Q: I found you on breastfeeding123.com’s “Fostering Independence in the Breastfed Child” and I must say that I like your blog. I have a question on Attachment Parenting. Do you have a problem that your child is too “attached” if you follow AP approach? Will they become too dependent on you?

A: I’m glad you enjoyed that post and thanks for writing to me! Your question is a very interesting one.

The quick and dirty answer is no, the attachment-parented child does not become too attached or dependent. I can say that with confidence simply because attachment parenting does not set out to create dependence. Attachment parenting is not “helicopter parenting” or “hover mothering.” It’s not about doing everything for the child or seeking to keep the child dependent upon the parent. In fact, parents like me who practice attachment parenting find that the opposite is true. When children create a healthy attachment to their parents, they feel more confident and secure. With that self-assurance, children feel free to explore their world, becoming more independent because they know that they can return to the security of an attached and loving parent.

So, we know what attachment parenting is not. What is it then? It’s an instinctive, intuitive approach to satisfying a child’s needs (as distinguished from a child’s “wants” — attachment parenting is not permissive parenting either). The best way I can explain it is to give examples from my own parenting at various stages.

Attachment parenting my baby. In the first year, attachment parenting my baby meant listening to her cues and responding to her cries. I did that by keeping her close to me–holding her in my arms, carrying her in a sling, co-sleeping–without worrying about “spoiling” her. A baby needs as much love and attention as possible, and a parent’s investment during a child’s infancy will pay off tremendous dividends as the child grows. That’s not to say that I found attachment parenting at all difficult. My natural instinct was to respond to my child’s cries. I felt a physical response to the crying and it benefited me and my baby to respond to those cries. As I bonded with my baby and got to know her, I learned to read her cues before she had to resort to crying to communicate her needs to me.

Breastfeeding helped with attachment parenting my baby, but it certainly isn’t necessary. Attachment parenting is a general philosophy of parenting, not a rigid set of rules. It means something different for every family and each family can apply the principles that work best in that family dynamic.

Attachment parenting my toddler. Once my baby grew into a toddler, attachment parenting translated into gentle discipline. That meant no spanking, yelling at or shaming my child. It meant putting away temptations, keeping my child fed/well-rested/entertained, and re-directing her attention from forbidden activities.

My first toddler never really had a “terrible two’s” stage because breastfeeding stopped every tantrum in its tracks. Toddler nursing allowed my toddler comfort and time to settle down. Once the need for a tantrum passed, we could talk through whatever it was that precipitated the need to nurse.

At the toddler stage, I started to see more and more of a difference between my mothering and the non-attachment parenting style of some of my friends. When my child needed to be near me during playgroup, I stayed with her. I could tell that other mothers disapproved, but I felt sure that not pushing my child to an unnatural and early independence would pay off with greater independence later. Sure enough, my child grew more and more independent over the next few years. The same transformation happened when I refused to make my daughter “cry-it-out” at night. Through gentle sleep techniques she eventually started sleeping better and asked for her own bed. All along I have enjoyed attachment parenting and now I’m enjoying some of its more tangible rewards.

Attachment parenting my preschooler. Attachment parenting my preschooler meant preparing her for school by taking a parent-toddler class first. Then I chose a school that aligned with my parenting style and suited my child’s needs and personality (not the school that was cheapest, closest or offered the longest hours away from me).

Gentle discipline continues, although I must admit I’m challenged at each new developmental stage. Whining is particularly annoying but I’ve learned to ask my daughter to rephrase, “But Mom, I want it now!” to “Please may I have that?” (She may or may not get the object of her desires, but she definitely learns how to ask nicely!)

If you want to read what the experts have to say about attachment parenting, I recommend The Attachment Parenting Book by William Sears, M.D. and Martha Sears, R.N. (or see the attachment parenting chapter in The Baby Book).

What do you think, readers? Do you apply attachment parenting principles in your life? How has your parenting style affected your child’s emotional and social development?

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

What Baby Needs is a companion book to Baby on the Way. Both are excellent books and will appeal greatly to parents who practice attachment parenting. If you’re looking for a book to help your child prepare to become a big brother or sister, personally I’d choose Baby on the Way with its discussion of pregnancy and birth and its focus on how the big brother or sister can participate in the process. If you’d prefer a book that didn’t feature pregnancy and birth, then What Baby Needs is a great choice.

As the title implies, What Baby Needs focuses primarily on the new baby (almost to the point of excess–on the 25 pages that contain text I counted 36 uses of the words “baby” and “babies”).

On the nursing front, the book is unabashedly pro-breastfeeding.

Babies have tiny tummies that like one thing best–their mommies’ milk.

Two illustrations show the mommy nursing the newborn, and one illustration shows the daddy feeding the older infant a bottle of expressed breast milk. Both my two-year-old and my four-and-a-half-year-old enjoy this book and have asked for me to read it to them several times over the past few days. I highly recommend What Baby Needs (and/or Baby on the Way) for every growing family.

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

Bonding through Breastfeeding

The show “Young Moms Ask the Experts” focused on parenting questions. It tackled seven main questions and right off the bat the first question touched upon breastfeeding. The mother talked about how she felt disconnected from her daughter from the start. The husband explained, “Angie had difficulty breastfeeding her and that immediately made Angie feel like a bad mother.” Dr. Phil gently questioned the mother.

Dr. Phil: “You had some trouble breastfeeding?”
Angela: “Yes.”
Dr. Phil: “And you had some reactions to that emotionally right?”
Angela: “Yes. She didn’t want to cooperate and I didn’t know what I was doing and so the whole thing was just a ….” [her voice trailed off].

Dr. Phil expressed his belief that Angela had experienced some post-partum depression and said what a shame it was that no one recognized it and stepped in to help. Dr. Sears assured Angela that she was a good mother and that she simply had been “blessed” with a high-need baby.

Angela’s story really struck a chord with me (and not just because we have the same name!) When my first daughter was born, I developed post-partum Graves’ disease (autoimmune hyperthyroidism). I was sick for nearly a year before blood work at a routine annual physical diagnosed my overactive thyroid. I remember thinking: “Is this really what motherhood is? Is it this hard for everyone? Why am I so tired and stressed out and why am I not handling this as well as other mothers seem to be?” Lucky for me the one thing that was going well was breastfeeding. My daughter nursed well and breastfeeding gave me a way to feel that I was doing my best for her. It helped feed and soothe her and our nursing sessions were peaceful and restful.

The Angela on the Dr. Phil show was not so lucky. She felt shame and guilt when she most needed validation and support. I can see why mothers might quickly turn to formula if their efforts at breastfeeding make them feel like a failure. If only more mothers sought help in the early days — I’m talking within the first five days of breastfeeding — right at the start when mother and baby need help learning how to latch, and again a few days later when the mother’s milk comes in and another adjustment period takes place.

Angela needed help re-connecting with her daughter, now age three. The doctors gave her a few key pieces of advice:

1. When your child is having a tantrum, try to see the situation through your child’s eyes and express in words what the child wants. Say, “You really want that, don’t you?” even if you are not willing to give the item in question to the child. It’s enough just to give voice to the feelings and show that you understand what the child feels.

2. Don’t spank, ever. It causes distance between the child and parent and that’s the last thing you need when things are not going well. It doesn’t work and can be particularly disastrous with a strong-willed child.

3. Bond. Spend some one-on-one time reading, playing dolls or snuggling on the couch.

Self-soothing through Hair Pulling

The next question revealed an interesting link to breastfeeding. A 14-month old child had started plucking her own hair out on one side of her head and had developed a large bald spot. The mother had seen several doctors about the problem and had been told several different answers: it’s normal, it’s obsessive-compulsive disorder, it’s abandonment issues. As it turns out, the hair-pulling started when the girl’s pediatrician advised the mother to wean her daughter at 12 months. At the same time, the mother stopped bringing the baby into the parents’ bed at night. Dr. Bob said that it was simply too much to cut off both the breastfeeding and co-sleeping at once and that’s what triggered the behavior. The family needed to work on sleeping arrangements that would help the daughter feel secure, and the mother certainly could start breastfeeding her daughter again (the mother had raised this as an idea) or merely simulate “nursing” her by cuddling her at the mother’s chest.

Crying It Out

Parents of a four-and-a-half-month old baby disagreed about whether the mother should respond to the baby’s cries in the night. The pediatricians assured the mother that she absolutely should listen to her own instincts and respond to her baby’s cries. They talked about the dangers of letting a child “cry it out” including depriving the child’s brain of oxygen and flooding the brain with stress hormones. They recommended co-sleeping, using a co-sleeper next to the bed or at least moving the baby’s bed into the parents’ bedroom (which by the way is the recommendation of the American Academy of Pediatrics to reduce the risk of SIDS for babies younger than six months old).

Co-sleeping is the one issue on which Dr. Phil and the Sears family do not agree. Fortunately Dr. Phil was very respectful of his guest experts and simply acknowledged the difference of opinion. One of the best parts of the discussion was hearing Dr. Phil’s wife Robin say that she never listened to her husband when he said “you’ve got to let that baby cry”! She always listened to her instincts and comforted her children, so she was very glad to hear the Sears family backing her up!

Starting A Baby on Solid Foods

The discussion of when to start a baby on solid foods basically echoed what I said in “Starting Your Baby on Solid Foods: When, What and How.” The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends holding off on starting solids for the first six months. That’s best for allowing the baby’s intestines to develop more fully and to reduce the risk of food allergies. Once the baby starts on solids, the pediatricians suggested avoiding rice cereal (because it’s all carbohydrates) and instead choosing ripe mashed banana or avocado (as several mothers in our poll did).

Colic

I loved hearing Dr. Bill say that “colic” is a five letter word meaning the pediatrician doesn’t know what’s wrong. He said the two main causes of excessive crying are GER (gastroesophageal reflux) and food allergies. He recommended feeding the baby twice as often but half as much at each feeding, and holding the baby upright after a feeding. The other pediatricians noted that if the mother of a colicky baby is breastfeeding, up to half of the cases of excessive crying are attributable to dairy in the mother’s diet. Another culprit could be wheat. (If a breastfeeding mother suspects food allergies as a cause of colic, she should talk to her doctor and consider going on an elimination diet). I’ve gone on an elimination diet before and it’s not easy. If it helps a hurting baby though it’s more than worth it. Never give up trying to find a cause for colic.

The other recommendation for colic was to hold the baby a lot (no surprise there). Martha showed a mother how to do what my friends used to call a “cocktail shaker” hold in which they’d cradle their son on one arm and gently bounce him up and down to the rhythm of a constant beat.

All in all I thought the show was very interesting and informative and not nearly as controversial as I thought it might be. It was great to hear that Dr. Phil plans to have the Sears family back on the show to answer more questions in the future.

Did you watch? What were your thoughts on the show?

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

Fans of William Sears, M.D., Martha Sears, R.N., and attachment parenting will not be disappointed by Baby on the Way, co-authored with Christie Watts Kelly and illustrated by Renee Andriani.

My rating: 5 out of 5.
Details: Children’s hardcover book published in 2001.
Subject: Becoming a big brother or sister.
Appropriate age of child: age 3 and older.
Price: Retail price U.S. $12.99, Amazon.com price as of this writing $10.18.

Cons:
~ Age level. My husband wanted to give this book fewer than five stars because it simply has too much text for very young children. If your child can sit through a longer book (mine liked this one when she was two-and-a-half and still does now that she’s four-and-a-half), this book is fine. The authors acknowledge that different parents and children will be comfortable with different levels of content about pregnancy and birth, and they encourage parents to modify the text as necessary, using words tailored to a child’s maturity level.

Pros:
~ Very positive nursing statement accompanied by a discreet illustration:

Your mommy will hold the baby a lot of the time. Tiny babies just sleep and nurse all day long–nursing is how babies get milk from their mommies’ breasts.

~ Charming illustrations.
~ Positive, pro-active discussion of becoming a big brother or sister. So many books focus on how a child might feel left out of the pregnancy and birth process and be jealous of a new baby. This book suggests many ways in which a child can participate and feel loved and included.
~ Natural mothering. It’s hard to find alternative images in children’s books. Natural mothering advocates will be happy to see images of cloth diapers and a birthing center.

For more information or to buy the book, see Baby on the Way.

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3