“Attached at the Heart Through the Years” is the theme for AP Month 2009 and a statement that healthy, secure attachments between parents and children is a dynamic process that extends throughout childhood and does not end with baby bonding. During AP Month, parents are challenged to re-examine their daily activities and traditions and learn new ways to grow with each other and remain close and supportive.

I found breastfeeding to be a natural and easy way to bond with my children and to stay close to them through toddlerhood. Remaining close and attached was practically effortless during that time. The real challenge came after each child had weaned. Of course we could still hug and kiss and snuggle, but staying attached to active and independent children requires some additional attention.

Five Ways to Promote Attachment with the Older Child

1. Read to your child. Of course we read to our children when they have not yet learned to read, but it’s important to continue reading to your children even after they can read to themselves. Reading with your children not only promotes vocabulary building and comprehension, but it also offers the opportunity for snuggling together on the couch or in bed, and gives the children the gift of your undivided attention. Sitting quietly and talking with a child about a book often leads to the child talking about other things like her friends and school. Favorite reads in our family have been Little House on the Prairie, Caddie Woodlawn, Pippi Longstocking, and The Swiss Family Robinson.

2. Establish traditions. Holiday and everyday traditions bring family members together and lend a sense of stability and security to the family. In my house our traditions center around food! Wednesday nights we have a “feast” made from the contents of the Community-Supported Agriculture basket we pick up Wednesday afternoons. Friday night is pizza night (I love this pizza dough recipe from Allrecipes.com — it makes three crusts so I can use one and freeze the other two portions of dough for future pizza nights! If you want you can substitute an additional cup of whole wheat flour for one cup of the all-purpose.) Saturday morning we have a special breakfast, often these oatmeal pancakes which can be made fresh or frozen ahead of time and popped in the toaster. The kids look forward to these special meals. Best of all we are guaranteed to all sit down at the table together, a practice that many studies show is important for staying connected as a family and keeping children out of trouble at school.

3. Embrace the outdoors. Many of our happiest family memories are of the times we have gone on a bike ride, taken a hike, or spent the weekend camping. This is one of the best ways for the whole family to be entertained and enjoy spending time together. The fresh air and exercise are bonuses!

4. Spend time in the kitchen. Even young children love working in the kitchen with Mom or Dad. My kids often help with the preparation of the family tradition meals mentioned above. At the suggestion of Family Fun magazine I have taken these shared cooking activities one step further by taking pictures of us cooking particular favorite recipes. I plan to compile the recipes and photos in a special family “cookbook” for the children to have when they are older.

5. Snuggle for bedtime and consider co-sleeping. My seven- and four-year-old girls enjoy the sense of security they get when they are peacefully snuggled to sleep each night. After story time, either I or their dad snuggles them to sleep. Half the time the adult will fall asleep too, but often after five to ten minutes of snuggling, both girls will be asleep and the adult gets up to have a nice, quiet evening. It’s such a small investment of time on the parent’s part and yet it’s so meaningful to the child. I don’t understand why some parents would rather listen to their child cry than spend those precious moments snuggling in bed. It’s a privilege to have your children want to be with you, and it’s a privilege I intend to work hard to continue to earn as my children grow older.

Staying “attached at the heart through the years” is a joy for the whole family!

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

I remember feeling a little betrayed by the attachment parenting experts who basically said, “Deal with it. This too shall pass,” a lot frustrated with the exhaustion, and a little baffled by what to do about the problem. I was not willing to let my nursling cry-it-out, but I was not sure what else might work. Here is the question from reader Jennifer L.:

I met a mama of a 17-month-old in the park today and of course, “The question” came up. She looked at my 14-month-old and asked in a fair, even tone, “Is yours sleeping through the night?” Even without knowing this person, the sound of victory rang through clearly in her question. Her daughter was sleeping soundly and happily due to their hard work “sleep training.” Their daughter is happy and cheerful all day and goes to sleep easily thanks to the “Sleep Easy Solution.”

My daughter only has four teeth, and I imagine 10 are in the process of breaking though, but this has been our hypothesis for the last 5 months and we’re kind of worried the others might not pop through until well after she starts kindergarten. At any rate, she is still waking up at least twice a night or more to nurse. She still needs me to put her to sleep and she has (gasp!) the habit of falling asleep while nursing.

After talking with this mama at the park, my daughter and I rode home on our bike as fast as we could to read every review of the “Sleep Easy Solution” and then we had to re-read everything that came up when I ask Google to search for “Will my toddler *ever* sleep through the night?” Oddly enough, Dr. Sears and family always come up first and I often want to blame them that we’re in this boat to begin with. I read the articles out loud with hopes that my daughter will pick up on the idea that we’re brainstorming ideas to help her sleep.

I really liked your article on getting your child to sleep through the night, and I guess I want to hear about more mommies who managed to survive lots and lots of nightly nursing sessions. The thing is, sometimes she wakes up and cries and nursing doesn’t immediately put her back to sleep. She often wants to practice bouncing on the bed at 3 am (it’s the new thing you know!). Or she just has to cry because she’s so tired and can’t sleep.

My husband is confident that she’ll just learn to sleep through the night on her own. At tired moments, my confidence wanes. I want the easy solution. I want her to be well rested and 30 minutes of everyone crying-it-out for two days sounds very appealing sometimes–if we could all get some sleep afterward. Do 15-month-old toddlers need milk 3-4 times a night?

It figures that as I write this, my daughter is sleeping fairly well for her nap today (we magically made it over the one-hour-wake-up hump without me having to intervene!) and she slept fairly well last night. Her sleep is just so all-over-the-map that I wish I could bottle whatever it was that let her sleep 8 hour stretches and recreate it more often. As it is, it seems that we get a good 8 hour stretch about once or twice a month. And then, I am the one who wakes up at 2:30 am wondering where my nursing cub is.

Your daughter is older now–does she sleep though the night and did you continue nursing her at night for as long as she wanted? Dr. Sears suggests that babies still tend to wake up at night to nurse until sometimes between 2-4 years old. Zoiks! Sometimes I feel like I am nursing a gymnast and other times it’s like nursing a kitten (at least I only have one kitten!).

Thanks for any insight–
~Jennifer

Turns out I have written a lot about sleep over the years. Sadly, I am no expert. Reading back through my posts, what I can tell you is that I mainly kept up with the two night wakings until my daughter turned two, and then we began night-weaning. We had success off and on — if my daughter got sick I would gladly nurse her in the night to get that extra milk and antibodies into her. I also want to note that once children have night-weaned, they continue to wake occasionally for various reasons: to go to the bathroom, because they’ve wet the bed, because they’re sick, because they want someone to comfort them back to sleep, because they’ve had a bad dream or night terror or they’re sleep-walking.

As you can read in the co-sleeping section, our sleeping arrangements have changed over the years, and continue to do so. Right now, the 5-month-old sleeps with me while the 6- and 4-year-olds sleep with their dad. It works for us (and I should probably elaborate on that in another post)! Rather than have you wade through the archives, I have organized the articles on sleep. If you only have time for a few, read the starred articles.

My top tips in a nut shell:

- *** Don’t CIO.
- Talk to your child about the plan, no matter how young your child is. If the child is older, have him or her help come up with ideas (choosing a favorite toy to snuggle, picking a special sippy cup for water in the night).
- Change the bedtime routine to: nurse, brush teeth, jammies, stories, sing/rock/snuggle to sleep. Repeat the sing/rock/snuggle to sleep if the child wakes in the night.
- Have mom do the settling. Maybe it’s worked better for some to have dad do the bedtime routine and/or handle the night-wakings (and if you’re one of them, leave a comment! Some call this “Crying in Daddy’s Arms” or “Fathering Down”) but for me, my children felt more safe and loved and less abandoned by me if I did the comforting. I couldn’t bear to hear my child cry with her dad, and my husband did not appreciate when I’d rush in to “rescue” my child when he had been working so hard to settle her.
- Try using a particular song for settling your child, and then sing that same song again when your child wakes. Or use a tape player or “white noise” radio (very helpful if it has a sleep setting that will turn itself off).
- If it’s not working, then stop and wait another month or two. Be flexible and allow for nursing at night when the child is sick or teething.

Newborns:

~ My current experience with my 5-month-old in Sleep, Elusive Sleep
~ Moms of babies 12 months and younger can vent their frustrations by taking the researchers’ Infant Sleep Survey

Toddlers:

~ *** Starting the process of Getting Your Child to Sleep through the Night, written when my daughter had turned two
~ Celebrating 6.5 hours of sleep in Sleep, Glorious Sleep, when my daughter was two years one month old
~ a little humor to help see you through: “The Perils of Night-Nursing”
~ Toddler Swaddle, written when my daughter was two years two months
~ Progress report at two years three months old
~ *** My three steps to successful night-weaning without tears when my daughter was two years three months old.
~ Okay, I would still nurse her in the night if she were sick…. A short musing about my then 2.5-year-old waking two times a night to nurse
~ A brief bit of encouragement in “Let Me Reassure You,” written when my daughter was two years 11 months old.

Co-Sleeping:

~ SIDS, Breastfeeding, and Co-Sleeping
~ Poll Results about Breastfed Infants Sleeping in Cribs or Co-Sleeping with Their Parents
~ News debate about the relative danger/safety of co-sleeping
~ *** Advice on Weaning from Co-Sleeping without Crying-It-Out (Mom-to-Mom #9)
~ A brief history of my and others’ co-sleeping experience in Musical Beds and the Attachment Parenting and Breastfeeding Family
~ Study comments on how co-sleeping affects maternal mental health

Leave a Comment

What has your experience been with nursing and sleeping? When did you start night-weaning? When did your child start sleeping through the night (define that however you want, just let us know)? What are your tips? What worked or didn’t work?

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

My 10 month old babe has started to come over (she’s been walking for about two months now). She starts to nurse, and then as soon as my milk drops she fusses to get up and walks away, happy as a clam I might add. Is this normal? Is she playing some nursing game that I don’t know about? I can’t find anything about it online. She only wants to really nurse at night, or if I catch her in a groggy state after a nap. Otherwise, it’s the routine above. Any info or suggestions? I don’t want to shoo her away if she really wants it. Is it a phase? Any thoughts you or others might have would be greatly appreciated!

My reply:

My thoughts are that it’s perfectly normal — that your daughter is excited about everything else going on in her day and is too busy to nurse. Her coming to you until the milk lets down is just her making sure it’s there if she needs it! She’s checking in and reconnecting with you briefly before she goes off to explore something else. It’s giving her the self-confidence and assurance to explore her world.

You’re doing the right thing by nursing at night and trying to catch her at other times that she is receptive, like when she just wakes up from a nap. If you want to encourage more nursing during the day, you could try the bathtub as a relaxing setting (skin-to-skin contact can help too), using a sling (if she enjoys that), or going into a darkened room.

One helpful resource is the book Mothering Your Nursing Toddler by Norma Jane Bumgarner.

What has your experience with toddler nursing been? Did your nursling’s level of interest in breastfeeding wax and wane over time? Did a period of reduced interest in breastfeeding lead to weaning? How did you handle any changes in nursing interest? Leave a comment!

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

1. Illness. When she got the stomach flu, I wished she were getting antibodies and all-important fluids from breast milk to keep her from getting dehydrated.

2. Physical comfort. When my daughter started patting my cheeks and rubbing my arms and climbing all over me until I started to get secretly annoyed at the intrusion on my personal space, I realized that she simply needed more physical contact with me to make up for the time we used to spend nursing. When she patted my cheeks, she essentially was asking me to pat her cheeks. “Give me some physical attention, Mama!” was her unspoken plea.

3. Thirst. If I were a better planner, I would always keep a full Sigg water bottle in the car to satisfy the thirst that inevitably develops in the course of running errands in the hot, dry California sunshine. Maybe I had just gotten used to having liquid satisfaction ready at the breast, because there have been several times out and about where I’ve wished we didn’t have to search out a drinking fountain or another source of water.

4. Nap time. For a long time, the only way to get my daughter to nap was to nurse her or take her for a drive in the car. Now most days she skips a nap entirely, even though she might really need it. I do not usually force the issue unless we are all miserable (at which point she gets offered the choice of going for a drive or resting on the bed or the couch.) Those are the times I really miss nursing.

5. Meltdowns. I try my best to anticipate my child’s needs and keep her from getting too thirsty, hungry, or tired. Sometimes I miss the early warning signs though, and my daughter has a meltdown. It was lovely when breastfeeding was the cure-all that could end even the worst of tantrums. Now I’ve got to be even more vigilant and creative in my parenting!

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

By: Juria Yoshikawa

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

I am an IBCLC and currently searching for information or testimonials on weaning from the supplementary nursing system. Once the line is introduced mothers and babies do seem to become dependent on it and knowing the best way to remove it from the breastfeeding situation seems to be as elusive as the scarlet pimpernel. Could someone assist me please to help these mothers? Thank you.

If you used a supplemental nursing system or you are a lactation professional who has helped mothers with an SNS, please share your experience by leaving a comment! Feel free to leave links to other valuable resources as well.

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

From a physical standpoint, I am glad she has weaned. It is not easy to breastfeed while pregnant (although I have done it before). However, from a mothering standpoint, I have been sad that I do not have breastfeeding as an instant way to help soothe my daughter when she is tired, sick, grumpy, or just plain needs to connect with me. I can see, though, that my daughter is very adaptable and was ready to wean, because she has come up with her own breastfeeding substitutes. She never took a pacifier (except a “chew-chew” to chew on!) or favored a “lovey.” Now that she’s no longer nursing, she likes to feel my earlobes or stroke my cheek. It is not excessive or annoying, just a sweet gesture as she wakes up in the morning and tells me that she loves me (and loves my earlobes). She also asks, “Can I lay in your lap?” and we snuggle. Sometimes she requests a “one-finger back rub” up and down her spine as another way to relax.

If you have a child who weaned, did you notice any breastfeeding substitutes?

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

When I was pregnant with my second child, my first daughter nursed right through the pregnancy and happily tandem nursed with her new little sister. My experience this time around has been different. My 3-year-old simply is not as attached to nursing at this point. She had already cut back on nursing to about three times per day, and my milk supply dropped quickly. As my milk supply dropped, I found nursing to be more and more uncomfortable, and I found myself limiting the length (but not the frequency) of nursing sessions. Once I became pregnant, I experienced both breast tenderness and a further decrease in milk supply. Consequently, we are down to one nursing session per day, which my daughter self-limits. At this point, she mainly wants to know that she can nurse if she so desires, but when she latches on she quickly finds there’s not much milk and she’s not all that interested in nursing after all. I can see that she will soon wean altogether.

The very helpful book (should you find yourself pregnant and breastfeeding) Adventures in Tandem Nursing: Breastfeeding During Pregnancy and Beyond notes:

Reports seem to indicate that 26 percent of children self-wean during pregnancy…. Although 31 out of 57 babies, or 57 percent, of the children who were nursing at the beginning of their mothers’ pregnancies were no longer nursing by the end, the investigator specifically records that the weaning was baby-led in 15 of those 31 cases and mother-led in 16.

I guess I’d characterize our weaning as part mother-led, part child-led. At any rate, I think we’ll be among the 57 percent who are not nursing by the end of the pregnancy.

After nearly six years of continuous breastfeeding, I am looking forward to a little break. At the same time, though, I am mourning the nursing relationship and all the benefits for my child and me. Right now my three-year-old has a terrible cold and accompanying cough. If I had the milk, I’d be getting as much of the wonderful antibodies into her as possible to help her fight the cold and hopefully prevent an ear infection. As it stands, I’m worried that she’ll get even sicker. I can remember way back when my firstborn was just four months old, and a La Leche League leader with older children basically lamented, “That first illness after weaning is the worst. Your child gets more sick than usual because he’s not getting the antibodies from you. Not only that, but he doesn’t have nursing to comfort him when he’s not feeling well.” Subsequently I heard other leaders say, “Of course when you wean is up to you, but I don’t recommend it during cold and flu season!” Ah, wise women!

For more thoughts on breastfeeding “Beginnings and Endings,” read these entries in the carnival (updated throughout the day):

~ The Motherwear Breastfeeding Blog – Weaning
~ How to be a Badass Dad – The Breastfeeding Father
~ Leche Baby! – Weaning a Toddler
~ Mama Knows Breast – One Mom’s Story of Breastfeeding Challenges
~ Breastfeeding Mums – Beginnings and Endings
~ Adventures of Pip and Squeak – A Complicated Relationship
~ Nature Moms – Mama Knows Breast
~ Crunchy Domestic Goddess – Inauspicious Breastfeeding Beginnings
~ Tales of Life with a Girl on the Go – Breastfeeding Beginnings

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3

Post from: Breastfeeding 1-2-3