Attachment Parenting (Mom-to-Mom #7)
April 27, 2007 by Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor
Filed under Mom-to-Mom, books, breastfeeding, mothering
Today’s Mom-to-Mom question is more of a Parent-to-Parent question because I received the following from Abel of Parent Wonder:
Q: I found you on breastfeeding123.com’s “Fostering Independence in the Breastfed Child” and I must say that I like your blog. I have a question on Attachment Parenting. Do you have a problem that your child is too “attached” if you follow AP approach? Will they become too dependent on you?
A: I’m glad you enjoyed that post and thanks for writing to me! Your question is a very interesting one.
The quick and dirty answer is no, the attachment-parented child does not become too attached or dependent. I can say that with confidence simply because attachment parenting does not set out to create dependence. Attachment parenting is not “helicopter parenting” or “hover mothering.” It’s not about doing everything for the child or seeking to keep the child dependent upon the parent. In fact, parents like me who practice attachment parenting find that the opposite is true. When children create a healthy attachment to their parents, they feel more confident and secure. With that self-assurance, children feel free to explore their world, becoming more independent because they know that they can return to the security of an attached and loving parent.
So, we know what attachment parenting is not. What is it then? It’s an instinctive, intuitive approach to satisfying a child’s needs (as distinguished from a child’s “wants” — attachment parenting is not permissive parenting either). The best way I can explain it is to give examples from my own parenting at various stages.
Attachment parenting my baby. In the first year, attachment parenting my baby meant listening to her cues and responding to her cries. I did that by keeping her close to me–holding her in my arms, carrying her in a sling, co-sleeping–without worrying about “spoiling” her. A baby needs as much love and attention as possible, and a parent’s investment during a child’s infancy will pay off tremendous dividends as the child grows. That’s not to say that I found attachment parenting at all difficult. My natural instinct was to respond to my child’s cries. I felt a physical response to the crying and it benefited me and my baby to respond to those cries. As I bonded with my baby and got to know her, I learned to read her cues before she had to resort to crying to communicate her needs to me.
Breastfeeding helped with attachment parenting my baby, but it certainly isn’t necessary. Attachment parenting is a general philosophy of parenting, not a rigid set of rules. It means something different for every family and each family can apply the principles that work best in that family dynamic.
Attachment parenting my toddler. Once my baby grew into a toddler, attachment parenting translated into gentle discipline. That meant no spanking, yelling at or shaming my child. It meant putting away temptations, keeping my child fed/well-rested/entertained, and re-directing her attention from forbidden activities.
My first toddler never really had a “terrible two’s” stage because breastfeeding stopped every tantrum in its tracks. Toddler nursing allowed my toddler comfort and time to settle down. Once the need for a tantrum passed, we could talk through whatever it was that precipitated the need to nurse.
At the toddler stage, I started to see more and more of a difference between my mothering and the non-attachment parenting style of some of my friends. When my child needed to be near me during playgroup, I stayed with her. I could tell that other mothers disapproved, but I felt sure that not pushing my child to an unnatural and early independence would pay off with greater independence later. Sure enough, my child grew more and more independent over the next few years. The same transformation happened when I refused to make my daughter “cry-it-out” at night. Through gentle sleep techniques she eventually started sleeping better and asked for her own bed. All along I have enjoyed attachment parenting and now I’m enjoying some of its more tangible rewards.
Attachment parenting my preschooler. Attachment parenting my preschooler meant preparing her for school by taking a parent-toddler class first. Then I chose a school that aligned with my parenting style and suited my child’s needs and personality (not the school that was cheapest, closest or offered the longest hours away from me).
Gentle discipline continues, although I must admit I’m challenged at each new developmental stage. Whining is particularly annoying but I’ve learned to ask my daughter to rephrase, “But Mom, I want it now!” to “Please may I have that?” (She may or may not get the object of her desires, but she definitely learns how to ask nicely!)
If you want to read what the experts have to say about attachment parenting, I recommend The Attachment Parenting Book
What do you think, readers? Do you apply attachment parenting principles in your life? How has your parenting style affected your child’s emotional and social development?
I find that for me, attachment parenting meant simply following my instincts. I feel that for most women, it is their instinct to pick up their baby when their baby is crying, to keep their baby close, etc.
AP parenting has helped us with the terrible twos as well. Although my daughter had already self weaned when she hit this stage, using gentle discipline techniques has shown her how to express how she is feeling without throwing a tantrum. Now when she is upset, she comes and tells me with calm words, not screams.
Shelly, that’s wonderful that your parenting is paying off with good behavior! Thanks for sharing your experience!
I love your answer, I think you covered it pretty well. I know that my own sons are very social and outgoing, and I attribute part of that to the fact that they always know that I am here for them to come back to. I think of myself as their safety net while they are still so young. Our attachment lets them feel safe going out into the world without fear of falling, because I’m always here.
Thanks Summer! I’m glad to hear that attachment parenting is paying off for you too!
I didn’t expect to receive such a detailed answer (by age) when I asked you, Angela! Thank you. Since you’ve gone through it further than me, I am reassured that AP is the way for my two children. I have always argued with my wife which way is the best when our toddler cries in the middle of the night, either to carry and calm him or let him cry out. It’s not easy but we will try the “no-cry-out” way.
Thanks for following up with me Abel! I’m glad my response was helpful to you.