Ladies: Getting Pregnant Saves You from Dying in a Car Crash!

Not pregnant? Better leave those car keys at home.

Oh, internet: you never let me down. I learn so much from this wonderful tool. Of course, we all know the only tool that counts is the one that can knock you up, ladies. If you don’t want to die in a car crash, you’d better get pregnant!

In a post of searing brilliance, a doctor – yes – has compiled a list of compelling reasons abortion is dangerous for women. Only, he refers to them as “aspects”. The man has a thesaurus and he’s not afraid to use it! He explains how young women who are pregnant are less likely to get into a car crash than young women who are not pregnant (because they had abortions?). That’s right: non-pregnant young women have a 14.45/100,000 chance; but pregnant girls have only a 13.77/100,000 chance.

Stop skyrocketing car insurance rates: get a girl pregnant today.

I was a little confused about this at first; so Jesus does want us to be sluts? There are other fascinating “aspects” about the dangers of abortion. You just can’t argue with this kind of logic, and not just because you’re female. For example, Dr. Joseph explains that child abuse rates have exploded since Roe v. Wade as a direct result of all those sodden mothers feeling guilty. You see, they abuse their subsequent living children to gain a moment’s respite from the guilt. Satan is working overtime, but perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised that feeble-minded females are susceptible to the devil’s persuasions. Snaky bastard.

Dr. Joseph admonishes us young ladies to think about the consequences of an abortion. Women, if your future children even survive – not likely – they will probably be handicapped or possibly ugly because of your wicked self-indulgence. (Save the indulgence for the shoe sale, honey. And raise your expectations while you’re at it. Did you really think a piece of fruit was the best you could get? Remember, this was pre-wax, so how glossy could it have even been?)

Dr. Joseph also explains that 16 different studies prove that abortion causes things like drug and alcohol abuse…because women who have abortions are more likely to engage in said abuse. I think the obvious solution is to outlaw abortion and prosecute these murderesses. This will work to reduce abortions and improve the health of women everywhere (the reduction in car crash fatalities is really the icing on the cake).

I’m terrible with aspects, but I do like analogies. I just find them to be so gorgeously glowy. Shall we?

People in unhappy relationships break up. Break-ups are painful. Therefore, we should limit break-ups. In fact, let’s make them illegal! Studies show that when people break up, they often gain or lose unhealthy amounts of weight; they can become depressed; they may indulge in drugs or alcohol; and I just bet they get in more car crashes, too! (But not as many as not-pregnant chicks.) Moreover, the solution to the obscene rate of break-ups in this country is not be to teach people how to be self-sufficient, how to improve their self-esteem, how to assert themselves, or how to communicate healthily with others. If we talk about the problem of break-ups, we are tacitly approving of break-ups, after all. Better stick with passive-aggression and manipulation and abuse, because then we’re really taking a stand against break-ups. If we educate people and teach them how to have healthy relationships, do you know what that amounts to? That would send a clear message that in order to change reality, we must deal with reality as it really is.

Off to get pregnant, I suppose. God, there is just so much to do this week.