Five Toddler Sleep Lessons
October 23, 2009 by Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor
Filed under sleep
Yesterday I practically shouted from the rooftops about how my husband settled my 15-month-old back to sleep in the night. After three nurslings and seven-and-a-half years of mothering, this toddler sleep thing remains much of a mystery to me. All I know for sure is that I am not willing to let my child cry-it-out.
My sleeping 15-month-old
So what bits of sleep advice can be gleaned from my experience? I have come to these five conclusions:
1. Do what works for you. If co-sleeping and nursing your baby back to sleep help you both get a better night’s rest, then do it!
2. If something stops working for you, then take the initiative and change it! Sounds a little obvious but in a sleep-deprived haze it can be all too easy to continue on with the way things are.
3. It’s okay to try new ways to settle your child to sleep. Whether it’s rocking to sleep instead of nursing, wearing your baby in a sling, or having your partner sing the baby to sleep, it’s okay to experiment. If your nursling is unhappy with that, she will make it quite clear and you can shelve the experiment for another few months and then try again. Or try a different method.
4. There will be back-sliding. You can count on teething, illness, or growth spurts to set back the process. It’s normal and inevitable and it helps simply to recognize that and to put any sleep changes on hold.
5. Eventually, your child will sleep better at night. At some point, you will find yourself waking up for no reason. Your nursling didn’t wake you, you just woke up as part of your own sleep rhythm. Soon, your nursling will sleep so well you will wonder if everything is alright!
For those of you with toddlers, what has your sleep experience been like? Have you come to any conclusions of your own?
Toddler sleep is a mystery to me, too. Lately we’ve had a lot of two-hour tussles, where he really fights going to sleep and doesn’t want to stay in bed at all to be nursed to sleep, and doesn’t want to get ready for bed, etc., etc. Tonight I settled in with my laptop, preparing to catch up on some blog reading while I waited him out — and he was deeply asleep within 5 minutes. No fuss, out like a light. I stayed in bed to read, anyway!
I don’t really have any fears about his sleep future. I figure he’ll become the sleeper he’s meant to be when he’s mature enough for it. Till then, he’s welcome to have my help getting to sleep, or getting back to sleep. I like snuggling with him, anyway!
I read the funniest thing on another blog, and it was a heart-wrenching post about being worn out, so I didn’t want to call the author on her inconsistency, but she was saying how her baby wasn’t sleeping well anymore and so they were doing the cry-it-out method again. Then, defensively, she said, “And no comments on that — crying it out is what works for our children!” I thought it was so funny and illogical, since, you know, it wasn’t working. But whatever. I could see people saying cosleeping and breastfeeding aren’t “working,” either, since Mikko, at 2, still takes awhile to fall asleep and wakes up a couple times at night (though nurses right back to sleep with no bother), but I guess it all depends on your definition of “working.” It’s working for us.
Something else I’ve learned, especially now that I have 2 children, is that every kid is different. And just as you must be willing to try a new approach if something stops working for 1 child, you must be willing to throw out everything you learned when another one comes along.
My first child was an excellent sleeper. My second, not so much. Now that I’ve parented both of them, I am FAR less smug than when I had only one, and believed I had figured out the Answer. The truth is, there is no Answer.
At 6 months I couldn’t take the co-sleeping and constant feeding at night yet I knew I wanted to keep BF so I decided to use the CYO method in small steps and by GOD it worked. Took about 3 weeks and one week it went backward but by week 3 she was sleeping from 12 am til 6 at that time she would wake and I would keep sleeping while she BF. Then when I switched to regular milk + almond milk(half and half) at 15 months it took another small process but so far so good. Eventually they learn that crying won’t get them anywhere and they just relax and sleep on their own. It hurts the very first night when they cry but after that first night its no problem. She also went very well from nursing to bottle even though I had never given her a bottle. I went cold turkey though. When she would ask I would just hug her and tell her I’m sorry there is no more milk and that I love her. I would also offer some sweet vanilla soy. Eventually after that first week she was fully weaned and doesn’t even remember suckling. I don’t know if she’s an easy kid or what cause she does have quite a temper but I do know that if you make limits and stick to your ideals they learn to follow your lead. I mean after all we are the parents. Why should we have to suffer? I now feel more refreshed and more alert to be able to be a better teacher for her now that she’s starting to learn different things. I think that’s what its about. Most animals only suckle for a year. I think after that they get their nutrients through different forms. I also would like to add that 2 weeks after I stopped BF we all got swine flu and she pulled through like a trooper! BM goes a loooong way! She was only sick for 3 days!
I am a breastfeeding mother of a 12-month-old who still wakes 4-6 times a night to nurse. I also have a PhD in developmental biology, and while I do not claim to have all the answers to the sleep problem I do have a few problems with the logic behind this post. First, “Eventually they learn that crying won’t get them anywhere and they just relax and sleep on their own.” Not true. They do learn that crying won’t get them anywhere, but tragically they learn not to expect a response to their pleas for help. And while they do sleep on their own, after crying it tends to be the deep sleep that follows a traumatic event. If you have ever cried yourself to sleep, you know that while you sleep deeply you wake up feeling dragged out and depressed. This can happen with the CIO method and can teach a child that their emotions are not important.
Second, “I mean after all we are the parents. Why should we have to suffer?” Meeting your child’s needs is not about suffering! It’s about an attitude of servant leadership. Children learn by our example. If we want to raise children who care about the needs of others, we first have to meet their needs. Children will learn independence more quickly if they feel secure, and forcing a child to cry it out or quitting breastfeeding cold turkey undermines their security. It may cause the child to be more needy and clingy during the day. I am not saying that these actions WILL create a needy child – and maybe it worked in this case – but I would say that it is generally bad advice.
Oh, and as for most animals only suckling a year, when you compare length of nursing to length of life and/or length of gestation, humans should nurse anywhere from 2.5 to 7 years.
My husband and I have struggled with how our toddler sleeps for sure. At two, he still wakes up 1-2 times per night. I do not nurse him in the middle of the night anymore, but rather my husband is the night time parent for him, while I night time parent our 4 month old. Until the baby came, my son slept with us every night. But with a newborn, we were unsure of what to do. We tried the CIO method and hated every moment of it, though at the time I thought it was okay….that lasted about 2 nights – and I thought it was really great when he didn’t wake up, not when he cried! Needless to say, co-sleeping is the best answer we have for keeping little ones calm in the middle of the night. My son starts every night out in his crib, but most nights calls out for “daddy” at some point and they co-sleep the rest fo the night. We have no idea how long it will be like this, but we do know that we all get a lot more sleep as a result! I think figuring it out is hard – you deal with pressure from friends and family and doctors and books – there is no right answer – every child is different. Our two are a testament to that – our daughter is a much different sleeper, even at four months, than my son was. Not better or worse, just different. She is wired differently and LOVES her sleep – eating in the middle of the night only if she absolutely MUST – vs my son who would nurse all night if possible!
Wow! Some great comments! I totally identified and agreed with everyone excpet Tanya.. sorry Tanya! no offense. Just not my experience or opinion.
I too put mine to almond milk after weaning. I weaned my first at 19 mo. and the 2nd is still nursing at 29 months.. hehehe we both love it, and she is pretty bull headed. I don`t know how we will get it away from her! her older sister was so easy going, weaning was effortless.
“Num nums?”
“How about this sippy cup?”
“Otay!”
whereas her sister would scream bloody murder NOOO!!! and act like you just told her you didn`t love her anymore.
CIO didn`t seem to phase child #1. she didnt get too crazy. she just seemed to say, oh well. sigh, and go to sleep. The next day you knew nothign happened and her sleep pattern DID change. She stopped waking.
Child #2 did NOT respond this way. SHe was beyond hysterical, was clearly taking it VERY personally, and acted like a beaten puppy the next day. It was terrible!! Did NOT work for her. I have tried it months later, and still not viable for her at all.
Funny, I was going to reply to Tanya with almost the identical answer EcoChic left, so she saved me the time
particularly her followup post, the part about comparing more factors- it has been studied and if you graph gestation periods, acquisition of teeth, and many other factors I can’t recall, humans would, if we were “in the wild” most likely nurse from 3-7 years. Interesting, eh?
I so related, I could have posted identical comments as Laura and Amber as well! Right down to the laptop waiting for baby to sleep, 2 hr tussles, every detail rang true!
As for sleeping, aye yi yi. #2 is not sleeping through at 29 months. She did for a while, but at some point reverted and I haven`t gtten her back on track. I hold off nursing her until 5am, and if I want to keep her asleep for the next 90 min til we all get up for school, she has to nurse. So she will sleep from 8pm – 1am usually, I will put her back without nursing, then she will wake again at 4 or 5. Other moms with whom I’ve spoken agree that the 5am feed is the most difficult to lose because it is in this grey area between sleep and wake time.
I had a wonderful experience co-sleeping with her when she was an infant and until she was maybe 18 mo. We both slept great and it was very much the wonderful answer for us.
Instead of adding my own conclusions, I mainly am here to affirm what the other mothers have said. Yay guys!!! You rock! I say so, so there. It must be true.
Interesting to read all your experiences and to see what a common problem this is…I’m in a tough situation so your advice would be helpful.
I’ve co-slept with my son since he was 3 months old, and it has worked great for us. He wakes up to nurse, then falls right back asleep. Neither of us wake up fully, so I’ve been able to have great sleep from from about 12 mos until now (24 mos.)
But over the last 2 weeks his sleep has been terrible. He won’t go to bed until 10:30 (used to sleep easily at 8:30) and wakes up 3 times a night nursing voraciously (like, 30-40 minutes!). I’m pregnant (2 mos) and get so irritated with this! I take him off the breast but then he cries and cries. My husband then comes and tries to comfort him but he won’t go to him at all during the night, and gets really agitated.
I’m so worn out and am thinking of night weaning, but hate the thought of having him cry for long periods of time. Partly cuz I don’t want to cause him upset, but also cuz it is horrible to listen to during the night.
Any suggestions?
See http://www.blisstree.com/breastfeeding123/breastfeeding-while-pregnant-mom-to-mom-22/