Getting Your Child to Sleep through the Night

I had trouble figuring out what I wanted to “be” when I grew up. It was easier to know what I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to be a doctor because I knew I couldn’t handle the job emotionally. A sensitive girl whose eyes well up at the mere sound of an ambulance siren and who has frustration dreams about calling 9-1-1 and not getting an answer probably wouldn’t handle medical situations well.

I feel the same way about sleep training. I know I don’t have the answers, but I also know that I don’t want to let my baby cry. I can read all about why the cry-it-out method is detrimental or I can just listen to my instincts. I cannot tolerate hearing my child cry, or any child cry for that matter (how many times have I heard a baby crying at the mall and wanted to shout, “Pick that baby up! Nurse that baby!”) My instincts tell me to respond to my child’s cry.

However, I know how detrimental it can be for a mother not to get enough sleep. I have suffered the consequences of that lack. That’s why I constantly re-assess my toddler’s needs and wants. During her first year and even well into her second, I decided her desire to nurse during the night was not only a “want” but also a “need.” Now that she’s older, I can see that she is better able to accept alternatives to nursing and I’ve started to work on getting her to sleep better at night.

The key for each of my children has been to separate nursing from falling asleep. The sleep trainers (dare I even mention the names Richard Ferber and Marc Weisbluth?) have one thing right — that sleep-onset associations (for example, associating nursing with falling asleep) are powerful. A baby who nurses to sleep is going to want to nurse back to sleep. What they get wrong is at what age it is appropriate to change that association and with what method. Even Dr. Ferber himself had to admit he was wrong about the age and his former one-size-fits-all approach and in 2006 he published a revised edition of his book.

For the last week or so I’ve been working on getting my two-year–old to sleep better at night. After our bedtime routine, I nurse her with the bedroom lights on, then she agrees to be done and she rests on me or snuggles next to me on the bed. In the night my husband comforts her as long as she’ll let him. She doesn’t cry, she just asks for me and then my husband pats her and reminds her that it’s time to sleep. The other night my husband said she asked him, “Hold hand?” and they held hands as she fell back asleep. So sweet! Usually by 5:30 a.m. she wants me and won’t be put off. I nurse her again, sometimes all the way back to sleep although I have started to work on getting her to pop off and then settle to sleep for those night-nursings too. Then she sleeps through until 8 a.m. or later. If I can get the night-nursing sessions down to one per night all the time I’ll be in heaven!

A friend directed me to a helpful article by Dr. Jay Gordon, “Changing the Sleep Pattern in the Family Bed.” I agree with most everything he says, and would only add a few things. I recommend actually talking to the child in advance about the new sleep plan. Why not explain that Mommy needs to get more sleep and describe what the new rules are (and then reinforce them verbally as you go along — “Remember, we talked about how we are not going to nurse until the sun comes up?”). I don’t care if the child is two years old or one year old, she is going to understand much of what you are saying and certainly is going to pick up on the gentle and loving tone of your voice.

I also recommend separating the first nursing from sleep (Dr. Gordon says to nurse to sleep and nurse back to sleep until 11 p.m. or whenever you decide and then start having the child pop off and settle without nursing to sleep). I think it’s confusing to the child to be nursed to sleep at some times and not other times. How is the child to know the difference and understand the ever-changing rules?

Finally, I recommend enlisting the help of a supportive partner or husband. After all, it benefits the entire family if you get more sleep.

At any rate, Dr. Gordon’s article offers a lot of valuable advice. I also like the Dr. Sears article on Night-Weaning: 12 Alternatives for the All-Night Nurser.

There are also some books that can be helpful. While I wasn’t successful at getting my daughter to sleep well at a young age, I did successfully employ the “gentle removal” technique in Elizabeth Pantley’s The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night. She now has The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers as well. Of course you know I’m a big fan of Dr. Sears and I like his The Baby Sleep Book: The Complete Guide to a Good Night’s Rest for the Whole Family.

Ultimately, every family needs to do what is right for that family. As I said, I don’t have the answers when it comes to sleep, but I know what feels right for me. In some ways my sleepless nights have already paid off. My four-year-old, the one who used to wake hourly for much of her first year of life, now sleeps like a rock. The first time when I tried to wake her and she was sleeping so hard that I couldn’t rouse her, I panicked! Then I laughed with relief. Through gentle sleep techniques, my high-needs night-waker had become so secure that she could sleep a deep sleep the whole night through.