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Can you even imagine a waiter coming up to you, just after you’ve planted your fat butt down at your table, and telling you to forget the service, there’s no way you’re eating there? Can you just freaking imagine?

Well, that’s what some of the fine folks in Mississippi may be faced with if House Bill 282 gets passed. Of course, in response to the amazing backlash (you think?) for even drafting such a bill, Rep. John Read, R-Gautier, said that it was never meant to pass, but was instead intended to raise awareness of the health risks associated with obesity. And since Mississippi has snagged the top spot as the most obese state in the nation, he wanted to give the problem the same kind of attention tobacco issues receive there.

You know, maybe this isn’t such a bad thought. We prohibit smoking in many restaurants these days, do we not? We do not serve a drunk person more alcohol at the restaurant’s bar. So maybe we ought to stop serving food to the fat people that walk into the restaurants. That would solve all the world’s problems, wouldn’t it? Restaurants would lose money, sure, but the junk food manufacturers would totally win since the chubby folks would need to get their eats from the grocery aisles instead. Nobody would be any skinnier, but hey, one helluva point would’ve been made, right? Yep, sheer brilliance.

Yeah.

Agreed Representative Read’s heart is in the right place (though his head appears to be wedged firmly up his…), but maybe he ought to try offering up the greenbacks like these guys did. Hey, worked for them.

Nice, but it’s missing something…

I have a very normal, balanced friend I’ll refer to herein as the Skritch who was misdiagnosed with ADHD as a child. To this day, her parents still refer sympathetically to her atrocious attention span, continuously seeking out new ways to help the poor thing just keep it all together. I say misdiagnosed because there is no possible way a rational creature would ever conceive of ADHD and the Skritch hanging out in the same room, let alone having any sort of “thing” together. As a teen, she sensibly held the Ritalin under her tongue until her parents were convinced she’d swallowed her dose, taking care to spit it out like a mushy pea at the soonest opportune moment (which she managed to patiently wait for with no trouble at all). Even if she had really had ADHD, all those little pills would have been a waste, because a study released today proves that Ritalin has no long-term benefits for children.

Earlier studies showing a benefit were probably grossly exaggerating things, say researchers. Now they tell us. Though Ritalin has been shown to initially quell the steaming urchins into meek obedience, benefits are conferred only briefly. Don’t worry, I’m going to help you out here: Big Pharma invented an illness and subsequent drug to treat the invented illness and now it is coming back to bite them in the poopmuffin. I know: the first time anything unexpected like this happens, it can be a shock, so don’t try to wrap your head around it all in one go.

The new study concludes that after the initial “benefit”, treated children go right back to being brats. As an added bonus, children treated for upwards of three years may experience stunted growth. The cure for that, of course, is Prozac, Frappuccinos and marijuana. I’m kidding, I’m kidding! Please. I love kids, especially breaded in a sandwich with a zesty aioli and a rugged amber ale.

- Photo

Defiantly yours…

Not pregnant? Better leave those car keys at home.

Oh, internet: you never let me down. I learn so much from this wonderful tool. Of course, we all know the only tool that counts is the one that can knock you up, ladies. If you don’t want to die in a car crash, you’d better get pregnant!

In a post of searing brilliance, a doctor - yes - has compiled a list of compelling reasons abortion is dangerous for women. Only, he refers to them as “aspects”. The man has a thesaurus and he’s not afraid to use it! He explains how young women who are pregnant are less likely to get into a car crash than young women who are not pregnant (because they had abortions?). That’s right: non-pregnant young women have a 14.45/100,000 chance; but pregnant girls have only a 13.77/100,000 chance.

Stop skyrocketing car insurance rates: get a girl pregnant today.

I was a little confused about this at first; so Jesus does want us to be sluts? There are other fascinating “aspects” about the dangers of abortion. You just can’t argue with this kind of logic, and not just because you’re female. For example, Dr. Joseph explains that child abuse rates have exploded since Roe v. Wade as a direct result of all those sodden mothers feeling guilty. You see, they abuse their subsequent living children to gain a moment’s respite from the guilt. Satan is working overtime, but perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised that feeble-minded females are susceptible to the devil’s persuasions. Snaky bastard.

Dr. Joseph admonishes us young ladies to think about the consequences of an abortion. Women, if your future children even survive - not likely - they will probably be handicapped or possibly ugly because of your wicked self-indulgence. (Save the indulgence for the shoe sale, honey. And raise your expectations while you’re at it. Did you really think a piece of fruit was the best you could get? Remember, this was pre-wax, so how glossy could it have even been?)

Dr. Joseph also explains that 16 different studies prove that abortion causes things like drug and alcohol abuse…because women who have abortions are more likely to engage in said abuse. I think the obvious solution is to outlaw abortion and prosecute these murderesses. This will work to reduce abortions and improve the health of women everywhere (the reduction in car crash fatalities is really the icing on the cake).

I’m terrible with aspects, but I do like analogies. I just find them to be so gorgeously glowy. Shall we?

People in unhappy relationships break up. Break-ups are painful. Therefore, we should limit break-ups. In fact, let’s make them illegal! Studies show that when people break up, they often gain or lose unhealthy amounts of weight; they can become depressed; they may indulge in drugs or alcohol; and I just bet they get in more car crashes, too! (But not as many as not-pregnant chicks.) Moreover, the solution to the obscene rate of break-ups in this country is not be to teach people how to be self-sufficient, how to improve their self-esteem, how to assert themselves, or how to communicate healthily with others. If we talk about the problem of break-ups, we are tacitly approving of break-ups, after all. Better stick with passive-aggression and manipulation and abuse, because then we’re really taking a stand against break-ups. If we educate people and teach them how to have healthy relationships, do you know what that amounts to? That would send a clear message that in order to change reality, we must deal with reality as it really is.

Off to get pregnant, I suppose. God, there is just so much to do this week.

Sure, they look fun and colorful, but you’re staring into the very heart of human darkness. Avert thine eyes, sinners.

Abortion by massage is the wrenchingly painful midwife’s solution in places like the Philippines, where abortion is illegal, the government yields to Roman Catholic interests, and contraceptives are in short supply. The government supports the belief that contraception is immoral, and what little contraceptives are available - thanks to the U.S. - will be out the door by 2008.

Half a million women a year endure the agony of a hilot’s (midwife’s) “massage”, which involves violent pounding, prodding and stabbing with the hands in order to induce a miscarriage. Most of these women are not young girls but married women with several children already - and no way to afford another child. This impoverished nation’s government is led by devout Catholic Gloria Arroyo, who - along with her bishops - advocates that married couples simply practice abstinence to avoid getting pregnant. Because that’s a healthy solution for adults in a committed relationship. It’s not like sex is a vital component of human physical and mental health or a major factor in nurturing loving, intimate relationships. Condoms are bad, so just abstain, you married sluts! Oh, and God loves you.

The abortion rate in the Philippines is double that of Western Europe and rarely involves early-term surgery - the majority of the population is too poor for that. At least 80,000 women a year are treated for complications from abortive massage, although hospital workers routinely deny them painkillers or adequate treatment because of disapproval over their choice to terminate a pregnancy. Abortions are punishable by at least six years in prison for the guilty woman. I couldn’t find out if the sperm part of this equation is also considered culpable…

Read more

Nope, not that cocaine (although everyone threw a big fit about this energy drink). We’re talking about the real thing.

Fortunately, cocaine won’t be added back to cola drinks or cough drops any time soon, but flavored rock is a booming business. Coconut, strawberry, and vanilla are the most popular nose candy flavors.

Ever wondered…

How Many People Are in Jail for Drugs?
Why Marijuana Was Originally Banned?
If Illegal Drugs Cause Violent Crime?

Here are the answers.

Learn Something:

Crack: How It Works in Your Body

Some War

Oh, wait…that’s every edition.

The Trouble with Unisex Toilets

In a high school history class many moons ago, the term project was to stage a series of controversial constitutional debates (the military draft, abortion, you get it). Stellar luck that is mine, I was given the assignment of arguing against the Equal Rights Amendment. Like any proper slacker I waited until the night before to research. Fortunately, the arguments against the ERA were so simplistic, it was very easy to prepare my case: a constitutional amendment granting equal rights to women would mean - dear Jesus - unisex bathrooms. You’d be surprised how easy it is to deliver an impassioned five-minute persuasive speech about the horror that would be a real life Ally McBeal episode. (Although, sadly, I cannot claim originality, for the Great Toilet Problem was the actual “argument” used by the victorious opponents of the ERA.) I am relieved to see - in photographic proof - that I was totally right. Equal rights would be awful.

The Worst Album Covers, Ever

A pictorial guide to a variety of popular mental health disorders, including latent homosexuality, pathological delusion (my favorite), and most notably, 70s hair. Evidently, 70s hair is back in a big way among the Linkin Park set. Learn from history, friends, or we are clearly doomed to repeat it. If you think these pictures are fruity, peep the rest of them.

Quickie: I won’t be posting on Fridays here at the ‘bolt. But I will be delivering fresh health, mind, and body delights every Saturday along with the usual Monday-Thursday news fixes and original content. You can always feel free to email me with requests, tips, ideas, kudos and outrage and I’ll do my best to answer you, stat. For the record, I find it annoying when bloggers update their readers with the Me Report (”Sorry for not posting”, “My cat threw up and it totally stressed me out”, “The server was down, like, all day!”). This will be the first and last update, barring any information in which you would actually be interested. You’re welcome.

Your normal programming has been interrupted for this important public service announcement:

Look like an idiot in 1 easy step: pimp an IQ widget on your blog!

Online IQ tests are a joke (but you know this). Even if they claim to be “real”. They’re not.

Guess what? Mensa is a joke, too.

The vos Savant method will raise your IQ a few notches, but does this really mean anything?

Even the merit of a “real” IQ test is debatable, because IQ is a controversial concept. Evolutionary biologist Stephen Jay Gould and the pioneering Alfred Binet disputed the validity of IQ (among many others).

If you need to do some virtual culling or simply find yourself in the mood to discover even more poseurs, because you’re just so gangsta, might I suggest a rich niche known as those who brag about their intelligence. Of course, only retarded people will just come right out and tell you directly. Most wannabe genii will sheepishly tell you in faux humility, and only after a lot of prodding. Or they’ll display El Widget De Smarty on their blog, but with an appropriately self-deprecating tagline nearby. And by nearby I mean in the archives.

We’re just super saucy for high IQ. We love to compare everything from election results to life expectancy to hangover prevalence against intelligence measurements. The human affinity for categories and labels is only outdone by our love of Wal-Mart.

Remember, however, that the merit of IQ is questionable. Definition - by definition - helps us to organize and understand data and clarify experience. But definitions are also inherently limiting. That is why a high IQ is no categorical predictor of talent, success, creativity, health, or achievement.

What’s with the genius wet dreams of the Myspace set? Being a genius is miserable, and not in that emo eyeliner kind of way. It seems to involve a lot of hard work, which, come on, is just gross. It’s often lonely and not very different from garden-variety crazy.

Geniuses in every field, from all walks of life, from every blot in the span of time, have only one thing in common, and it isn’t IQ. It’s fire in the belly. It’s at least ten years of wrenching hard work. It’s torture. And you’ll still probably fail.

People romanticize “genius” the same way they romanticize “enlightenment” (at least in California, anyway). But we don’t really want to be geniuses and we don’t really want to be enlightened, either. You know why? Because true genius is hard, and true enlightenment is nothing more than pain and suffering.

What most of us actually want is approval and relief.

Which is why Mensa is so popular, and The Secret is a best-seller.

My inexpert advice: just do your thing, baby, and do it with confidence. Also, don’t do drugs.

And now, back to the show.

I just love when psychology serves up a big dish of Boo Yah. The two-second version, if you believe the authors: men want sex, women want security, nobody wants leftovers for dinner again. From Psychology Today, 10 politically incorrect observations about humans:

10. Gentlemen really do prefer blonds. Everyone prefers blue eyes.

Nobody prefers patchouli.

9. Monogamy is unnatural.

But still the best way to get new china.

8. Monogamy helps undesirable dudes stand more than a chance of a snow cone in hell when it comes to getting a mate. Not so for the ladies. Monogamous societies make it more difficult for women to secure a wealthy mate.

Scientists have theorized that a lifestyle variant known as a “job” may be a successful adaptation for mitigating this disadvantage, but remind us that more research needs to be done before any conclusions can be drawn about whether or not getting a “job” is a tenable solution. Scientists hope to conduct further testing of the legitimacy of the “job” theory in the future.

7. (Religious) suicide bombers are almost always young, single, male Muslims. Polygynous societies exert severe competitive pressure on young men, so the promise of 72 virgins in the afterlife is genuinely compelling.

Because there’s nothing better than sex with a virgin.

6. Sons prevent divorce better than daughters.

Fathers pass their wealth on to sons, so having a son gives a man an incentive to stay in a marriage. Of course, he’ll be spending all that wealth on car insurance.

5. Pretty people have more daughters. Rich people have more sons.

Um, what about pretty, rich people? And does anybody really “marry up” anymore? This seems terribly quaint. In my experience, women are expected to be just as educated and financially independent as men, in addition to being attractive, and men are increasingly expected to look good, dress well, and know their way around the kitchen in addition to being successful. Basically, we’re all expected to be perfect now, which totally rocks. Go us!

4. Crime and talent are merely two sides of the same coin: the primal urge to compete in youth in order to establish oneself as more desirable.

Something any rapper could have told you.

3. Men don’t have mid-life crises because they are getting old. It’s because their wives are getting old.

Darn chicks. Always cramping your style.

2. It would be bizarre, biologically speaking, if powerful men didn’t have affairs. Sex is why men try to be powerful in the first place.

Hey, this is certainly no worse an argument than “the definition of ‘is’ “.

1. Men sexually harass women…because men harass everyone?

Sexual harassment isn’t always about abuse of power in order to acquire a sexual reward. Men are hard-wired to compete, so sexual harassment is often just the boy-to-girl equivalent of a faux fistfight. Ever notice how guys degrade each other constantly as a sign of affection? Jason Lee has made a career of this. Sexual harassment is apparently the same deal. It’s a compliment, just a friendly punch, really. (But science still offers no explanation as to why some men insist on air golf swings when ordering their lattes.)

My question to you, dear reader:

Is this all a matter of evolutionary psychology…or successful social conditioning? Because apparently when the authors wrote this article, no pheromones were available for comment. I think everybody just wants to smooch. Even Jesus.

MKnowles Photography (CC)

via Slashfood
via via Hungry in Hogtown

Not only unhealthy, but guaranteed to offend somebody!

Step 1:

For fun, fry potatoes in horse fat. Yes, horse fat. (I know a certain someone who’s gonna be emailing me in horror in about two seconds…coughcollinscough). Don’t worry, it gets way more offensive. I mean, if you’re gonna eat a horse, you might as well go whole hog. And by hog I mean veal.

Step 2:

Next, dunk fries in veal gravy. Now, veal is not really the glamour child of unacceptable meats these days. Freaking out about veal is so, like, seventies. Even Peta devotes more time to J. Lo’s wardrobe than baby cows chained to crates and basically starved into that pretty pink anemia all the wienerschnitzel lovers relish. (Warning: do not, I repeat, do not click that J. booty link unless you have an iron stomach. I am no longer a vegetarian, but there’s no way I’ll ever wear fur after seeing that. It’s pretty messed up what we’ll do for fashion. What are we, Grok? Do we really need fur?)

Step 3:

Because you can, top the whole thing off with seared foie gras. In case you did not know, my gaggle of genii, foie gras is bird liver. Not just any bird liver, though - fattened bird liver. The way bird liver is fattened is through a process called gravage, which means force feeding with tubes until really awful things happen. I have a special issue with foie gras, forever known to my pals as the Foie Gras Incident of 2006, which I’ll tell you about if you’re good.

Now, being a bit of a gourmand, or maybe just a glutton, I don’t want to pick on this menu item. Besides, it’s not really logical that we’ll happily chow on burgers made from cows but freak out about horses, and I love horses. But, still: horse fat-fried, veal dunked, bird liver-topped french fries? Truly, it stunneth. The only thing missing is a fur tablecloth and Princess Leia.