Need Advice: Single Mothers
April 5, 2006 by kate baggott
Filed under Mental Health
Are there any single mothers out there who would like to share their experiences in an interview with me to be posted on this blog? I am looking for single mothers who either have an infant or became single when one of their children was an infant.
Since having a baby is one of the most stressful times in a relationship, it just occured to me that some couples just don’t get through it. I bet the only thing harder than realising that you’re breaking up while you have a very dependent baby, is doing it with no where to turn. I hope Babylune can provide at least one source of advice.
b5 blogger Glo of Filipina Soul has been a single mother from the start. E-mail her and see (gloria@b5media.com)?
Single Mom here…. What can I say, it’s incredibly difficult to be a single parent, but it can be done, and it is done. What I miss the most about not having a partner to share the responsability is free time and someone to share in the decision making process for different issues, such as healthcare, schooling, church etc… Dating is difficult too. However, being a single parent also has it’s rewards. One gets to do exactly what they want to do, and at anytime without any discussions. One gets to spend the money in any way they want to. I suppose the children will also be closer and have bonded so much more with the sole care giver, than with the absent parent. I’ll be happy to share more experiences or give more information regarding this topic, if you’d like.
Hi Susana,
I sent you an email last night. Thanks for posting this note.
Kate
I am a 30 year old single mother of three boys. My (nearly) ex-husband ended our marriage after a night on the beers, two weeks before the birth of son number 3! I cannot say how I have survived. I have lost my home, farm, business, animals and some friends. BUT 18 months down the line I no longer have post natal depression. My children are great, my divorce is nearly complete and I am 100 miles away from the thing I thought was a good enough person to marry. I am lucky as I have great friends and made new ones. Things could have been worse and I have to try to look forward without being scared. My family are really great now but it has taken time and discussions and lots of mis understandings, raw emotions and mis communications.
Jo, 18 months on, I congratulate you. I think you are strong and probably a better mother. I hope your boys grow into men who admire, respect and love you.
I appreciate your posting here because there is a difference between post-baby stress and stresses married people shouldn’t have to/ just can’t live with.
Thank you for telling us all that the end of a marriage is not the end of the world, but the beginning of a new life.
hello K, i’d be willing to be interviewed. drop me an email.
Me! I found out about his cheating and he left the first time when I was about five months pregnant. He came back and left again almost exactly a year later.
Hi Dorene & Gloria,
Please look for my email messages and thank you for commenting here.
I have been a single mother from the start. But I have had a very tough time lately. My child’s father has had problems lately and blames everything on me. I am wondering if someone could help me, give advice, or if any one has been through this before. He has quit his job, dropped insurance on my child, and moved away to Florida. He has seen his son 5 times in 14 & 1/2 months. I do not know what to really do about this situation. And I do not know if you have ever thought about things like this, but my son will go to his father if I was to die, instead of my mother, whom we live with. Any advice? sjs72984@yahoo.com
Samantha- Please read http://www.solomother.com
Christina talks about these issues all the time and, if you leave a will and your husband has no contact, your mother will get your child. Just get that will written!
Well thanks kbaggott But the thing is, is that we have never been married. This is just a relationship gone bad to put it in short terms. sjs72984@yahoo.com
samantha, i just sent my email to kate. took me a long time to whip up the answers to her single-mom question. here’s a few i’d like to let u know:
ive never been married too. my ex prcatically disappeared when i told him i was pregnant with his child and blamed me for everything. took me awhile to accept that we won’t come back and help me out. after doing anything i can to reach out and he hadn’t met me halfway, i went ahead and took charge of our lives, mine and my son’s.
now that i am living a better life without him and without any other man as well, i came to realize that i am better off without him. he doesn’t have a legal claim to my son as well because he didn’t sign any paternity clause. i haven’t written a will (not yet) but i am not going to trust the future of my child upon my death to asuch an irresposible bastard. even if that bastard is my son’s own blood and father.
well i guess i said enough but i just wan’t you to know that you are not alone in your situation. I was there too but I made my life better for my son’s sake and mine as well. A single mom’s life gets BETTER, believe me.
Gloria- Thank you for being so appropriate and right on time!
Hi. Well, I am a single mother of a six month old baby boy. Somewhat different from the other responses I have heard here, my babies biological father DOES want to have contact with him (which is good in big picture) however, wants to provide very little financial support and has little or no idea about the life and needs of an infant. THIS is the difficult part for us. On top of that after no financial or emotional support from him during the pregnancy (though we were still supposedly in a relationship) I called it quits at the end of five months. Figured I would rather raise a healthy baby boy alone surrounded by very supportive friends and family than surrounded by an unhealthy relationship. The magical part of this story is when I was seven months pregnant I went out for lunch with an old acquaintance who I had not seen in a year and have known for 16years (!) and we have been together ever since!!! I am in an incredibly healthy happy and well-rounded relationship, we are engaged and moving in, and are functioning like the family I have always dreamed of.
Wish it were juuuust that simple but of course now the biological father wants lots of visits and is pressuring me to leave him with my baby boy (isn’t going to happen). I have suggested mediation to work through some of these issues but so far no go.
I usually feel I know what is right but have difficult looking at this situation objectively. I am still “mama bear” with my baby and wish his biological father would just go away.
Any advice or support would be SO appreciated!
Mama Kelly
p.s. the biological father and I were never engaged, or married, and never lived together
Well Kelly, it looks like a petition for child support and a formal custody agreement have to be made.
Obviously, guidelines on how much your ex has to pay based on his salary will have to be applied. The way things are now, your ex could basically wander in, take the baby and you would have no legal recourse.
It’s easy enough to say “get a lawyer” but many family lawyers seem to incompetent and a judge is likely to order you both to mediation anyway.
There is no reason why you can’t visit a mediator alone to define the agenda and have a document sent to him to start the process.
My advice is to draw up an agreement that formalizes support and visitation that is based on more money and less visitation time than you are prepared to live with. Give him 15 days to respond via the usual channels and/or start enforcing it.
In some countries/states a father who is not married has almost no rights. In others, it often seems they have more legal rights than the mother.
Unless you get married and your spouse adopts your son, which requires your ex to give up his parental rights, you are stuck with your ex’s involvement in your son’t life…which is probably better for the baby if the contact is regular, reliable and loving.
That said, I have heard of mothers who were able to use unpaid child support as a bargaining tool in having men give up their parental rights.
You do have to proceed carefully, any problems and you could find yourself sharing custoday 50-50. And I am not sure you want to see your baby switch homes every two weeks for the next 18 years.
28 Year old mom of 6 month old Jacob…and trying to make that step to be a single mom…Jake’s dad is an alchoholic who was going through rehab(court ordered) when we conceived…now he’s out all the time again and I just cant take this being home and WONDERING….I’m so scared though about doing it alone….I just dont know WHAT to do…
Jenny, don’t be scared. you CAN do it alone. just focus on your baby’s sake and future, everything else will follow.
I have been a single mother from the start. I was one of the dumb young girls that believe what every married man tells a girl when he is having a affair. But this affair ended up getting me pregnant. He went back and fourth through my whole pregnancy. One week he loved me and wanted to have our son, and the next week he did not want anything to do with me. This was the first time I was pregnant, and for some reason didn’t think I could do it on my own. So I kept taking him back over and over. I had my son on Christmas Ever. His father was no where to be found. My son is 3 months old and he has only seen him once, and that was just to take a paternity test. Even after he found out it was his, he has not called or been over to see our son. Now that I have been doing everything on my own and see I can do it. I wish I could have dropped him from the start. But we live and we learn. And now I have a beautiful son who means everything to me.