Nursing around Disapproving Family Members
June 24, 2009 by Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor
Filed under nursing in public
Generally we think of “nursing in public” as nursing anywhere besides the privacy of our own homes. However, the laws that protect nursing in public do not apply in the privacy of someone else’s home. Sometimes, the people who should support a nursing mother the most — her extended family and friends — are the ones who are uncomfortable seeing her nursing. In the comments for the last Carnival of Breastfeeding on Nursing in Public, Jenny raised this very issue:
Unfortunately, I have been faced with the choice of covering up/leaving the room to nurse or starting a big fight–especially when visiting my husband’s family. I wonder what other breastfeeding advocates do in situations such as this. Do they stand their ground and nurse uncovered? Leave family functions early to make a point?
Good question, and I do not think there is one right answer. Let’s think through the options:
1. Nurse uncovered.
2. Nurse covered.
3. Retreat to a different room.
4. Leave the family function early.
Photo family on the couch by Peterme
For me, the decision would depend on exactly who is uncomfortable with my nursing (the host or another guest?), what my relationship is with him/her (close family, distant relative, good friend, an acquaintance), whether that person is otherwise supportive of me and my parenting, and what I hope my future relationship with that person to be.
Frankly there have been occasions where I have been glad for the excuse to slip away to another room to nurse! I do want it to be my choice however, and in certain situations I would be willing to take a stand, nurse uncovered, and be prepared with some sort of speech should I be questioned about it. “I’m sorry the baby’s nursing makes you uncomfortable. I was having such a nice time talking with everyone and it makes me feel excluded to have to leave when Suzy needs to eat.” Having made my point, I would then wait to see what the objector says and take it from there. If it were the host, and I were again asked to move, I would do so, perhaps with one final expression of, “I respect your wishes. I hope you’ll catch me up on what happens when I’m gone!” Then I would make a decision about whether it is important for me to continue to make an appearance at future family events.
Leaving the function early only hurts the nursing mother and immediate family. It’s unlikely to change anyone else’s mind about whether the mother is welcome to nurse (they’re not going to say, “Gee, I didn’t realize Nursing Mother would leave!”), and it might just make people more questioning of the mother’s “stubborn insistence” on nursing at all costs. That does not educate anyone on why it’s not acceptable to ask someone to cover up or move, and why the baby can’t just take a bottle while in others’ company.
Nursing covered is a non-confrontational compromise, and is certainly a valid option if it is a compromise the mother is willing to make. Retreating to another room also avoids confrontation if the mother is willing to make that sacrifice to keep the peace.
There’s one final option that I didn’t mention above. When it is the husband’s family that objects, it is the husband who should be the one who talks to the family about why it is important for the nursing mother and baby to be welcomed at family events. The nursing mother should not be put in the awkward position of having to defend herself or compromise her beliefs. The husband should show his support by politely speaking to the family members, preferably in advance of the event.
Your Thoughts
What have you done when a family member or friend has objected to your nursing? What affected your decision to take a stand or keep the peace at all costs?
I haven’t handled this very well. Or at least not in a way that I was completely comfortable with. I have been shown another room to nurse in, and I’ve gone there knowing it would make others uncomfortable if I didn’t. These are people who are otherwise thrilled to have my baby and I there, and are supportive of my parenting and even my breastfeeding. Some of them breastfed too and believe it’s important. They just come from a time when nursing was not done in front of others.
It honestly didn’t sit super well with me that I didn’t take a stand. But I know that family dynamics are complicated and sometime I am willing to make concessions to keep the peace. Plus my first child was very distractible and retreating to a quiet space had its advantages. Over the years the same people have become less uncomfortable, and I no longer leave.
I try to remind myself that it’s not necessarily my obligation to educate every person I come across about breastfeeding. We’re all just doing our best. I would absolutely support a mother if she wanted to make a stand, but I recognize that not all of us do. Or at least not all the time.
I might be one of those stubbornly insisting to breastfeed not at all costs, but pretty close to it. When I had my daughter and went to visit my in-laws, I had to breastfeed her in front of my father in law. I didn’t feel comfortable and neither did he, but we stubbornly remained seated, looking the opposite way while continuing the small talk. I knew he thought I should move to the other room to nurse discreetly, but I wouldn’t.
With time he didn’t mind me nursing anymore, just had to get used with it, as he would never admit he has some problem with me breasteeding his granddaughter.
Recently I thought how our example changes people’s attitude so much. My sister came to visit with her 6-months old. She’s not quite ‘modest’, but I don’t think she’s very comfortable with nursing in public – or in front of others, even if they are family. My husband came into the room while she was nursing not very discreetly and asked her something – after few years of me breastfeeding, he didn’t even give it a thought, nor was he in any way disturbed – he simply didn’t notice she was exposed in some way, as breasts are for babies and while serving their purpose they are not of interest.
Tania, I hope most women “stubbornly insist” on breastfeeding! I certainly do
It sure is tricky though when it comes to negotiating these relationships with disapproving family members who might not understand why breastfeeding is so important to the nursing mother and baby.
I was shocked when I first visited my husband’s parents as a nursing mother to find that I was expected to sit in a chilly room away from the conversation while breastfeeding. We had traveled 14 hours to get there, and I was immediately banished to this other room (even when I said I was able to nurse very discreetly and would prefer to join in the conversation). I wouldn’t have been so surprised, were it not for the fact that my husband’s sister and sisters-in-law all breastfed all of their children – and they all lived in the same suburb! Apparently that room gets a lot of use!
I was so surprised and tired that I retreated to “the room” as requested, but later I just stayed in the comfortable warm room where the conversation was and nursed discreetly as I have all over the world in many cultures and situations. No one objected (probably didn’t realise what I was doing until it was too late to send me out), and although they always offer and point out “the room” to me when we visit, I thank them and stay put.
The attitude behind sending nursing mothers off to another room does make me greatly prefer to meet my husband’s family at a neutral location or in my home rather than theirs. I imagine they think they’ve done us a favour by having a room ready for our use while nursing, and I just prefer “the room” not to be a part of the equation.
I’ve always been lucky that I’ve had generally supportive family (and super-supportive in laws). Unfortunately, all that changed when my nursling grew up- and was still nursing. Although nothing is said, I simply do not breastfeed my elder nursling in the presence of a disgusted scowl.. but that’s for my own sanity’s sake, not for the scowler’s benefit
Well, I hate to offend anyone and quite honestly I prefer to nurse in private anyway (I’m very modest). But even if I wasn’t, I would like to think that I would respect other people’s wishes especially in their own house. I would never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable if I can help it.
I wanted to add that some would argue, “well they shouldn’t feel uncomfortable, nursing is natural.” And yes this is true. But older people especially were raised in a different time, and I respect their feelings on the matter.
My grandmother was one of those”older raised in a different time” folks and she breastfed discreetly. Women were ok to nurse in public covered(a diaper over top of the exposed breast) not because of strife or other women but because nursing exposed could put a woman in a dangerous position with the strange men leering at the woman’s delicate parts. If you could not latch while keeping it all covered(I know I can’t) the proper thing to do was step into a private room, bathroom,etc… to latch and strategically place your diaper then return to mixed company. I do step into a “safe” place to latch if possible then use a thin scarf for cover but in such a way that if you look over my shoulder you can see baby. I do not feel a need to suffocate my children(my oldest nursed 18 months)nor bounce a double ff for everyone to see,I just settle for the happy medium that has old and young alike smiling and nodding…
Thanks for this post! It makes me feel better to know that others are faced with this and trying to keep the peace with my husband’s relatives doesn’t make me a hypocrite. My MIL, while supportive of breastfeeding in theory, always had the habit when we were out somewhere of asking “well where are you going to nurse the baby?” I always said, “right here at the table” (or wherever). Nothing showed when I nursed.
The worst episode was Christmas last year. My in-laws had bought what seemed like a never-ending mound of gifts which had to be opened one at a time while everyone watched. My daughter, who was 19 months old, was so cranky because once she got a toy and wanted to settle in and play with it, someone was taking it away and thrusting another into her hands to open. Then she was expected to sit for hours watching everyone else open gifts. Needless to say, it was overwhelming and she wanted to comfort nurse. I left the room a couple of times with her only to come back and find everyone waiting on us. My husband saw the problem and said it would be fine for me to nurse her right there, and he’d go find a blanket. His mother said, transparently, that if I nursed her in the bedroom she might go to sleep. When we didn’t agree, she chased my husband down the hall and told him it made his grandmother and brother uncomfortable. Not to SEE it, because I was going to cover up, but just to know it was happening, apparently. That hurt my feelings. I know it was because of my daughter’s age; we have drastically different ideas of how to parent. Anyway, next time we’re going to bring our own blanket and won’t ask permission. They may not have even noticed what was happening in the first place if we’d done it that way!
I think many people are uncomfortable with the idea of a mother nursing within viewing distance. But with practice and the right garments / undergarments, nursing can be managed without anyone seeing anything unless they are staring with the purpose of trying to see something – and then it would be only the tiniest glimpse.
I assume that I was banished to another room to nurse because my in-laws didn’t want to see my breasts. Well, frankly, I don’t want them to see my breasts, either! Since I’m confident I can manage that yet still stay part of the conversation, I stay in the room. And like I said, no one objects, gives me funny looks, or questions my right to be there. They don’t even know I’m nursing unless they stop to think about it (maybe baby is just sleeping) – and if they’re having to stop to think about it, well, obviously I’m not flashing them!
All it took was skill and confidence, and now I’m a lot happier and more comfortable visiting my in-laws, as is baby (no more chilly “other room”), and even one of my sisters-in-law has taken to staying in the room to nurse as well. (She uses a blanket, but she still went to “the room” previously.) My sister-and-law and I didn’t discuss this; it’s not an advocacy issue – it’s a comfort-level issue, and I’m pleased that she’s that much more confident as a nursing mother.
I hope it’s clear from this that I’m not trying to offend anyone by nursing my child discreetly. In fact, it’s quite the opposite! I nurse discreetly in order not to offend, and to bring about the best outcomes for everyone involved – no one enjoys a screaming child, and I also trust that my husband’s family values my presence and contributions to the conversation, as well as my contributions to their grandchild’s health and well-being.
When nursing mothers feel that they can still take part of life _and_ nurse, they’ll tend to nurse longer and more in tune with their child’s needs. Research has proven that “extended” nursing produces the best outcomes for the mother and the child. I’m all for that!
My sister-in-law just had a baby and I have to say that I am slightly disturbed by her breastfeeding habit. I might sound old-fashioned but I am tired of seeing her breast all the time and I wish that she would think of covering herself. I understand that breastfeeding is not easy, but mothers have to realize that they have to respect other people’s boundaries. I went to a restaurant with a friend of mine who used a blanket to breasfeed her baby while enjoying the meal and I was way more confortable and happy for her. Keeping some mystery is sometimes the key. People really don’t need to be face to face with mothers’ nipples. seriously.