Regretting Motherhood? You Aren’t Alone
October 5, 2007 by kate baggott
Filed under Fertility/ Infertility, Finances, Mental Health
I just read an interesting review in the Globe and Mail about a controversial French book by Corinne Maier called No Kid: Forty Reasons Not to Have A Child. Dr. Maier has two, but says that she “regrets having children.”
The book sounds like a novelty joke gift rather than a serious piece of literature, but it does have a contrary nature. It’s running against the notion that women should feel obligated to have children:
- Everywhere you look in France these days, you seem to see its cover: The words NO KID in English, followed by “40 Reasons for Not Having Children” (I changed the Globe’s translation when I read the original title) in French. It is a huge bestseller. Her 40 reasons are often funny and personal (”Don’t become a traveling feeding bottle,” “don’t adopt the idiot-language of children”) sometimes bitter (”you will inevitably be disappointed with your child”) and often designed to puncture the idealized notion of motherhood that poisons Western societies.
- It is a combination of tart sisterly advice (”What hope is there of having a fulfilling sex life when a woman is forced to turn into a fat, deformed animal decked out in sack-like dresses?”) with shock-tactic social analysis (”More murders and child abuse happen within families than outside them. Every family is a nest of vipers – all the reason not to add to your own”).
- Such notions, in France today, are almost unthinkable. It is a country overtaken with what Ms. Maier calls “baby mania.”
- There’s a loud and expensive national crusade to have as many children as possible and valorize motherhood. It is a nation where the winner of the President’s motherhood medal (what other country has those?) makes the cover of Paris-Match, a place where people follow the fertility rate the way Americans follow the Dow Jones Industrial Average and where a national celebration with distinctly racist overtones erupted last year when that fertility rate reached the stable-population point of 2.1 children per mother, making France the continental European leader in fecundity. Upon the loins of the Frenchwoman, the weight of a nation.
I’d have to say that I am certainly pro-parenthood and pro-child. I heartily disagree with this quote from Maier’s book:
- “Children are born to disappoint you,” she says. “Because we dream about wonderful children, but there are no wonderful children. They are people like me and you, and they fail, they do things you don’t expect, they dream of things you don’t even imagine, things that are pointless for you but not for them. So of course they have to disappoint you. Most children are difficult.”
My children are both absolutely delightful. What I find difficult are the people having them have brought into my life, like day care workers who don’t agree with me, pediatricians who don’t agree with me, teachers who don’t agree with me and, occasionally, their father.
Still, I have to support any effort that separates a woman’s fertility from a political agenda. The fertility mania that has been sweeping Europe, about which I have written before, urges women to have more children so that those children can support pension plans, without giving mothers any real support or meaningful assurances that their children will have educational and work opportunities in the future. Plus, the older population has it’s own agenda and that will not result in improvements while our children are small. Kids can’t vote, but the legions of retirees can. My son’s kindergarten here in Germany, for example, has to beg for paper for the children to draw on, but the city has enough money to subsidize a magazine for seniors about free programs open to them in the vicinity.
The responsibility of having children is one that belongs to their parents, completely and absolutely. And because we accept that, we should not feel any obligation to have children for any reason other than love. Anyone who suggests otherwise, regardless of what political party he belongs to, can bear his own children.
And, even though I love my children more than life itself, I have no trouble thinking of reasons not to have children in the larger theoretical sense. I read a lot and between climate change, terrorism, war, and racism, there is a lot of bad stuff we have to prepare our children to (potentially/probably) experience. I am not sure I even know how to prepare my children for a life without Holland, Japan, most of the Caribbean, Manhattan and electricity. I have nightmares thinking about what my children might have to endure as a result of oil thirst, intolerance and freak weather. But rising sea levels, for example, were not a form of birth control in my case. I completely understand that it could be for other women.
Perhaps women who choose not to have children are smarter than those of us who choose to become mothers?
What I don’t understand is how a woman could write a book like this with passages about how children are born to disappoint and whatnot, when she has her own children. How does she suppose her kids will feel after reading that? There’s not enough therapy in the world that can help when they know – with proof in 12 point text – that their mother regrets having them.
Sherry- I had the same feeling, and the interviewer did ask her. Maier is a psychologist and she had to think a long time about the question before giving a completely sarcastic answer. Her kids have copies of the book, but they haven’t read it.
I am sure they will have their own opportunity to write their own books, and have them published, but I assume that their mother’s public persona is different than her private one.
Wow, this was sort of a shocking post. I completely feel that each person needs to decide to have children or not and that that’s their right. But I cannot believe a mama would say that in public, in a public book, about her children. Actually, I can believe it but I think it’s disgusting. That’s just so disrespectful of them. And rude to the rest of us with kids.
I’ve written essays where I do talk about how hard it can be to be a parent and how I get frustrated but that never means it’s Cedar’s fault for simply being my child. I always adore him no matter what.
I know all the arguments for and against kids — carrying on the name to over population; it goes on and on. But really I think we should let it be. Let people who want kids have them and the one’s who don’t don’t. It’s pretty simple. I worry about Cedar’s future too but I don’t think it makes me less smart for wanting him and maybe even more. That’s what’s inside of me as a want. I doubt it affects my thinking capacity.
Plus they’ve now done studies that show mamahood can sharpen your thinking.
You’re right. I’ve covered the “Motherhood Makes You Smarter” study too.
I am just a suspicious of Maier as the rest of you concerning comments about her own children, but where I understand her is in her rally against the “fertility mania” that is gripping Europe. It is a situation that does need a strong…even strong to the point of ridiculous opposition.
Here in Germany, the government is paying women to leave their jobs when they have a child. Naturally, this doesn’t apply to self-employed women like me, only to those with full-time jobs with full legal protections. You know, the kind of jobs men want.
I am not sure that turning women into dependents on state help is progress. Plus, when the money runs out, the woman has to find another job…probably something part time, contractual, or freelance that provides no income security or benefits. Then, she will be, at least partly, dependent on her husband’s income.
But, the other part that bothers me about the book is that her list of 40 reasons are largely not serious, political or especially valid. She talks about the problems with future employment, but after that it is all about missing out on sex, social events, personal income and the toll on one’s looks. It’s as if she started out writing for the French equivalent of Harper’s and ended up with a Cosmo essay.
Hmmm, you’re right about the opposition needed — that is lame. But this, like you said is not the way to do it. Maybe you should write a book.
Is it satire? Not being in the culture it’s difficult for me to see it in context.
I can see where it would have a place in feminism. For thousands of years our only function in life was to breed. Now, we get to choose our own function. I think it’s better for some women to choose no kids because motherhood is really NOT a piece of cake.
Perhaps her intention is to tell the truth about what kind of sacrifices being a mother is about. I mean, in the USA we act like it’s this big fulfilling party. Lots of mothers are shocked to discover how labor-intensive it is. How many bad feelings are attached. How really self-sacrificing you have to be to make it work. Much of what we hear about motherhood is fictional. Or it doesn’t turn out to be truly universal or it’s way more complicated than it was made out to be. But, then we feel guilty for acknowledging that fact.
Not everyone is cut out for it. Perhaps the author’s intent is to point out the reality of the labor, work and sacrifice involved and then if you decide you want it anyway you’re making a better decision?
Motherhood is delicious, but much more painful than I thought it would be. I wouldn’t change it for myself, but I can see where some women might decide it’s not really something they would like doing. It is a pretty permanent decision so perhaps it deserves more scrutiny. It’s not like you can take it back or change your mind.
So maybe a book like this has a valid place in the collective consciousness of femininity.
Very interesting Kate. I’m going to link-up and copy and paste on BlogFab.
Exactly Tracee. I think it also needs to be said that it is completely OK for women not to be cut out for motherhood. It isn’t as if they are missing a piece.
It seems to me that this book’s bitterness kind of obliterates the good it does seem to have. Reading about the disappointment in children hurt me personally– made me wonder about my own parents and about my child; it’s a hurtful and nasty thing to say, even as a joke or as a sarcastic and somewhat true social observation.
Madame- It is shocking.
Having kids hoping it’ll help you financially in the future? That sounds like a really bad idea. Europeans must be crazy.
Tracee,
Good comment. I am a father of two and regret I have them. I feel that would-be parents are simply misinformed by other parents about the hardships of parenthood. There is also quite some research available about the effects of having children on your happiness. And guess, couples without children are in general happier than those with offspring. Only when the children leave the house the happiness level increases again. The decision to have children is often more based on sentimental reasons than facts and rationality. People do not see that the decision to have children is the most important one you make in your life. The discussion about children is often dominated by parents that defend their decision very strongly. On the other hand, the childfree are as strong in their opinion not to have children. It is a good thing that mothers like Mrs. Maier speak out and tell the truth.
(I know this is quite late)…What makes the child-free less able to ‘cut it’ than the childed who made a mistake (which is a significant number based on my own many years on this earth)?
The child-free have thought long and hard about the repercussions regarding parent-hood, and probably have a much better realistic approach to what it entails. They know the ‘kodak moments’ are a farce, and are a very small part of being a PROPER parent.
Some of you have taken an offensive approach to the authors’ personal experiences regarding being childed. Why? It is not a personal attack on YOU. It is this one persons experience. And probably the feeling of many, if not most, parents of today. It’s just too taboo to admit. It’s a shame really, that the realities of parenthood aren’t made public. If they were, perhaps more people would actually THINK before taking on ‘The Most Important Job In The World”
I have to agree with this last comment. I do not blame it on my children- they are wonderful. But i regret having children. Since becoming a mom i have suffered from moderate depression (not post-partum- my kids are 2 and 4 and i am still suffering) I am always frustrated and unhappy and worrying myself into frenzies. I had a history of mild depression before having kids when i was a teenager but it had disappeared by adult hood and i had a 6 year run of happiness with very few episodes. And then i had kids and it has gotten to the point where i just can’t wait to get away from them and regret having to spend extensive time with them. I feel very guilty about this- my kids do not deserve this but i cannot help how i feel. I am not lazy- it isn’t the hard work- i have always been a hard worker willing to accept challenges. But the psychological and emotional aspects of motherhood are doing me in. My marriage is definitely suffering but that’s another story. So while i think it was disrespectful and weird to write this book knowing your kids will one day read it (i would have used a pseudonym and not undergone interviews) I do understand the notion of explaining how hard childrearing really is.