeeding…the lack of desire can fill a room.
I would also add anger and/or jealousy to my list of desire killers. My husband, who is an involved father, has still never lost a nights sleep or gone without a shower. And, when I come across a porn site in the browser cache, I don’t feel especially threatened, but jealous that he has the energy for anything remotely sexual in nature. And, if anything in life were fair, if the work in this house and family were anywhere near equal, he wouldn’t even have a spare moment for anything but a brief blog entry to complain about how unattentive I am. So, if you are a new father reading this and looking for ways to ignite your wife’s desire, the answer is simple: get to work, interact with your kids and do housework until you fall into bed completely exhausted for about 6 weeks. Still, I always assumed the irregular nature of the parental sex schedule was temporary.
Besides, according to a column in the Guardian about Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity - Reconciling the Erotic & the Domestic, many long term partnerships experience a time without sex. And it may be a period of time that doesn’t need to be discussed.
Because, in Perel’s lecture that is the subject of the Guardian column, she seems to have lost contact with the reality that childlessness and parenting are completely different states, especially regarding the concepts of tiredness and stressed-outedness.
- You’re too stressed and tired for sex? Like you weren’t stressed and busy and tired when you were hot and single! What happens is that the erotic is transferred on to the child. Who gets the long languorous hugs, the playfulness, the fun, the fashion shows, the teasing, the multiple kisses? The child! It’s often easier to say: “I’m so exhausted, I’m too tired for sex,” when what you actually mean is: I have a sensual connection with my child, and I’m getting everything from him or her. On the list of what it takes to raise a happy child, you never see: parents with a good sex life. It should be there!’
So you know something Esther? The only thing that kept me up all night pre-parenthood was sex. And, the last thing I felt afterward was not stress. In fact, I could get through the work day feeling really feminine and crash into my soft pillow the moment I get home. The entire night was mine to sleep through. The night is not mine anymore. Sex was once a lovely distraction from work-stress which no longer even enters my stress radar. In fact, I now leave home to experience work-stress every day because it is so much more relaxing than housewife and stay at home mother stress. And, as for being tired! I had no idea what tiredness was before I became a parent.
The affection I get from and give to the kids? It is very nice, but if it gave me everything I need, I probably wouldn’t be ready to discredit every word of your manuscript to rhetorical pieces. I can never read your book now Esther. It might drive me to absolute abstinence.
The title of the book was very provocative - reconciling the erotic and domestic. I mean, newborn months aside, there is that. How to feel erotic towards the man when you are washing racing stripes out of his pants. Not sexy. The pull of affairs for these men? It’s the thrill of the hunt, the excitement of the unfamiliar, the lover who you haven’t seen pissed off, puking, reeking of old breast milk and vomit. Too bad she apparently missed the point.
Sex with Newborns? I honestly believe that we are not meant to be sexually active with newborns. How can we be expected to want sex when we are sleep deprived, hormone-tilted from breastfeeding, touched-out and only recently split open? It’s nature’s way of spacing out the births. I honestly believe that. And I would happily give my husband free reign with as many magazines or websites as he wants until one or two of those factors shifts.
Jill- SOmething’s got to shift sooner or later…
Hi, very interesting blog and comments, thanks for hosting it all. I confess that I’m neither married nor a parent. I’m on here doing research for a screenplay. But I do have a message for kbaggot: As a writer, I spend a great deal of time and mental energy on people, and on their relationships, habits, motivations, responses, etc. So when I read your statement that you are “ready to discredit every word of [Esther Perel's book 'Mating in Captivity']” and that you “can never read [Esther's] book”, I perceive that what motivates that statement is 0% reason and 100% fear-based resistance. Fear of what? Of the possibility that Esther’s right. I’m not saying that she IS right, or that you’re wrong. I’m just saying that the knee-jerk nature of your response indicates that you sense that reading her book may constructively challenge a great deal of the fear-based assumptions that you currently maintain about the topic. So read it. And as you read it, don’t react against it. Instead, keep an open mind. Let her message find its place in your mind. Doing so won’t do any harm, to you, your husband, or your kids. Continuing to close your mind to contrarian ideas is guaranteed to. That’s all. Lots of love from me.
Rey- As a writer myself, I have learned that it is easiest to work within the confines of the genre I am working in at the moment. In this case, that genre is blogging which is as much about opinion. as screen writing is about the three-act structure. I am entitled to express mine, you are entitled to express yours.
Since you’re basically a blog tourist and don’t have the personal experience of parenthood or marriage to use as a frame of reference, I think you should read Esther’s book, buy it, get married, have some children and dedicate yourself to understanding the instincts required by the lifestyle.
And, then, once you’ve found out that there are indeed some frames of reference to work from, open yourself, your work, your life to the world and feel free to discuss your fears, your assumptions, and even your knee-jerk reactions. And maybe you will find some value in the process, perhaps even some thoughtful discussion. These are the comforts in dealing with the massive changes after people become parents and dedicate themselves to the care and needs and protection of others.