Having said that, I had reached a point where I needed some extended time to myself — some time when I was not in charge of one or more of my three children. The problem was that I do not enjoy leaving a child who will surely cry for me if I am not there. I don’t find that relaxing! My first daughter was a high-needs child who absolutely could not separate from me for significant periods of time until she was nearly three years old. Sure she would have survived, but not without tears, and not without crying until she threw up (I never let it get to that point, but I could tell in our early (aborted) attempts at night-weaning that that would be the case). So with her, I learned to take breaks at home — a long, hot bath, a nap, a movie in bed. Something where I could be summoned if needed but could relax in knowing that my child was happy and nearby.

My third daughter is different. She more readily accepts being comforted by my husband. Still, I wasn’t sure that she could manage more than a couple of hours without me. That’s not arrogance talking, either; that’s love and concern for my 16-month-old. So when I mentioned to friends that I was in desperate need of a break, I was a little surprised when they asked, “Couldn’t you just leave a bottle for her?” I know that many mothers separate from their nurslings far before the 16-month point either out of necessity or desire or both. But when you are a stay-at-home mother with a nursling who is used to having you around to comfort her on cue for the last 16 months, it’s not about the milk. It’s not about substituting a bottle for the breast. It’s about substituting another person for the mother and for comfort at the mother’s breast. My toddler drinks cow’s milk and water. She doesn’t need breast milk (although she continues to reap its benefits). What she needs and wants is comfort from me, and one way I provide that is by nursing her.

My husband is an attached parent too, and he has learned ways to provide comfort to my toddler as well. He carries her in the sling, snuggles her to sleep, takes her on adventures. So when I needed some time to myself on Saturday morning, I trusted that he would be able to keep her happy. I headed out the door at 9:30 a.m. and I used my free time to see the matinee movie of The Twilight Saga: New Moon. (I enjoyed it in spite of all the bad reviews!) I even had time when I got home to read a little and take a nap from which I woke up naturally (a nap is a rarity; sleeping as long as I want without being wakened by someone else is almost unheard of!)

So how did it go? My toddler was a trooper! She took a nap at home, then enjoyed a car ride to Whole Foods, a good amount of time grocery shopping while being worn in the sling, and the car ride home. We were separated for about five hours and I think she handled it better than I did! And no, I had not left a bottle of milk for her. I left her in the capable hands of her attached father.

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

“Attached at the Heart Through the Years” is the theme for AP Month 2009 and a statement that healthy, secure attachments between parents and children is a dynamic process that extends throughout childhood and does not end with baby bonding. During AP Month, parents are challenged to re-examine their daily activities and traditions and learn new ways to grow with each other and remain close and supportive.

I found breastfeeding to be a natural and easy way to bond with my children and to stay close to them through toddlerhood. Remaining close and attached was practically effortless during that time. The real challenge came after each child had weaned. Of course we could still hug and kiss and snuggle, but staying attached to active and independent children requires some additional attention.

Five Ways to Promote Attachment with the Older Child

1. Read to your child. Of course we read to our children when they have not yet learned to read, but it’s important to continue reading to your children even after they can read to themselves. Reading with your children not only promotes vocabulary building and comprehension, but it also offers the opportunity for snuggling together on the couch or in bed, and gives the children the gift of your undivided attention. Sitting quietly and talking with a child about a book often leads to the child talking about other things like her friends and school. Favorite reads in our family have been Little House on the Prairie, Caddie Woodlawn, Pippi Longstocking, and The Swiss Family Robinson.

2. Establish traditions. Holiday and everyday traditions bring family members together and lend a sense of stability and security to the family. In my house our traditions center around food! Wednesday nights we have a “feast” made from the contents of the Community-Supported Agriculture basket we pick up Wednesday afternoons. Friday night is pizza night (I love this pizza dough recipe from Allrecipes.com — it makes three crusts so I can use one and freeze the other two portions of dough for future pizza nights! If you want you can substitute an additional cup of whole wheat flour for one cup of the all-purpose.) Saturday morning we have a special breakfast, often these oatmeal pancakes which can be made fresh or frozen ahead of time and popped in the toaster. The kids look forward to these special meals. Best of all we are guaranteed to all sit down at the table together, a practice that many studies show is important for staying connected as a family and keeping children out of trouble at school.

3. Embrace the outdoors. Many of our happiest family memories are of the times we have gone on a bike ride, taken a hike, or spent the weekend camping. This is one of the best ways for the whole family to be entertained and enjoy spending time together. The fresh air and exercise are bonuses!

4. Spend time in the kitchen. Even young children love working in the kitchen with Mom or Dad. My kids often help with the preparation of the family tradition meals mentioned above. At the suggestion of Family Fun magazine I have taken these shared cooking activities one step further by taking pictures of us cooking particular favorite recipes. I plan to compile the recipes and photos in a special family “cookbook” for the children to have when they are older.

5. Snuggle for bedtime and consider co-sleeping. My seven- and four-year-old girls enjoy the sense of security they get when they are peacefully snuggled to sleep each night. After story time, either I or their dad snuggles them to sleep. Half the time the adult will fall asleep too, but often after five to ten minutes of snuggling, both girls will be asleep and the adult gets up to have a nice, quiet evening. It’s such a small investment of time on the parent’s part and yet it’s so meaningful to the child. I don’t understand why some parents would rather listen to their child cry than spend those precious moments snuggling in bed. It’s a privilege to have your children want to be with you, and it’s a privilege I intend to work hard to continue to earn as my children grow older.

Staying “attached at the heart through the years” is a joy for the whole family!

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

Mary shares her wisdom and wit in this practical and accessible book. Through her experience raising her ten children and through stories culled from other mothers of many, Mary demonstrates how a large family can be rewarding for the parents and satisfying for the entire family.

I have long enjoyed reading Mary’s blog Owlhaven.net. Mary breastfed and pumped for her four biological children and practices attachment parenting with all of her ten children including the six she and her husband John adopted from Korea and Ethiopia. Even though I do not share Mary’s religious convictions, I appreciate her openness and the way she conducts herself as a mother. I have learned many things about attachment parenting older children from her examples. I also like how she freely admits that maintaining patience is a daily struggle. Her approachable and generous style of writing means that even as I filed away ideas from her book, I felt reassured that I, too, could maintain sanity and happiness in raising a large family.

(Note: Mary also has a cookbook coming out this September. Family Feasts for $75 a Week is available for pre-order on Amazon.com now!)

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

When I had my first daughter, I fumbled my way around until I found my parenting style. It happened naturally. I couldn’t stand to hear my baby cry; what mother can? So I breastfed her on cue, wore her in a sling, and co-slept with her in my bed. Those things worked for me, my husband, and my baby. They continued to work for us, and we identified ourselves more and more with an “attachment parenting” philosophy.

'I Told You So' Photo by Marinka van Holten

As my daughter got older and older, the admonitions became more urgent: “She won’t be able to separate from you. She’ll be clingy. You’re holding her back and making her dependent upon you.” Then came the disapproving looks and the stories that weren’t addressed to me but were meant for my ears. The message was clear: “Extended breastfeeding is wrong and you are harming your child.”

Well, let’s fast forward to the end of the story. My first “baby” is now a 7-year-old. She went to preschool after she turned three, and she didn’t shed a tear on the first day of school. I prepared her for the milestone and she separated from me easily. And guess what, she was “still” nursing at that time. I can assure you that her lungs work just fine. She is a happy, social, empathetic child, and I dare say that’s because of — not in spite of — attachment parenting.

As a new mother I was not armed with the information or ability to tell the naysayers that they were wrong. All I could do was listen to my instincts. I’d silently say, “Just you wait and see. The time will come when you realize that my way is not the wrong way. It might not be right for you, but it is right for me and my children.” That time has come, and look at that, I have a blog that lets me say a big fat “I told you so.” I say that “I told you so” not in the hope of reaching those who doubted me, but in the hope of reaching any other mothers who are struggling with naysayers. Listen to your instincts. Not only will you and your child benefit now from breastfeeding, but you will continue to reap the rewards long afterwards, and I won’t blame you one bit if you utter an “I told you so.”

Stay Tuned for Additional Carnival Entries:

Strocel.com: The Story of Hannah’s Weaning
Baby Carriers Down Under: Traveling to Kandy, Sri Lanka
Laura’s Blog: Weaning a Toddler
Stepping off the Spaceship: Life, Death and Nourishment
So Fawned: Sticking with It
Mommy News Blog: How Breastfeeding Changed My Life
All That Sazz: Flying Breast Milk
GrudgeMom: Breastfeeding Failures and Success
Massachusetts Friends of Midwives: Ben’s Story, The Best Breastfeeding Advice from the Least Likely Source
BreastfeedingMums: Breastfeeding Made Me the Mother I Am
Motherwear Breastfeeding Blog: “They Said the Latch Was Fine”
Chronicles of a Nursing Mom: Breastfeeding Is Not Easy
Breastfeeding Moms Unite: Can Early Public Breastfeeding Sightings Shape One’s Future Breastfeeding Practices?
The Towells: Breastfeeding after Breast Reduction
Zen_Mommy: Celebrating . . . My Chest!
Blacktating: Nursing in Public
Crystal Gold: A Found Memory

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

Throughout the chapters on “Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings,” “Engaging Cooperation,” and “Alternatives to Punishment” I found myself dog-earring pages and scribbling notes in the margins:

Prevention not punishment.

Punishment versus natural consequences.

Give child a way to make amends.

Teach them the problem-solving skill.

This book has helped me transition from being the mother of a breastfed toddler whose two’s weren’t all that terrible, to the mother of a four-year-old and a seven-year-old who challenge my parenting skills daily. When I have the presence of mind to employ one of the techniques suggested in the book, I notice how it diffuses conflict rather than escalating it. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen equips parents with helpful communication skills, and it will remain one of my favorite attachment parenting references.

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

9 Months & Beyond, LLC offers a full doula services, lactation support and parenting education. We combine the best resources of a doula agency and pregnancy/ parenting boutique with a respectful, supportive community. From conception through the first years of parenting, we help birthing families through a range of counseling and educational services and products designed for their special circumstances.
Specialties include:
birth/labor doula services
childbirth education
birth tub rental
breast-pump rental
lactation education and consultation
parenting education
support groups
products that promote attachment and connected parenting (such as slings, books, etc)

What will you do if you win $10,000 for this idea?

From being an home-based, one woman show to developing a small service inside of a pediatric office, we are tired but excited by our progress. The extra money would help us make that next step in growth including expanding our hours of service and increasing our physical facilities space. We could then offer group classes for mothers/parents and at a variety of times to better serve our clients’ complex schedules. Further, with a bit of success under our belt, we are beginning to entertain investor options. Bringing more money to the table allows us to maintain control and the vision for our service.

If you agree it’s a fantastic idea and you want to support Micky and her business, vote here!

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

Please note: Breastfeeding 1-2-3 has no affiliation with “The Doctors” TV show. Please visit “The Doctors” website to submit a question. You’re welcome to leave a comment here but there is no guarantee the producers will see it!

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

Q: I found you on breastfeeding123.com’s “Fostering Independence in the Breastfed Child” and I must say that I like your blog. I have a question on Attachment Parenting. Do you have a problem that your child is too “attached” if you follow AP approach? Will they become too dependent on you?

A: I’m glad you enjoyed that post and thanks for writing to me! Your question is a very interesting one.

The quick and dirty answer is no, the attachment-parented child does not become too attached or dependent. I can say that with confidence simply because attachment parenting does not set out to create dependence. Attachment parenting is not “helicopter parenting” or “hover mothering.” It’s not about doing everything for the child or seeking to keep the child dependent upon the parent. In fact, parents like me who practice attachment parenting find that the opposite is true. When children create a healthy attachment to their parents, they feel more confident and secure. With that self-assurance, children feel free to explore their world, becoming more independent because they know that they can return to the security of an attached and loving parent.

So, we know what attachment parenting is not. What is it then? It’s an instinctive, intuitive approach to satisfying a child’s needs (as distinguished from a child’s “wants” — attachment parenting is not permissive parenting either). The best way I can explain it is to give examples from my own parenting at various stages.

Attachment parenting my baby. In the first year, attachment parenting my baby meant listening to her cues and responding to her cries. I did that by keeping her close to me–holding her in my arms, carrying her in a sling, co-sleeping–without worrying about “spoiling” her. A baby needs as much love and attention as possible, and a parent’s investment during a child’s infancy will pay off tremendous dividends as the child grows. That’s not to say that I found attachment parenting at all difficult. My natural instinct was to respond to my child’s cries. I felt a physical response to the crying and it benefited me and my baby to respond to those cries. As I bonded with my baby and got to know her, I learned to read her cues before she had to resort to crying to communicate her needs to me.

Breastfeeding helped with attachment parenting my baby, but it certainly isn’t necessary. Attachment parenting is a general philosophy of parenting, not a rigid set of rules. It means something different for every family and each family can apply the principles that work best in that family dynamic.

Attachment parenting my toddler. Once my baby grew into a toddler, attachment parenting translated into gentle discipline. That meant no spanking, yelling at or shaming my child. It meant putting away temptations, keeping my child fed/well-rested/entertained, and re-directing her attention from forbidden activities.

My first toddler never really had a “terrible two’s” stage because breastfeeding stopped every tantrum in its tracks. Toddler nursing allowed my toddler comfort and time to settle down. Once the need for a tantrum passed, we could talk through whatever it was that precipitated the need to nurse.

At the toddler stage, I started to see more and more of a difference between my mothering and the non-attachment parenting style of some of my friends. When my child needed to be near me during playgroup, I stayed with her. I could tell that other mothers disapproved, but I felt sure that not pushing my child to an unnatural and early independence would pay off with greater independence later. Sure enough, my child grew more and more independent over the next few years. The same transformation happened when I refused to make my daughter “cry-it-out” at night. Through gentle sleep techniques she eventually started sleeping better and asked for her own bed. All along I have enjoyed attachment parenting and now I’m enjoying some of its more tangible rewards.

Attachment parenting my preschooler. Attachment parenting my preschooler meant preparing her for school by taking a parent-toddler class first. Then I chose a school that aligned with my parenting style and suited my child’s needs and personality (not the school that was cheapest, closest or offered the longest hours away from me).

Gentle discipline continues, although I must admit I’m challenged at each new developmental stage. Whining is particularly annoying but I’ve learned to ask my daughter to rephrase, “But Mom, I want it now!” to “Please may I have that?” (She may or may not get the object of her desires, but she definitely learns how to ask nicely!)

If you want to read what the experts have to say about attachment parenting, I recommend The Attachment Parenting Book by William Sears, M.D. and Martha Sears, R.N. (or see the attachment parenting chapter in The Baby Book).

What do you think, readers? Do you apply attachment parenting principles in your life? How has your parenting style affected your child’s emotional and social development?

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

When I was pregnant, I did a lot of reading about breastfeeding. I made a commitment to breastfeed as it clearly was the best thing for my baby. What I didn’t expect was that breastfeeding would become so much more than my baby’s source of nutrition. It served as:

~ pacifier
~ sleep inducer
~ pain reliever
~ immunity booster (I knew about this one, but I didn’t know I’d be so extremely grateful for this when the entire family had stomach flu and my daughter was the least sick of all of us.)

It took a while for both me and my baby to get the hang of breastfeeding, but once we did, breastfeeding became:

~ a quiet and restful time for both of us.
~ easier than bottle-feeding, by far! I didn’t have to prepare bottles in the night or pack a diaper bag full of ice and artificial milk when I went out during the day.
~ a good transition to solid foods. The flavors in the breast milk made my baby more receptive to solids when she was ready. At the same time, breast milk remained a significant source of my child’s nutrition.
~ something that would make my baby smile and giggle in anticipation!

I didn’t expect that I would ever want to nurse beyond one year. I didn’t realize that there would be huge advantages to toddler nursing. Breastfeeding became:

~ the key to taming tantrums instantly.
~ the only means to get my toddler to nap when even a car ride wouldn’t get her to nod off.
~ my toddler’s favorite way of reconnecting after a separation.
~ a big part of my mothering style.

I realize that not all mothers come to feel that way about breastfeeding, and that’s okay. It’s okay to take breastfeeding one day at a time. It’s okay to see what breastfeeding becomes for you and your baby!

Stay tuned for more contributions (see the underlined links) as they come in from:

~ Tanya at the Motherwear Breastfeeding Blog recalls the big changes that breastfeeding brought in her life
~ Sinead at BreastfeedingMums looks back over her seven years as a mother and shares what she wishes she’d known
~ Andi at Mama Knows Breast lists her top 10 things she didn’t expect
~ Jennifer at The Lactivist shares what she wishes someone would have told her

and our special guest contributors this month (blogs in alphabetical order):

~ Shelly at Adventures of a Breastfeeding Mother tells us what she didn’t expect about breastfeeding
~ Down with the Kids reflects back on breastfeeding as she weans her son in her post “Goodbye Booby”
~ Ashlee at New Mama’s Nest shares what she didn’t expect when breastfeeding her “early bird”
~ Heather at The Spice Choir talks about how breastfeeding changed her social interactions and connectivity
~ Melanie from Spit-Up on My Shoulder is a postpartum doula who has written a book entitled Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me? True Stories of New Motherhood. She tells us why education is key
~ Rixa at The True Face of Birth shares how doing her homework helped her have a pleasurable breastfeeding experience

Photo credit: Johan Cloete

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

Bonding through Breastfeeding

The show “Young Moms Ask the Experts” focused on parenting questions. It tackled seven main questions and right off the bat the first question touched upon breastfeeding. The mother talked about how she felt disconnected from her daughter from the start. The husband explained, “Angie had difficulty breastfeeding her and that immediately made Angie feel like a bad mother.” Dr. Phil gently questioned the mother.

Dr. Phil: “You had some trouble breastfeeding?”
Angela: “Yes.”
Dr. Phil: “And you had some reactions to that emotionally right?”
Angela: “Yes. She didn’t want to cooperate and I didn’t know what I was doing and so the whole thing was just a ….” [her voice trailed off].

Dr. Phil expressed his belief that Angela had experienced some post-partum depression and said what a shame it was that no one recognized it and stepped in to help. Dr. Sears assured Angela that she was a good mother and that she simply had been “blessed” with a high-need baby.

Angela’s story really struck a chord with me (and not just because we have the same name!) When my first daughter was born, I developed post-partum Graves’ disease (autoimmune hyperthyroidism). I was sick for nearly a year before blood work at a routine annual physical diagnosed my overactive thyroid. I remember thinking: “Is this really what motherhood is? Is it this hard for everyone? Why am I so tired and stressed out and why am I not handling this as well as other mothers seem to be?” Lucky for me the one thing that was going well was breastfeeding. My daughter nursed well and breastfeeding gave me a way to feel that I was doing my best for her. It helped feed and soothe her and our nursing sessions were peaceful and restful.

The Angela on the Dr. Phil show was not so lucky. She felt shame and guilt when she most needed validation and support. I can see why mothers might quickly turn to formula if their efforts at breastfeeding make them feel like a failure. If only more mothers sought help in the early days — I’m talking within the first five days of breastfeeding — right at the start when mother and baby need help learning how to latch, and again a few days later when the mother’s milk comes in and another adjustment period takes place.

Angela needed help re-connecting with her daughter, now age three. The doctors gave her a few key pieces of advice:

1. When your child is having a tantrum, try to see the situation through your child’s eyes and express in words what the child wants. Say, “You really want that, don’t you?” even if you are not willing to give the item in question to the child. It’s enough just to give voice to the feelings and show that you understand what the child feels.

2. Don’t spank, ever. It causes distance between the child and parent and that’s the last thing you need when things are not going well. It doesn’t work and can be particularly disastrous with a strong-willed child.

3. Bond. Spend some one-on-one time reading, playing dolls or snuggling on the couch.

Self-soothing through Hair Pulling

The next question revealed an interesting link to breastfeeding. A 14-month old child had started plucking her own hair out on one side of her head and had developed a large bald spot. The mother had seen several doctors about the problem and had been told several different answers: it’s normal, it’s obsessive-compulsive disorder, it’s abandonment issues. As it turns out, the hair-pulling started when the girl’s pediatrician advised the mother to wean her daughter at 12 months. At the same time, the mother stopped bringing the baby into the parents’ bed at night. Dr. Bob said that it was simply too much to cut off both the breastfeeding and co-sleeping at once and that’s what triggered the behavior. The family needed to work on sleeping arrangements that would help the daughter feel secure, and the mother certainly could start breastfeeding her daughter again (the mother had raised this as an idea) or merely simulate “nursing” her by cuddling her at the mother’s chest.

Crying It Out

Parents of a four-and-a-half-month old baby disagreed about whether the mother should respond to the baby’s cries in the night. The pediatricians assured the mother that she absolutely should listen to her own instincts and respond to her baby’s cries. They talked about the dangers of letting a child “cry it out” including depriving the child’s brain of oxygen and flooding the brain with stress hormones. They recommended co-sleeping, using a co-sleeper next to the bed or at least moving the baby’s bed into the parents’ bedroom (which by the way is the recommendation of the American Academy of Pediatrics to reduce the risk of SIDS for babies younger than six months old).

Co-sleeping is the one issue on which Dr. Phil and the Sears family do not agree. Fortunately Dr. Phil was very respectful of his guest experts and simply acknowledged the difference of opinion. One of the best parts of the discussion was hearing Dr. Phil’s wife Robin say that she never listened to her husband when he said “you’ve got to let that baby cry”! She always listened to her instincts and comforted her children, so she was very glad to hear the Sears family backing her up!

Starting A Baby on Solid Foods

The discussion of when to start a baby on solid foods basically echoed what I said in “Starting Your Baby on Solid Foods: When, What and How.” The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends holding off on starting solids for the first six months. That’s best for allowing the baby’s intestines to develop more fully and to reduce the risk of food allergies. Once the baby starts on solids, the pediatricians suggested avoiding rice cereal (because it’s all carbohydrates) and instead choosing ripe mashed banana or avocado (as several mothers in our poll did).

Colic

I loved hearing Dr. Bill say that “colic” is a five letter word meaning the pediatrician doesn’t know what’s wrong. He said the two main causes of excessive crying are GER (gastroesophageal reflux) and food allergies. He recommended feeding the baby twice as often but half as much at each feeding, and holding the baby upright after a feeding. The other pediatricians noted that if the mother of a colicky baby is breastfeeding, up to half of the cases of excessive crying are attributable to dairy in the mother’s diet. Another culprit could be wheat. (If a breastfeeding mother suspects food allergies as a cause of colic, she should talk to her doctor and consider going on an elimination diet). I’ve gone on an elimination diet before and it’s not easy. If it helps a hurting baby though it’s more than worth it. Never give up trying to find a cause for colic.

The other recommendation for colic was to hold the baby a lot (no surprise there). Martha showed a mother how to do what my friends used to call a “cocktail shaker” hold in which they’d cradle their son on one arm and gently bounce him up and down to the rhythm of a constant beat.

All in all I thought the show was very interesting and informative and not nearly as controversial as I thought it might be. It was great to hear that Dr. Phil plans to have the Sears family back on the show to answer more questions in the future.

Did you watch? What were your thoughts on the show?

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3