A Little Love for the Ladies: The Curse of the Buthigh

Jessica: nope, definitely no buthigh. Everyone loves good bunnage.

The Curse of the Buthigh afflicts many a hot mama (even Britney). Women, you know what I’m talking about. The buthigh is neither bun nor thigh. Conveniently, this bonus almost-butt is also neither pretty nor useful. But the buthigh is really good at showcasing cellulite. Which you love.

Here are seven steps to banishing your buthigh.

Note: you will have to put some work into this, because no bullsh*t cream or miracle flip flop is going to reduce fat, especially cellulite. And no amount of sculpting and toning will be visible if your muscles are covered in excess fat (this is why ab gadgets never work). And simmer down, genderites – next week we’re tackling the boys’ love handles. Eventually we’ll even get around to muffin tops. You let me know when you’re ready for that.

1. Yoga

Yoga is excellent for enhancing general sleekness, especially in your shoulders, arms, hips and buns. If you improve your strength and flexibility, your muscles will simply look better. And that’s the big myth about fatty issues like cellulite: you can’t really vaporize cellulite, because it’s genetic, but by shrinking fat cells and increasing muscle tone, you can smooth the appearance of that darned buthigh. Don’t treat the cellulite, because that’s a losing game. Treat the muscle underneath. There’s only one way to do this: exercise that incorporates some strength training. Yoga is an engaging, relaxing way to do it.

2. Pilates

If you don’t wanna get all zen, because you’re a Republican or something, try pilates instead of yoga. Pilates is like the non-workout workout. Seriously. You lie there and perform specific, repetitive movements. You do feel a burn, but it’s fun because you know it’s working. Oh yeah: 6 weeks later, you have a different body.

3. The Bar Method

A good friend of mine recently started on the Bar Method, which is like ballet bootcamp without the fussy shoes. Buthigh buwhat? The Bar Method works. Just trust me on this one.

4. Plyometrics

Squats and lunges are your friends, ladies. Here’s a reasonable beginner’s program. Jessica Biel does them, and have you seen her booty? If you’re packing some extra pounds, simply performing these toning and strengthening exercises will not eliminate flab, so you’ll have to reduce calories as well (easy: try eliminating sugary beverages and ignoring that tempting bread basket).

5. Resistance Training

Weights will not bulk you up, girls. They will help you raise your resting metabolic rate (translation: more calories burned). And strengthen your bones. And tone your muscles. And burn fat. You should be doing some kind of weight lifting – whether with free weights, weight machines or simply rearranging your living room – at least once a week.

6. Dance

I’m not talking about hitting up the club or, if you’re Paris, the tabletop. Go take some hip-hop dance lessons. Dancing is one of the best aerobic activities you can do. All that twisting and shaking will improve your flexibility, strengthen your joints, and elongate your butt and leg muscles. Buthigh, begone.

7. Sex

Sex burns calories, increases circulation and builds confidence. Technically, sex won’t eliminate your buthigh, but it will help you stay trim – and you’ll feel so happy, you won’t really worry about those pesky little bonus buns. Get busy. Your buthigh is depending on you.

Finally, take heart.

Nature hath shone her mercy upon you. Men possess shoddy flaw radar, especially when it comes to your buthigh. Men are just hardwired to think women are generally attractive. Awful, I know. Adding to the fun, women are hardwired for just the opposite.

(Mother nature’s setup has also resulted in this endless conversation between girl and boy. Girl: “How can you possibly think she is hot? Just look at that left earlobe!” Boy: “Huh?”)

If you don’t point out your flaws, your dude is not likely to notice. According to some reports, men’s eyeballs notice depth and overall shape, while women are a little better at noticing things like detail and color. So stop enlightening him, scrumptious, and just relax with your bad booty already. The buthigh is annoying, but not nearly so much as whining about it. Besides, now you know how to maintain a clear delineation.