How to Get Over a Broken Heart
August 16, 2007 by Sara Ost
Filed under Boys & Girls, How To, Misc., Philosophy, Relationships, Stress
It doesn’t take a genius to ascertain that I keep a smart-ass establishment (drugs and horoscopes much?). But we all know that underneath the big, bad edge, smart-asses are really the most tender nibblins of all. So here’s a little love for everyone who has the courage to live, but most especially a couple of my bruised peeps – you know who you are. For everyone else, don’t worry – we’ll get back to the sardonic escapades in two shakes of Molly McButter.
Broken heart? Rejection? Failure? It hurts (and hurts, and hurts).
Here’s how to properly lick your wounds:
1. Take heart: you will not die.
Even though it really, really feels like it. Even though you can feel your heart physically swelling in your chest and pain pulsing through your entire body and your ribs are sticking to your sides like macaroni on a microwave – you will not die from this. It might mess up your mental and physical health a little in the short term (you’re allowed to eat some carbs, for Pete’s sake). But you will not die. It still hurts, though.
2. At least it’s a good hurt.
Vera Pavlova wrote:
“If there is something to desire,
there will be something to regret.
If there is something to regret,
there will be something to recall.
If there is something to recall,
there was nothing to regret.
If there was nothing to regret,
there was nothing to desire.”
3. Give yourself as much time as you need.
A lot of the angst of moving on comes from self-judgments about when and how and why you should move on and what you did wrong. Don’t compare yourself to others. You’re not nuts; you’re not strange; you’re not obsessed; you’re not a fool. Your big crime is innocence. The only sin you can possibly commit is doubting yourself. You’re just human and you felt something. At the time, whenever that was, it felt right. Accept that your feelings are your feelings and let them be (to paraphrase Marcus Aurelius). Feelings are hard to feel and even harder to understand. They’ll pass when the time is right and not a moment sooner.
4. Things simply are what they are.
And now they are different. They cannot be any other way. Life is a series of moments and all you really have to do in this life is accept them. No one expects anything more; and believe me, no one upstairs does, either. Sometimes those moments turn into chapters, but ultimately even the chapters conclude.
5. Treat yourself right.
Try to get out as much as you can (but don’t force yourself to jump into something new or go out partying every night). Talk to your friends, even if all you can squeak out is “it’s another rough one today”. Don’t worry about annoying them – even if you do, they are the ones who really know you and they will still love you. You can’t fool them anyway – even if you don’t say anything, they know.
6. Exercise.
A daily bout of exercise – walking, running, lifting weights, dancing, the elliptical, yoga – will help your brain both regulate and release your feel-good hormones. A bonded relationship causes your brain to release oxytocin, a powerful “commitment” peptide. When it goes away you can become depressed. So let those other helpful hormones fill in the void. Exercise!
7. Eat a lot of fat.
Beneficial fatty acids in things like olive oil, nuts, avocados and salmon will baby your brain and help keep your mood stable. Eat some at every meal from here on out.
8. Spoil yourself (but not too much).
Buy your favorite beer, enjoy an entire pint of ice cream. But don’t go overboard – you’ll just end up feeling worse. There’s no hard-and-fast rule for when you’re about to cross the line. I think you’ll know your limit if you listen to your instincts. In fact, I believe our instincts will never, ever let us down, if only we would pay them heed. (And remember, if you cross your line, that’s okay. Mistakes are not bad, they are learning, and that is what life is all about, right?)
9. This too shall pass.
I know – I know – it doesn’t feel that way right now, but the pain will pass. Reality bites and life will give your heart a ruthless pruning, but you’ll grow back even fuller. You might miss a season or two – no worries, so did the damaged peach tree I watched my grandmother coax for 10 patient years. The fruit it finally bore was the best slice of sweet imaginable. That memory has always comforted me; find one that comforts you.
10. Now is not the time to begin training for a marathon, overhauling your investments, or perfecting your GTD system.
Initial small accomplishments can give you a bump, but if you’re using them to avoid feeling the hurt, that hurt will just come back with a wallop (I don’t know about you but I’m an expert at this one). Do make positive changes and invest yourself in projects that are both distracting and productive, because these things will help you move on with greater confidence. I’m glad I read my RSS feeds today, because one of my favorite bloggers posted this positive guide to dealing with setbacks. But just remember that as you take positive actions, don’t try to repress those feelings. Feelings always come out eventually.
Although, when they do…that’s good, too. Have a good, long lick and remember: everybody plans picnics in the park. Everybody carries a private hurt (or hundred). Good for you for feeling something and taking a risk. That’s called living and all we can do is our best in each moment. There is no right or wrong; there is no should. There is only real.
You might feel sad and hurt, but guess what?
I think you fucking rock.
I’m just a twentysomethin’ blogger and I don’t have the answers, but I do know that.
Hello,so i want to thank whoever wrote those tips on how to get over a broken heart. I have never told my story of heartbreak cuz i am afraid. but i am dont being scared so here it goes.I am girl who fell in love with a girl. I never been attracted to the opposite sex but it just happened. We kept our love a secret for 2 and a half years. Nobody knew that we were together, no one. She was my first love and i was hers too. I do not understand how we went that long with hiding our love, but we did. We were crazy in love and we broke up about 2 or three months ago. I cant even remember, but the pain I can. The relationship was so unhealthy cuz we kept everything a secret. When i wanted to talk to her about something i couldnt cuz friends were around..we could never show affection like we wanted to, we lied consistenly, it was just bad and turned really unhealthy. She also left me twice but like an idiot i came back to her. What sucks is that i know if we were in a normal relationship, we would probably be so happpy. I mean who does that for that long? I think that kind of love is so rare and we both gave up so much for eachother and went through soo much just to have moments together. My heart is healing, but there are those nights where i am just heartbroken. I still love her with all my heart but she does not appreciate or want me in her life right now. I really don’t want her in mine either because it is just too much pain. But i try to keep myself busy and recently am talking to a guy who just is very sweet. I just cant fully let go, and i want to sooo bad. How do i know when i fully just let go..i am scared. Will i ever get over this?
I fell in love with a girl too, my best friend. and she loved me too or so she said, things didn’t work out wityh us either because she couldnt take that i was a girl. Our secret didn’t really stay secret so it didn’t last long. The last time we were together was january and now i barely see her, i know she sleeps around now though and it breaks my heart all the time. I think the only way to get over it is to cut them off slowly. I wish i knew if i’d ever get over it, but at least you aint alone x
you know what you are?
an absolute star.
boyfriend and best friend of 9 months broke up with me, and told me he no longer loves me or has feelings for me , and has very much ‘moved on’ to other girls about 20 seconds after we broke up.
i have cried a river , been histerical , thrown up and not slept.
but i no longer have the energy for him anymore. yes i will most probably cry again , but from now on..i do not need him.
I fell in love with a girl. I finally told her, and she told me back… 2 months later she broke up with me because her friends kept telling her we were to young.
We talked bout it and worked things out.
Six months went by… I was so in love with her. We couldn’t kiss, we couldn’t date, but it didn’t matter I hadn’t fallen in love with her because of physical things.
But one day she started ignoring me. Treating me different.
And then i hear from a friend that she sent emails out saying she was breaking up with me.
So i called her to ask about it.
The next thing i know her dad is breaking up 4 her on the phone.
I was finally able to talk to her in person about it and she told me she had just been going along with things ever since the last breakup 6 months earlier.
She told me she was going to meet a lot of “people” going to her new school.
I’ve never been the same person since then. I still love her and i always will. I just hate how much it hurts… To have someone say they love you and then tell you it was a lie is something else. It makes you feel worthless and unwanted. There’s still a part of me that dosn’t believe that she was just going a long with things. All my memories burn me inside. Every moment that i can remember cuts me open. 6 months of memories… lies. 2 1/2 years gone.
I am a 17 year old guy and those of you who say guys don’t cry are liars. I have cried my eyes out over a girl just a couple months ago. She was the 7th rejection in the past 3 years. I know I am not the best guy, but I wish someone would throw me a freaking bone. The only way to really cope with any sort of heartbreak I’d to just letting time take care of it. You can’t force a better feeling if you try. When you look at the girl/guy you really like it all comes rushing back to you, the bad feelings you wish would go away come back involuntarily. It’s mixed feelings of regret, jealousy, envy and every other feeling that makes you want to curl up in a corner. But trust me, as time goes on, you will eventually let go of that person, but you will always have a place where you keep thoughts of them. I have had a lot of tough luck, but it doesn’t mean I am going to give up. I am gonna keep on going, and everyone else should too. It hurts like crap, it feels like the air is getting sucked away from you, that the ground won’t stop shaking, your muscles feel weak and you can’t do anything except cry. But trust me, there are thousands of others, such as myself, that are going through the same heartbreak. Just keep your head up and keep pressing on and you will find that that will make it much easier…everything will be fine…
hey guys.. i am guy who is hearbroken… i was with this gril from my work place and we started being freinds and talking about our first love… we both had a heart broken from our first love… after a while we became bestfreinds… than we started haveing feelings and go out and we were together… we got in a lot of fights…arguing…and break ups.. but we gave each other many chances… and she hurt me i hurt her, she made me cry i made her cry… but in the end i always cared for her… and i always loved her… like i had this moving on feelings between the break ups but than we used to get back again… but the last break we had was 2 months ago and i didnt contact her and she didnt eatiher and after that two months she wanted to see me cuz she wanted her itouch back that she got it for my birthday… and i was like so happy i thought she wanted to get back and she wanted to see me.. and me being a fool going there so happy and all and she takes the itouch and tells me not to fucking touch her… and that she has no feelings for me its all gone… i didnt tkae her seriously and i was like ok w/e and i we used to just talk on msn and fb and phone… after a week she tells me she is planing on going out with this guy at her workplace… the guy asked her out and with out thinking she said yes… she told me this all over msn and when i heard that… oh man i just freaked out… i just couldnt beliave it… she was like a goody good giel and a very sweet and nice… and all and so inocent… and now she has cahnged so much… she doesnt care anymore.. she doesnt love me anymore… she has moved on and the old her is dead and gone… and i went to her house being a stalker and cryed in front of her and begged her not to go out with anyone and please take me back i am sorry for all the mistakes i have done… but she looks at me and loughs and tells me to stop this and fucking accept it and deal with it… she says she is done with it with me with everything…
when i heard everything and all all those harsh words that she said that i couldnt even expect her saying things like that… it just broke my heart… i went home and cryed for like 3 hours… i am guy.. 19 years old.. i hate myslef for how i feel… feel petatic and low and foolish but i cant help it… the pain is too much to handle.. and its killing me… its hurting more than anything…
i dont how long is this gonna last… i dont know to get over her… i dont know how to deal with her going out with other guys that just ask her out and she says yes right away with out thinking… i dont know what to do… i hate everything at this time of my life… i dont feel like doing anything… i dont feel like going to wrok… i dont feel like hanging out with my freinds.. i dont feel like going home… i just wana dessapear and go some where and cry…cry as much as i can and leav all the pain and hurt feelings there and come back…i dont know how to deal with all this…
i know there are many tips like this for heartbroken people but do they really help? will this pain go away…? will this feelings go away and will i ever smile again and be happy ? will i ever move on…?
right now to me it seem imposable…
why is world like this? why do people change… i am still the same… i still have the same feelings…
sorry guys for my long sad story… just need to let it out and share it with someone…