How to Get Over a Broken Heart
August 16, 2007 by Sara Ost
Filed under Boys & Girls, How To, Misc., Philosophy, Relationships, Stress
It doesn’t take a genius to ascertain that I keep a smart-ass establishment (drugs and horoscopes much?). But we all know that underneath the big, bad edge, smart-asses are really the most tender nibblins of all. So here’s a little love for everyone who has the courage to live, but most especially a couple of my bruised peeps – you know who you are. For everyone else, don’t worry – we’ll get back to the sardonic escapades in two shakes of Molly McButter.
Broken heart? Rejection? Failure? It hurts (and hurts, and hurts).
Here’s how to properly lick your wounds:
1. Take heart: you will not die.
Even though it really, really feels like it. Even though you can feel your heart physically swelling in your chest and pain pulsing through your entire body and your ribs are sticking to your sides like macaroni on a microwave – you will not die from this. It might mess up your mental and physical health a little in the short term (you’re allowed to eat some carbs, for Pete’s sake). But you will not die. It still hurts, though.
2. At least it’s a good hurt.
Vera Pavlova wrote:
“If there is something to desire,
there will be something to regret.
If there is something to regret,
there will be something to recall.
If there is something to recall,
there was nothing to regret.
If there was nothing to regret,
there was nothing to desire.”
3. Give yourself as much time as you need.
A lot of the angst of moving on comes from self-judgments about when and how and why you should move on and what you did wrong. Don’t compare yourself to others. You’re not nuts; you’re not strange; you’re not obsessed; you’re not a fool. Your big crime is innocence. The only sin you can possibly commit is doubting yourself. You’re just human and you felt something. At the time, whenever that was, it felt right. Accept that your feelings are your feelings and let them be (to paraphrase Marcus Aurelius). Feelings are hard to feel and even harder to understand. They’ll pass when the time is right and not a moment sooner.
4. Things simply are what they are.
And now they are different. They cannot be any other way. Life is a series of moments and all you really have to do in this life is accept them. No one expects anything more; and believe me, no one upstairs does, either. Sometimes those moments turn into chapters, but ultimately even the chapters conclude.
5. Treat yourself right.
Try to get out as much as you can (but don’t force yourself to jump into something new or go out partying every night). Talk to your friends, even if all you can squeak out is “it’s another rough one today”. Don’t worry about annoying them – even if you do, they are the ones who really know you and they will still love you. You can’t fool them anyway – even if you don’t say anything, they know.
6. Exercise.
A daily bout of exercise – walking, running, lifting weights, dancing, the elliptical, yoga – will help your brain both regulate and release your feel-good hormones. A bonded relationship causes your brain to release oxytocin, a powerful “commitment” peptide. When it goes away you can become depressed. So let those other helpful hormones fill in the void. Exercise!
7. Eat a lot of fat.
Beneficial fatty acids in things like olive oil, nuts, avocados and salmon will baby your brain and help keep your mood stable. Eat some at every meal from here on out.
8. Spoil yourself (but not too much).
Buy your favorite beer, enjoy an entire pint of ice cream. But don’t go overboard – you’ll just end up feeling worse. There’s no hard-and-fast rule for when you’re about to cross the line. I think you’ll know your limit if you listen to your instincts. In fact, I believe our instincts will never, ever let us down, if only we would pay them heed. (And remember, if you cross your line, that’s okay. Mistakes are not bad, they are learning, and that is what life is all about, right?)
9. This too shall pass.
I know – I know – it doesn’t feel that way right now, but the pain will pass. Reality bites and life will give your heart a ruthless pruning, but you’ll grow back even fuller. You might miss a season or two – no worries, so did the damaged peach tree I watched my grandmother coax for 10 patient years. The fruit it finally bore was the best slice of sweet imaginable. That memory has always comforted me; find one that comforts you.
10. Now is not the time to begin training for a marathon, overhauling your investments, or perfecting your GTD system.
Initial small accomplishments can give you a bump, but if you’re using them to avoid feeling the hurt, that hurt will just come back with a wallop (I don’t know about you but I’m an expert at this one). Do make positive changes and invest yourself in projects that are both distracting and productive, because these things will help you move on with greater confidence. I’m glad I read my RSS feeds today, because one of my favorite bloggers posted this positive guide to dealing with setbacks. But just remember that as you take positive actions, don’t try to repress those feelings. Feelings always come out eventually.
Although, when they do…that’s good, too. Have a good, long lick and remember: everybody plans picnics in the park. Everybody carries a private hurt (or hundred). Good for you for feeling something and taking a risk. That’s called living and all we can do is our best in each moment. There is no right or wrong; there is no should. There is only real.
You might feel sad and hurt, but guess what?
I think you fucking rock.
I’m just a twentysomethin’ blogger and I don’t have the answers, but I do know that.
This blog was amazing.
I am currently on day 3 of my break up, broken heart.
And, I’m finally getting out of the house and seeing some friends.
I know I will get over this.
But, sometimes I just need to hear or read over and over again that it will be okay.
I believe in myself because this is not the first time.
Thank you for your funny comments and inspiration.
im only 21 and i was seeing this guy for 4 years. we broke up and i feel so lost without him. every little thing reminds me of him. i dont know what to do anymore.
The thing that helps me out the most is thinking of all the bad things my x did to me, to stay busy, and get out of the house. Im sure you probaly heard of that already.
Kayla,
I hate the verbiage “stay strong” because those that say it don’t realize how hard it is to actually do. “Stay positive”, yup another one that is hard to do when you’re sad. I can tell you that it’s been a week and a half since my break up and I feel a whole lot better. I can feel the sadness in my heart still, but I’m not crying anymore. There’s only 2 things that can happen from here. You’ll either get back together or not. You may get back together, you never now. In the meantime, nothing good is coming from you being sad and it will pass. If you don’t get back together, then there will be someone else for you. Your heart will heal and in time you’ll forget about this because your heart will be full of love for someone new.
I’ve been through both scenarios. Me and my ex broke up and I would be sooo sad, like I was going to die! My heart felt so much physical pain and my stomach hurt and I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t stop thinking of him. But then we ended up getting back together. Now, after so many times of breaking up and getting back together I guess it’s gotten a little easier.
Before I met my recent ex, I had been so smitten by this other guy that I even told my recent ex that I didn’t want to lead him on. That I had feelings for someone else and that I didn’t think I had room in my heart to gain feelings for him. I was still sad and pining over the other guy. But low and behold with some time, I totally forgot over the guy that I had been pining over. I fell in love with this guy. I was over the other guy. I gave my new love all of my heart (which I highly don’t recommend), but it’s hard to not let go and give all of your heart, isn’t it? My heart was filled with love for him. I no longer had any feelings for the first guy.
The moral of the story is. You don’t know yet if this break-up is for good, until then your tears may be falling in vain. And if it is over, I promise if you let yourself move on, you will get over him and love again.
I wish you Good Luck & Lots of love Kayla.
Smile, it will get better and it will get easier.
thank you for your advice! as days go on im learning that its not the end of the world. im having fun being young and 21. i dont need a man right now. i dont think ill be giving my heart away anytime soon. thanks again!
Heart break is the worst feeling in the world. And no one even begins to understand it until they’ve felt it.
When I broke up with my ex i suffered severe anxiety and depression. anything that reminded me of him, or our song would come on and i would literally have a panic attack.
During this time, i had only myself to talk to, i couldn’t talk to my family or friends because of circumstances.
I wouldn’t sleep, Eat, talk to my friends at school, I was totally in a dark hole. I was crushed, and so alone. reading this had bought a bit of hope back in my mind, and it reassures me that hopefully its will pass, even though its taking its sweet ass time. (nine months)
And the guy was a jerk in the first place. When my friends ask why i love him, i honestly cannot answer. someone please help
And to kayla, i wish you all the best, you’ve already shown so much more strength that i could ever grasp.
I’m sure one day you will find the right one. after all, it sounds like you deserve only the very best.
muchlove.
Jess,
I know some times it’s hard to talk to friends that haven’t been through what you’re going through or and don’t know exactly how you feel. I just wanted to check on you and see how you were holding up. I hope things are better for you now.
Follow your heart and be completely honest with yourself and others you are emotionally invested with!!
This letter is being written on the day that you told me with a firm tone that you would never get back together with me ever again. I am writing this letter not to change your decision that you have made or to persuade you to get back together with me. The intent of this letter is to let you know that I have always loved and cared about you from day one. There is not one day that I did not feel the reverse. Every reason and explanation that you attempt to reaffirm in your mind as the cause of us breaking up, was merely doubts in my mind that you do not feel the same for me. I made immature and rash mistakes on leaving you those multiple nights; however, these mistakes are what I have to live with for the rest of my life.
I wish I could go back and live all of winter season again, this was the most happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I cannot see myself being anymore happier than spending time with you, like during the winter season. Drinking Mexican hot chocolate, to making pancakes in the morning from a long night of movies on Hulu, these moments I can never return to, but I so desperately want to relive and cherish.
These good moments make me reflect to what the future could have possibly held. I will never forget the first date you took me on, Laughing Planet than Sweet Life. I will never forget this moment. Another was in the swimming pool at the beach. I had told myself that I wanted to marry you and that you were the girl of my dreams; I wish that I would have expressed this to you when you still had feelings for me. I cannot take it that my life story is turning into a nightmare, a horror story.
I do not know where to turn to now. I made numerous life decisions; such as, location of my full time job, to be close to you. I made a decision on which career to pursue with you, as you brought out the best of me to attain this pursuit. You brought happiness and success into my life. Now I have lost happiness, success, and my best friend.
The only thing that I want in my pitiful life is not my dignity, or reputation, as this makes clearly no sense in writing this letter. The one thing in my life that I want is you. Although, you have told me repeatedly that you do not want me back, and that you are ready to move on. I, as well, can move on, but I do not want to move on because I know down the road I will self-reflect and see what a disaster I was. I had a chance, an opportunity, with the girl of my dreams and I blew it!
What do I do?
Wow..
You’re welcome Kayla, I’m glad you’re feeling better. You do have the world ahead of you. Enjoy being 21.
Imagine this scenario: what if you were tied down and you were ok with it because you thought it would work out. Then 5yrs down the line he turns out not to be the one and there go 5yrs of your youth being 21 and not living it up.. for nothing. That would suck. Cuz now you’d be 27 trying to hang out with 21 year olds.. let’s just say it wouldn’t be the same.
Haha.. life’s funny sometimes.
So enjoy being 21
Those were like the funnest times ever for me. Having different guys trying to talk to you when you’re single is the best self-esteem booster! Get out there, smile, laugh, be confident, and enjoy life!
I’m new to this and never blogged before but my girl is telling me that she needs time to care for herself. What do I say or do. Please any advice
If your girl want her space, give it to her. It will give her time to reflect on the good times you shared. The more you pester her, the more she will hate you. Give yourself the gift of her missing you. The more you would question her, and push her against her invisible wall, the more she will defend her space. Give her the space she needs if you want to keep her. Just sit and wait. That’s the hardest part. Imagine that if you call her up and keep putting tabs on her,…she will roll her eyes and consider you a pest she needs to get rid of. Don’t do it if you want to keep her! If she doesn’t get in touch with you, then She’s not that into you. Why force yourself on someone who doesn’t want to be with you. It’s not worth it.
I am know what u maen. I have been with my wife for 9 years with two girls. She left me a a other guy that was only 18, she is 25 and i am 27 so u can see how this hunt me me (a lot). But when I go to town I see places we have been at before and that i think og the good time it is ever hareder when I am with the girls and know that we all were there before. But I look at it like this now that i know that GOD only give us what we can only handly and that it my seem like it is to much at the time. That I do have the best of her and that my girls. I don’t think you have kids but think of what was the best think that you have and that is you. It will all ways be you. Only you have the power to move on and that what it going to take. The port above is real good to follow. God give us signs and we just have to look and listen to them. “GO KAYLA, YOU CAN DO IT”
I’m only 23 and feel the same me and my girlfriend moved to ireland from england 4 years ago and she went home for a holliday and came back and said she was goin back for good everything i do or see just reminds me of her i know what your goin through just set your mind to something you’ve been wanting to achieve for a while
Great blog.
I still feel I’ll never get over it though.
It’s been a month…wow. I can’t stop thinking back to all the good times, before he broke my heart…it makes me cry a lot.
Well, still, great blog. I’ll try to take that advice.
I cant stop thinking about my x and its been 2 months of torture. She was playing games for 2 months, like still calling and telling me she still loves me. Now that my 4 year relationship is over I cant stop thinking of her its crazy.
I’m sorry to hear that Mike. I guess guys get hurt too. Most often it’s the good ones that do because their hearts are genuine. 4 years is a long time to have someone in your life and it’s normal to feel an emptiness due to the absence of her. But it will get better. There’s someone out there for you that probably would give you the world and all of her heart. So keep that genuine heart of yours, the right girl will treasure it and you.
i dated a girl for nearly two months and i really started to care for her and have feelings for her. right after our first date she decided she didnt want to be in a relationship and that she was scared of “comittment”. i was infuriated and hurt because i told her that was what i was looking for and i felt like she led me on only to drag me down into the pits of heart ache. she couldve told me how she felt before our date, she was cuddling me and she let me kiss her. it felt so good, so right, then she completely goes into left field and breaks my heart. she doesnt seem to care either. i know no she is not what i need and she is going to miss and need me more than i will need her in the near future. i know she will because i have had guys try to come back into my life after we broke up and i dont think she is any different. i will move on because i know i was good to her… TOO good to her and that somebody out there will love me for me and accept how affectionate and passionate i am. i deserve better than what she had to give me, and i do think she is gonna regret not treating me well and doing what she did. she was a complete jerk to me for no reason. it still hurts tho because its draining to care for someone and they dont return the favor. i will prevail i know i will. i just have to keep pushing myself to be a better person and learn from this. besides, i love women too much to leave them alone now lol
im in 6th grade and my bf told me not to tell anyone about us or we’re through so i didnt tell anyone and he thinks that i told my friend michelle but i never tell her anything and i think he hates me! </3
Jackie,
Life’s short. Spend it happy.
Your boyfriend shouldn’t be the one hating you. You should be hating him.. or at least kicking him to the curb for not acknowledging you or your relationship. Why would he want to hide your relationship or you if he cared about you? This should be a red flag for you. Drop him and find someone that not only tells people that he’s your boyfriend, but he also wants to scream at the top of a rooftop how much he likes you!
Haha.. and don’t be deceived by my profile name. I don’t feel like that anymore. My heart is still a little broken-hearted, but I’ve been through it before and I now it will pass.. It’s like my trademark profile name now though.. Haha..
well the guy i loved just kissed another girl in my face and hes not a jerk but he did feels like my heart was ripped out in two seconds help
oh m g… i am 18 i went out wit a guy for over a yr n he broke up wut me a couple months ago… i was sooo hurt i love da guy to death even to this date i cant rip him off my heart… no matter what i do to keep him away his essence is just in me. i think of him at all times n wherever i go it reminds me of him. every memory i have he is in so its just so hard for me i truely awknowledge wat you said but dang its just so effin hard,,, u just wish sometimes this can be alot easier… but readin things like this truely helps thanks
I have this saved to my favorites…I thought he was the one, finally a guy who made me really happy, who treated me the way I was suppose to be treated, who filled me with such joy…it was amazing…he was amazing. Until he sent me and email…yes you read that correctly, an email telling me he couldn’t see me anymore….no other real explanation, refused to speak to me about it…just cut me off completely…even deleted me from facebook….wtf….all joking aside I was and to some degree still am devastated. I really liked him a lot.
Then I found this sight, yes I was actually googling how to mend a broken heart…I have read it repeatedly and each time I feel a little stronger and a little smarter.
I have a big chart hanging in my hall way of all the things I dislike about Shawn…from his arrogance to his Balls of Glory kickball team….lol…each time I think of something, I add it to the list….maybe he wasn’t who I thought he was after all….
My heart still aches and I still miss having him to do things with, to cuddle with, to walk my dog…but maybe it isn’t him I miss, but the idea of “him”…he could be anyone. I know at some point my “him” will come… until then, I will continue to turn the page because I fucking rock!
Good for you to realize that he isn’t what you thought he was!
Some people can’t even get to that point and is stuck being all heart broken. I’m very proud of you that u keep a chart. And you did it all by yourself. Have you ever thought about writing a journal? If you don’t have the energy to write in a journal, tape record yourself when you are feeling down. Then, in a week listen to it. You will find that you will laugh at yourself that you actually sound very pathetic for feeling the way you did. Then, you will pat yourself in the back that you’re getting stronger each week…. I actually tape recorded myself crying and let it all out on the tape recorder. I listened to it a week later and started busting up. I was so pathetic! It made me smile that I got better. It’s a sense of accomplishment. Every time I cry, I tape record myself. Cause, it was funny afterwards. At least, he’s not the one laughing at you…. Don’t let him get the best of you.
after a short time of seeing a boy he asked me out one night and i declined his offer because i wasn’t in the correct state of mind for a relationship at that time due to family issues and i barely knew the guy. About a month later i asked him out and we had a perfect relationship, i ended up losing my virginity to this boy and i had never cared about anyone in the world more, i’d been in a relationship w/ many guys but no one like this, we had every simularity in the world, from our summer vacation spots, to the 1 mile radius our grandparents live apart from each other in southern California. we dated for around 5 months till one day i confronted him about acting weird. I had to tear it out of him and after about 30 minutes of him changing the subject he finally admitted that he felt we needed a break over school summer vacation. he admitted that he was getting kinda bored of the same person and didn’t really see the relationship going anywhere. he also said there was lots of pressure on him due to his basketball obsessed father always forcing him to play. and because his best friend that had to move to Washington was going to live with him over the summer and he wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. i told him that i honestly couldn’t do “a break” because i loved him and i wasn’t gonna just let him mess around w/ other girls over the summer. he said he still loved me and didn’t want to lose me in his life and still wanted to be friends. so we said our goodbye’s and i left his house. the next day after school we got back together but i knew it wasn’t going to be a piece of cake. he was completely ignoring me the next day at school and i felt like my heart was dieing all over again, just slower. the day after (saturday, 1st day of summer) i invited him and his friend to the movies w/me and my friend over text message on my friends cell phone wen he texted…. “we need to break up, i should of never gotten back 2gether w/you, i don’t love you as much as i used to, your an amazing girl but i think…” i begged to talk to him in person about it but he refused and said he’d call me later that night. He never called and i bawled more than i have in my entire life. we were supposed to go on 2 vacations over the summer time that both consisted of a 10 day period. Sex wasn’t even sex with him and i know it sounds like a cletshay (dunno how to spell that) but it was making love and helped fill the feeling of not being able to get close enough to one another. i can’t do one thing without being reminded of him. and now i’m not looking forward to missing his vacation or going on mine. i’m super sensitive to any upsetting subject now just due to depression continuing to build inside of me. i finally lost my patience and called him a week after the break up. the fact that he still wanted to be friends, not want to lose me in his life, and still hang out just not as much, isn’t supposed to be like never contacting the person as if they never existed. he actually answered and we had a decent conversation. i made him laugh and he did i. there wasn’t really any negativity towards one another. i found out he lost 8 pounds and that he was DECENT when it came to “how have you been”. however i ran into one of my alcoholic father’s old friend the next day and almost lost all emotional control. it really was a weird experience and ruined my whole day by shaking me up talking about my parent’s marriage problems and repetitively asking how i REALLY was. i needed someone to talk to and my ex was the only one that came to mind that i had any desire to talk to. i talked to his brother that i am still aquaintances with and asked if my ex was home. … he said he was just laying on the couch in the other room. i called him but he didn’t pick up… and now my life is as miserable as before. i cry every time i talk about my situation out loud and i’m sick of it. how do i speed up my misery? i’m desperate and i can’t sleep. i need natural supplements to fall asleep and wen i do my dreams are nothing but alternative ways my ex could’ve rejected me or of us getting back together. and then when i wake up my pillow is just wet from unconscious tears. i’m begging for help, please i’m willing to try any advise.
im so sorry to hear that you are feeling like that. I know how it feels. its breaking my heart even reading ur story. I am in the same situation. I hope you are ok.
Louise,
You gave him your heart and he crushed it. You trusted him to lose your virginity to and now you can’t get that back. It’s ok to feel sad and hurt. But you have to think that it’s not fair to you to be so sad when he’s not over there feeling like that. Like his brother told you, he was just “laying on the couch in the other room”. So don’t give him control of your emotions, please. Give yourself back control of your emotions.
I have 2 kids and their father (same dad for both kids) was my first. When we broke up I thought I would die. I had broken up for him because even in my youth I knew I deserved better. I was right. Now I have no feelings for him whatsoever.
Lol. I remember since he had been my only one and I’m the faithful type, just thinking of “being with” someone else in that way, made my stomach sick.
haha.. But, that will pass too. I’m sure you’re young and you still have life to live. When you are with someone else that “makes love to you” and makes you feel so great that you can’t stop smiling. That will be the best way to laugh at your ex for taking you for granted and losing the best thing he could have had. So cheer up girl. There’s still plenty of fish out there. Go fishing! Enjoy your catch and “be safe”
so this morning my fiance’ and i broke up.by 1:30 pm we were looking at a new place..he left at 3pm and now its 8pm..thing is we figured we would try to work things out.he is with his buddies.i guess thats how he tries to work things out. a little history we have been together for 3 years lived together for almost 3 years.we have been through everything..he changed he is miserable and i have done wrong to. but all of it was due to what he has done. i love him.i am confused and its a hard bite to swallow to know that deep down he just doesnt give a shit anymore..
Your blog is exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you.
My partner has ended our 8+ year relationship. I knew we had problems, but I always thought that we would make it. I’ve been racking my brain, trying to remember things that I could’ve done to ruin this. And then, months later, I find out that even though we had problems, my partner had given up long ago….and was toying with the idea of getting back with an ex.
And as I’m typing this now, I have tears rolling down my cheeks. Because more than anything, we have something special, and I still want to work thru this.
It always amazes me how many times I’ll say, “I just want us to work.” My boyfriend and I were together (and living together)for 3 years. He was my true first love. We moved to a new city together… I thought we would have forever. We both made a lot of mistakes, and I feel now that I didn’t really know how to truly be in a relationship. After 3 years and many fights, he told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore. Pain. Total pain and heartbreak. Moved out of our apartment… still in contact with him all the time. He found someone else, tore me up inside. The pain, the pain… stopped by my work all the time. Almost a year later, I was finally tired of it. Stopped calling him… he started calling me. I ignored it for awhile, thought I was falling for someone new (who turned out to be a jackass). Finally, one day, I answered Shawn’s call. Within 2 weeks we were back together, and it seemed like the most romantic thing that had ever happened. 5 months later, it was over again. This time, the pain was even worse. I became suicidal and depressed, he said he was going to try to quit drinking and really start focusing on his life and music. He said he didn’t want or need anything from me anymore. We had both changed a lot in the year we weren’t together, and neither of us were really ready for the relationship that we jumped into again. He was still scared and resentful and not totally ready to open up his heart. I was scared and insecure and needy and overly emotional. It’s been a month and a half since we last talked. Yesterday I sent him a text, just saying I missed him, and I hope he’s well… that I’m doing well, and I still love him. And he never responded. I’m not sure why, since I AM doing well, I allowed a weepy week to push me to contacting him. Everything’s been said between us, what do I really expect is going to come of it?
And this is my real comment… of course you have something special. None of us would choose to give our hearts and our lives to these people if it wasn’t for the fact that love is special and wonderful. Building a life with someone is magic. And it leaves you lost and abandoned when it ends. Your brain is chaotic, your body wants stillness, your lungs can’t get enough air… there’s nothing worse than loss and the accompanying fear.
But working through something will happen if it is meant to be. In the meantime, all you have is YOU now. You need to make YOU the strongest you can be to get through this… and to ever be able to work at a relationship again… whether your former partner or someone new. I don’t want anyone new… I want Shawn! Why can’t the world see this? We’re supposed to be together! He’s the love of my life! If I had just done this… If I’d acted this way… I wish I did that… He’d still want to be with me if…
There’s no room to succumb to that right now. You need to heal. You need to be sad, but you need to think of you. And, I’ll honestly say, you need to cut off all contact with that person. Contact keeps you in that place, and you can’t begin to move forward until you leave it. And leaving it seems like the scariest thing, because it’s the first stage in accepting that the relationship is over. And who wants to do that when you don’t WANT the relationship to be over? But the reality is, it IS over. At least for right now.
Be kind to yourself, do things that will distract you. Trust me, it doesn’t distract you at first, it feels so phony. But eventually, if you keep doing it, day after day after day, you start to realize that you’re not forcing it anymore… You’re just simply doing and living, and it’s not in the context of that other person. We’ll all have bad weeks, and sad days, and weak moments, and times when we retreat with a chaotic brain, and a still body, and an aching chest. Shit, writing this now, I’m sitting at work with tissues and red eyes. But it wasn’t like this last week… hopefully this will pass by next week. Ride the ebb and flow, and realize that you’re exactly where you should be. Life will work itself out. It has to. That’s the way life works.
Love to you. Realize that the love from family and friends is important, valuable love. Spend sometime letting them love you, and allow yourself to let THEM become the people you shower with your affection. And don’t forget to give it to yourself, too.
I randomly googled how to get over a heartbreak and I came across this blog… not expecting to read anything I could remotely relate to. However what you have written hits me right in the heart. I have had a dysfunctional on and off again 6 year relationship with a guy who was my first love. We started dating as teenagers and now I am 24. This is the guy that I devoted all of my time and energy to… I tried to make it work. I forgave things I should have never forgiven, and I lowered my standards and expectations for love because HE was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. However it takes 2 people to want to make something work… and I am tired. Tired of the lies, the fighting, his immaturity.. Tired of it all. I decided to let it go but it hurts so deeply. The worst part of it all is finding something to distract you from the pain… I hate that everyone around me seems to have found happiness and I am miserable. I hate that he is over me and I am not. I know that I deserve better. I know that I did all I could… but I can’t forget. Only time will tell what happens. Only time will help me forget.
Ive never been inlove before, and i had the biggest crush on this guy at school. i was 15 at the time and totaly crazy about him. we stayed friends for 3 months and i relized i loved him and he loved me. so we started dateing. we stayed on the phone everyday and saw eachother every weekend. after about 3 months of us dating, he asked me to marry him. ive never been happier in my life. so we decide to move intogether when school got out this summer. im now sixteen and his seveteen. about 5 days ago his parents told him he was not allowed to see me anymore or contact me. and right before they told him that we got in a fight and i told him i waznted to end it…so he didnt contact me in 2 days and i thought that was weird. so i got my dad to call his dad and thats when i found out. i was soo heart broken i threw up and went into a panick attack..no joke. so i went to his church that sunday and i cried and begged his mom to let me talk to him and she did. he told me i really broke his heart when i said that to him and he told me his got to get an education and that no more of this moveing out crap. i held his hand and i cried and cried. he took a deep breath put his head in his hands and said this is hard. but at the end of our convo he told me we are still engaged but we have to keep it secret right now…it hurts so bad, his my best friend and lover im so used to hearing his voice everyday and not to is killing me!!! i havent eatin in 5 days and i havent sleep more then 3 hours in 5 days. im torn inside…his said some amzing things to me the whole time weve been together. theres no way he cant fall out of love me…but he doesnt as broken as i am…but then again i dont know what his thinking…but as of now all i can do is wait because ill love him forever no matter what anyone says. it may hurt now but i have to stay alive for him.
I’m 42 and been through my share of breakups and dammit it just does not seem to get any easier. I am head over heals in love with this woman.
I think that part of what gets you is hanging on to that little glimmer of hope that somehow things are going to turn around and it is all going to work out. A little mental mechanism to prolong the torture.
This blog is great though. certainly makes you feel better to read this stuff over and over again.
Tom, you’re exactly right. It’s that “little glimmer of hope that somehow things are going to turn around and it is all going to work out” that keeps your heart holding on.
Today’s my birthday. I should be ecstatic, jumping for joy like I always do on my birthday. But i’m not.
My ex is trying once again to get me back and this time he even went into a alcohol/ drug rehab program because I asked him to. He doesn’t have a big drug problem with crank, or coke, or meth or any of those crazy drugs. But his marijuana habit, laugh as you will, makes him have withdrawals and he fiends for it and it has the same effect on him. He’s been doing it for 20yrs and it was an every day thing for him. He’s tried to quit on his own for me, but his withdrawals and urges cause him to hurt me all over again.
So he’s in a live-in program there, and my heart hurts for him. Because now he says he’s only going to be there for 30 days. He’s not even completing the 1st step of the program. He’s only doing the detox part. I can’t help but feel disappointed. I had that “glimmer of hope” that maybe this time we could pull through and make it work. But I know that in reality, even though it was a huge step for him to go in and it was his love for me that he did it.. in reality 30 days aren’t long enough to clear out 20 years of use.
He wants to come back home after 30 days, I want him to at least complete the 1st step which is 90 days long. I think he thinks that while he’s in there I’m just going to get over him and meet someone new. Which isn’t the case. I told him that if he was willing to make that commitment to me, that I would make a commitment to him. I don’t want to reward him and let him come back home only after 30 days. That’s not long enough for someone to change. I don’t want him to come back home and hurt me like he’s done in the past. I told him that I wanted a healthy relationship, with love and the security of knowing that he wasn’t going to runaway or turn to drugs every time we argued or fought. He usually leaves when the going gets tough and I’m left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart until a week passes and he wants to get back together again. (What does he usually do in that week while I’m crying? He’s hanging out with his friends and his brother getting high)
So now he’s in a drug program and I don’t know what to do?
I’ve even thought, what if he completes the 30 days and makes up for the rest by going to church with me and going to relationship counseling with me.
I love him. I don’t know what to do. Do I give him a chance because he at least got into the program, or should I hurt him and tell him that it’s not good enough and let him go.
Any thoughts, advice anyone?
well gosh, i am only 15 years old and alot of ppl may say i have no idea what love is or what heartbreak can consists of, ha you must be kidding me. so i had been with this guy for almost 4 years and when we first met we fell in love, but it took us forever to finally be official but when we were boy was i happy. he was all i could think about and i loved him and i knew that he loved me but i don’t really know but something happened he began to get interested in other girls, like i knew he cared about me but not like he used to. he wanted what his friends had and he didn’t wanna be tied down forever, i fought and fought to try to make us work i did whatever it took b/c i was sure that things were gunna get better but they didn’t. we got to the point where we fought every week and broke up every other day. finally we had to let it go, and the pain that i felt was ridicoulous, like i didn’t think you could actually feel that bad about something or someone, i mean my heart felt like it was swelling out of my chest and i didn’t know where to turn, and then i realized that life’s going to go on with or w/o you, and that’s what pushed me. so i can’t really say i’m fully happy but i’m getting there and i still love him and i know he loves me too, he’s lost and i wish the best for him !
just pray for me and i’ll do the same for you !
It has been 4 months since I got my heart broken by my ex. We were together 8 years. It has not gotten any easier, and I still find myself crying every night. It’s funny how even though she was unfaithful, it is me that is wishing things would work out.
It always seemed like I was more committed to the relationship than she was. I have this overwhelming feeling that she has already gotten over the relationship and I am still crying myself to sleep. It doesn’t seem fair, no matter how many different ways I try to analyze the situation. Why am I the one that’s hurting when I did nothing wrong?
HI CR
You are the one thats hurting because you are a genuine person with honest feelings, therefore you feel the way you do, people who trample all over another person without a care in the world obviously can move on in life because they are cold people, so they will think nothing of just getting out and moving on and never looking back, this attitude of theirs will one day leave them all alone and wishing that they had done things differently earlier on in their lives, whilst at that stage in your life you will have someone you deserve and who deserves you to share life and that will be your reward for being a wonderful, caring felling human being. Just hang in there and believe me you, you will not want to believe this but you will be able to move on and find happiness one day. I know that the time now feels like that will never happen, and when you find that someone wonderful, you will thank your lucky stars that you went through what you did now, in order to have found that someone great. It gets better, I know.
Mel
me and my girlfriend broke up a couple months ago after a couple days i was over it and stuff and im happy and enjoying life but sometimes i still think of her .. i dont know why?
Well it has been over a week since my Wife walked out on me after a blazing row…we had only been married 6 weeks after nearly 2 years together..she wont talk to me, but we do communicate through emails..I have poured my heart out time and time again, but she seems to be able to build my hopes up and when things are looking like a huge leap forward, the rug is pulled from under me, and the heartbreak is hellish!…I have got to a stage where i feel like a lame animal hanging onto every word with a sense of hope that we can work things out…I am coming to the sharp realisation that our short Marriage is well and truelly over..I am gutted, because i love her like crazy…
Well…I have read so many stories here and it is honestly relieving to know I am not alone in how I feel. My ex broke up with me the day before mother’s day after almost 2 years. It’s been a little over a month and well the pain isn’t stopping anytime soon. My story seems a bit different than all of yours so that is why I am stuck. No matter how many times he hurts me I just still love him.
The hardest part for me is knowing while I am here crying and in so much pain he is out being happy and trying to be with another girl. He told me he had no love for me whatsoever as a girlfriend he lost the connection and the feeling because he was talking with this other girl behind my back. I am 19 and so is he and he left me to pursue a 16 year old junior in high school. After two years I can’t understand how someone can just let go of it so easily. He doesn’t show any remorse or any regret. Like those two years never happened. No matter how many times I show I love him. I even played the guitar and sang to him. He said he just felt like being with the other girl was right and she makes him want to be a better person and change. By the way because she believes in no sex until marriage he went to confession to try and rid the intimacy we had. He even lied to her and told her we only had sex once in our entire relationship. He is full of deceit even with this new girl.
What is interesting is that we didn’t really argue and our relationship was so stable and we got along so well. Our families loved one another and even when I left his parents were crying and yelling at him for leaving me. It was a shock to everyone. He not only ruined me but he disrespected so many around him. I honestly gave him the world, let him do what he wanted and showed him so much care. The day before he broke up with me he told me he loved me for everything that I was and then the next day he just called me and said there was someone else he couldn’t stop thinking about.
My heart aches so much knowing no matter what I did it wasn’t good enough. How could I let someone in that I thought was the one to only have them use me? How could he make promises to me and my family that he couldn’t keep?
For my own reasons I honestly don’t know if they’re ever going to be together but knowing my luck they’ll live happily ever after. What am I supposed to do? I still find myself wanting him back even after he told me she was better than me and more attractive. He doesn’t care about the memories and I am over here haunted by them.
Two days after he broke up with me he watched the same movie with her that he watched with me on our first date. He’s stolen so many of our memories and used them with her. It’s so hard to handle and so hard to deal with. He is an asshole and such a horrible person and yet I want nothing more to have my old life back.
I think he is not the same person at all. In a matter of a few days he has changed completely. I don’t know why or how but I feel like I’m paying the price.
He seems like he is changing who he is to please this other girl, like he is obsessed with her or the satisfaction of getting her because she is so hard to get. And in the end I feel pathetic and worthless. I have so much to offer and yet he doesn’t see that at all.
Do any of you think he’ll regret what he did? Do any of you think he’d come back?
I don’t want to feel like It was my fault because it honestly wasn’t. I want him to feel the pain I am feeling but it seems like he never will. I want him to get what he deserves because I feel in a relationship you don’t just give up, you work things through.
I don’t know anymore… I just want him to regret losing me, but how can regret it if he feels like he didn’t lose anything
It has been a fortnight since my wife and I have separated, and i have learnt so much about Myself and how i effectively drove her away in the first place…One obvious faftal mistake is that i began to take her for granted, and i began to critise her for petty little things, and i in turn created a very unhappy atmosphere in our home…. i lost my way in the relationship, i became difficult to live with because of my “childish” behaviour….I am now in deep realization of the facts, and my eyes have been well and truelly open to the stark choice, of losing my Wife for good…She has not only been My Wife, but also Lover and my best friend, so i would have a lot to lose…It isnt too late, i will never lose my way again, and i will alaways treat her with the love and respect she deserves…I have searched deep inside myself to realise that i want to turn things around and change and to win my Wife back again……..We have been out together and the love and passion between us is immense…I have been a very foolish Guy, but my eyes have now been opened, and i adore my wife more than ever before….I know i can get this marriage back on track, by affording my Wife the space and freedom within our relationship to be her own person and be content and happy…
Today’s my Birthday. I should be ecstatic, jumping for joy like I always do on my birthday. But i’m not.
My ex is trying once again to get me back and this time he even went into a alcohol/ drug rehab program because I asked him to. He doesn’t have a big drug problem with crank, or coke, or meth or any of those crazy drugs. But his marijuana habit, laugh as you will, makes him have withdrawals and he fiends for it and it has the same effect on him. He’s been doing it for 20yrs and it was an every day thing for him. He’s tried to quit on his own for me, but his withdrawals and urges cause him to hurt me all over again.
So he’s in a live-in program there, and my heart hurts for him. Because now he says he’s only going to be there for 30 days. He’s not even completing the 1st step of the program. He’s only doing the detox part. I can’t help but feel disappointed. I had that “glimmer of hope” that maybe this time we could pull through and make it work. But I know that in reality, even though it was a huge step for him to go in and it was his love for me that he did it.. in reality 30 days aren’t long enough to clear out 20 years of use.
He wants to come back home after 30 days, I want him to at least complete the 1st step which is 90 days long. I think he thinks that while he’s in there I’m just going to get over him and meet someone new. Which isn’t the case. I told him that if he was willing to make that commitment to me, that I would make a commitment to him. I don’t want to reward him and let him come back home only after 30 days. That’s not long enough for someone to change. I don’t want him to come back home and hurt me like he’s done in the past. I told him that I wanted a healthy relationship, with love and the security of knowing that he wasn’t going to runaway or turn to drugs every time we argued or fought. He usually leaves when the going gets tough and I’m left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart until a week passes and he wants to get back together again. (What does he usually do in that week while I’m crying? He’s hanging out with his friends and his brother getting high)
So now he’s in a drug program and I don’t know what to do? I’ve even thought, what if he completes the 30 days and makes up for the rest by going to church with me and going to relationship counseling with me.
I love him. I don’t know what to do. Do I give him a chance because he at least got into the program, or should I hurt him and tell him that it’s not good enough and let him go.
Any thoughts, advice anyone?
Sad and broken hearted,
Happy belated birthday! I hope it ended up being a good one. As far as your situation goes, it is a tough one. It is really easy to set a red-line as to what you expect from your partner, only to end up re-adjusting it. I once said I’d never stay with a girl that cheated on me. While in Iraq, she cheated on me only for me to take her back. Love is not easy, it breaks all the rules.
You need to do what makes you happy. I’ve read your replies to no less than 10 people on here and you have an absolute heart of gold. Not only have you helped those individual people, but the countless others that have navigated to this article and read your inspirational comments. I wish you the best of luck and lots of happiness!!
Even belated birthday wishes make you smile because i’m smiling right now! My birthday went ok. Only my friend Veronica and my fiancee remembered to wish me happy birthday. My family forgot, can you believe that? My kids remembered, but my parents and my brothers and sisters forgot. It made me kind of sad, but they remembered the next day and took me out to eat at my favorite restaurant. He was in the program so I didn’t even get to see him.
)
And now You wished me happy birthday, so thank you!!
I told my daughter how love can hurt and how I hope that no one ever breaks her heart and she said, can’t you change your name to semi-hurt and semi-broken hearted? LOL. That made me laugh.
There’s a saying that goes it’s not easy to see the trees for the forest, or is it the forest for the trees? But what it means is that it’s easier to see things for what they are when you’re not in the situation and you’re on the outside looking in. So it’s easier for me to offer advice, but since I’m on the inside of this one I need advice.
Thank you for yours. You’re right this one is tough, I love him deeply and I don’t want to give up as long as he’s showing and proving to me his love. People make mistakes, it’s when they try and make up for them that you should consider giving them another chance.
I know it must have taken all that you had to forgive your girl. I hope that it’s going better for you and that she realize what a sacrifice it was for you to forgive her. I hope she treasures your forgiveness and has since made up for it and is giving you all her love.
I love this: Love is not easy, it breaks all the rules.
Very true.
He’s been in this live-in program going on 2 weeks now. He asked me if he could come home after 30 days and I stood my ground and told him No. I told him, “You have a choice: 1)Complete 120 days and you can come back home or 2)Quit now and leave me alone. Because if you can’t commit yourself to this program, then how will I know that you can commit yourself to this relationship and not leave when the going gets tough. Accomplish this one thing so that we can move forward. (It’s christian-based so I know that it’s also benefitting him this way too. I believe that for relationships to be truly happy, God must be the foundation. Before this, I believed in God, but he disregarded him
I tell him this with extreme firmness (and inside my heart hurts because I can only imagine how hard it must be for him. Without his family, surrounded by strangers in a strange environment. Now he says they don’t turn on the air conditioning and that it gets to be like 120 degrees in there) He says that they tell him when to sleep, when to eat, when he can smoke cigarettes, when he can take a bath. He wants to give up and only do 30 days. I reminded him that didn’t he want to be in the army or marines at one time? That takes discipline and they tell you what to do there. Life’s not easy sometimes, but you can’t give up all the time either.
I do have a heart of gold and I have never and would never cheat on him. It pains me that he has to endure what he is enduring, but at the same time it is “proving” to me how much he loves me and the kids. I tell him that 4 months is not long compared to me giving him all my heart and for us to have a lifetime of happiness.
Kyle, am I wrong? Am I being too hard on him?
Thank you for all your nice words.
I need advice on this one
I dated this guy for 2 years and I just can’t get over him. I can’t let go, I told him to get over me because I didn’t want him hurting, but when he started dating this girl it scared me. I literally went into a panic attack over it. What hurts most is I know he still loves me, I know he still cares about me, but his girlfriend wont even let us within 10 feet of each other without her being there. I just need to speak to him alone, to say my goodbye and just try and attempt to get over him. At the same time I don’t want to though, I want him to leave her and come back to me, but I don’t know if it’ll happen. I don’t know what to do anymore I just want to stop hurting.
Today is my 50th birthday. I should be so happy to be alive today, you see I beat cancer, the big C. But my best friend and lover of 9 years told me today that he is seeing someone else. We have been apart for almost a year now but I kept holding on to hope that we could work things out. I spent all my savings and retirement trying to save his business. See age does not make things easier or you any smarter. So I have spent today crying and being physically sick because my heart is broken and so is my soul.I have lost my well fight and that scares me. Ever day is a fight to keep going and just get out of the bed. I don’t know what to do or who to talk to. My friends all say the same thing “get over it” I wish it was that easy. Pray for me, I feel like I am so lost and alone.
Dear Penny,
Just letting you know that someone cares. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Sadness is hard. And I know it’s not easy to just “get over it”. You are not alone. Your friends do care for you, they just don’t know how to deal with what you’re going through.
I prayed for you and I’ve always enjoyed this prayer. Because sometimes even though we don’t mean to, we feel failure for not being able to change or control things. But there are some things that are just out of our control and we have to give them up to God to make better. God only gives us the little things that are hard to handle, the big things he wants us to give to him and trust in him that he loves us enough to make things better.
So here’s the Serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next. Amen.
Penny, you didn’t give up and you beat cancer… You can beat this sadness too. Every day do something for you. It will get better.
Thank you so much for the thoughtful note and the wonderful prayer. It really means alot to me and touched my heart. It is so true that we don’t understand that a prayer has been answered, just not in the way we asked. Most days I can do just fine but sometimes the memories are just to much to handle. People can be so harsh sometimes in the way they speak to you or should I say at you. Again thank you so much.
You made me smile again.
You’re welcome Penny. I’m glad to hear that you took my good intentions to heart… You will have good days and some not so good days, but hang in there.
He may have hurt you, but please don’t let him take your health too. You know good and well that stress breaks down the immune system and you need to take care of yourself, Penny.
One of the reasons that you’re still hurting is because you mentioned that you’re holding on to hope that things will still work out.
Hope.. one definition of hope is: to expect with confidence : trust
Do you really think that you should keep that hope alive? If he took your savings and your retirement, do you really need him to hurt you more? I know you know the answer to that is no. Would you ever be able to “trust” in him again after all the hurt he’s caused you?
I know that memories can be hard, but the only way we can move on is to make new memories and treasure every new day that comes your way. The best thing you can do is Love Yourself and then love yourself Even More. As long as you LET your heart recover, it will.
God is carrying you now and maybe he’s trying to take away someone that just never appreciated you or loved you the way that you deserved to be loved. God has a plan for you, Penny. Give your hope and confidence to him
I’ll keep praying for you, and I hope you keep your spirits up and keep smiling!
my husband and i have been married for a year and a half, and have a 9mos year old beautiful baby boy brody..sounds great huh? NO..my husband is currrently in iraq and on sat. (on the phone) he informed me that he is no longer in love with me and that he wants a divorce. He said he would rather just pay child support because thhat would be easier on him…i get that he is a major d-bag..but it sucks because i am in the house everyday looking at all the things we have shared together in this house and it hurts my insides. I am also in the military, a full time student, a mother, and taking care of our 3 pets..am i the only one that thinks he has picked the most cowardly time to tell me..
i get these bouts where i am perfectly fine and confident that everything will be ok, and then just out of nowhere i am balling my eyes out until i have a migrane or something..it is crazy how out of my head i am knowing that he is leaving us, considering all of the emotional abuse i have put up with…
sorry, had to vent…
I feel for you, I spent many of many tours in Iraq Kuwait, Somalia, as a Marine I would never allow that kind of conduct from my men, if they had unfinished business to do such as wanted to end a relationship, they own up to it like aman and do it face to face.
Same goes for those who write those dear john letters too
Both are cowards in my book
Hey I was just talking to a girl I went to highschool with, I just graduated btw, and she was realy nice but she told me she felt like she was “rocking the cradle” : / but it seems like the past few girls I tried to hook up with seem extreemly interested then a week later never talk to me. It sucks cause now that I’m not in school I realy have no chance at love. My goal in life is to find somone who I can love and have them love me back. Frusterating cause I have no one in my life to talk to about my feelings so I bottle them up and get waves of extreem depretion every few mounths. Help please
Well, there’s always college.. Even going to Jr. college will allow you to be around women again. At least if you meet them there then you know that they have goals in life. If you choose not to go to college, then there are other ways to meet girls. For example, church or through friends. I know you may hate to hear this, but you are still young. Believe me, you still have to hit age 21, that’s when a whole new world can open up to you. I know so many people that don’t even want to be “tied down” around that age so that they can go out and have fun. So please don’t feel depressed. You’re just going through a time of your life where you may feel a hiatus. You’re too old for highschool and too young to go out to clubs and drink. Maybe you should focus on yourself for now. You can go out to the workforce and start saving money to buy yourself things that you’ve wanted. Maybe while you’re working you’ll meet someone. Cheer up, you will find that person that will love you and that you can love. You just have to let it happen. That saying that says “Love happens when you least expect it” sometimes is true.
It is day 7 of the saga and it contintues. Last Thursday I was going to pop over my girlfriends house to suprise her when she got off work at 1am, low and behold this guys car was there, I had a key so I let my self in, my girlfriend was on the toilet and then I opened up her room and this guy was naked standing in from of the mirror, I was two feet from the face of a man who was carrying on an affair with my fiance, We were planning to get married. Make a long story short, he left, I took my things loaded my truck and left. The next day I came by and got last things. What hurts the most, no remorse, no emotion on the part of my girlfriend, no tears, no pleadings of saying she was sorry. 5 years of a relationship thrown down the trash. She knew this guy and how was never to come around the relationship and let along invite him to the house. To me this is the ultimate act of treason, betrayal. She said she would not have had sex with him, and accussed me of why was I with her if I thought she was the type of woman wthat would. Now keep in mind, this woman is 48 years old, THe victim me, I find it hard to breath at times, I want to crawl into a hole and dust die, the pain comes and goes, I only wish I could cry, I am totally numb, help me
John,
I’m so sorry that she did this to you. She’s a coward and a snake. If she didn’t love you or wanted someone else, then she should have had the courage to tell you instead of slither in bed with someone else. I have no respect for cheaters. Please don’t let what this person do to you destroy your heart or faith in others. People like her, make it miserable for good-hearted, faithful women like me. Because of people like her, my fiancee accuses me all the time of cheating on him. I cry all the time because it hurts to think that he would see me as someone capable of doing that to him. So please know that there are good women out there that would never do that to you. Love is faithful and true. If she couldn’t give this to you, then as hard as it may hurt to be betrayed like that… you should be happy that you know now and can get rid of her.
And please, please when she does want you back. Don’t think about it. I’ve been there and done that too. I forgave my children’s father and he was on his knees crying that he loved me and was sorry. I fell for his pleas, only to have him cheat on me again. 98% of cheaters don’t change. Even after we were over, he tried to get back with me while he was with his new girlfriend. He tried to cheat on her with me. Loser.
My fiancee now may have his issues, but as far as I know he has never cheated on me. I love him dearly, but can’t handle his jealousy and constant accusations. I have never cheated on him and never ever will. We’re trying to work things out, but that is one of the things that he needs to change so that we can work out. So please don’t make the mistake of taking her mistakes into your new relationship when you get one and don’t make the mistake of pushing your new girlfriend away because of accusations and lack of trust. I know it’s going to be hard to trust anyone else because of what this person has done to you, but you just have to if you want to find love again. Remember a new person should be a blank slate, not someone you punish because of what your ex has done to you.
You will find love again and remember how much it hurts to be betrayed so that you never hurt someone like you’ve been hurt. Take care and good luck.
Thank you whoever you are.
Your words were an inspiration, wow, just when you think no one cares I get an email saying some one responded to my plea. Last night was so hard, I almost broke and went to see her, as a band aid on a sucking chest wound. Instead I called another buddy who has had his heart crushed and he was very encouraging telling me to hold my ground. The pain in my chest comes in waves, it hurts to live sometimes. My friend said its as if your on a beach, the tide comes in and soaks you, then you try out, it soaks you again, waves hit you, until eventully the moon causes the tide to change, in time the water will no longer soak you/. So is pain.. Because I was so devistated my immune system hit the rocks and I got really sick with the flu. I am almost fully recovered, but I decided to get an STD and HIV test because the one I had put my trust in not only broke my heart, but may have put my life in danger.
To be a bit more transparent, I am a Marine, I was wounded in combat during my second tour in Iraq. Amazing how when I was lying on a poncho awaiting a helicopter as my body was soaked in my own blood, the pain didnt hurt like the pain a woman can inflict on me.
No worries, I will not carry the scars of what this horrible woman has done to me into another relationship. Some day, the good Lord will send me a woman who knows the meaning of loyalty and faithfullness. If only she knew what we that have lived on the battlefield, to trust the man on my left and my right. I am no longer on the battlefield, but why am I still getting wounded, strangely Iraq seemed much safer in some respects.
Still pressing onward, I still have one thing in my heart that she could not take, that is HOPE
I still see the good in people
John
You are SO spot on what you said regarding hope. Without hope we have nothing. As long as there is hope there is a reason to breathe.
And just remember this… “One day someone will walk in to your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else…”
You’re welcome John,
I’m very proud of you for being strong and not going over there to see her. I know it’s hard. Sometimes the physical pain of a heart-break is so devastating that you feel it hurts worse than physically getting hurt. Like when you said you were hurt in the helicopter. When I was hurting like that I thought I’d rather be physically hurt than to endure the pain of my heart breaking. Then I imagined getting my arm chopped off or all the painful things you see done to people in the scary movies and I thought, ok, maybe not. LOL.
But it will get better. I like the metaphor your friend told you about the beach. Time is the main thing that helps you heal, but so does getting out and getting your mind off of it. Imagine your friend’s story and think of how the moon caused the tide to change and in time you didn’t get soaked. Well, what if you had done something like move up higher on the beach to not get soaked. So it’s the combination of time and doing something that makes it better. Yes, it’s going to take time to heal, but doing things for you that make you happy will make the healing process faster. And don’t think things like she made you happy. What she did now is making you miserable. So you not only deserve better, but you will find someone better. And don’t let self-destroying thoughts get the best of you like, “what did I do wrong? or how could she do this to me? what did I do to deserve this?”.. no, no, no. You didn’t do anything wrong, you didn’t deserve it, and she did it because she as a person was capable of doing that. If she hadn’t done it to you, she would have still been capable of doing that to someone else.
Believe me, my fiancee has done some pretty crappy things and said some pretty mean things to me. He’s even gotten angry and told me to find someone else. He really wouldn’t want me to do that. He was just testing me because he’s been hurt in the past and thought I’d hurt him just like the other girls. So if anyone could have done anything to push someone to cheat it would have been him pushing me. BUT I didn’t cheat on him and I would never cheat on him because I’m not capable of that or hurting anyone like that, especially someone I love. So, yes, there is hope that you will find someone that would never hurt you like that. Have you ever heard the saying that if you fall off a horse, just get back on and try again? Well, that being said.. why would you get back on the same horse that bucked you off, hurt you, and would likely do it again if there’s a field of other horses you can try. Haha.. So didn’t give up on love or yourself. Be faithful to that one person when you find her, surround yourself with genuine friends, and keep your head held high and spirits up!
I hope some of what I’ve said helps and By the way, thank you for serving your time as a Marine. It’s not easy to be a hero, but I admire you as one.
Dear John,
Wow! I felt obliged to make a comment of what you’re going through. Thank God you aren’t married to her! Believe me, this is a blessing in disguise. I went through the same thing as you. I was married for 9 years with 2 boys. I still remember the pain as if it were yesterday. And, mind you, I’m going through it with husband #2. But this time, the pain isn’t as painful as when my husband #1 told me over the phone that the other girl was pregnant. How did I get over it? And how am I dealing with mine right now?
These are the steps you MUST TAKE:
1. YOU HAVE TO DECIDE WHICH WAY YOU’D WANT TO TAKE… Do you want her back or do you want to end it?
Either way YOU MUST STOP ALL CONTACTS WITH HER AT ALL COSTS!
Do not call her, no e-mail, no texting, no begging, no reasoning, NOTHING! Stop Everything! DON’T CALL HER PARENTS, SIBLING, FRIENDS, CO-WORKERS! DON’T TRY TO PASS BY THE HOUSE! DON’T CHECK ON HER! Whatever you do, stop in your tracks! If it’s important to keep all contacts or information from her, write it down or copy it down before erasing all informations. BuT, you must place it somewhere where it is so difficult for you to access that it’s too much effort to even get the information…and you won’t get tempted.
A. The reason for this is that whatever the decision you want to make should be a rational one.
B. You are not in your right mind to make any decisions right now.
C. Don’t let your emotions make the decisions for you!
2. CREATE A LONG TERM GOAL:
For example, although I was hurting soooo very bad and I hated myself so much for lowering my standard. I still had to consider my boys. My ex-husband at that time, wanted half of my house. In California, if we divorced, we split everything 50/50. I was going to lose my house, my car, my 401k. My short term goal was NEVER, EVER GIVE THEM THE SATISFACTION OR A REASON TO SAY, “THAT’S THE REASON WHY I LEFT YOU!” My long term goal for my situation was to be able to keep everything. I didn’t give him the satisfaction to see me cry nor the satisfaction to argue with me. By me arguing with him, it would’ve been easier for him to walk out without guilt. I wanted him to feel guilty on his own. Plus, if I fought him, he’d put the blame on me… and the lawyers would’ve made a killing on both of us. By the way, he gave me everything at the end…the house, the car, the furnitures, everything. You must decide what your long term goal is for your own situation.
3. RIGHT NOW, THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT: DO NOT GIVE THIS POWER BACK TO HER. YOU WILL LOOK PATHETIC!!!!!!!
DO NOT BEG! No amount of reasoning will stop her from doing something behind your back. You’ve already seen the other guy IN YOUR FACE! What more do you want? SHE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!
PLEASE DON’T BE PATHETIC IN HER EYES! KEEP THE BALL IN YOUR COURT!
Let her do the begging! Do not give her this power! Remember, everyone wants something that they can’t have. She has to work hard for you. If your decision is to get back with her in the far future ahead (Notice I said far, and not near), you don’t want her to do this again. You must let her work for your relationship.
My ex-husband and his mistress went to the same gym as I did. It didn’t stop me from going. I was crying inside. I didn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I kept my head on straight and worked out quite a bit at the same time as they did. Do not react to her at all! I didn’t react to mine. I kept telling myself when my ex- was working out with the other woman across the gym, “Why should I be miserable while they are both having fun in front of me?” I didn’t give him the power. At the end of the divorce, he told me that he thought I was going to fight for him. He wanted to get a reaction from me, I didn’t give him any reaction. The more I ignored his antics, the more he hated it that I didn’t give him any reaction. I cried alone. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. It hurt so bad. The one thing that kept me strong was that it felt good that I didn’t give him any reaction for whatever he did to me. I didn’t give him a reason to hate me. I didn’t give him an easy way out. You don’t want to be the guy who is so pathetic! Have pride! You’re a Marine! Good riddance to her! You are not married. Your mission would’ve lost due to the surprise attack. Make plans and re-route. Think of her as a Taliban or Al-Qaida. They will say anything to you so that you’ll go on to their side.
4. GET RID OF ALL THINGS THAT REMIND YOU OF HER! Put it somewhere!
Don’t go play DVDs, CDs, everything that reminded you of her.
Now is not the time to do this. If your long term goal is to be back with her, don’t do this right now. You’re wounds are very fresh and raw, and painful. Do not do this to yourself.
5. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE THAT YOU TRY HARMING YOURSELF. It’s not worth it. She’s not worth it. I know it’s easy to say but why put your family through the pain of burying for what this miserable woman did to you. Think about your family. If you did hurt yourself, then you are giving her the satisfaction of saying,”He killed or hurt himself because of me. Wow, he must’ve truly loved me.” And, you just made the other guy happy.
6. GET BUSY! IMPROVE YOURSELF! I made a point of working out every single day. It released endorphins. Plus, the guys started asking me out. Right now, your self esteem is low. Do something to improve yourself. I started renovating my house. Studied self help books. I built a fireplace mantle from scratch from floor to ceiling. It was an accomplishment. It was beautiful. It gave me satisfaction and small accomplishments. And men, admired those traits about me. They started to notice because I started talking about things that I knew what I was talking about. My ex-husband started noticing things. Although I was miserable inside, I forced myself to do things to keep busy. My focus was renovating the house. I changed all 3 toilets, all the carpets to wooden floors…I kept busy. I had no time to think. Get out with friends. I learned how to deal with electricity. I placed all my ceiling bulbs to ceiling fans. I went out with whoever would ask me (friends)
Do something! Go to the library.
6. Take your time and lick your wounds.
I say this because, nothing is going to change this woman and what she did to you. Nothing is going to change that. If you want her back, now is not the time. You can’t be friends. Do not call because she might not answer. Do not e-mail, because she may not reply. Lick your wounds and heal first. Why punish yourself? You can’t go to battle while you are injured. You need to catch your resolve before trying to fight for her. Who knows, by the time you heal, you might not want her back.
My story is that my ex- wanted me back while he was with her. I told him that we can only be together after we divorced. He needed to quit claim everything to me. I said to him that I have to be able to trust him first in able to work things out. In the end, he quit claim everything to me during the divorce proceedings. On the last day of finalization of my divorce, he asked me back again. I laughed in his face and said”why would I want you back now that you’ve given me everything?” Remember John, my long term goal was to get everything from him at the end. I have more information on how to get over someone fast…. just that it’s too long. You may e-mail me at Affairsofdheart@sbcglobal.net (This story is copywrited by Triacomp) Lynnette you can twitter me & search Yrsweetangel
I am also the new Coordinator for Vallejo/American Canyon cities for Beyond Affairs Support Group.
R.I.P MJ. Bit irrelevant on this blog, but still pretty sad. Took my mind and i’m sure a load of other people here’s minds off the whole broken heart process. Always cheers me up knowing that there are people in the same position as me. Good to know you’re not alone. Some good advice on all these comments as well, help a lot so thank you.
Ive always said i’d rather get my head kicked in by a bunch of lads than go through a broken heart. I’d never had one before, but had heard of the torture they are. Now i’ve got one, i realise how tough it actually is. Fell in love with a girl who liked me, but didn’t love me, and it tore me up. I’m 16 and hadn’t cried since something stupid like year 8, but now it’s a daily thing. One thing i have learned is never fall in love too young unless you’re a 100% sure, and even then, still be cautious.
From othe stuff i’ve heard it’s good to get rid of everything from them, if its gifts or texts or anything. My phone inbox was absolutely flooded with texts from her, and i’ve started deleting them. Probably sounds pathetic but it’s always tough to actually delete them. Do it at you’re own pace, i do something like 5 every week, and move on from there.
If you want to get over them, try and stay away from talking and all that. I wanna keep her as a friend, but realise that if i do, im never ever gonna get over her. I’m sure all of you are the same, cling onto every last bit of hope. Like, we were talking last night on msn, and when she went, she put a load of kisses and a love heart. Right, i know that sounds really really pathetic hahaha, but usually its just a quick ‘bye x’ and away she goes. It means nothing I know, it’s just that every time I try and move on, it seems ike she drags me back down.
I’ve got a mate who’s really close with her, but fell out with her after she broke my heart, and even though i felt shit, i went through everything to make sure my mate made up with her, so that she didn’t start feeling sad too, because as much as it hurts me, i want to see her happy, even if seeing her happy and the fact that she’s moved on does upset me.
It’s just life anyway, part of me thinks all of us who have or have had a broken heart are actually lucky, because it builds us up to be stronger in the future. I always look forward as well, thinking that one day the tables will turn, and it’ll be me being all happy with a new girl, whilst she’ll be going through all this. By that time, she might realise what she’s lost, when it’ll be too late!
A final thing as well, open up a microsoft word page thing, and let everything out. What i did, actually felt pretty good. Something like 6 pages now, and you can see the mood slowly changing. At first it was all soppy and how i’m still in love with her, but you can see the feelings slowly changing.
Most of you won’t be into this music either, but music like 2pac, Ja Rule, Nas etc. always cheers me up. I hate full on rap, but their songs mean something to mean and help me see theres more to life than foooooooking love… so enjoy it!
Its been a year since my ex dumped me. I am still in pain think about him a lot. This blog helps me to feel better.
We had a long distance relationship about four years and tried to keep contact each other mostly over the phone since we lived in different countries. we could be together while i was in where he lived for studying about three months. It was not easy for us to meet during four years because we both had jobs. It was not easy to travel.
He moved to where i live last year he got a job here.we met finally after four years in person. I loved him so much thought that we could be just fine and this time we could get married. I had such a wonderful time with him, but i was dumped. I found out that he was with a new girl. I know that its not difficult for him to be with girls here. It still hurts me. I always wanted to be with him but it was such a hard situation to be together. However the girl can be with him so easy. she can be with him everyday. I just heard his voice for four years. I wanted to spend time with him in real life. It would be fun just go grocery shopping.
I dated nobody for four years I just wanted to be with him. I know why i was dumped. He was my frist boyfriend. I didnt know how to keep good relationship. I was stupid believed in our relationship was real and forever. I was selfish thought about myself. I couldnt support him at all always complained about everything. I was emotionally unstable I caused troubles between us. Just regrets left. I just regret about what ive done. I always think what if I didnt this or that I could have saved the relathinship. I reflect on what ive done to him every day.
It was my first serious relationship. He was everything to me. I know that its not right idea now. I wish I had known how to keep good relationship when i was with him. I should have been independent emotionally. I lost him Ive learned a lot noticed my mistakes but I blame myself for losing him everyday. I had plenty of plans to do with him when he moved here. I could do none of them. I still miss him like an idiot when he is a new one never think of me. I try to get over him everyday but I still cant and one year has passed. I know this is what i caused i need to take responsibility. Id like to move on but its never easy. I wish I could say sorry and thank you to my ex but he will never know how i feel anymore. I really loved him.
It’s been a year and I’ll tell you why you’re not quite over it yet… Because all I read from your letter was, “my fault, my fault, my fault” and that’s why you’re still hurting.
Until you ACCEPT that what happened wasn’t your fault, then you are still going to continue to hurt and not move on. Until you STOP thinking of the other girl and what he’s doing and INSTEAD focus on you and your life, then you’re just going to keep hurting yourself more. I just got to the part where you said, “Just regrets left” and I honestly couldn’t read it anymore. It makes me mad that someone could hurt you like that and yet you punish yourself. Please stop. He was a jerk for leading you on that long. Who’s to say he wasn’t dating lots of girls that whole time and who’s to say he’s not cheating on the girl he’s with now?
If what you say is true and you really saved yourself for him for 4 years… then he was a complete idiot to let you go. I don’t know how old you are Luka, but I do know this. You’ll move on when YOU let him go. He’s already let you go. He’s already moved on. Yet in your heart you have regrets that are still holding on to him.
Be right back, I’m going to try and read the rest of your letter.
– Oh, wow.
Luka, you don’t owe him any apology. You owe yourself a life. You owe yourself happiness. If you don’t love yourself and see the value of yourself, then how will someone else love you? or see your value? If you really feel like you made mistakes in the relationship, then realize this.. EVERYONE makes one mistake or another in a relationship. No relationship is perfect or without an argument here or there or a problem here or there. Really. If relationships were perfect, then no one would ever divorce.. No one would ever break up. Jeez, if relationships were perfect then there wouldn’t be over 1,000 comments on this site or 21 pages of heart-breaks.
A year is long enough for you to be sad. I don’t want you sad or wasting your life hurting. There’s a whole world out there. You really have to stop thinking of him and what he’s doing. You have to stop punishing yourself and making everything your fault. I’m telling you this because I care. Because I don’t like anyone hurting. Because it’s not fair that you’re sad and not living. You have one life, live it. Stop blaming yourself, let go, and move on. I know it will be ok, when you let it be ok.
Lotsa Love.. and I wish you the best.
To Sad and broken hearted
Thank you for taking time reading what i wrote and gave me comments. Makes me cry that you gave me comments with deep thoughts and care. Your comment cheered me up. I was wondering if i could tell how i feel correctly in English since i am using it as a second language. What i wrote is true.
Like you wrote me i feel like i am not living and happy because i am just thinking about him and blaming myself. Due to my childhood experiences I tend to have low selfesteem that i have to work on. I am trying to work on it but seems difficult still now to have confidence in myself.
I realized I am wasting my life and not living my life. Its kinda embarrasing to tell but i became sick after i was dumped and quit job then. I couldnt be strong anymore. I am unemployed now. I feel more desperate because of it, but i will look for job that i can enjoy and new life.
Its sad to be alone forever. After i get over this I would like to share life with someone someday. Again, Thank you so much.
Luka,
You are a wonderful person with a huge heart and that is a lot to offer someone!! It is very hard to have low self-esteem. I know. If any of the hundreds of people on here could write you back, i’m sure they would tell you that they’ve had low moments in their lives where they felt bad about themselves a time or two.
The important thing to know is that having good self-esteem starts with you!
You CAN build confidence in yourself again. But it has to start with you.. You CAN be strong. You just have to believe in yourself. When you do, you’ll see just how strong you are and you will be happy with yourself 
And Please don’t be embarrassed. I would like to tell you that it’s Safe here and that a lot of people on this site have been hurt before and will not judge you. Please don’t misunderstand that I am not judging you, I just don’t want you sad anymore. You deserve to live happy and if i give you tough words it’s because part of me wants to shake some sense into you (because it’s not your fault) and the other part of me wishes I could give you a big hug!! If I sounded mad in my last letter in any way it was not at you. I was angry at him for hurting you like that.
If you took my words to heart, then you made the first big step! You realized that you are wasting time not being happy and you realized that you CAN move on. “AFTER I get over this I would like to share life with someone someday” See… even you know that you can get over this
You will get over this, but you have to let yourself. Life comes in chapters some times like in a book. You have to close the chapter with him in your life so that you can get to the rest of the book… I bet when you do, you’ll find out that there IS someone out there that will love you with all his heart and that you can be happy
Take a deep breath, tell yourself that you’re not going to waste not even one more day on him and that it’s going to be ok.
To Sad and Broken hearted
Thank you for writing again. Your comment encourages me. I cannot be
completely fine in a day though sorry.
I could talk about my breakup to some friends when i just broke up a year
ago. but I couldnt talk to anyone i was still suffuring from the pain. I have felt totally alone and lost.
I moved from the place where i lived.I dont have so many friends where
i live now.
I was trying to repress how i feel inside,to be cheerful and pretend
that I fogot him and moved on in front of people around me. i was about to
be crazy to be honest..
I lost my boyfriend and job at the same time. I really didnt pursue my
career.I know this is the outcome of what i did, but I felt like I lost
everything. It sounds stupid but my dream had been happy marriage with him.
I didnt expect to be dumped when i am late 20s. Its been a year but I still
dont know how to start over my life yet. I do know i need to find the way
and cannot give up. Ive felt totally alone but you gave me comfort with
your kind comments.
Luka,
I know it will take more than a day to move on. When you start to accept things as they are and let yourself move on though, I promise it will start to get better.
I’m just here to tell you that you are not alone, so please don’t feel so lost. Congratulations on moving somewhere new. Maybe you can explore your new environment and get out and meet new people. Sometimes as hard as it is… It’s best not think of what you’ve lost, but instead focus on a new goal and imagine all the things you can now gain. Look up, now down
Luka, don’t you think it’s worth waiting a couple of years to find the right guy, then to waste 10 to 15 years with the wrong guy that would end up hurting you and making you miserable because he doesn’t love you like you deserve? You are really still young and your dream of marriage can still happen with the right guy.
Take one day at a time and know that life moves on and sometimes you just have to move with it. I’m proud of you for not giving up! Take care and I wish you lots of true love and happiness
To Sad and broken hearted
Thank you again. I will take one day at a time. I know nothing will not
happen in a day. Fisrt of all I will look for job and then I hope I can
meet new people there. To be busy will distract myself.
You are such a nice person gave me support. I hope i can do something
for someone when they worry or haveing problems like you did to me.
Luka,
May God bless you always!
That makes me happy. I can see light at the end of the tunnel for you already. I’m very proud of you. I know things will be better for you, I can feel it. If you start to feel down, remember you are not alone and there are people out there that care. Try and stay strong and focus on all the good things about you. I can sense a wonderful heart in you and that is alot to offer someone
today is day 2 of my break up with my ex. we met in highschool and dated for 5 years off and on. we have always had our problems but i just always hoped that everything would just work out and we would be happy. i cant count how many times we have tried to break up and then we get back together. one of us always contacts the other one telling eachother how much we love eachother…we get back together..and things are fine (sometimes for even a year or so) and then it eventually results in another break up. im now 21 and feel like ive matured enough to stop this unhealthy relationship for the both of us. i left his apartment the other night and had to be picked up by my younger sister because he was drunk and couldnt take me home. he verbally abused me to the point where i had to call her from his bathroom to come get me and then sit outside alone until she got there so i wouldnt have to keep hearing all the horrible things he was screaming at me. i know that it needs to be over but its so hard to think that this time is for real since we have broken up so many times before. even after this i still love him with all my heart and soul and part of me wants to go back to him. i just dont know how to make myself continue to stay strong and not be with him. i feel like i always go back to him when i know i shouldnt. he has even been unfaithful before this and i forgave him and lied to me about his past and i forgave him. he was my first and only love so far in my life and i feel incomplete without him as horrible as that sounds. what hurts the most is that i know he doesnt care about me and will move on from this by just hooking up with random new girls. it hurts that i am the one who always cares the most and who wants it to work and then im crushed when it turns sour. i know that im young though and have a wonderful life to live ahead of me. im graduating college in december and have a whole new life waiting for me. i guess i just am so used to being with him that i feel alone, scared, and insecure. he was my comfort zone and i stayed with him for that very reason. i want to get over this and i just wish i could stop thinking about him all the time and wondering what hes doing and if hes missing me as much as im missing him.
Amanda,
You’re not alone. I know exactly how you feel. I’m sure you wish he could value how much you love him and respect you and love you as much as you love him. The only bad thing is that there is no magic wishing well and we can wish or hope as much as we want, but it won’t make it true.
So what can we do? Stand firm in what we want and deserve. When you stand your ground, you gain respect, and one of two things can happen..
1) Either he will agree to what you want, not by promises… Because that’s why we take them back in the first place, right? But instead by Actions, by him proving it to you. When someone breaks your trust, then you have to see to believe. Otherwise, we are just fooling ourselves and letting ourselves be fooled. or 2)He won’t realize what he has and won’t change. Then you have to ask yourself… What did you really lose?
Sometimes we are treated the way we allow people to treat us. It doesn’t mean that it’s your fault. It just means that we love so deeply that we don’t know when we’re hurting ourselves or letting ourselves be hurt.
Decide your value and stand firm in what you want. The person that really loves you won’t want to lose you and life is short. Why would we waste time being with someone that doesn’t love us enough, when there is someone out there that will..
Goodluck Amanda! And Congratulations on doing so well in your studies. You should be very proud of yourself and what you’ve accomplished. Good luck with your graduation in December
hello everyone. i am having the worst time ever with this breakup that i am experiencing. i think why i am taking it the hardest is because it is all my fault. after making a fool of my ex and saying and doing some things to him in an extremely intoxicated state (in which i do not remember). the scene i made was so bad that he would not talk to me. i tried and tired to explain to him how sorry i was, how much i care for him, how much he means to me ect, but he would not hear it. all he wanted was space from him, some time to think, but everyday i called him and/or texted him which made it all the worse. i told him i needed to know if their was any hope for us. when he couldnt answer that i got so upset and kept bothering him. after being so obsessive with him he told me it was over. he couldnt deal with me anyone and i just had to stop. i have an obessive presonality and i couldnt help it. i am going crazy inside. i feel incomplete without him. granted we were only togethr for 4 months it was still a pretty strong 4 months. i dont know what to do. i am so upset, depressed, and just sad. i keep crying and i dont know what to do. i have to literally yell at myself not to call him. it has only been a day too. it anybody has any adive id be willingly to take any right now. thank you.
Nabritney,
Well, sometimes it is our fault. And even when we’re trying to make things better, we end up making them worse.
However, everyone makes mistakes. YOU HAVE don ALL YOU CAN to make things better. You have tried to reach him, contact him, ask him to forgive you. But now it’s out of your hands.
My advice to you is to give him time. If the relationship meant as much to him as it did to you, then he will come back. But you constantly trying to contact him is only going to make matters worse. If you keep calling him, you’ll only push him away further and make him feel harassed.
If you feel like you can’t control not calling him. Edit his number in your cell phone. Edit it to be Your cell#. That way if you do call him, you’ll be calling yourself. Leave yourself a message telling him all the things that you want to tell him. It will release all of what you want to tell him, without actually “harassing” him.
Hang in there. Try and be strong, and know that we all make mistakes. We just have to learn from them and move forward. You’ve done all you can for now. Do things to take your mind off of him. Get out and hang out with your friends. If he truly loves you, he’ll forgive you and want you back. If he doesn’t, then be grateful you know now and find someone that loves you.
On a personal note, I did something once to upset my guy. He was so upset that he said it was over for good. Of course I didn’t want it to be over so I called him to ask him to forgive me. He wouldn’t answer my calls, so I texted him. We text back and forth for a little while, then he stopped. I went to his house to ask him to forgive me and he made me feel dumb because he wouldn’t answer the door. After many pleads with him to open the door and him still not answering, I left crying. The next few days were hard. I cried and cried. Talked to my friends, cried some more. Then I let go. I realized I had done all I could and that I should no longer punish myself. I stopped calling him. I left him alone… A week and a half later, he tried to call me. I Didn’t answer His calls. After all, now he had hurt me by ignoring me and not answering the door. He then persisted in calling my work. I told them to tell him I was busy. A few days later he called again and I was the one that answered, “Thank you for calling (name of my job), how may I help you?” He said he was sorry and that he missed me.
Point of story: When you’ve done all you can, move on. If he loves you, he’ll miss you and call you. From then it’s up to you whether he’s worth it or not. Until then, don’t call him anymore. Leave him alone. It may be hard, but you can do it. I speak from experience.
You said you’d be willing to take advice, I hope you meant it.
Put the ball in your court, you take your life back into your own hands.
Good luck Nabritney.
I’m really glad that I found this blog. I’m in a mood where I just need to vent since I cant talk to anyone else because of the situations and conditions Im in. I’ve been dating this guy off and on for 3 years. We started dating when I was a junior in highschool. I remember when we first met and how much it meant to me because he found me when I needed someone the most. My parents were going through a nasty divorce and I was having major issues with people at school and everything else in my life. I was very depressed, kept attempting suicide, and everything. I was at my lowest that I have ever been and then one night I met him. After that night I remember going to school and telling all of my friends about him. I was very excited, even though my parents hated him the very moment they said hello to him. That afternoon after school, waiting for my ride with my friends, I saw him. He walked to come meet me and surprise me after school. I had never had a boyfriend and had barely been kissed so I was sooo excited.
He took my virginity and I thought he was my absolute soul mate. He gave me that sense of hope that I needed to get through all of the rough times I was having through my parents divorce. I finally had someone who loved me and cared about me. A few more monthes go by and I found out his ex gf was going to have his kid. I was very upset about it but, I decided not to let it hurt me sense he was with me now. I understood his situation and we decided to work through it. He was my world and I would do anything for him.
My parents didnt let me see him and after school got out I ended up having to move in with my dad. My dad and I DO NOT get along and my mom moved 4 hours away to live with her new bf and new family. So with the fact that I didnt have my licence we could rarely ever see eachother. One night my cousin came over and told me she saw him making out with his pregnant ex. I was so heart broken that I cried harder then I had ever cried before in my life. It hurt so much since he was my rock that was keeping me alive and safe. Then all of a sudden he was doing this to me. Needless to say he broke up with me after I confronted him about it.. and one day he just dropped off the face of the earth.
I never got over him and six monthes went by with no sign of him returning. Then randomly one day I got a text message. It ended up being him. I was so shocked that it knocked the breath right out of me. I had just gotten my license and a car so I decided to go see him. I met up with him and he was dating someone else. But that afternoon we made out and he broke up with her and within a week we were back together. I was sooo happy but I couldnt tell my parents because they hateed him so much that we had to keep it a secret from them.
Of course they found out, but we still dated despite what they would say to me. A week after I turned 18 we moved out together and got a place with his friends. We were sooo happy living together for monthes. He had a job, I was working, we were spending all of our time together and paying the bills and for the groceries. But everything great always has to come to an end. We ended up having to move out and I had to move back in with my parents. He was homeless and moving from friends to friends since he lost his job in the process.
I then got in a car accident a month ago and totaled my car. Now we have absolutly the hardest times trying to see eachother and get people to give us rides so we can see eachother. I then found out that he was getting into hard drugs because of the crowd he was hanging out with. He started lieing to me all the time so one day I got so fed up with it I broke up with him even though it killed me to. So now its been 2 monthes. We still see eachother and we still want to be together and try. I’ve been spending nights with him about once a week to a couple times a week.
This past friday we had gotten a room together and spent the night together. I loved being able to sleep next to him again and hold him. It felt perfect. The next day he told me he was going with his dad to Mass. to help him with a job he was doing. I had a suspicion that it wasnt true but I tried to regain my trust with him so I let it go. That night I found out from his ex’s myspace that he had went to go see her. So i blew up his phone for over an hour and finally he answered telling me a phony story how he went to see her for a few hours, got in a fight with her new bf, and was back in Mass. since his dad came and picked him up. Once again… I bought it. But we faught the entire conversation.
The next morning he calls me to wake me up admitting that he lied to me. That he was in Vermont the night before. I started crying and he told me that he needed to see his now 2 year old son for the first time in ages. But that he was staying at her sisters house RIGHT DOWN THE STREET FROM HER. He ended up not being able to get a ride back so he stayed there for anther two nights. Which he rarely called me or texted me and I was very upset since he was around her. It just made me keep thinking the worse. So today I finally found a friend that would take me up there to go get him.
We came back and hung out today. We talked about what he wanted to change and what I wanted to change. We talked about how we need to start getting our stuff straight if we were going to stay together. I talked to him about how the lieing needed to stop and that we needed to be open and tell eachother things. That we dont need to have a barrier between us to be in a relationship. After all that, laughing, and kissing, and spilling our hearts, I noticed a hickey at the bottom of his neck. He kept telling me that it was because of other things and I refused to believe it. I KNOW A HICKEY WHEN I SEE ONE! Come on!
I finally got him to admit to me that it was his ex girlfriends sister that did it. Yet she is a lesbian and married. I guess they got drunk and fooled around a little but it never went past that. I didnt know what to say but since we wanted a fresh start and wanted to do this… I was going to have to let it go.
But now… at the end of tonight we were arguing and he kept telling me that I dont give him space. Just… he keeps putting the blame on me which I dont understand why. I’ve given him soo much money and helped him out so much. I call him and text him and always tell him that Im thinking about him. I let him hangout with his lowlife friends and dont usually complain. I think the only thing I was doing wrong was… trying to understand him. Trying to understand why he keeps messing up. I got too close in trying to help him and it landed me with a broken heart tonight. I know hes not good for me but.. hes the one. I know it because when I first saw him I knew he was going to be the love of my life. I hadnt said one word to him and just one look into those blue eyes gave me that knowledge. But now…
I just dont know what to do. It’s killing me inside to know hes off doing his own thing with who ever. Its killing me to know that hes been kissing someone else while Ive been here struggling with college and work while worried sick about him. Im so shookin up about this that Im trembling and am feeling lost all over again. I just want things to go back to the way they were when we lived together. We were so happy and so perfect together. I just want him to get away from all of the trouble and get him back on his feet. But Ive tried so hard for so long and I dont know how much more I can take. I love him. I really love him and its killing me. I dont know how to get over him. But I know I need to.
I just need some very insperational help since none of my freinds or family know about ANYTHING thats been going on. I cant get myself to tell them in fear that they will hate me and throw me out. Im so scared and alone… I need help. Sorry this was so long. I’ve been dieing to vent to someone.
Sorry.. correction: I don’t think that you let him hang out with his lowlife friends “because you want to” <— That was just a typo because I hadn’t finished the sentence. I finished it in the sentence below when I rephrased it, but I forgot to “cut” it when I restarted the sentence below. I know you don’t want him hanging out with them, you know they’re nothing but trouble.
Wow! This article is amazing! I am going to pass this on to some friends for sure! And its so true! I just told a friend of mine who recently broke up with her boyfriend that she “will not die from this.” It’s so true! C’est la vie!
Dear Lost and confused,
I wish I could tell you things that will make you feel better, but I know that in this situation there is no easy answer. It sound like to me that he may have been your Rock in the beginning, but now he’s leaning on you so much that he’s more of a little pebble. I know that in this situation it will be one of those “the truth hurts” things. I know you love him with all your heart and you appreciate deeply how he was there for you when you needed him. I don’t know, but I believe in a way you feel like you owe it to him to be there now. The one thing that you have to remember is that when he was there for you, you weren’t hurting him. You may have been depressed and hurting because of all the other things that were going on, but you weren’t betraying him. So this situation is different. You have been there for him, -”I’ve given him soo much money and helped him out so much. I call him and text him and always tell him that Im thinking about him” and how does he return the favor?
1)He made out with his pregnant ex
2)He dropped off the face of the earth (while he was trying to work things out with her and you may not want to face it, but you know that’s true)
3)When it didn’t work out with her and he wanted someone to not “just date” him, but “love him” he called you. He didn’t want to wait and work for the love, he knew you loved him. But it took him 6 months to text you.
4)He was selfish and got into drugs
5)”He started lieing to” you all the time
6)Just the day after you get a room with him, he lays with you only to go see his ex the next day (so he couldn’t get money to go see you within those 6 months, but he could find a way to go see her?)
7)Then he has the nerve to kiss you and cry like everything’s going to be better, meanwhile he has a hickey on his neck
8)lies, lies
9)Now he’s telling you he needs his “space”, while he’s off “doing his own thing with who ever”
10)lies, lies, and more lies from him.
I’m not telling these things to hurt you. I know you lived them, I know they hurt you already. But what I’m trying to show you is that you shouldn’t be there for him while he’s doing nothing but leading you on and hurting you. He may have been your Rock in the beginning, but now he’s not. Now, he’s just taking advantage of your love and hurting you.
You’ve already given him space, if not how is it that he had enough space to go and see her. He doesn’t need anymore space. He needs a leash, so that you can keep him in check, but I know that’s not possible. He keeps blaming you, because he is not mature enough to take responsibility for himself and his actions. You can try and try to understand why, but it’s not going to do you any good. There is no reason to hurt another human being the way he is hurting you.
As long as you don’t trust him and you have EVERY right not to, he’s going to keep hurting you. To him, he sees you as the girl that wants him, keeps chasing after him, and will do anything to keep him. He may tell you he loves you, but at the same time he’s not respecting you.
I know that at least part of you sees all this, but your heart keeps loving him and it’s your heart that you keep listening to.
He will respect you when you give him boundaries that he can not cross. When you show him that he can’t hurt you like this. When you put your foot down and stand up for yourself. He’s walking all over you and you have to know that.
I think that you’re afraid to stand up for yourself because you’re afraid of losing him. You’re afraid that he’ll go back to his ex. But look at the big picture. Do you want to be afraid the rest of your life? Do you want to be crying and taking care of him for the rest of your life? Or do you want someone that is going to be there for YOU. Someone that you don’t have to worry about losing because he’s going to “show you” in every way that he is yours and only yours and he loves you. You deserved to be loved too, not just love him. Love is reciprocal, it goes both ways.
It seems to me that you “let him” hang out with his lowlife friends because you want to
It seems to me that you “let him hangout with his lowlife friends and dont usually complain” just to keep him happy. But at the same time you are “enabling” his behavior and actually not helping him at all. If he stays on drugs, he will not progress in life. If he doesn’t progress it not only affects him, but it affects you. If you truly want him to get away from the trouble and get back on his feet, then you need to put your foot down about it. Does he even have a job yet?
You say that, “I know hes not good for me but.. hes the one”. If you really think that’s true and he is “the one” for you, then what are you so afraid of? If that’s the case, then put your foot down. If “he’s the one”, then he’ll still be there. If he’s not, then why are you wasting your love on someone that’s just hurting you?
Maybe just maybe if he does want you, he’ll Actually have to do something to receive your love, instead of treating you like crap and you still loving him anyway. That’s like getting served crappy food and going back to order the same crappy food and you keep paying for it. If you’re going to pay for it (love him) then he should give you food that taste good (love that is good and wonderful). Please stop rewarding him with your love, when he doesn’t deserve to be rewarded.
“It’s killing me inside” to know hes off doing his own thing with who ever.
“Its killing me” to know that hes been kissing someone else while Ive been here struggling with college and work while worried sick about him.
Please don’t let him destroy you. You have things going fo you. You are young with a life ahead of you. You are in college and you have a job. You should be so proud of yourself. You deserve alot. You deserve to be loved and you deserve to be happy. You’re dwelling on the past and hoping that things were the way they used to be. You’re living in the past. You need to see the person you are with now and see things for what they are now.
I don’t want you sad or crying and I don’t even know you or love you. So someone that says he loves you, should care even more, right? Find your strength.. You have it in you. Don’t be afraid, Stand up for yourself. Let him know he can’t treat you this way. Always make sure to love yourself too. I promise when you do, that’s when you’ll be respected and you’ll be stronger.
You don’t have to take anymore. Not one more day of sadness. Today is the day because tomorrow may never come. I lost my younger sister in a car accident and she was only 20yrs old. I know first hand that tomorrow is never promised. Fight for your happiness today.
And please please don’t ever go back into thinking of suicide. Not only does the bible say that you’ll go to Hell, but think of all your loved ones that you would be hurting and sad. It’s been 7 years since her passing and I still miss her. But she’s family, believe me.. if you did something like that he might miss you for a little while, but he’d get over it and you’d still be dead. My fiancee now would threaten to kill himself when we’d break up and not only did he never do it, but I told him, “I love you more than anything honey, and it would kill me for you to do that.. but I promise that someone else will come along and take all that pain away and then eventually I’d forget about you. So it’s not worth it.” It’s true. Someone killing themselves is different than losing someone when it’s no fault of their own.
Please take care of yourself, sadness is destructive. I don’t want you sad or crying and I don’t even know you or love you. So someone that says he loves you, should care even more, right? Find your strength.. You have it in you. Don’t be afraid, Stand up for yourself. Let him know he can’t treat you this way. Always make sure to love yourself too. I promise when you do, that’s when you’ll be respected and you’ll be stronger. And please know, that you are not alone.
@>(–&–
First of all, great blog, and in a strange way I feel comforted knowing there are others that feel like me. I have been married to this woman for 8 years and have lived with her for a total of 15 years. I’ve known her for nearly 23 years. She is the love of my life, plain and simple. And although we had our ups and downs (as all couples do) I never felt like we would ever break up. A few weeks ago I started noticing she was becoming more and more “distant”. Then, two days after my 40th birthday (June 25th), she tells me that she is unhappy and that she doesn’t think I will ever be able to make her happy. She also told me that she had met someone and was talking to him regularly, but that was it. She said that she has alot in common with him. He makes her laugh and she admitted to me that she is attracted and intrigued. I was literally sick to my stomach. We had gone over this “you don’t make me happy” thing before, but this time I knew she was done with it, just by the tone of her voice. Not to mention there’s this “other guy” factor. We have ALWAYS been honest to each other, wether it be bad or good, but we were always honest to each other and hid nothing. That’s how I knew she is truly attracted to this person and that her feelings for me have gone. I told her that all couples and marriages experience these feelings of unhappiness and discontent. I tell her a relationship takes work because people change over the years and it is up to the couple to adapt and make the adjustments. She starts to cry and through her tears tells me that she is unwilling to work at it anymore. She firmly believes that we are both set in our ways and that I am just not the one for her. She said she knew it for a long time but loved me so much as her best friend that her own selfishness prevented her from telling me. So she stayed in the relationship believing she would sacrifice her true happiness just to keep me in her life. And now she just couldn’t do it anymore. I was devastated.
Needless to say, this past week has really tested my mental AND physical strength. I’m out of the house, staying in my friends guest room. I’m alone for the first time in FIFTEEN years. My heart literally “aches”, to the point of physical pain. I have a total of about three and a half hours sleep in 4 days (please forgive me if I have a little difficulty articulating! lol!). I’m so lonely. So, after the initial talk and 2 follow up calls (which consisted of me, begging for her to reconsider), I told her that if this is what she really wanted, then there was nothing more I could say or do. I just want her to be happy, you know? Even though it doesn’t seem fair to me, there’s nothing left to do but let her go. I can’t force her to love me. At that moment, I realized my beautiful wife and best friend of 20+ years will no longer be a part of my life. I’ll never look into her beautiful eyes again. I’ll never kiss her again. I’ll never hear her sweet voice singing to me again (she is a Broadway caliber vocalist). I’ll never breathe in the sweet smell of her long brown hair, ever, again. I’ll never hold her again. I’ll never make love to her beautiful body, EVER again. Now I am filled with feelings of inadequacy and failure. Not to mention, the past couple years I had been dealing with ED. I know this was a factor as well, even though I was desperately seeking help and spending hundreds of dollars in the process. I feel like I’m not even a man anymore. I couldn’t make my wife happy or even satisfy her in bed anymore. The thing is, I know I’m a good man. I’m not perfect, I have my flaws, but I truly believe that I am a good husband and father. Why doesn’t she love me anymore? I thought when you say “I do” you’re supposed to work things out, not give up. I am just so CRUSHED right now. I need help. I have such a vivid imagination and I just see her in my head, laughing, smiling, kissing, caressing and loving someone else. I can’t stop thinking about my f**ked up life and it keeps me up. I still love her and can’t let go, even though I know I have to.
I need help. I don’t want to start taking sleeping pills or drinking, but I honestly feel like this lack of sleep is making me nuts. I just CAN’T stop dwelling on my life. I’m so lonely and broken hearted it’s hard to function. Normal everyday tasks take so much effort. I am mentally drained and exhausted. Any suggestions?
Dear Crushed,
First off, I’m really sorry that you are going through this situation. I know how hard it is to lose someone. I don’t know how hard it must be for you to have this relationship end after so long together. Sometimes we find our wisdom within ourselves. You sound like a very sensitive and intelligent man.
Your words:
Even though it doesn’t seem fair to me, there’s nothing left to do but let her go. I can’t force her to love me. I just want her to be happy, you know?
You’re exactly right. You can’t force her to love you and I’m not saying that she doesn’t love you. She probably still does, but not in the way that she used to love you and not in the way that she feels that you deserve to be loved.
From what you said she told you, Her words:
She starts to cry and through her tears tells me that she is unwilling to work at it anymore… that I am just not the one for her. She said she knew it for a long time but loved me so much as her best friend that her own selfishness prevented her from telling me. So she stayed in the relationship believing she would sacrifice her true happiness just to keep me in her life.
It’s easy to be selfish and keep someone with us because we know that we will be sad without them. It’s harder to be unselfish and truly love them enough to let them go when they are not happy. It seems to me that she has been completely honest with you. I don’t believe that she intended to hurt you. From your account, it sounds like she didn’t cheat on you. She probably didn’t expect to develop feelings for this guy. I wouldn’t blame the whole break up on this other person. From what she said, “She’s known for a long time”.. She didn’t want to lose you or your friendship. I’m sure she’s just as close to you as you are to her.. Just not in that way anymore.
I’ve always thought marriage counseling and reconnecting with God in your relationship would be the best marriage savers, but she has to be willing to do this. Normally in a marriage I would recommend the partners to try everything they can to stay together, but that is IF BOTH of these things are present: 1) They are still in love with each other or love each other as more than just friends AND 2) Are both willing to save the relationship.
Neither one of these apply in this situation. She said she’s “not willing” to try anymore.
So you answered your own questions.
As hard as it is, you have to let her go if you love her and truly want her happy. You don’t have to “lose” her as a friend and you don’t have to give up completely.
It seems to me that you’re willing to try anything to save this marriage. Are you willing to try reconciliation after time apart? Because it seems to me that this is the only option left to you, if getting back with her is what you hope for.
This is a situation where you just have to respect her honesty and accept her decision. So Let go. If she’s meant to be yours, she’ll be back. In the mean time. Move on with your life. Don’t stop living. So many different things can happen. If she hasn’t been intimate with him yet, then she could realize that he’s not the one for her. That the grass isn’t greener. She could realize that all relationships have problems and her problems with him may be worse than any of the problems you both had. While she’s figuring all this out, who knows? Maybe you could realize that you only miss what you were “used to” and you could meet someone knew that makes you feel young again and in “butterfly” love.
Like I said there’s so many things. You never know. I don’t know.
What I do know is that drowning in sorrow is not healthy. Losing sleep over things that are out of your control is useless. Resorting to sleeping pills or alcohol abuse will not solve anything. You seem like a smart man. How does drinking your sorrows away (with alcohol which is a depressant) make sense? It doesn’t and it won’t help. It will only mask the pain and it will return when you wake up or sober up. The only way will be: follow the suggestions above in the original post, trust that what is meant to be, will be, and feel the sadness til it passes. Time heals wounds.
This time may seem hard, but when you get through this tunnel of sadness, there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Just hang in there. Even the physical pain heart ache brings will pass.
Good luck and I wish you the best!
Thanks Sad and Broken. I appreciate you responding. It’s hard to get an objective opinion about my situation. Most of my guy friends just tell me to “Be strong!” or “F**k her! You’re better off!” It’s not like that for me. You are right, I am a very sensitive person. I wish I could just turn off my feelings, but I just can’t.
You’re also right about my wife’s honesty. Yes, I know she is being honest to me, and I know she probably didn’t mean to develop feelings for this new guy, but the hard truth is, she has. The irrational side of me says to “Hurry and win her back before this new relationship escalates!” while my logical side says “Stop. If she’s interested in other people now, it’s over.” It’s just the hardest pill to swallow.
We have been through counseling before, with some success. This time around though, I’m afraid no amount of counseling is going to influence her decision. And, she’s unwilling to do it again. As wishy-washy as my wife is about things, when her mind is made up, it’s made up. Now I’m faced with the harsh reality of lonliness, and an uncertain, unclear future. She was my best friend and lover for 15 years, and my wife for 8 of those years. I’m 40 now and I’ve known her since I was 19. Over half my life and half my memories are with her. My goals for the future, my hopes, and dreams (which all included her!) have all been shattered in seconds. You also mentioned if I could reconcile with her after time. I truly love her so much I can’t honestly say that I wouldn’t, even if she had been intimate with someone else. Is that pathetic or WHAT?! What can I say, she was the love of my life. I just feel like I’ll NEVER make it through this one. I’ve had break-ups before, but this one is so much different, on every level. I just feel like I’ll NEVER be with anyone better, or as beautiful, or as smart or funny or intellgent. I don’t consider myself a bad looking guy, but my wife was WAY out of my league. When people met us, they couldn’t believe I was her husband. I always felt SO LUCKY. It’s memories and thoughts like this that will continue to haunt me. And now I’m 40, dealing with ED, heart broken, self esteem at an all time low. I feel like the sorriest excuse for a man right now…
I guess there’s nothing left for me to do but try and move forward. But I just can’t get the thought of her out of my head. I keep imagining her with other men and it makes me sick to my stomach. I hear songs on the radio, see commercials on TV, and even certain smells remind me of her. So much time spent with her that EVERYTHING is a constant reminder. Even this lap top I’m using, I remember when we shopped for it together. She constantly swims in my thoughts and I can’t shake it! PLEASE GOD, just let me sleep a few hours…
Lots of break up articles I’ve read say to sever all ties with the ex. Delete MySpace, Facebook profiles, delete her from my phone, etc. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but I feel I MUST let her know a few things before I end this chapter of my life with her. I feel this unwavering need to let her know how I feel, even though everything I’ve read says to give space and refrain from contacting at all costs. I just can’t help it though, I know I shouldn’t, but I really want to text her. Am I just delirious? Would this be the worst thing to do? It’s hard for me to delete all her stuff because it’s like, so, final, you know? God, I wish I was stronger.
Sad and broken-hearted, you seem like a very intelligent, understanding person. I appreciate and respect your views and insight. I don’t know if you are the actual moderator of this page, but thank you nontheless. I know this sounds wierd, but I was wondering if we could exchange e-mails? Sometimes I just need an unbiased opinion and it’s hard to get because most of my friends and family knew my wife and they are already set in their opinions and views on us. If not, I totally understand. Hopefully I can still talk to you here. Thanks!
Dear Crushed,
I would be happy to correspond with you. I wrote you back and had everything down that I wanted to say, comment, and recommend… and then I clicked the wrong button on the keyboard and it “refreshed” the page and then wiped everything out. Don’t you hate it when something like that happens? I thought I could either strike the keyboard or take a deep breath and just give you a short reply. I chose the latter.
Well, I hope that you can reply with your e-mail so that I can help you with an outsider’s point of view. You are not alone.
I’m sorry but I have to write the same thing to you as I did to John above.
Wow! I felt obliged to make a comment of what you’re going through. Believe me, this is a blessing in disguise. I went through the same thing as you. I was married for 9 years with 2 boys. I still remember the pain as if it were yesterday. And, mind you, I’m going through it with husband #2. But this time, the pain isn’t as painful as when my husband #1 told me over the phone that the other girl was pregnant. How did I get over it? And how am I dealing with mine right now?
These are the steps you MUST TAKE:
1. YOU HAVE TO DECIDE WHICH WAY YOU’D WANT TO TAKE… Do you want her back or do you want to end it?
Either way YOU MUST STOP ALL CONTACTS WITH HER AT ALL COSTS!
Do not call her, no e-mail, no texting, no begging, no reasoning, NOTHING! Stop Everything! DON’T CALL HER PARENTS, SIBLING, FRIENDS, CO-WORKERS! DON’T TRY TO PASS BY THE HOUSE! DON’T CHECK ON HER! Whatever you do, stop in your tracks! If it’s important to keep all contacts or information from her, write it down or copy it down before erasing all informations. BuT, you must place it somewhere where it is so difficult for you to access that it’s too much effort to even get the information…and you won’t get tempted.
A. The reason for this is that whatever the decision you want to make should be a rational one.
B. You are not in your right mind to make any decisions right now.
C. Don’t let your emotions make the decisions for you!
2. CREATE A SHORT TERM AND A LONG TERM GOAL:
For example, although I was hurting soooo very bad and I hated myself so much for lowering my standard. I still had to consider my boys. My ex-husband at that time, wanted half of my house. In California, if we divorced, we split everything 50/50. I was going to lose my house, my car, my 401k. My short term goal was NEVER, EVER GIVE THEM THE SATISFACTION OR A REASON TO SAY, “THAT’S THE REASON WHY I LEFT YOU!” My long term goal for my situation was to be able to keep everything. I didn’t give him the satisfaction to see me cry nor the satisfaction to argue with me. By me arguing with him, it would’ve been easier for him to walk out without guilt. I wanted him to feel guilty on his own. Plus, if I fought him, he’d put the blame on me… and the lawyers would’ve made a killing on both of us. By the way, he gave me everything at the end…the house, the car, the furnitures, everything. You must decide what your long term goal is for your own situation.
3. RIGHT NOW, THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT: DO NOT GIVE THIS POWER BACK TO HER. YOU WILL LOOK PATHETIC!!!!!!!
DO NOT BEG! No amount of reasoning will stop her from doing something behind your back. You’ve already seen the other guy IN YOUR FACE! What more do you want? SHE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!
PLEASE DON’T BE PATHETIC IN HER EYES! KEEP THE BALL IN YOUR COURT!
Let her do the begging! Do not give her this power! Remember, everyone wants something that they can’t have. She has to work hard for you. If your decision is to get back with her in the far future ahead (Notice I said far, and not near), you don’t want her to do this again. You must let her work for your relationship.
My ex-husband and his mistress went to the same gym as I did. It didn’t stop me from going. I was crying inside. I didn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I kept my head on straight and worked out quite a bit at the same time as they did. Do not react to her at all! I didn’t react to mine. I kept telling myself when my ex- was working out with the other woman across the gym, “Why should I be miserable while they are both having fun in front of me?” I didn’t give him the power. At the end of the divorce, he told me that he thought I was going to fight for him. He wanted to get a reaction from me, I didn’t give him any reaction. The more I ignored his antics, the more he hated it that I didn’t give him any reaction. I cried alone. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. It hurt so bad. The one thing that kept me strong was that it felt good that I didn’t give him any reaction for whatever he did to me. I didn’t give him a reason to hate me. I didn’t give him an easy way out. You don’t want to be the guy who is so pathetic! Have pride! You’re a Marine! Good riddance to her! You are not married. Your mission would’ve lost due to the surprise attack. Make plans and re-route. Think of her as a Taliban or Al-Qaida. They will say anything to you so that you’ll go on to their side.
4. GET RID OF ALL THINGS THAT REMIND YOU OF HER! Put it somewhere!
Don’t go play DVDs, CDs, everything that reminded you of her.
Now is not the time to do this. If your long term goal is to be back with her, don’t do this right now. You’re wounds are very fresh and raw, and painful. Do not do this to yourself.
5. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE THAT YOU TRY HARMING YOURSELF. It’s not worth it. She’s not worth it. I know it’s easy to say but why put your family through the pain of burying for what this miserable woman did to you. Think about your family. If you did hurt yourself, then you are giving her the satisfaction of saying,”He killed or hurt himself because of me. Wow, he must’ve truly loved me.” And, you just made the other guy happy.
6. GET BUSY! IMPROVE YOURSELF! I made a point of working out every single day. It released endorphins. Plus, the guys started asking me out. Right now, your self esteem is low. Do something to improve yourself. I started renovating my house. Studied self help books. I built a fireplace mantle from scratch from floor to ceiling. It was an accomplishment. It was beautiful. It gave me satisfaction and small accomplishments. And men, admired those traits about me. They started to notice because I started talking about things that I knew what I was talking about. My ex-husband started noticing things. Although I was miserable inside, I forced myself to do things to keep busy. My focus was renovating the house. I changed all 3 toilets, all the carpets to wooden floors…I kept busy. I had no time to think. Get out with friends. I learned how to deal with electricity. I placed all my ceiling bulbs to ceiling fans. I went out with whoever would ask me (friends)
Do something! Go to the library. WORK OUT! WHY WOULD SHE WANT YOU IF YOU DON’T EVEN LIKE YOURSELF???????? SLEEPING ONLY 3.5 HOURS WITHIN 4 DAYS IS GONNA MAKE YOU LOOK UGLY. GeT a new haircut. Buy a new car! Treat yourself well. You deserve it. Sooner or later, she’s gonna realize what she’s lost. Don’t give her the reason to look at you as pathetic. My husband of 9 yrs was begging me back although he was living with the other girl already. I didn’t give him any satisfaction of looking at me as pathetic. It was a hopeless cause…So, I thought. Needless to say, when I got my bearings and worked on myself.. he started to notice me more and remembered why he fell in love with me. Just don’t be pathetic in her eyes…
She doesn’t deserve your tears, your love for now. Work on you for now.
7. Take Your time and lick your wounds.
I say this because, nothing is going to change this woman and what she did to you. Nothing is going to change that. If you want her back, now is not the time. You can’t be friends. Do not call because she might not answer. Do not e-mail, because she may not reply. Lick your wounds and heal first. Why punish yourself? You can’t go to battle while you are injured. You need to catch your resolve before trying to fight for her. Who knows, by the time you heal, you might not want her back. My story is that my ex- wanted me back while he was with her. I told him that we can only be together after we divorced. He needed to quit claim everything to me. I said to him that I have to be able to trust him first in able to work things out. In the end, he quit claim everything to me during the divorce proceedings. On the last day of finalization of my divorce, he asked me back again. I laughed in his face and said”why would I want you back now that you’ve given me everything?” Remember, my long term goal was to get everything from him at the end. I have more information on how to get over someone fast…. just that it’s too long.
8. Give yourself the gift of her missing you. If you are constantly at her beck and call. She will not miss you. You will irritate the crap out of her.
You may e-mail me at Affairsofdheart@sbcglobal.net (This story is copyright by Triacomp) Lynnette you can twitter me & search Yrsweetangel
I just want someone to listen:
I began reading some of the comments posted here. I became really sad because I can understand the feelings of pain and loneliness. I feel like I have no heart left. I can’t sleep and I can’t eat. I think about this person all the time and wish that it would all be a giant nightmare that I could just wake up from. I just want to give up, I want the pain to go away. It has been 9 days since he broke up with me. I can’t stand it. I don’t know how I’m going to continue with life. I have tried going out with friends and family but nothing seems to help. I would never wish this pain on anyone. Hang in there though, it can’t get any worse, it can only get better!
You said it melody. It can only get better. But right now REALLY sucks. I’m on day 8, or 9? I don’t even know anymore because I haven’t slept in so long. All the days seem to blend together. Hang in there. I can’t give any advice to you other than try to force feed youself. Your body needs nutrients right now because, believe it or not, your broken heart is draining your body and even lowering your immune system. The last thing you want is to be feeling like this AND having a cold or the flu. As far as sleep goes, I don’t know what to tell you!!!! LOL!!! If ANYONE has a suggestion on how to sleep with a broken heart, I’d love to hear it!
You think broken hearts are only for the young?. I am 73 and found out after falling in love with a guy I vounteered with for a year that he was married. I found out accidently and was in shock. No one ever mentioned a wife and neither did he. It has been 3 months since I “vanished” from his life and I can’t stop thinking about him. He really led me and my family down the garden path as they say.I am glad to read about all you others going thru this agony. Hard to eat, sleep, go anywhere. How long will this take.????? I see his car and I go nutty inside. He still wonders what happened. Do these married jerks have any real feelings or is it just a game.??? I took him seriously and he seemed very sincere. I keep beating myself up because I was such a jerk and didn’t see it coming at all. I love the guy and I have been single 20 years, owned a business so was too busy to do the man thing. So what do I do after I finally retire????Fall in love with a married man. Thanks for letting me read you stories. I was having a “melt down” tonday and needed to vent.
I’ll try to make this posting as short as possible, but please have patience while reading it because I need help! I’ve been with my guy for 14 years, married two. We have two children together. We got together really young so he was my first. Throughout the 14 years he has physically, verbally, and mentally abused me. He has also cheated on me several times. He went to prison for over a year and when he got out, he seemed completely changed for (what everyone thought was) the better. That is why I married him. He made many promises to me when we married and during these two years I have seen him break one promise after another. It really hurt me when he cheated and I told him that I’d rather die then have him do it to me again but just yesterday, I was able to access his cell phone records and I found out that he’s been having really long conversations with another girl (up to 4hrs)! He’s also been treating me like sh** again and when I confront him about it he always promises that things will be different and he’ll try. It’s ridiculous that he has to try to be nice to me, but he never changes or he does for a short period of time and then screws up again. I’ve threatened divorce on several occasions but his response is always that he loves me, doesn’t want to lose me and that he’d die without me. Deep down I want to believe him but I know that actions speak louder than words and his actions scream out hate. Everyone has told me that I’m too good for him and that I should leave him but it’s the hardest thing because I’ve been with him for so long and the kids miss him. I’m scared to be alone. You know cheating really does damage to one’s self esteem and mine is so low that it’s almost non-existent. I’ve had people tell me that I’m smart and beautiful but I can’t get myself to believe them. I have not spoken to this guy for a day and I feel like I’m going crazy. The pain I feel is excruciating. How can I get over this guy and why am I mourning over this a-hole to begin with?
Tara,
This will be a first maybe for me, but I’ll try and keep it short too. I re-read your post twice to see if you mentioned that you “loved him” and I didn’t catch it once.
What does that say to me? That after all the hurt and betrayal he has caused you, that you may not feel this pain because you are head over heels in love with him, but more so because like you said, “I’m scared to be alone”. If you’re as smart as people tell you that you are and I’m sure you are, then you know that he doesn’t even deserve your love. I’ve put up with my share from my guy, but cheating is where I draw the line. And you’ve said that this guy has repeatedly cheated on you. Love yourself more than he loves you. Draw the line and stick to your guns. Take back what he has taken away from you, take back your love and your self-esteem. You will go crazy for awhile, because he’s what you’ve known for 14 years. You’re mourning this loss. He’s beaten that love out of you by all the things he’s done to hurt you. Find someone that will treasure you and love, honor, and respect you by being intimate with ONLY YOU. That’s what true love is!
There are truly a lot in the fish in the sea. Sometimes we just have remember that, get out, and not give up!
Good Luck Tara & Hang in there
Hi sad and broken-hearted. my e-mail is slippydogg@yahoo.com
I really enjoyed this blog! It’s straight from the heart and to the point but non-judgmental. I’m also trying to get through a break-up. I know one day things will get better, I just wish that day would come sooner. My heart goes out to each and every one of you who are going through the same thing.
This is a great blog for the broken hearted. I too have a broken heart and reading the posts in this blog has helped me to see that one can get through it once again and that we are never alone in our heart ache. I was recently broken up with in such a poor fashion (we had spoke on the phone and made dinner plans to come home to half an empty house and keys on the counter; took off without paying his share of the rent). I had no idea there was even anything wrong between us but I am learning now what was wrong with him. I knew he was separated for 1 and 1/2 years (as he advised) but i have since learned that it was a very fresh separation for him and I was the the reason for it. I understand now that he has returned to his separated spouse and child as she has been calling me to ensure that I know this. I am just an innocent by stander that believes she put too much faith in love. He has not spoken to me since he left but has left some belonings at my home including a BBQ but he also owes me his share of July’s rent $800.00. How does one trust again or even open thier heart to love. I work in a downtown core where he owns a coffee shop that i have to pass everyday on the was to the post office. I can’t even go to work without getting sick to my stomach of feeling abandoned and betrayed. Is it possible to find the right person?
Well I know it may seem cliche’ to say I know how you feel but I really do know how you feel. My ex broke up with me similarly in the sense I had no idea there was anything wrong with our relationship. I am 19 but we were together for 2 years. He left me for another girl who was 16 at the time.He is also 19. I was told she was better and he had undescribable feelings for her. He was following his heart basically. The thing is I caught him in so many lies in the process and the most heart renching thing he told me was that the last two years meant nothing to him. After giving so much of yourself to just have it taken away is terrible. It’s been about 3 months now and I still find myself in tears on occasion. I question why wasn’t I good enough and all of that. I too place love on a high pedestal. I was so close to his family and he was close to mine. A lot of memories haunt me and I can’t do anything normally without some distant thought I wish I could have back. I get sick to my stomach just like you also. But know there is hope because I wouldn’t want this break up to be useless. Take it as a new opportunity. We just live in a world filled with assholes and we need to learn to weed out the bad ones. You don’t have to live in regret because you did everything right and you were a good person. He’s the one who made the decision and has to live with it the rest of his life. Be happy you don’t have any baggage only heartbreak that will mend soon enough.
My favorite thing I heard from my grandpa is that “Some people think the grass is greener on the other side. But the grass is only greener if you take care and water it”
Relationships were never meant to be if both of you don’t take care of it.
He’s a jerk, and what goes around comes around.
Take care!
i hope your right, i know how you all feel i see my asshole everyday and he makes me sick to my stomach he ended our relation trough e-mail when he sees me everyday and i spoke to him directly about being honest and he was like i don’t want to talk about this anymore but send me an e-mail saying he’s seing someone else and the next day approaches me like were friends you don’t know how much i wanted to murder this guy.
My boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me. I was very argumentative and had insecurities from my past relationship that I realized I did not have. He got tired of it and said he needed time and that he still loved me, but does not know about us anymore. I am completely devastated. I can’t sleep, eat, or focus on anything. I am at work right now, and all I can think of is him. I’m crying right now at my desk as I am typing this right now. I am having a difficult time letting go. I love him so much.
Well this is my story in a nutshell. I had been with the same guy for 10 years. I had a daughter that was 1 1/2 years old when we met that he took in as his own. We now have 2 more kids. When I was 8 months pregnant with our last one he found someone else. At first told me it was just a one time thing but turned into something more. Says that he loves her very much. Keep in mind they had only known each other for a couple months before he left me. Of course I tried to get him to stay but he said he didn’t want to hurt me anymore and didn’t want to be with me anymore. A couple weeks later he moves in with her and her son. What makes it even harder is that I still have to talk to him and see him cause of the kids. He comes and gets them about 2 times a week to stay with him. He is all I think about. I cry almost everyday and it’s been a month since he left. I keep thinking it will get better. But when? He says he wants us to still be friends like we were before we got together. I try to but still wish we could work things out. He was my first and only real love.
Dear Penny,
I’m sorry. I know this must be very hard for you. I was in a situation where I still had unresolved feelings for the father of my children and it was so hard to see him with someone else. I too, had to talk to him because of our children and I too, still loved him very much.
The one thing I can say is that NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU want him or want things to work out, it HAS TO BE a two-way street. HE has to want to work things out with you, and based on his “Actions” (He moved in with her and her son) AND “Words” (”he said he didn’t want to hurt me anymore and didn’t want to be with me anymore”) he doesn’t want to work things out with you. The only thing that you are causing by not “accepting” this.. is heartache for yourself. I know how you feel. I was there. Not only did he hurt you, but in leaving you to be with someone else he has left you feeling abandoned, betrayed, rejected, and unwanted. I know that you love him. I can tell in your letter. In the expression of your feelings. But HE has to love you too! He has to love ONLY you. He isn’t doing that and you deserve better! Life is short. He’s not the only man left in the world and the feelings of love will start to lessen with time and acceptance. Accepting that it is what it is. There’s nothing that you can do to control him or his behavior and that time will heal your pain and wounds. You are NOT alone. You may feel alone, but you’re not. Find your happiness. Spend time with your kids and do fun things with them. People would tell me, “You’re not alone. You have your kids.” But I knew that it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the same type of love or relationship. But guess what.. I spent and appreciated time with my kids anyway. And as I did, I started to have more and more fun with them. The absence of void in my heart was filled with a closer bond and relationship with my kids. He was the one missing out and I was the one reaping the benefits. Find time for yourself too! Find a babysitter and go out and socialize. Life isn’t over for you yet. He’s not the center of the world. Love yourself. Go out and date. He shouldn’t be the only one moving on. You need to let go and move on too.
I don’t know his intentions on wanting to “still be friends” but if it’s because he still wants a positive relationship for you two because of the kids, then that is very mature of him.
For now though, I would tell him that you don’t approve of what he’s done, but you’ll accept it. Right now though, I wouldn’t “be friends” with him. A friend doesn’t hurt you the way he has and your feelings now are too deep to “just be friends” with him right now anyway. Be very very short with any discussions that you have with him and the discussions should only be about the kids.. NOT.. “so how are you doing?” and letting him know what you’re up to. He doesn’t deserve to know that you are hurting or what you’re up to. I say this because you said, “I keep thinking it will get better. But when?”
The answer is when you distance yourself from communication with him and when you accept reality. The heart is a tricky things. It will only start to heal when you let it start healing.
It does get better. My advice is only because I don’t want you to hurt as long as I did. I only started healing and moving on when I followed the advice that I gave you above.
Update: I am COMPLETELY over my children’s father. After I got over him, I KNOW now how better off I am without him. I seen that he wasn’t all that my love had believed he was. He was so wrong for me, that it made me realize why we hadn’t broken up sooner.
God doesn’t give us more than we can handle as long as we don’t give up on ourselves.
I wish you and your kids the best Penny. It will be ok.
Please anybody any advice for me. I’ve been dating this girl for 4 months and I love her and she does also. But all of a sudden she tells me she need to take care of herself. She tells me it’s over. And I don’t know what to do or say.any advice.
Hi Alex,
I can normally try and help with more background information. Can you tell me a little bit about how old you are? How old is she? Any problems in the relationship? Please reply and I’d be more than happy to offer some friendly advice.
Hi sad and broken hearted. Do you think u can email me directly. My email is t3t102@aol.com it’s a zero not an o after 1
I’m 17 and been dating her for 4 months and I really like her a lot. She is an amazing girl but all of a sudden she tells me that she needs to take care of herself. That she can’t depend on me. What do I say or do
My fiance broke up with me a few days ago. He said he wasn’t into our relationship anymore and that he doesn’t love me. I am hurting so bad right now and I do feel like it’s the end of the world. I have been so forgiving and patient and understanding with him throughout all the hurtful things he’s done to me. Honestly I shouldv’e been the one who walked away considering all he put me through, but because I loved him so much I stuck by his side and tried desperately to get over all the lies and pain he put on me. Only now it was all for nothing because he found it so easy to walk away from our family and already started dating other people. I know I should be jumping up and down because he wasn’t very good to me, but I can only find the strength to cry because despite everything I loved him very much.
How stupid am I?
your not stupid,you just trusted this person with your heart and in the end he crushed it. all of us here feel stupid and insecure but were not we are just people who are open to the idea of love and we took a risk and now its time to face the consequence.
Where… to start… not sure why i am doing this… i fell in love with a great girl… our start was crazy, unexpected and just hard… she was in the end of a relationship, and well we couldn’t really do much… then she ended it but we had to hide what we had, which sucked and was hard… then the ride began.. and it was truly amazing, I’ve been in and out of love too many times now, but this was different, she always made sure that i felt love, she told me all the time, how loved i was, and how she appreciated, my little gifts, notes and things i did for her. Then we hit tough times, stresses with her work and mine, and then she had health issues, i stood by her the entire time, doing everything possible… but in the last few months, things got hard, i felt she tried to keep her life with her friends seperate from me, and seemed like a battle for her time… i was upset, and frustrated and we argued… and then she broke up with me. 1 week today. i’ve lost god knows how much weight, and the pain… really… no sleep, nothing, just blame.. just feel like i drove her to do this… but it was weird, i have email exchanges not even 24 hrs before where she says she loves me… now i am hearing there could be someone else, and that she’s spending time and is so happy… but i am here devastated… this sucks… this hurts more then all other heart breaks combined. I read thru this, and it was funny, i wish it would help. Everyone says that i have to stop the way i feel. I have to stop being hard on myself… stop thinking about her, but how? How can i stop thinking about someone who in a short 10 months made me feel more loved then i’ve ever felt before… how do i stop feeling this way?
I am trying to take a day at a time but still having broken heart.
We are all going through the same hardship right now. My 15 years with my wife ended about 3 weeks ago. Every night I keep thinking that this is the worst I will feel and that it can’t get any worse. This morning I cried in the shower after I realized my best friend is gone forever. It just doesn’t seem to be getting any better. I struggle every day (every hour) to not call her because I know it will just bring me back down. I just can’t understand why I’m so devastated and she’s going out with this new guy, laughing, having fun, staying out til 2 in the morning. How can she be doing that when I’m a total wreck? I’m trying to be strong, but it just doesn’t seem fair that I feel like this and she is completely over me.
I feel for each and every one of you that is hurting right now. Just know that you are not alone. There are many of us going through the same horror. I wish I had a time machine to speed up this grieving process. But unfortunately, we just have to do the best we can to move on. It won’t be easy (it hasn’t been easy), but we must strive to persevere.
It was nice to read so much positive from this site. I am on day 2 of my breakup. I was with this guy for 2 yrs and i am 19 yrs old. I know i am young but he was my life. I do not know how to live life without him. the day he broke up with me he kicked me out of his place and told me he could not deal with my emotional unstability and he thinks i can find someone more compatible for me. The day after, he told me he just needed time off from this serious relationship and that he is still here for me and he is not going anywhere. And that i can call him at anytime and we should still like say hi and stuff. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?! If there are any guys here, please tell me your side. Did he just say all those means things the first day to get me to be angry and i would leave or did he mean it. You think you know the guy you have been with so long but you don’t. Any kind of feedback would be great.
Another thing, HOW DO I NOT CALL/TEXT HIM because he clearly isn’t doing either of those unless i initiate it. please help
just when i thought i was all alone i find this blog..i met my highschool sweetheart in 10th grade. He joined the marines after highschool, then we got married. waited 4 years and had a beautiful baby boy..few years later he was sent to iraq..while he was in iraq i got an anonomous phone call telling me that my husband had cheated on me 2 years prior and that there might be a baby involved…eventually i was able to talke to him over the phone and he confirmed it…so with a total of being together 14 years (10 married)..it was all over like that…it has been 3 years since all of this transpired…i eventually filed for divorce..just finalized 3 months ago…i just found out he is engaged to a girl i went to high school with….my heart is still broken..even though i keep telling myself that we could never be together the trust is gone..why does he get to be happy…i did everything that i was “supposed to”. i moved everytime he had to be transferred..i was supportive of him being deployed…i quit school 3 times for him..i was faithfull..now i am the one sitting here sad and upset…i want to be happy again and i just dont know how to make that happen..and what do i do with the 14 years of pictures i have????
I feel the same pain as everyone who wrote in this blog. I ended my 6 year relationship with a great guy for a person that i thought would be the one, i know it sounds really bad but and maybe this is my Karma, My old relationship wasn’t working out and my partner wasn’t really willing to work on it and after 6 years I didn’t feel coonected with him or felt loved. We got together during a very diffucult time in both of our lives that i think we turned for comfort and respect each other but not love,so thats why i ended it. When i meet the other guy it was a weird connection he made me smile and felt special when he’s around me it took us about 6 months before we actually hooked up.I had sex with this guy and though we never really talked about a possible relationship we keep it for another 6months, we joked about being friends with benefits but i didn’t feel like that when were together, he always made sure i was comfortable and happy when i’m with him.then all of sudden he started to change like arrogant and disrespectful, he started ignoring me and won’t speak to me( i work with this guy) so when i keep asking him almost bugging him at work cuz he stood me so many times ,he wrote me an e-mail saying he was seing someone else and that was the last time i heard from him. i see him everyday and he acts like i don’t exist and he’s very happy but for the meantime here i’am loosing my mind because i don’t understand how could this person treat me like i’m nothing when he knows how i feel and what i gave up for him.i took a chance on him, he lead me on,he acted caring and considerate and then all of a sudden he just left me with no explanation. now i can’t concentrate at school and work,i feel like i’m loosing my mind, i had to go get checked out for STD since he was seing someone when he was supposed to be with me, he put my health in danger by lies and pretending to use protection then pulling it out as a joke. he used me and destroyed my faith in love, now i’m all alone and hurting. i know i have to move on but i can’t when i see him everyday at work and i can’t find another job because of the market.this asshole in the meantime he is living life to the fullest with his girl friend and is so happy with her and rubs it in my face by making side comments that i look sad, i wanted to cursed him out but i think that would only make him more arrogant and feel special. what an i suppose to do so i can move on??
Five and a half years and we are breaking up…. I thought I would marry him. Honestly, How do you move on from something that makes you feel so sick to your stomache? How do you cope with knowing nothing will ever be the same. How do you stop the phone calls from concerned friends wanting to talk about ” what happend.” Nothing makes this easier. Everyone says time shall heal all wounds…. but what about when the time comes to your anniversary date, christmas, his birthday, valentines day? I feel so broken.