Comments on: Nursing around Disapproving Family Members

By: NICI

NICI — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 04:47:22 +0000

My grandmother was one of those”older raised in a different time” folks and she breastfed discreetly. Women were ok to nurse in public covered(a diaper over top of the exposed breast) not because of strife or other women but because nursing exposed could put a woman in a dangerous position with the strange men leering at the woman’s delicate parts. If you could not latch while keeping it all covered(I know I can’t) the proper thing to do was step into a private room, bathroom,etc… to latch and strategically place your diaper then return to mixed company. I do step into a “safe” place to latch if possible then use a thin scarf for cover but in such a way that if you look over my shoulder you can see baby. I do not feel a need to suffocate my children(my oldest nursed 18 months)nor bounce a double ff for everyone to see,I just settle for the happy medium that has old and young alike smiling and nodding…

By: Alinoe

Alinoe — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 15:44:49 +0000

My sister-in-law just had a baby and I have to say that I am slightly disturbed by her breastfeeding habit. I might sound old-fashioned but I am tired of seeing her breast all the time and I wish that she would think of covering herself. I understand that breastfeeding is not easy, but mothers have to realize that they have to respect other people’s boundaries. I went to a restaurant with a friend of mine who used a blanket to breasfeed her baby while enjoying the meal and I was way more confortable and happy for her. Keeping some mystery is sometimes the key. People really don’t need to be face to face with mothers’ nipples. seriously.

By: Elisa @ blissfulE

Elisa @ blissfulE — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 03:05:40 +0000

I think many people are uncomfortable with the idea of a mother nursing within viewing distance. But with practice and the right garments / undergarments, nursing can be managed without anyone seeing anything unless they are staring with the purpose of trying to see something – and then it would be only the tiniest glimpse.

I assume that I was banished to another room to nurse because my in-laws didn’t want to see my breasts. Well, frankly, I don’t want them to see my breasts, either! Since I’m confident I can manage that yet still stay part of the conversation, I stay in the room. And like I said, no one objects, gives me funny looks, or questions my right to be there. They don’t even know I’m nursing unless they stop to think about it (maybe baby is just sleeping) – and if they’re having to stop to think about it, well, obviously I’m not flashing them!

All it took was skill and confidence, and now I’m a lot happier and more comfortable visiting my in-laws, as is baby (no more chilly “other room”), and even one of my sisters-in-law has taken to staying in the room to nurse as well. (She uses a blanket, but she still went to “the room” previously.) My sister-and-law and I didn’t discuss this; it’s not an advocacy issue – it’s a comfort-level issue, and I’m pleased that she’s that much more confident as a nursing mother.

I hope it’s clear from this that I’m not trying to offend anyone by nursing my child discreetly. In fact, it’s quite the opposite! I nurse discreetly in order not to offend, and to bring about the best outcomes for everyone involved – no one enjoys a screaming child, and I also trust that my husband’s family values my presence and contributions to the conversation, as well as my contributions to their grandchild’s health and well-being.

When nursing mothers feel that they can still take part of life _and_ nurse, they’ll tend to nurse longer and more in tune with their child’s needs. Research has proven that “extended” nursing produces the best outcomes for the mother and the child. I’m all for that!

By: Jenny

Jenny — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 02:48:47 +0000

Thanks for this post! It makes me feel better to know that others are faced with this and trying to keep the peace with my husband’s relatives doesn’t make me a hypocrite. My MIL, while supportive of breastfeeding in theory, always had the habit when we were out somewhere of asking “well where are you going to nurse the baby?” I always said, “right here at the table” (or wherever). Nothing showed when I nursed.

The worst episode was Christmas last year. My in-laws had bought what seemed like a never-ending mound of gifts which had to be opened one at a time while everyone watched. My daughter, who was 19 months old, was so cranky because once she got a toy and wanted to settle in and play with it, someone was taking it away and thrusting another into her hands to open. Then she was expected to sit for hours watching everyone else open gifts. Needless to say, it was overwhelming and she wanted to comfort nurse. I left the room a couple of times with her only to come back and find everyone waiting on us. My husband saw the problem and said it would be fine for me to nurse her right there, and he’d go find a blanket. His mother said, transparently, that if I nursed her in the bedroom she might go to sleep. When we didn’t agree, she chased my husband down the hall and told him it made his grandmother and brother uncomfortable. Not to SEE it, because I was going to cover up, but just to know it was happening, apparently. That hurt my feelings. I know it was because of my daughter’s age; we have drastically different ideas of how to parent. Anyway, next time we’re going to bring our own blanket and won’t ask permission. They may not have even noticed what was happening in the first place if we’d done it that way!

By: Michelle

Michelle — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 18:16:16 +0000

I wanted to add that some would argue, “well they shouldn’t feel uncomfortable, nursing is natural.” And yes this is true. But older people especially were raised in a different time, and I respect their feelings on the matter.

By: Michelle

Michelle — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 18:15:17 +0000

Well, I hate to offend anyone and quite honestly I prefer to nurse in private anyway (I’m very modest). But even if I wasn’t, I would like to think that I would respect other people’s wishes especially in their own house. I would never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable if I can help it.

By: Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor

Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 17:58:32 +0000

Tania, I hope most women “stubbornly insist” on breastfeeding! I certainly do It sure is tricky though when it comes to negotiating these relationships with disapproving family members who might not understand why breastfeeding is so important to the nursing mother and baby.

By: Steph

Steph — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 11:53:45 +0000

I’ve always been lucky that I’ve had generally supportive family (and super-supportive in laws). Unfortunately, all that changed when my nursling grew up- and was still nursing. Although nothing is said, I simply do not breastfeed my elder nursling in the presence of a disgusted scowl.. but that’s for my own sanity’s sake, not for the scowler’s benefit

By: Elisa @ blissfulE

Elisa @ blissfulE — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 02:12:38 +0000

I was shocked when I first visited my husband’s parents as a nursing mother to find that I was expected to sit in a chilly room away from the conversation while breastfeeding. We had traveled 14 hours to get there, and I was immediately banished to this other room (even when I said I was able to nurse very discreetly and would prefer to join in the conversation). I wouldn’t have been so surprised, were it not for the fact that my husband’s sister and sisters-in-law all breastfed all of their children – and they all lived in the same suburb! Apparently that room gets a lot of use!

I was so surprised and tired that I retreated to “the room” as requested, but later I just stayed in the comfortable warm room where the conversation was and nursed discreetly as I have all over the world in many cultures and situations. No one objected (probably didn’t realise what I was doing until it was too late to send me out), and although they always offer and point out “the room” to me when we visit, I thank them and stay put.

The attitude behind sending nursing mothers off to another room does make me greatly prefer to meet my husband’s family at a neutral location or in my home rather than theirs. I imagine they think they’ve done us a favour by having a room ready for our use while nursing, and I just prefer “the room” not to be a part of the equation.

By: tania

tania — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 20:46:36 +0000

I might be one of those stubbornly insisting to breastfeed not at all costs, but pretty close to it. When I had my daughter and went to visit my in-laws, I had to breastfeed her in front of my father in law. I didn’t feel comfortable and neither did he, but we stubbornly remained seated, looking the opposite way while continuing the small talk. I knew he thought I should move to the other room to nurse discreetly, but I wouldn’t.
With time he didn’t mind me nursing anymore, just had to get used with it, as he would never admit he has some problem with me breasteeding his granddaughter.

Recently I thought how our example changes people’s attitude so much. My sister came to visit with her 6-months old. She’s not quite ‘modest’, but I don’t think she’s very comfortable with nursing in public – or in front of others, even if they are family. My husband came into the room while she was nursing not very discreetly and asked her something – after few years of me breastfeeding, he didn’t even give it a thought, nor was he in any way disturbed – he simply didn’t notice she was exposed in some way, as breasts are for babies and while serving their purpose they are not of interest.