Babylune » sex-and-the-new-mother http://www.blisstree.com/babylune Adventures in post-partum recovery. Wed, 23 Dec 2009 00:14:25 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 en hourly 1 More Silence on Sex and the New Mother http://www.blisstree.com/babylune/more-silence-on-sex-and-the-new-mother/ http://www.blisstree.com/babylune/more-silence-on-sex-and-the-new-mother/#comments Mon, 09 Oct 2006 19:55:25 +0000 kate baggott http://www.babylune.com/more-silence-on-sex-and-the-new-mother/ Post from: Babylune

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As you know, I avoid talking about sex, even though the question on almost every new mother’s mind is when, or even if, she will ever feel like doing the deed again. There are a lot of reasons for a post partum mother to avoid sex. First, there is the prohibition against doing it while the postpartum blood is still in evidence due to fear of infection. This later progresses to a fear of pain, and goes on to memories of being stitched back together. Add to that sleep starvation, fear of another pregnancy, the hormonal demands and changes of breastfeeding…the lack of desire can fill a room.
I would also add anger and/or jealousy to my list of desire killers. My husband, who is an involved father, has still never lost a nights sleep or gone without a shower. And, when I come across a porn site in the browser cache, I don’t feel especially threatened, but jealous that he has the energy for anything remotely sexual in nature. And, if anything in life were fair, if the work in this house and family were anywhere near equal, he wouldn’t even have a spare moment for anything but a brief blog entry to complain about how unattentive I am. So, if you are a new father reading this and looking for ways to ignite your wife’s desire, the answer is simple: get to work, interact with your kids and do housework until you fall into bed completely exhausted for about 6 weeks. Still, I always assumed the irregular nature of the parental sex schedule was temporary.
Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the DomesticBesides, according to a column in the Guardian about Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity – Reconciling the Erotic & the Domestic, many long term partnerships experience a time without sex. And it may be a period of time that doesn’t need to be discussed.

Because, in Perel’s lecture that is the subject of the Guardian column, she seems to have lost contact with the reality that childlessness and parenting are completely different states, especially regarding the concepts of tiredness and stressed-outedness.

  • You’re too stressed and tired for sex? Like you weren’t stressed and busy and tired when you were hot and single! What happens is that the erotic is transferred on to the child. Who gets the long languorous hugs, the playfulness, the fun, the fashion shows, the teasing, the multiple kisses? The child! It’s often easier to say: “I’m so exhausted, I’m too tired for sex,” when what you actually mean is: I have a sensual connection with my child, and I’m getting everything from him or her. On the list of what it takes to raise a happy child, you never see: parents with a good sex life. It should be there!’

So you know something Esther? The only thing that kept me up all night pre-parenthood was sex. And, the last thing I felt afterward was not stress. In fact, I could get through the work day feeling really feminine and crash into my soft pillow the moment I get home. The entire night was mine to sleep through. The night is not mine anymore. Sex was once a lovely distraction from work-stress which no longer even enters my stress radar. In fact, I now leave home to experience work-stress every day because it is so much more relaxing than housewife and stay at home mother stress. And, as for being tired! I had no idea what tiredness was before I became a parent.

The affection I get from and give to the kids? It is very nice, but if it gave me everything I need, I probably wouldn’t be ready to discredit every word of your manuscript to rhetorical pieces. I can never read your book now Esther. It might drive me to absolute abstinence.

Post from: Babylune

]]> http://www.blisstree.com/babylune/more-silence-on-sex-and-the-new-mother/feed/ 6 Sex & the New Mother http://www.blisstree.com/babylune/sex-the-new-mother/ http://www.blisstree.com/babylune/sex-the-new-mother/#comments Sat, 24 Jun 2006 06:02:22 +0000 kate baggott http://www.babylune.com/sex-the-new-mother/ Post from: Babylune

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I know it’s ridiculous, but my six-month still doesn’t sleep through the night. She still wakes up for one nursing session. It wouldn’t be so bad if I took naps or slept in, but I work these days and napping is not a possibility. My tiredness is having its effect on marital relations.

On Thursday, I thought my libido had come back. So, I thought I would sit beside my husband on the couch while he watched the World Cup and let nature take its course at half-time.

Then, I saw my freshly made bed with crisp, clean sheets, plump, soft pillows any cosy duvet. Pardon the clichés, but my bed is a conventional beauty. And king-size.

It was only slightly-dark in the early evening, but there was a slight breeze coming through the open window that made getting under the blankets just so inviting. To sleep.

I don’t think my husband noticed I was gone.

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