Comments on: Need Advice: Single Mothers http://www.blisstree.com/babylune/need-advice-single-mothers/ Adventures in post-partum recovery. Fri, 04 Dec 2009 18:55:43 -0500 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Sarah http://www.blisstree.com/babylune/need-advice-single-mothers/comment-page-1/#comment-10112 Sarah Mon, 16 Mar 2009 01:58:01 +0000 http://www.babylune.com/need-advice-single-mothers/#comment-10112 I have been a single mother from the start. I was one of the dumb young girls that believe what every married man tells a girl when he is having a affair. But this affair ended up getting me pregnant. He went back and fourth through my whole pregnancy. One week he loved me and wanted to have our son, and the next week he did not want anything to do with me. This was the first time I was pregnant, and for some reason didn't think I could do it on my own. So I kept taking him back over and over. I had my son on Christmas Ever. His father was no where to be found. My son is 3 months old and he has only seen him once, and that was just to take a paternity test. Even after he found out it was his, he has not called or been over to see our son. Now that I have been doing everything on my own and see I can do it. I wish I could have dropped him from the start. But we live and we learn. And now I have a beautiful son who means everything to me. I have been a single mother from the start. I was one of the dumb young girls that believe what every married man tells a girl when he is having a affair. But this affair ended up getting me pregnant. He went back and fourth through my whole pregnancy. One week he loved me and wanted to have our son, and the next week he did not want anything to do with me. This was the first time I was pregnant, and for some reason didn’t think I could do it on my own. So I kept taking him back over and over. I had my son on Christmas Ever. His father was no where to be found. My son is 3 months old and he has only seen him once, and that was just to take a paternity test. Even after he found out it was his, he has not called or been over to see our son. Now that I have been doing everything on my own and see I can do it. I wish I could have dropped him from the start. But we live and we learn. And now I have a beautiful son who means everything to me.

]]> By: An Update from A Single Mom http://www.blisstree.com/babylune/need-advice-single-mothers/comment-page-1/#comment-3001 An Update from A Single Mom Fri, 16 Nov 2007 16:03:40 +0000 http://www.babylune.com/need-advice-single-mothers/#comment-3001 [...] this blog was just a newborn, I asked readers who happen to be single mothers for advice. This was before Solomother was the rockingest single-parent blogger on the block.  As part of [...] [...] this blog was just a newborn, I asked readers who happen to be single mothers for advice. This was before Solomother was the rockingest single-parent blogger on the block.  As part of [...]

]]> By: Daragang Magayon: The Life and Loves of a Single Mom (ex-Chemist) Turned Problogger » A Solo Mother and the Babylune Interview http://www.blisstree.com/babylune/need-advice-single-mothers/comment-page-1/#comment-1138 Daragang Magayon: The Life and Loves of a Single Mom (ex-Chemist) Turned Problogger » A Solo Mother and the Babylune Interview Mon, 18 Dec 2006 02:13:14 +0000 http://www.babylune.com/need-advice-single-mothers/#comment-1138 [...] Anyway, like speedlinking, I want to point you out to the blog(s) closest to my heart. While I truly love (and find very informative) Melissa’s Parenting-Weblog, b5media’s Solo Mother has striken me with a slight pinch right in the middle of my heart. [...] [...] Anyway, like speedlinking, I want to point you out to the blog(s) closest to my heart. While I truly love (and find very informative) Melissa’s Parenting-Weblog, b5media’s Solo Mother has striken me with a slight pinch right in the middle of my heart. [...]

]]> By: Babylune » Going It Alone: Single with Infant http://www.blisstree.com/babylune/need-advice-single-mothers/comment-page-1/#comment-1049 Babylune » Going It Alone: Single with Infant Wed, 29 Nov 2006 08:48:13 +0000 http://www.babylune.com/need-advice-single-mothers/#comment-1049 [...] One of the most popular posts on this blog is called Need Advice: Single Mothers. I wrote the post because having a child, especially the second, third, four or more child, is a very stressful time in any relationship. Some relationships just don’t make it and, for a woman alone with a tiny baby, that can be a very scary prospect.  Gloria Gamat, who writes Cancer Commentary, has been a single mother to her son since the very beginning of his life. I asked her about some of the issues she has faced and found out that single motherhood is tough, but manageable. [...] [...] One of the most popular posts on this blog is called Need Advice: Single Mothers. I wrote the post because having a child, especially the second, third, four or more child, is a very stressful time in any relationship. Some relationships just don’t make it and, for a woman alone with a tiny baby, that can be a very scary prospect.  Gloria Gamat, who writes Cancer Commentary, has been a single mother to her son since the very beginning of his life. I asked her about some of the issues she has faced and found out that single motherhood is tough, but manageable. [...]

]]> By: Gloria http://www.blisstree.com/babylune/need-advice-single-mothers/comment-page-1/#comment-1048 Gloria Wed, 29 Nov 2006 07:20:04 +0000 http://www.babylune.com/need-advice-single-mothers/#comment-1048 Jenny, don't be scared. you CAN do it alone. just focus on your baby's sake and future, everything else will follow. Jenny, don’t be scared. you CAN do it alone. just focus on your baby’s sake and future, everything else will follow.

]]> By: Jenny http://www.blisstree.com/babylune/need-advice-single-mothers/comment-page-1/#comment-1046 Jenny Wed, 29 Nov 2006 01:26:51 +0000 http://www.babylune.com/need-advice-single-mothers/#comment-1046 28 Year old mom of 6 month old Jacob...and trying to make that step to be a single mom...Jake's dad is an alchoholic who was going through rehab(court ordered) when we conceived...now he's out all the time again and I just cant take this being home and WONDERING....I'm so scared though about doing it alone....I just dont know WHAT to do... 28 Year old mom of 6 month old Jacob…and trying to make that step to be a single mom…Jake’s dad is an alchoholic who was going through rehab(court ordered) when we conceived…now he’s out all the time again and I just cant take this being home and WONDERING….I’m so scared though about doing it alone….I just dont know WHAT to do…

]]> By: kbaggott http://www.blisstree.com/babylune/need-advice-single-mothers/comment-page-1/#comment-1030 kbaggott Sun, 26 Nov 2006 07:48:27 +0000 http://www.babylune.com/need-advice-single-mothers/#comment-1030 Well Kelly, it looks like a petition for child support and a formal custody agreement have to be made. Obviously, guidelines on how much your ex has to pay based on his salary will have to be applied. The way things are now, your ex could basically wander in, take the baby and you would have no legal recourse. It's easy enough to say "get a lawyer" but many family lawyers seem to incompetent and a judge is likely to order you both to mediation anyway. There is no reason why you can't visit a mediator alone to define the agenda and have a document sent to him to start the process. My advice is to draw up an agreement that formalizes support and visitation that is based on more money and less visitation time than you are prepared to live with. Give him 15 days to respond via the usual channels and/or start enforcing it. In some countries/states a father who is not married has almost no rights. In others, it often seems they have more legal rights than the mother. Unless you get married and your spouse adopts your son, which requires your ex to give up his parental rights, you are stuck with your ex's involvement in your son't life...which is probably better for the baby if the contact is regular, reliable and loving. That said, I have heard of mothers who were able to use unpaid child support as a bargaining tool in having men give up their parental rights. You do have to proceed carefully, any problems and you could find yourself sharing custoday 50-50. And I am not sure you want to see your baby switch homes every two weeks for the next 18 years. Well Kelly, it looks like a petition for child support and a formal custody agreement have to be made.

Obviously, guidelines on how much your ex has to pay based on his salary will have to be applied. The way things are now, your ex could basically wander in, take the baby and you would have no legal recourse.

It’s easy enough to say “get a lawyer” but many family lawyers seem to incompetent and a judge is likely to order you both to mediation anyway.

There is no reason why you can’t visit a mediator alone to define the agenda and have a document sent to him to start the process.

My advice is to draw up an agreement that formalizes support and visitation that is based on more money and less visitation time than you are prepared to live with. Give him 15 days to respond via the usual channels and/or start enforcing it.

In some countries/states a father who is not married has almost no rights. In others, it often seems they have more legal rights than the mother.

Unless you get married and your spouse adopts your son, which requires your ex to give up his parental rights, you are stuck with your ex’s involvement in your son’t life…which is probably better for the baby if the contact is regular, reliable and loving.

That said, I have heard of mothers who were able to use unpaid child support as a bargaining tool in having men give up their parental rights.

You do have to proceed carefully, any problems and you could find yourself sharing custoday 50-50. And I am not sure you want to see your baby switch homes every two weeks for the next 18 years.

]]> By: MamaKelly http://www.blisstree.com/babylune/need-advice-single-mothers/comment-page-1/#comment-1026 MamaKelly Sat, 25 Nov 2006 13:38:12 +0000 http://www.babylune.com/need-advice-single-mothers/#comment-1026 Hi. Well, I am a single mother of a six month old baby boy. Somewhat different from the other responses I have heard here, my babies biological father DOES want to have contact with him (which is good in big picture) however, wants to provide very little financial support and has little or no idea about the life and needs of an infant. THIS is the difficult part for us. On top of that after no financial or emotional support from him during the pregnancy (though we were still supposedly in a relationship) I called it quits at the end of five months. Figured I would rather raise a healthy baby boy alone surrounded by very supportive friends and family than surrounded by an unhealthy relationship. The magical part of this story is when I was seven months pregnant I went out for lunch with an old acquaintance who I had not seen in a year and have known for 16years (!) and we have been together ever since!!! I am in an incredibly healthy happy and well-rounded relationship, we are engaged and moving in, and are functioning like the family I have always dreamed of. :) Wish it were juuuust that simple but of course now the biological father wants lots of visits and is pressuring me to leave him with my baby boy (isn't going to happen). I have suggested mediation to work through some of these issues but so far no go. I usually feel I know what is right but have difficult looking at this situation objectively. I am still "mama bear" with my baby and wish his biological father would just go away. Any advice or support would be SO appreciated! Mama Kelly p.s. the biological father and I were never engaged, or married, and never lived together Hi. Well, I am a single mother of a six month old baby boy. Somewhat different from the other responses I have heard here, my babies biological father DOES want to have contact with him (which is good in big picture) however, wants to provide very little financial support and has little or no idea about the life and needs of an infant. THIS is the difficult part for us. On top of that after no financial or emotional support from him during the pregnancy (though we were still supposedly in a relationship) I called it quits at the end of five months. Figured I would rather raise a healthy baby boy alone surrounded by very supportive friends and family than surrounded by an unhealthy relationship. The magical part of this story is when I was seven months pregnant I went out for lunch with an old acquaintance who I had not seen in a year and have known for 16years (!) and we have been together ever since!!! I am in an incredibly healthy happy and well-rounded relationship, we are engaged and moving in, and are functioning like the family I have always dreamed of. :)

Wish it were juuuust that simple but of course now the biological father wants lots of visits and is pressuring me to leave him with my baby boy (isn’t going to happen). I have suggested mediation to work through some of these issues but so far no go.

I usually feel I know what is right but have difficult looking at this situation objectively. I am still “mama bear” with my baby and wish his biological father would just go away.

Any advice or support would be SO appreciated!

Mama Kelly

p.s. the biological father and I were never engaged, or married, and never lived together

]]> By: kbaggott http://www.blisstree.com/babylune/need-advice-single-mothers/comment-page-1/#comment-983 kbaggott Thu, 16 Nov 2006 06:15:52 +0000 http://www.babylune.com/need-advice-single-mothers/#comment-983 Gloria- Thank you for being so appropriate and right on time! Gloria- Thank you for being so appropriate and right on time!

]]> By: Gloria http://www.blisstree.com/babylune/need-advice-single-mothers/comment-page-1/#comment-981 Gloria Thu, 16 Nov 2006 03:31:57 +0000 http://www.babylune.com/need-advice-single-mothers/#comment-981 samantha, i just sent my email to kate. took me a long time to whip up the answers to her single-mom question. here's a few i'd like to let u know: ive never been married too. my ex prcatically disappeared when i told him i was pregnant with his child and blamed me for everything. took me awhile to accept that we won't come back and help me out. after doing anything i can to reach out and he hadn't met me halfway, i went ahead and took charge of our lives, mine and my son's. now that i am living a better life without him and without any other man as well, i came to realize that i am better off without him. he doesn't have a legal claim to my son as well because he didn't sign any paternity clause. i haven't written a will (not yet) but i am not going to trust the future of my child upon my death to asuch an irresposible bastard. even if that bastard is my son's own blood and father. well i guess i said enough but i just wan't you to know that you are not alone in your situation. I was there too but I made my life better for my son's sake and mine as well. A single mom's life gets BETTER, believe me. samantha, i just sent my email to kate. took me a long time to whip up the answers to her single-mom question. here’s a few i’d like to let u know:

ive never been married too. my ex prcatically disappeared when i told him i was pregnant with his child and blamed me for everything. took me awhile to accept that we won’t come back and help me out. after doing anything i can to reach out and he hadn’t met me halfway, i went ahead and took charge of our lives, mine and my son’s.

now that i am living a better life without him and without any other man as well, i came to realize that i am better off without him. he doesn’t have a legal claim to my son as well because he didn’t sign any paternity clause. i haven’t written a will (not yet) but i am not going to trust the future of my child upon my death to asuch an irresposible bastard. even if that bastard is my son’s own blood and father.

well i guess i said enough but i just wan’t you to know that you are not alone in your situation. I was there too but I made my life better for my son’s sake and mine as well. A single mom’s life gets BETTER, believe me.

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