Supporting All Mothers, Breastfeeding or Not
April 9, 2007 by Angela White, J.D., breastfeeding counselor
Filed under breastfeeding, mothering
I took a little bit of flak after the Nestlé boycott post with some comments from bottle-feeding mothers who said in part:
The only thing that really strikes a ping in me though is this type of statement: “A full 25.7% of surveyed adults in the United States recently agreed with the false statement that artificial baby milk is ‘as good as breast milk.’ Where do you think they got that mistaken impression?” My third was bottle fed, due to various health reasons, and is just fine. We all do what is best for our situation, and should not be made to feel like less of a mommy or inadequate. I respect all mommies choices on this issue and would hope that they would also reciprocate and be open to others choices.
and
I am getting really sick of the people that are against formula…. [P]lease try to maintain a level of support all mothers. Personally, I am tired of hearing about how bad a mother is because she doesn’t breast feed.
I knew that post would be controversial and that’s fine — sometimes it’s good to shake things up a little and it is nice to put something out there and get a response. Blogging can be lonely, especially when I’m pouring my heart out and taking lots of time to research and write posts that do not receive a single comment.
That said, I’m sorry to have made some mothers feel bad. That’s not my intention and I didn’t think I was criticizing bottle-feeding by lambasting Nestlé for its unethical marketing practices. I don’t go around chastising mothers who bottle-feed, particularly because an outsider does not know the story behind that decision. I pride myself on helping mothers who want to breastfeed, for as long as they want to do so. If a mother calls me or writes to me for help with weaning, I offer information and support without judgment.
Having said that, though, I’m not sure why I’m expected to agree with the statement that artificial milk is as good as breast milk, or rather, why I’m not allowed to say that statement is false. That’s a bit like asking a nutritionist to agree that french fries are as healthful as plain baked potatoes. It simply isn’t true. It doesn’t mean that mothers should feel guilty about feeding their children french fries. I also doubt that nutritionists go around lecturing patrons at McDonald’s about ordering fries (just as I don’t criticize bottle-feeding mothers). All of this french fry talk reminds me, did anyone else think that documentary Super Size Me
There’s a difference between educating/informing and blaming/shaming. By educating people about the deceptive practices of artificial baby milk companies I was not blaming mothers who bottle-feed. My aim is to inform people about breastfeeding without shaming those who are bottle-feeding.
SOME breastfeeding moms make other moms feel guilty or really down their choices. But just because someone says something even quite negative about formula doesn’t mean they are criticizing every use of formula. I make a distinction.
I consider myself probably a little more sensitive/thin-skinned than I’d like to be, but when I hear someone calling out formula, _I_ don’t feel bad about it even though I’ve used formula myself.
My feeling is that formula has its place, and I use it when I have to, but I don’t take every negative comment in relation to formula to heart because I don’t believe it’s a personal critique.
I think because some lactivists are very vocal, and because some people may be surrounded by breastfeeders, they think that breastfeeders are unyielding nazis of some kind. However, they forget that breastfeeders, as a whole, are quite in the minority, and are trying to take a stand against people automatically downing breastfeeding.
And because the proper information about breastfeeding doesn’t get out to people, people will often give up on breastfeeding too soon. I have heard of moms who “tried” to breastfeed, but they didn’t do the stuff I was doing, and then they gave up.
I agree. Just because you are stating the truth doesn’t mean you are downing people. The reality is that formula does not compare to breastmilk. Period. It is the 4th (not even 2nd) best alternative. Does that mean it shouldn’t be used if need be? Of course not. But you shouldn’t take that personally. If every mom can’t get her kid into Harvard, should she take that as a failure? No. If you can’t afford to send your kid to private school, are you a failure? No.
(I realize it’s not quite a proper analogy…)
We moms are all out there trying to do the best we can so we shouldn’t be insulted when presented with the facts. Sorry this comment is all over the place, but I find it frustrating that moms will let their defensiveness on this topic cloud the truth.
It seems like people who make informed decisions have weighed the pros and cons and would know that it is not the same as breastfeeding. However, formula could be better for someone’s specific family. If that is your choice, why feel insulted? Saying formula is unilaterally just as good as BM is false though.
After my tiny whine about not getting any comments on some posts, I sure am glad to read your supportive comments Hanmee and Leah! Thanks.
Angela,
Keep your head up. You are awesome! I have always been impressed with your website/blog. You have such an amazing wealth of information, fun polls, lots and lots of humor, education and support. . . Keep doing what your are doing because you ROCK!!!
You do NOT need to justify yourself any further.
Breastfeeding and Formula Feeding are not equal.
Period.
I have 2 comments to add to this discussion:
First, there was a huge debate about a year ago regarding an ad campaign that was designed to highlight the dangers of formula feeding (rather than extol the benefits of breastfeeding). This approach was very controversial, but in my opinion it was the right way to go. A lot of women think “breastfeeding is an A+, but formula is an A (or a B).” But really, formula is a C. It just passes. Babies younger than 4-6 months are limited in what they can digest, and formula is digestible and provides the basic nutrition for survival. That’s about it. But this was so controversial and I personally have never seen the ads on tv (although I don’t really watch a lot of tv, but I see formula ads all the time).
My second comment is regarding the “I fed my baby formula and he/she turned out fine” retort. You hear this often and it is a difficult one to respond to. I certainly do not wish ill on anyone’s baby. Formula fed, or otherwise. But at the same time, these comments ignore the vast scientific evidence that formula fed babies are at risk for all sorts of problems. To use my husband’s favorite analogy:
“[it is] like arguing that it’s OK to drop a baby on its head, because you accidentally dropped your kid once, and he turned out fine. Neither formula or a nasty fall may cause any harm in the end in a given case, but it’s not a risk one should gravitate towards.”
This was posted on his blog many months ago http://rattlingthekettle.com/2006/08/08/breastfeeding)
Incidentally, he also complains about being starved for comments. You bloggers really love your comments
Thanks Colleen and Eilat. Yes I do love to get comments and both of your supportive comments have cheered me up!
Frankly, I think women who choose formula over breastmilk should feel guilty. Putting aside those mothers who really cannot nurse (the barista at Starbucks who doesn’t have a place to pump at work; the mother of premature twins who cannot get the pump thing going despite the agonizing; the woman who saw 15 lactation consultants but just couldn’t make it work), the *choice* of formula is a BAD choice, one that puts your baby at significant, needless, risk.
The facts are overwhelmingly clear: formula is not as good for your baby as breastmilk. If you have a choice, and choose the inferior stuff, you shouldn’t get a free pass.
The formula companies would, of course, have you believe otherwise. They use their financial clout to spread the misleading word that formula is “just as good”, via advertisements and “education” efforts aimed at pediatricians. They are nothing but drug pushers, to quote my lovely wife (one good quote deserves another).
Regarding feeling guilty: I don’t think it’s effective, and it hurts the process of education and dialogue that our society needs to increase rates of breastfeeding.
I am still breastfeeding my 23 month old daughter, but I have been on other sides of “mommy wars.” I work full-time, and have since she was 2 months old. I wish I could stay home with her, but finances dictate otherwise. There are many who criticize working mothers – and conversely, many who criticize those who stay home with their kids. My dd is in a great daycare situation, so I feel good about her care.
I also use disposable diapers, and know that that’s not the best choice, either for my daughter or the environment. But again, I work full-time, don’t have a washer/dryer in the house, only have time to go the laundromat on weekends, and there’s no diaper services in my area. Should I feel guilty about not using cloth diapers? I think it’s better to just accept that I made the best choice I could, given my circumstances, and try other ways to protect the environment.
Same with moms who ff. We need to do more to educate the public in general and new moms and pregnant women in particular about bf-ing, and provide more support to help women who are struggling with bf-ing succeed. But guilt is couter-productive – it makes people resentful and defensive, and doesn’t achieve the goals you want.
I am really enjoying reading all of your comments on every side of this issue! Thanks for all of the input.
Daughter: I think you’re right, that using guilt to change behavior is probably ineffective. I try to make a distinction, however, between trying to make someone feel guilty and encouraging that person to feel guilty all on her own. It’s the difference between telling someone they are a terrible mom for ff’ing and telling her how great breastmilk is and how poor formula is by comparison.
The bottom line is that people who choose to ff when breastmilk is available are making a bad choice. If my sister felt guilty about ff’ing her first child when my wife and I constantly extolled the many virtues of breastmilk during her second pregnancy, so be it.
The decision to breastfeed, however, is extremely dissimilar to the decision of how (or whether!) to diaper a baby (and using a diaper service, btw, eliminates the environmental advantage of cloth, but that’s another topic). Disposable diapers aren’t going to send you kid to the pediatrician 6 times with an ear infection that could have been avoided by using cloth, nor do millions of babies in the undeveloped word die due to diarrhea caused by disposable diapers.
I agree that trying to make someone feel guilty is different than having them feel an urge of their own conscience to act. If that’s the case, then great. Otherwise, I think that many moms are simply moved to defensiveness.
I do have to say that despite my own “minimal” (I put that in quotes b/c that definition is different from person to person) use of formula, I get annoyed when other people choose to use formula, PARTICULARLY when they down breastfeeding.
That’s because I’ve struggled with breastfeeding both times. I had an emergency c-section with my first, after being in natural labor (started out at a birth center with a CNM) for over 30 hours, and my son ended up in NICU after the first night. I had problems breastfeeding both children, though things did go better with my daughter, so I at least was able to breastfeed her for a longer period of time.
For both kids, I’ve pumped whenever I couldn’t breastfeed, and I pumped around the clock early on. The toughest was the times when I was breastfeeding at the beginning (and you know how long it takes them to feed at the beginning), then put them down, and then try to pump (this was after it was clear that they were not extracting “all” the milk.
With my son, I pumped every few hours (except a slightly longer period at night) until he was 1. My daughter is currently 7 mos old and I am still pumping for her (will continue until she is 1). My supply was only about half of my son’s needs. With my daughter, it’s maybe 75%? (Better than the first time, but not 100%, even with a hospital grade and pumping for 30 min at a time instead of 15, with the same number of pumps.)
I say all this to say, it’s been a tiring, trying time to give them all the breast milk I can, so when I hear about moms who use formula because they think breastfeeding is icky or “such a hassle”, it frustrates me because I felt like I’ve pushed myself to the limit to give them what breast milk I could. So no, I don’t down moms who try and for one reason or another can’t give all/some breast milk, but I guess I do get ticked off at those who are capable and don’t.
And just a side note. Yes, nutrition is primary, but I wouldn’t say that cloth diapers is not totally a concern. Being an environmental issue may not make an IMMEDIATE impact in terms of life/death but it does have a definite impact and will more and more impact our daily life, particularly in the life of our kids. Second, they are starting to discover new things like increased infertility for boys who wear disposables. So although it may not be as immediate/urgent as breast milk, it is an issue worth considering.
(I’ve been using disposables, but have been looking into this more and more. Still trying to find a nighttime combo that works for my very large/very heavy wetter son.)
Rattling – I understand what you are saying, and I agree that there’s a difference between providing information about why bf-ing is better, and intentionally calling a mom a bad mother for ff-ing. I have seen the line crossed, though, and I don’t think it helps the cause.
Hanmee – wow. I really admire you! I pumped milk for until my daughter was 10 months old. I was fortunate that my daughter latched on the first time I held her, and we’ve had very few problems with nursing.
I think that a lot of things go back to our society and how it deals with nursing and supporting mothers. Many people today don’t have extended family around them or close neighbors to help. When I got pregnant, my husband was recovering from open heart surgery. (It was the 2nd time we had sex after his doctor gave him the go-ahead! Go figure…). But because he was recovering, he wasn’t working, and I was our only source of income. Then I ended up having a very high-risk pregnancy, and was on bedrest for months. During this time, our car was totaled, my father-in-law died, and numerous other things occurred in our families. By the time I gave birth, I was beyond overwhelmed.
For this reason, I was grateful that my daughter started and continued nursing without a problem. I also had support from the lactation consultant and women from La Leche League (although I mostly just talked to them on the phone – since most of the meetings were during the day when I was working).
I think that if I had had some support around diapering – someone to show me how to do it, and to help me figure out how to make it work with my circumstances – or if I had been able to stay at home with my daughter, thus had more time – I would have tried to make it work. I read about cloth diapering on the internet, and it seemed confusing and beyond me – e.g., “rinse diapers in the toilet, place in a container with water you change daily, wash first in cold water with vinegar, then wash again with warm water, then …” – not to mention all the differences of opinions about which types are best, which detergent is best to use. It felt like too much when I was already emotional and overwhelmed, so I didn’t even try.
The women who don’t try to bf because they think it’s “icky” – I think that can be changed by education directed at changing societal attitudes about bf-ing. But some women may not try because it seems overwhelming and they have no one to help them through that. In the latter case, I think support is more needed.