Classic Movie Scenario Explained: Man Brawls, Woman Tends Wounds, Man Is Reduced to Wincing Puppy

How many times have we seen that one? Our celluloid stud bounds across skyscrapers like they’re lawn toys, crashes through mere walls with bristling aplomb, loses half a jaw to a stray toilet and keeps on swingin’ with less reaction than the right side of Dick Cheney’s face. Having dispensed with the pesky world-saving problem, He-Man strolls through the door, Woman immediately cries (despite the blood sluicing down his face, he comforts her), they make out while they’re at it, and then Woman begins tending to his injuries. Suddenly, our brawny beast is soggier than a half-eaten bowl of corn flakes.

We’ve all read this staple of cheesy internet “things that don’t make sense!” lists.

But this formulaic film scenario makes perfect sense (for once). Here’s why:

When you are startled or threatened, your body immediately goes through a rapid series of internal changes. Your immune system and metabolism virtually shut down. Your noggin’s capacity for long-term planning goes out the window. Your multi-tasking ability disappears. Your body experiences a sudden tremendous shift in hormone production. And memory…what’s that?

As soon as your brain receives the scary input you are no longer in cognitive control. This is called an autonomic response, but you can think of it as fight-or-flight. The sensory cortex (interpreter), hippocampus (context), amygdala (decoder), hypothalamus (FOF activator), and thalamus (WTF is this?!?) regions of the brain work in concert to address the task at hand: saving your skin.

The pituitary gland: it’s not just for horny teenagers anymore!

The fight-or-flight response is a coupling of two systems: your sympathetic nervous system (translation: nerves) and your adrenal cortex (translation: bloodstream). The adrenal cortex produces more than 30 different hormones, including today’s star of the show, adrenaline! The nervous response takes care of muscle tensing, hair-raising, heart racing, shaking, and sweating. It also asks your adrenal glands to release epinephrine and norepinephrine (we lump them and call this adrenaline). The pituitary gland also sends a critical chemical message to your adrenal cortex to Get. Moving. For. The. Love. Of. God. The adrenal response promptly floods your body with powerful hormones like adrenaline, and your muscles release their stores of ATP. And this explains all those “grandma lifted the two ton pickup off granddad like it weren’t nothin’ but a feather pillah” stories. This emergency stress response also explains why you hear stories about people being shot, stabbed, and maimed and proceeding to operate with nary a flinch.

Of course, after the initial rush of your personal ninja juices, your body goes back to business as usual. Because your other bodily functions (like digestion, pain receptors, and all the regular parts of your brain that enable you to read this post while pretending to work) were put on hold while you were busy saving the planet, it’s nothing short of a brutal wallop when they come back into play. And this is why the ginger touch of a cool, damp washcloth from your lovely leading lady is so blinking agonizing. It’s also why you suddenly really, really have to pee.

To put it scientifically, the human body is pretty bad-ass. I hope you’re treating yours right. Prolonged exposure to stress pumps hormones like adrenaline and cortisol into your bloodstream and reduces your immunity. Low blood sugar also amps up the adrenaline. This is why it’s so important to eat dense foods that provide a sustained release of energy (like string cheese and almonds) and to exercise a few times a week to blow off steam.

Learn more (dork):

Pain Tolerance: a Cultural Thing?
How Stuff Works: Fear
Molecule of the Month: Adrenaline

For My Gluttons of Gross:

Want to see a real life pituitary gland? Sure you do!