Unfortunately, I have been faced with the choice of covering up/leaving the room to nurse or starting a big fight–especially when visiting my husband’s family. I wonder what other breastfeeding advocates do in situations such as this. Do they stand their ground and nurse uncovered? Leave family functions early to make a point?

Good question, and I do not think there is one right answer. Let’s think through the options:

1. Nurse uncovered.
2. Nurse covered.
3. Retreat to a different room.
4. Leave the family function early.

Photo family on the couch by Peterme

For me, the decision would depend on exactly who is uncomfortable with my nursing (the host or another guest?), what my relationship is with him/her (close family, distant relative, good friend, an acquaintance), whether that person is otherwise supportive of me and my parenting, and what I hope my future relationship with that person to be.

Frankly there have been occasions where I have been glad for the excuse to slip away to another room to nurse! I do want it to be my choice however, and in certain situations I would be willing to take a stand, nurse uncovered, and be prepared with some sort of speech should I be questioned about it. “I’m sorry the baby’s nursing makes you uncomfortable. I was having such a nice time talking with everyone and it makes me feel excluded to have to leave when Suzy needs to eat.” Having made my point, I would then wait to see what the objector says and take it from there. If it were the host, and I were again asked to move, I would do so, perhaps with one final expression of, “I respect your wishes. I hope you’ll catch me up on what happens when I’m gone!” Then I would make a decision about whether it is important for me to continue to make an appearance at future family events.

Leaving the function early only hurts the nursing mother and immediate family. It’s unlikely to change anyone else’s mind about whether the mother is welcome to nurse (they’re not going to say, “Gee, I didn’t realize Nursing Mother would leave!”), and it might just make people more questioning of the mother’s “stubborn insistence” on nursing at all costs. That does not educate anyone on why it’s not acceptable to ask someone to cover up or move, and why the baby can’t just take a bottle while in others’ company.

Nursing covered is a non-confrontational compromise, and is certainly a valid option if it is a compromise the mother is willing to make. Retreating to another room also avoids confrontation if the mother is willing to make that sacrifice to keep the peace.

There’s one final option that I didn’t mention above. When it is the husband’s family that objects, it is the husband who should be the one who talks to the family about why it is important for the nursing mother and baby to be welcomed at family events. The nursing mother should not be put in the awkward position of having to defend herself or compromise her beliefs. The husband should show his support by politely speaking to the family members, preferably in advance of the event.

Your Thoughts

What have you done when a family member or friend has objected to your nursing? What affected your decision to take a stand or keep the peace at all costs?

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

“In the latest issue of Parents Magazine (May 2009), on page 106, there is a blurb about nursing in public. It really made my hair curl! The paragraph, part of the Manners section, asks the question, “It is okay to nurse my baby in a restaurant?” Jana Banin, the etiquette columnist, says, ”Yes, as long as you’re discreet: Think scarves, shawls, dark booths, or quiet corner tables. No doubt you crave brunch as much as your baby craves milk, and there’s no reason why choosing to breastfeed has to mean months without eggs Benedict. In fact, you deserve it.” While I agree with the sentiment of the answer (it’s okay to nurse in public), the first sentence of her response qualifies when it’s okay, meaning it’s not always okay! I would love if a bunch of nursing moms emailed her and corrected her position! What she is saying undermines moms who may want to nurse but are wary of public nursing, and undermines the effort many women put into getting the general public to be accepting of nursing moms. Her email is manners@parentsmag.com. We shouldn’t need to feel ashamed about nursing in public, or made to feel as though we need to hide in dark corners of restaurants or cover up with a conspicuous shawl to feed our children! Who wants to eat covered up anyway??”

Jennifer B., I share your concern and thank you for bringing the column to my attention! Here is what I have emailed to the magazine in response:

“When you were asked, “Is it okay to nurse my baby in a restaurant?” (May 2009), a better answer would have been, “Yes, in fact the right of a mother and baby to breastfeed in public is statutorily protected by law in the majority of states, regardless of whether or not the mother is being “discreet” by anyone else’s standards. Etiquette defines the rules of socially acceptable behavior. Unfortunately, some people find breastfeeding in public socially unacceptable. However, etiquette in this case does not require the mother to accommodate those people. Instead, etiquette defines what those people should do when they witness breastfeeding in public. The polite thing for those people to do is to avert their gaze and let everyone eat in peace.”

Parents Magazine should support breastfeeding mothers and babies by reminding people that it is acceptable behavior to nurse in public freely. The more women are able to perform that most basic act of nurturing their babies in public, the more it will become socially acceptable.

Sincerely,
Angela White”

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

For more on the subject, see what La Leche League has to say about wet-nursing and cross-nursing, and read about the history of wet-nursing from sources compiled by Kellymom.

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3