Today my husband took my older girls to a major league baseball game while I stayed home with my 11-month-old. The minute her sisters (i.e., the entertainment) left she started fussing! Who wants to stay home with boring old mom anyway?! Now I say this in the most loving way possible: this child is like a dog, if only in the sense that she goes to the door, bangs on it with her hands and yells until I say we’re going out! She wants to be where the action is, there’s no mistaking that.

So we headed out the door for a nice long walk. I put her in the Baby Jogger, and of course then she was all smiles! Part way through the walk she fell asleep and I stopped to read a book on a park bench underneath a pepper tree. When my daughter woke up flushed from sleep and the heat, I pulled her into my lap and she nursed contentedly until she popped off and beamed another big smile at me! We set out again, and she stayed happily in the stroller for another fifteen minutes or so. Then it was back to my arms for the rest of the way home. We must have looked quite the sight — me holding the baby in one arm and pulling the Jogger with the other (it was too hot for the sling I’d brought) because a kind woman pulled her car over to ask if I wanted a ride. I was quite happy and near home anyway, so I politely declined. The baby and I continued, with one more pit stop to play on the grass in the shade of the trees. All in all we were out for over an hour and a half. I had brought water for me, my cell phone and keys, a book, and some diapers, but that was enough to see us through for a grand adventure!

Generally we think of “nursing in public” as nursing anywhere besides the privacy of our own homes. However, the laws that protect nursing in public do not apply in the privacy of someone else’s home. Sometimes, the people who should support a nursing mother the most — her extended family and friends — are the ones who are uncomfortable seeing her nursing. In the comments for the last Carnival of Breastfeeding on Nursing in Public, Jenny raised this very issue:

Unfortunately, I have been faced with the choice of covering up/leaving the room to nurse or starting a big fight–especially when visiting my husband’s family. I wonder what other breastfeeding advocates do in situations such as this. Do they stand their ground and nurse uncovered? Leave family functions early to make a point?

Good question, and I do not think there is one right answer. Let’s think through the options:

1. Nurse uncovered.
2. Nurse covered.
3. Retreat to a different room.
4. Leave the family function early.

For me, the decision would depend on exactly who is uncomfortable with my nursing (the host or another guest?), what my relationship is with him/her (close family, distant relative, good friend, an acquaintance), whether that person is otherwise supportive of me and my parenting, and what I hope my future relationship with that person to be.

Frankly there have been occasions where I have been glad for the excuse to slip away to another room to nurse! I do want it to be my choice however, and in certain situations I would be willing to take a stand, nurse uncovered, and be prepared with some sort of speech should I be questioned about it. “I’m sorry the baby’s nursing makes you uncomfortable. I was having such a nice time talking with everyone and it makes me feel excluded to have to leave when Suzy needs to eat.” Having made my point, I would then wait to see what the objector says and take it from there. If it were the host, and I were again asked to move, I would do so, perhaps with one final expression of, “I respect your wishes. I hope you’ll catch me up on what happens when I’m gone!” Then I would make a decision about whether it is important for me to continue to make an appearance at future family events.

Leaving the function early only hurts the nursing mother and immediate family. It’s unlikely to change anyone else’s mind about whether the mother is welcome to nurse (they’re not going to say, “Gee, I didn’t realize Nursing Mother would leave!”), and it might just make people more questioning of the mother’s “stubborn insistence” on nursing at all costs. That does not educate anyone on why it’s not acceptable to ask someone to cover up or move, and why the baby can’t just take a bottle while in others’ company.

Nursing covered is a non-confrontational compromise, and is certainly a valid option if it is a compromise the mother is willing to make. Retreating to another room also avoids confrontation if the mother is willing to make that sacrifice to keep the peace.

There’s one final option that I didn’t mention above. When it is the husband’s family that objects, it is the husband who should be the one who talks to the family about why it is important for the nursing mother and baby to be welcomed at family events. The nursing mother should not be put in the awkward position of having to defend herself or compromise her beliefs. The husband should show his support by politely speaking to the family members, preferably in advance of the event.

Your Thoughts

What have you done when a family member or friend has objected to your nursing? What affected your decision to take a stand or keep the peace at all costs?

Welcome to the discussion of Nursing in Public for the June Carnival of Breastfeeding! If you are new here and/or have not yet joined the Facebook group I created in support of the Breastfeeding Promotion Act of 2009, please consider doing so!

Lots of carnival participants have shared their own stories and advice about nursing in public (see links at the end of this post), but first I would like to discuss the issue of whether women should or should not cover themselves with a nursing cover while breastfeeding in public. At first it might seem like a non-issue. I think most breastfeeding advocates would agree that women should not be told that they must cover themselves while nursing, but if a mother feels more comfortable using a cover, then she should use one — whatever it takes to allow her to feed her baby. To each her own, right? Well, maybe not.

I have posted instructions for sewing your own Hooter Hider-style nursing cover and have had several women say how much they appreciate it. However, I once had a breastfeeding advocate tell me that she was not inclined to post a pattern for a nursing cover because she believed it sent the wrong message to new mothers; that they might feel they had to cover up and had to breastfeed in as discreet a manner as possible.

So in the corner of Reasons to Cover:

~ It can make a woman comfortable nursing in public when she might not otherwise.
~ A cover can help an easily distracted baby settle to the task at hand (er, at breast).
~ The cover actually draws attention to the act of breastfeeding and might encourage other women to nurse in public if they see a way that they too would be comfortable nursing in public.

In the corner of Reasons Not to Cover:

~ Some babies refuse to be covered.
~ Without the “right” type of cover, some women have a difficult time seeing the baby and getting a proper latch.
~ A cover potentially can be hot and uncomfortable for mother and baby.
~ As I said, a nursing cover often draws attention to the act of breastfeeding — something a woman using a cover might actually have been trying to avoid!
~ Feeding without a nursing cover helps normalize breastfeeding.
~ Showing women that breastfeeding in public can be done without a cover might empower other women to do the same.
~ A cover might diminish a baby’s communication with the mother and his or her experience with the world, if only for those feedings in public.

In the end I do not think a breastfeeding mother is under any obligation to refrain from using a cover because it might send the wrong message. Just as the woman who does not use a cover is not “whipping out” her breast to make a point, the woman who does use a cover is not doing so to send a message that all breastfeeding women should cover themselves. A nursing mother’s only obligation is to her baby. Period.

What do you think? Do you use a cover and if so, why? Did you make a choice not to use a cover, and if so, why? Have your feelings changed as you have become more comfortable nursing in public? Leave a comment!

Other Carnival Participants (stay tuned for more links being added below through Monday, June 22 — this is a huge carnival!)

Lucy & Ethel Have a Baby: Nursing In Public (Boobs) Out and Proud
PhD in Parenting: Would You, Could You Nurse in Public?
Dirty Diaper Laundry: Breastfeeding in Public Talent - I Haz It
Kim through the Looking Glass: Here? At the Restaurant?
GrudgeMom: Nursing in a Room Full of People You Know
MumUnplugged: Aww, Is He Sleeping?
Massachusetts Friends of Midwives: Nursing in Public: Chinatown, the Subway, the Vatican, and More
Mother Mary’s Soapbox: Breastfeeding My Newborn in Public
Tiny Grass: Nursing in Public as an Immigrant
Mommy News and Views: Tips for Nursing in Public
Blacktating: Thank You for Nursing in Public
Motherwear Breastfeeding Blog: Get Kicked off a Bus for Nursing in Public? Here’s How to Respond
Mama Knows Breast: Products That Can Help You Breastfeed in Public
BreastfeedingMums: Nursing in Public: What’s a Breastfeeding Mother to Do
Stork Stories: Little Old Men & Nursing in Public
Chronicles of a Nursing Mom: Why Worry about NIP?
Warm Hearts Happy Family: Breastfeeding and the Summertime
Musings on Mamahood: NIP, no tuck
babyREADY: A Wee NIP in the Park
Tales of Life with a Girl on the Go: Plains, Trains and Automobiles, We’ve Breastfed in Them All
Breastfeeding Moms Unite: Nursing in Public, A Fresh Perspective on Nurse-ins
Never a Dull Moment: A NIP Product Alternative: Breastfeeding Hats versus Traditional Nursing Covers
Hobo Mama: Easy, Discreet Way to Nurse a Toddler in Public

This breastfeeding photo shows a mother nursing her baby in a sling, although you wouldn’t know it unless you read the title and captions!

Here’s the best part of this photo of a woman nursing her baby in a sling while they both rode the train in South Africa — the comments by the wife (the woman shown) and husband (the photographer).

Wife: “Home made sling, home made baby, home made food.”

Husband: “Technically, *hotel* made baby ;-)”

Thanks for the laugh guys, and thanks for showing how comfortably breastfeeding can be done while babywearing.

The June Carnival of Breastfeeding topic is “Nursing in Public.” I have written a lot about nursing in public in the past, and now it’s your turn to share a story, advice, a photo, or other piece on the subject.

Have a story or tip you want to share in a carnival post on your blog? Email me your submission by June 15, 2009, for consideration for the carnival on June 22, 2009. As a reminder, here are the guidelines that will increase the chances a post will be selected for inclusion in the carnival:

– A well-written, grammatically correct post
– Thoughtful commentary directly on point for the carnival subject
– Overall quality of the rest of your blog and whether the general subject matter is something of interest to our readers (breastfeeding, parenting)

If your post is selected for inclusion, you will be asked on the day of the carnival to edit your post to link back to each of the other participants in the carnival.

Excellent news on the breastfeeding legislation front as today Governor Chris Gregoire signed into law a breastfeeding civil rights bill. House Bill 1596 (PDF) amends the state anti-discrimination statutes RCW 49.60.030 and 2007 c 187 s 3 to add the following civil right:

(g) the right of a mother to breastfeed her child in any place of public resort, accommodation, assemblage, or amusement.

The law goes into effect in late July, 90 days after today. It adds on to the existing Washington laws that exempt breastfeeding and expressing breast milk from indecent exposure, and allow employers to call themselves “infant-friendly” if they meet certain requirements.

This is the kind of breastfeeding law I like to see in place because it creates an actionable right. Richard Roesler of the Spokesman-Review noted:

Complaints would be investigated by the state Human Rights Commission. Based on results involving similar laws in Vermont and Hawaii, the commission estimates that it will field 4-5 complaints a year.

The number of complaints per year surprises me. Come to think of it, I am not sure whether I expected the number of complaints to be lower or higher. I suppose as the law goes into effect, I would like to see a higher number of complaints as breastfeeding women become aware of and exercise their rights. Then I would like to see the number of complaints go down as businesses come into compliance with the law.

The debate rages on about breastfeeding in public and whether or not nursing mothers need to be “discreet.” Jennifer B. wrote in to share her concern:

“In the latest issue of Parents Magazine (May 2009), on page 106, there is a blurb about nursing in public. It really made my hair curl! The paragraph, part of the Manners section, asks the question, “It is okay to nurse my baby in a restaurant?” Jana Banin, the etiquette columnist, says, ”Yes, as long as you’re discreet: Think scarves, shawls, dark booths, or quiet corner tables. No doubt you crave brunch as much as your baby craves milk, and there’s no reason why choosing to breastfeed has to mean months without eggs Benedict. In fact, you deserve it.” While I agree with the sentiment of the answer (it’s okay to nurse in public), the first sentence of her response qualifies when it’s okay, meaning it’s not always okay! I would love if a bunch of nursing moms emailed her and corrected her position! What she is saying undermines moms who may want to nurse but are wary of public nursing, and undermines the effort many women put into getting the general public to be accepting of nursing moms. Her email is manners@parentsmag.com. We shouldn’t need to feel ashamed about nursing in public, or made to feel as though we need to hide in dark corners of restaurants or cover up with a conspicuous shawl to feed our children! Who wants to eat covered up anyway??”

Jennifer B., I share your concern and thank you for bringing the column to my attention! Here is what I have emailed to the magazine in response:

“When you were asked, “Is it okay to nurse my baby in a restaurant?” (May 2009), a better answer would have been, “Yes, in fact the right of a mother and baby to breastfeed in public is statutorily protected by law in the majority of states, regardless of whether or not the mother is being “discreet” by anyone else’s standards. Etiquette defines the rules of socially acceptable behavior. Unfortunately, some people find breastfeeding in public socially unacceptable. However, etiquette in this case does not require the mother to accommodate those people. Instead, etiquette defines what those people should do when they witness breastfeeding in public. The polite thing for those people to do is to avert their gaze and let everyone eat in peace.”

Parents Magazine should support breastfeeding mothers and babies by reminding people that it is acceptable behavior to nurse in public freely. The more women are able to perform that most basic act of nurturing their babies in public, the more it will become socially acceptable.

Sincerely,
Angela White”

Without getting into a debate about how much breast or nipple it is appropriate to show in public, I simply want to share this breastfeeding picture as an example how nursing in public often appears. Absolutely no skin (aside from that precious baby’s) shows and many people might assume the baby is sleeping and not nursing.

Do I think all mothers need to be this discreet in order to nurse in public? Absolutely not. I believe a mother should do what is necessary and what she is comfortable doing to nurse her baby in public.

Approximately 30 people braved the cold to protest outside the Asheville, North Carolina, Denny’s where Crystal Everitt was asked to cover up while breastfeeding her son. Another handful of protesters met outside a Hanover, Pennsylvania Denny’s. The media coverage consists of:

Newspaper article:

Asheville Citizen-Times: Nursing Mom Leads Protest

Television news:

Pennsylvania: WFMZ-TV covers the Hanover Township, Lehigh County nurse-in (great job speaking to the media, mama!!)

First-hand blog account of the nurse-in:

Jenny Harmon at Mothering without a Manual

Video of Corporate Statement:

You can watch the rather insincere and unsatisfactory statement of Rick Pate, representative for Success Management, which runs several Denny’s including the Asheville location:

Did you attend a nurse-in? Leave a comment to share how it went! Also, feel free to link to any other news accounts as they come in.

After Crystal Everitt was harassed for breastfeeding her son in an Asheville, North Carolina, Denny’s restaurant, she sought the help of FirstRight to approach the regional management about its policy on breastfeeding. Here is the statement of policy given to FirstRight by Rick Pate, Director of Operations for Success Management, which operates 32 Denny’s restaurants (including the Asheville, NC location), on February 16, 2009:

We at Denny’s work very hard to insure all guests have a pleasant dining experience. Breastfeeding is absolutely allowed in our restaurants; we do request that it be done with respect and discretion, as we are a family restaurant. We defer to our managers to carry out the company’s position.

In response, breastfeeding advocates argue that by asking for breastfeeding to “be done with respect” Denny’s implies that it thinks breastfeeding can be done disrespectfully. One would also hope that as a general rule Denny’s asks all customers to be respectful of each other and thus it is not necessary to single out breastfeeding mothers.

FirstRight continues to attempt to facilitate a policy change at the corporate level, while other activists continue to plan nurse-ins in light of the absence of an apology to Everitt.