Comments on: Breastfeeding, Divorce and Custody Issues

By: Kristin

Kristin — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 04:27:03 +0000

Thank you so much for this info! I have a 4 month old that is strickly a breast fed baby and his dad wants to get overnight visitaions with him. Although he has shown no interst in my son and even went through a DNA test. This is my sixth child and my 4th that I have nursed, I know whats best and I needed to be more educated when it came time to talk to the GAL! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Kristin

By: laura

laura — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 16:57:40 +0000

Jessica,
You do not have to wean if you and your child are not ready! I still nurse my little one and she has had an overnight for a few months now! If your lawyer is telling you to “start weaning” I cannot emphasize enough that YOU NEED TO FIND A NEW LAWYER! I am so sorry! When I first met my lawyer and she found out I was nursing her response was “Good for you”. My husband’s lawyer tried to tell my lawyer that I needed to wean and my lawyer did not go along with that at all! My little one is older than yours too! Your little one is only 7 months old! It is crazy for your lawyer to expect you to wean if your nursing relationship is going so well! I’m so sorry! Hugs! Laura

Do your research girl! And if you can find a more supportive lawyer…DO IT!

By: laura

laura — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 16:48:40 +0000

I too am a breastfeeding mother who has had to experience divorce early in my child’s life. My daughter was not quite 2 year’s old when my husband said he wanted a divorce. She was an avid nurser, and she still is! I spent a lot of time and money coming up with a visitation schedule that pleased both my husband and I. We attended Early Neutral Evaluation for visitation issues and that was helpful. You may want to see if your state has this option. I feel that there is no reason a mother should not be able to continue to breastfeed their child, including throughout the divorce process! If you can continue to breastfeed throughout this stressful time DO IT! I know that this is a scary time full of many tears and emotions! I agree that Le Leche League is a wonderful source! Aside from the breastfeeding issue, there is also the issue of attachment! I did a lot of research online regarding the importance of attachment to a child, as well as the importance of being close to that primary caregiver/attachment figure during the early years of life (even during divorce and visitation schedules). I know that most professionals believe that infants and toddlers should remain with their primary caregiver/attachment figure for the overnight hours, and that implementing overnights into visitation schedules for infants and toddlers should be a gradual process. Most professionals also advocate for “short and frequent visits for infants and toddlers”. I found the book, “Mom’s House, Dad’s House” helpful. Also, you can go online and find many documents and articles advocating for gradual increase in visitation and overnights for infants and toddlers. They also say that when overnights do begin they should be “nonconsecutive” overnights. The Supreme Court’s recommendations agree with a lot of this too. My divorce process started six months ago, and it is now just to the final stages! I spent a lot of time and money with a good lawyer who was supportive of attachment parenting and breastfeeding issues. I strogly recommend obtaining a lawyer who is comfortable with these issues, it was definately worth it for me. Our schedule started out as Monday and Wednesday 4 to 7 pm and Saturday’s from 8 to 4 pm. We then worked up to having one overnight on the weekend. We will soon start a second overnight on one of the weeknight visits.I continue to nurse my little sweetie and she now goes on one overnight a week. We have been able to maintain that nursing relationship while having a visitation schedule with her dad.

By: Jessica

Jessica — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 15:17:37 +0000

I am going through something similar. My husband refused marriage counseling and trial separation. We agreed when we got married that I would quit work & be a SAHM. He worked until April when he was laid off. My family lives 125 miles away & I am staying with them for monetary & emotional support until I get on my feet. The law in TN says I cannot take them more than 100 miles away. He has filed an injunction for me to return the children to our marital home, yet I am restrained from seeing them except for supervised visits. I have no where to stay, no money to stay up there and my 7 month old is EBF. My husband agreed and supported my extended breastfeeding & our baby to self wean. Now, he is expecting me to just hand them over and let the baby stop breastfeeding. My lawyer is filing a counter to the injunction to have them stay with me at my childhood home. My husband has been working with me as far as shared custody of the oldest daughter. As he is not working, he gets her for a week and then I get her for a week. He sees the baby when we meet to exchange the oldest or if he comes down here to pick her up. I know he loves them and his logic is that he doesn’t want them to think that he didn’t fight for them. But, he hasn’t thought any of this through. He doesn’t think it will be that big of a deal to take an nursing infant from its mother without having severe emotional consequences. I know that eventually she will have to be weaned so he can have her for overnight visits, but what gets me is that he whole heartedly supported her self weaning. In fact he praised me for the decisions I made for our children.

My lawyer is telling me to start weaning her and my response was, “I am trying.” But, she is not ready yet. I cannot, in good conscience, hand the baby over, even if temporarily, while she is nursing.

By: Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor

Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 07:04:40 +0000

Sasha, I’m so sorry you and your son are going through this. There are several suggestions in this post about getting a breastfed baby to take bottle of breast milk:

http://www.blisstree.com/breastfeeding123/getting-a-breastfed-baby-to-take-a-bottle-of-breast-milk-mom-to-mom-13/

By: Sasha

Sasha — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 06:59:28 +0000

I am saddened by all of this as I am going through a custody battle as well. I am forced to pump milk for my son’s father and my son will NOT take it from him, so the child goes without fluids, and now I suspect he is trying to give him formula b/c of the change in smell in his BM’s my little guy is 9 months and has just started going out on day visits with dad, but will be going out on overnights at 12 months. The thing I feel bad about is my DS is an avid breast feeder. He loves it and would always prefer the breast. He comes back from visits dehydrated, but there is something he is feeding our son that is making him have weird BM’s. I don’t think Colorado has the right to do this to anyone, but they do. My sons father didn’t see him until he was 41/2 months old and now he has night terrors, hates going to his dads, comes home crying and wants to nurse like crazy. He also does not let me go after these visits. I feel so bad I don’t know what to do for my baby. I provide all this pumped milk and NONE of it is given to my son while he is gone or while he was having visits at my home. I asked the father if he wanted to give him formula or had done so and he denies it. I just feel both of our God given rights have been stripped away. It’s not that I want to keep him from his dad, but I want him to have the breast milk. I can’t help he won’t take it from his father! The man is so unreasonable he won’t even show me if he truly has a nursery for the child. I think it’s at his mother’s house, but I have no right to fight that either. I am just feeling so unheard and ignored as the “father’s” rights seem more important than the childs.

By: Matthew

Matthew — Thu, 28 May 2009 19:26:46 +0000

Don’t judge based on generalities. I’m a father of a one month old and live 275 miles away from my son. I can only see him 8 hours a week in the presence of my wife and her family, and of course, I have to give him to his mother when he is hungry. And I’m not allowed to see him feed.

We were facing foreclosure and bankruptcy in Michigan, and I got a job in Illinois where I am making 70% more than I did. My wife refused to come with me. Her “old” family was more important than her “new” family. I tried to make a better life for us, and she was content to see us struggle as long as we were 20 miles away from her family.

Now I’m the one suffering, and my wife doesn’t want me to have anything to do with my son and she has filed for divorce. Yes, breastfeeding is good, but it is unfair when used as a weapon and a punishment.

Do you have a son Penny? Would you want your son’s wife to use breastfeeding as a means to prevent overnight visitation for your son? How about seeing it from that angle instead of saying that because of labor, a mother has 100% say in everything? I work hard to be a good and involved father. Suffering happens with both genders – especially when the mother fails to communicate and agrees to nothing.

By: Kimberly

Kimberly — Thu, 28 May 2009 05:32:24 +0000

My best friend went through a divorce in Idaho. She was breastfeeding and the judge ordered that as long as she was still breastfeeding she would be able to attend any visits the child had with the father. He had weekend and Wednesday evening visits, and the mom always went along in order to breastfeed the child when needed. I think this was an awesome arrangement for the baby!

By: Kate

Kate — Wed, 27 May 2009 17:01:04 +0000

Oh man…I am humbly thankful that I am not faced with a situation like this poor woman, and may other women I’m sure. I can’t imagine having to wean my baby when he’s not ready. It makes me so sad for the little baby who needs the comfort of breastfeeding more than ever in a tough time like this!

By: Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor

Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor — Wed, 27 May 2009 16:13:37 +0000

Thanks for the link Jenny! The sad thing about that story is that the judge failed to recognize that it’s not just the milk the child craves. Expressed milk does not replace the comfort at the breast.